My unbearable dying heart...

[CherishG]

Hi everyone,

 

My name is Cherish, yes, weird name I know, but since my parents had me during the Kool & the Gang era of music genre, they decided to name me after that song.

I'm going to be 25yrs old next month, and to be quite honest with u, its taken me 3 whole days to find the strength and the courage to post this considering the pain I'm going thru rite now. I know this is probably going to be the longest post you ever seen on this board. Please bear with me, I truly apologize, but I feel so helpless and alone. This pain is just so unbearable.

 

I've read almost every thread in this section, trying to find some comfort, some kind of answer to make this pain in my heart go away. And with all the heartbreaking stories, all the pain and heartache expressed in each and everyone's stories, it seemed to make my broken heart hurt even more. I thought I'd sit it out a couple of days and read, I've even had pressed the "Post New Thread" button quite a few times and eventually cancelled it. I'd be lying to you all if I didn't tell you I was scared, embarassed, ashamed, feeling unworthy to express this terrible pain inside. I've read fellow members who have "survived" this ordeal and all the same answers of "Go NC", "you will survive", "it hurts now, but it will get better", but right now I literally feel so hopeless and can't feel the positiveness in those messages.

 

My story: I've been on and off with my ex bf for 4 whole years. Our relationship was far from being perfect. We've had our ups and downs, our times spent apart (longest is almost 2yrs), but in the interim of it all, we still had each other in our lives, we always ended up back with each other. We never "broke up", or "let's have space" type deal, but whatever you called it, we eventually got back and I never doubted his love for me. I thought almost nothing can break us apart. He was always the one who "chased" after me, calling me til my cell batt died, cried countless times for me to give him another chance. He's 4yrs younger than me, and yes, ur probably doing the math right now and thinking, "okay, she met this guy when he was only 17, and she was 21", GUILTY... And yes, when I first met him (on a different message board), it was completely platonic, meaning I had no intention whatsoever to get involved with a "kid", (what I was thinking at the time). It started out on AIM, eventually into the phone, and somehow, no matter how I didn't plan, or having no intention to pursue a serious relationship with this guy, it just happened. He was mature for his age, and even though his inexperience at love and serious commitment proved to make it a rough beginning, he was willing to learn, and he eventually did understand what love was. By all means, when I got to know him, he is what you would call a "virgin" in every sense. A virgin in love, sex, relationships, etc. I took the risk of becoming that "teacher" and never looked back in regret.

 

Fast Fwd to now: We had gone thru a long stump in our relationship where we didn't talk as much, didn't see each other, but still kept in touch, and when we did talk, it was like we never had space. There are more serious matters that happened between us, but right now it hurts to much to tell the whole story. I guess you can say, I let him go so that he would "grow up" and experience his teen years before he could finally prove to me that he was ready to commit. I always sensed that he never cheated, he was sincere in his efforts to keep me in his life, to prove to me that he was "adult" enough to love me. He acted as if we never had this space apart. He constantly mentioned that I was his first love and would be the only woman in his life. So this past August, I decided to finally let him back into my life completely and really work at our relationship.

 

It was going perfect, it was like we were in the "new beginning" phase of a relationship. BUT... I sensed something different about him, and I tried to disregard it and hope for the best.

I asked him if during that time apart, if he had met other girls, or started dating. He told me no, but admitted he was interested in a girl he met at his job. I asked him if it went any further, and he said "no, she wouldn't be interested in me". I left it at that. Then that fateful day, on Sept. 1st, 2008/Monday, he seemed so occupied going to work almost daily.

*Footnote: We don't see other often because we both work alot.

I noticed that day he didn't call me the night before, which is like routine for us when he gets home from work. Ofcourse me being worried I left him a vm and asked him if he was okay, etc. He didn't return my call, but later left me a text msg: "I think we need a break". I was shocked. LITERALLY. I felt as if a train hit me and blindsided me. I never heard him ever initiate us breaking up, asking for a break, etc. So naturally I asked him what he meant, and he eventually called me back. He tells me that "its not you, it's me. I don't want to hurt you anymore. You will find a better man, more better than me." Okay, so I'm sitting there on the phone still in shock. He had to get off the phone because he was on his way to work, as so was I and promised me he would call me later that night when he got off.

I swear to you, that day at work, I literally could not think. I work at a hospital, in the trauma center as a surgical RN (Registered Nurse). I had 3 surgeries that day, I felt like a robot. I did everything by program. But my heart was shattering into a million pieces, and absolutely nothing could make it stop. It seemed that shift lasted longer than any shift I ever worked because I wanted to go home so bad and talk this out with him.

I waited and waited til he called. By that time, I was already a emotional wreck. My first emotion when he called was to cry. I asked him if it was another girl, he repeatedly said no. I begged him to just tell me the truth and asked him how or why did this happen. He just kept saying "I don't wanna hurt you anymore", "I still want us to be friends, you are my best friend, and I don't wanna lose you". It was late already, so he asked me if he could see me the next day. I agreed and that's when my world finally collapsed.

 

Sept 2, 2008/Tuesday- We met in person, drove to a park and talked in the car. It was dead on quiet. You can literally hear a pin drop. I initiated the conversation, and believe me when I tell u this, I was very calm. I spoke in a adult manner, there was no anger or bitterness. I didn't burst out crying or begging him to stay. I wanted the truth. I wanted him to be straight out with me and tell me. So after an hour of trying to understand the situation, he caved in and told me he kissed that co-worker he spoke of the night before he texted me that he wanted to be friends. My jaw dropped. Then something happened. The tears I tried to hold back just started gushing out. I started to transform into a desperate whining dumpee begging for his mercy. I honestly don't know what came over me. He sat there solid as a rock. There were a few times he turned to look at me, during the times when I calmed down and didn't say a word. THEN THE IMPOSSIBLE HAPPENED: He reached over to kiss me. Not a peck on the lips kind of kiss, but full on make out kiss. Then he would back off. That happened like 5 or 6 times during the whole time in the car, but to make the story short becoz I'm starting to ramble on now, the bottom line is he stood firm in his decision.

I told him that I did NOT want to remain friends because it would simply be far too painful for me to hear him going on with his life. He was upset that I didn't want to stay in his life. He kept trying to encourage me to stay in his life, that he needed me. But I stood my ground. I guess at the time I was angry at all that he was telling me. Out of my shock and confusion and anger all boiling at once at that very moment, I was even talking crazy. That I wanted to move back home to hawaii, far far away from California. So that I wouldn't be reminded of anything of him. The whole convo was going no where, he was saying things that made me even more confused. So I decided to drop him off back at home. I couldn't take it anymore. When we were in front of his house,he told me "Take care of yourself, drive safely. You will find someone better than me"... like so casually said. I was apalled (sp).

I couldnt believe what I was hearing. Then out of the desperation as he stood there outside of the passenger door, I became angry. I spoke loudly (something out of my character) and began to yell "Get the **** out of my car. I can't believe you did this to me, to us; after all that we've been through. I hope you and ur 17yr old girl are happy. I just want to die, I should just kill myself, just get out". He was SHOCKED. He couldn't believe that I just said that. He replied "I don't believe this", and kept looking at me standing there. I stared straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel with dear life. I kept telling him to just go, and that one last glance at me, he closed the door. I watched him walk towards his house in the rear view mirror. I saw him keep turning back looking at me in the car. As he turned into the entrance, that was it, he was gone.

I decided to stay in the car for another 20 minutes because I was so afraid of driving home in my condition. When I finally decided to go, I was crying the whole way home (40min drive). I kept stopping on the shoulder of the freeway to clear my tears and get a grip of myself. I finally reached home 4 hours after dropping him off. I don't know how it managed to take me 4hrs to go home but it did. When I got home, I kept staring at my cell phone, no missed calls, no texts. I even checked my email and nothing. I couldn't believe he wasn't even worried if I got home safe. I couldn't sleep that night and I tried to make myself sleepy by surfing the net. That is how I found this place. Googling "Broken heart".

 

As of today: Its been 5 whole days since that night. I have not heard anything from him. I haven't tried either. Believe me, it's so damn hard.

The hardest time of the day for me is the night time. Because that was the time we usually talked. And the silence at night the past few days have been eating me alive. I can't sleep, I can't eat. The first two days I didn't cry as much, I think I was still in shock, but it wasn't until this past Friday that it really really hit me. I was in surgery, and as this patient's chest was wide open with the surgeons working frantically to massage her heart back to life, I stood there, frozen; staring at her heart as they held it. Here was this woman, tragically involved in a deadly car accident, striving to stay alive, her heart barely beating. And there was I was, alive, but yet dying inside. I couldn't take it. I ran out of the O.R. crying my head off. I fell to the ground and cried like a baby. How could this man, who's been the only person in my life for the past 4 yrs throw me away? Is he still in that "teenage mode" where he does'nt know what he wants so he does this? Is he getting back at me for making him wait for me to get back together?

There's so much more involved in this sad story, but it's just too painful to tell you all.

All I know is I can't take it anymore.

I miss him so much that it's driving me crazy.

There's not one minute in the day that I want to call him; but I've stood strong, and didn't.

I'm sorry this is so long. I have no one to talk to about this. And if only you knew what more is involved in my situation, I'm sure it will kill me to tell you. I'm not sure what to expect after posting this thread. I don't know how everyone will react. And no I'm not trying to imply that "my story" is the saddest story in the entire board.

But, I will tell you this, it hurts so damn bad.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read the very long story...

 

Cherish G.

[sid3]

First, you will get through this. It's not going to feel like it, but you will. There are many women here that are proof that a woman's heart is very resilient(sp)...reading older posts will also be proof as to how poeple are able to manage, it may be a long road down, but the road up usualyy comes much faster once you hit the bottom. You will surely have many bad moments. I can only suggest that you look for the good ones, at first they will seem so brief you won't realise them.

 

You have knowing tho be embarrassed about. Posting your story and looking for support and asking for help is a sign of strength. how often do you here about people jumping into bed with someone new within weeks, let alone days after a breakup. Look at all the baggage people carry into their future relationships by not taking the time to heal and learn from their experiences. You've read enough to know there is nothing you can read to numb the pain, but hopefully you can find some comfort in the stories of others. Wait for the dust to settle before making up your mind about moving back to Hawaii. Acting out of emotion usually ends up bad. I can't offer the same advice that some of the other members will, as I am still trying to get back up from my own train wreck. I just want to remind you that as bad as it is, your turning twenty five soon, imagine going through it at thirty five or forty five. My point is that you are still very young, there is a lot of time for good things to come into your life. try to eat as hard as it might be, when we starve our bodies the mind becomes weaker, and it leads to feeling worse. There is one thing you can do to ease your pain if only a little. take care of yourself, you really will feel better if you you can manage to eat.

[allanDR]

I know it's said a lot, but it's not you, it's him. As soon as you realize there's nothing wrong with you, that he needs to move on for his own reasons, you'll realize that you will be able to move on too and yes, you will find another person to fall in love with. Sorry to be so blunt, but love is a fickle thing. It's like that goddamn beach boys song.

[foxh1234]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are doing amazing not contacting him, pat yourself on the back for that. I have been where you are and it sucks, no doubt about it. All I can tell you is that it will get better.It might not feel like it now, but it will. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to continue with no contact. I know you want to call or email or whatever, but don't do it. If you have things you want to say, come on here and say them. No good can come from contacting him now, I have done it and it hurt more than what you are feeling now. Give this some time for both of you to calm down and get your heads straight. Give him a chance to miss you and give yourself a chance to see this thing through clear eyes. He may contact you, he may not but you cannot control that. All you can control is YOU. Try to eat something and try to sleep a little. If you can call in to work and take a few days off, do it. Get a few movies and relax for a few days. Cry if you have to and don't hold back, cry as much as you want and get it out.

 

Things will feel like they will never get better but they will. Just try and relax and take care of yourself. We are always here if you need to talk. We have all been where you are and alot of us are getting better. It just takes time. Hope you get feeling better soon.

[allanDR]

BTW, what's the more to your story? I'm just curious, I understand if you don't wanna say, but this is anonymous.

[journey1]

yOU DESCRIBEd EXACTLY HOW i FELT 6 WEEKS AGO I am still hurting but the overall robotic days at work and the frantic adrenaline feeling subsided. I can eat and sleep now. But I have been going thru this off and on since dec.

 

 

PLease save yourself the grief....DONT GET INTO CONTACT!!!

 

 

There is nothing more you can say or do!! Let him initiate.

 

I used to lie to myself and say I WONT TEXT and then Id see a happy couple and feel inspired to remind him of a great time we had and how letting go was such a bad idea!!

 

 

 

And when I did text and get no response, my feelings were even more hurt. All i can say is go through the grieving and spend time with your friends and family. Work OT if you have to. STAY BUSY!!

 

Nothing is going to heal you but time. there is no quick fix...you just have to live it. Its sucks and its torture at first but live one day at a time. I am only 6 weeks into it after dating for 6 years so I am still weak. Perhaps a more experience broken hearted person can help you more. SOrry but if you need I will post as much as possible to you. You can PM me too. I really feel for you, you sound like me

[sultry33]

hi op, if you read my 1st post you will see that i was you, bit older;) but pain the same

 

i did all the wrong moves chased begged pleaded cried stayed in bed for weeks.. i just wanted to die..

 

could not believe the man who fought for me and told me every day that he loved me, planned his leaving me for 6 weeks..

 

for 6 weeks looked into my eyes and said the words.. but all the while gettin his s hit together..

 

i have had a few meet ups with him since in the last 6 months but now he has someone whom he is intersted in.. i cant have him in my life now i wont be destroyed:sick:

 

he has given up on his soul mate his foundation to life.. his words..

 

i am now at the end of my road.. i fought for him, gave him space.

 

now im ok, i have been healing anyway... my life is good not great.. he will always be in my heart but now i have to set him free.. i want the man that means the words.. the man that wont leave me..

 

you will be ok.. time will heal you.

 

be strong an what will be will be x

[me007]

Cherish, you are doing a great job going NC. Having no one else to talk to and still holding NC is really staying strong. It hurts losing the closest person in your life. Stay focused at work and at night write in a journal, exercise, read some healing/self help books or anything, come to this site, find a new hobby. Take some time out to think if this guy is really what you wanted.

 

 

Since I don't know the rest of your story, but you said he kissed the girl he works with. He's 21 now and if you were the only girl he was with it sounds like he's taken his freedom to see what else is out there. 4 years is a big difference at different points in our lives, and he might still need some growing up to do.

 

I agree making such a fast decision moving back to Hawaii is a little hasty, but do you have family or friends there? If your job allows, maybe taking some time off to go on a vacation might make you feel alot better and get your mind off of him.

[CherishG]

Thank you all so very much for your responses. God bless all of you.

 

In so many ways, posting my story and hearing all of you care enough to respond made a big difference today, but the pain is still there.

 

I went into work today feeling more lousy than I did yesterday, and being that it's Sunday, it makes me miss him more.

 

I miss talking to him, most importantly, I miss loving him and showing him.

 

I know it was a crazy idea to go back to Hawaii. My whole family is there, yet they don't know what happened. I am deeply ashamed to even tell them, yet alone let them worry more about me. Its crazy how mother's have some sick instinct knowing something's wrong. She called me today, not knowing anything at all of what's happened, and expressed her concern. Its so hard being alone here in California. Even more harder now that he's gone.

 

One of my co-workers, a male, invited me to dinner after work. As much as I didn't want to go, he literally kidnapped me to go. He's noticed how I've been looking really out of it, and seen me quite a few times crying or staring at my cell phone. So we went to eat, and I really tried to eat, but I just couldn't. My co-worker has no idea what happened to me, nor are we on that level of discussing our private lives. Though tonight he went into great detail of how much he loved his gf, and how he plans to propose to her, etc etc. This made me more sad. I started to cry, and he felt bad, but I didn't want to disclose what had happened. He probably thinks I'm a nutcase.

 

In response to allanDR, and the other posters, wondering what is the other part of my story, I just don't even know how to begin to tell you.

 

It's so painful, but in some ways, that part of my story is what keeps me ALIVE. It's the only thing that holds me together and forces me to stay alive. I'm stuck, and there's loss of words to even begin to tell you. And through the tears as I sit here wondering what he's doing, if he's even remotely thinking of me right now or ever after the fact, seeing this "reason" to live makes the pain of knowing he's gone even more painful.

 

I'm trying super hard to stay positive.

 

You can't imagine how much I hold my phone wanting to dial his number.

 

I've stared a zillion times at his contact page on my cell phone, my fingertip barely about to touch his phone number, but I can't. I know I shouldn't. And its' soooo hard. I cry more when I see the sun go down. It's like I wish it was day time all day. And when I lay down, I pray and pray. I was raised in a strict Catholic family, and have always believed in turning to God. But right now, no matter how many rosaries I pray to make myself fall asleep, there's this pain in my chest that just won't go away.

 

Today at work, I actually was browsing through the hospital computer for diseases, etc. I typed "Broken heart" again, and there's actually a disease or syndrome called "Broken Heart Syndrome". People have actually died from this. I won't go too deeply into it, but right now, as selfish as it sounds, and how stupid it may seem, I really wish I would just die right now.

 

But I can't. That part of the story I haven't had the courage to tell you, keeps me from going that route.

 

I have so many questions in my head. Why did he do this? How could he just throw everything away? Is he thinking of me? Does he miss me? Will he ever come to realize that losing me was a big mistake?

 

I just don't know. I just don't want this feeling anymore. I don't know if I could wait 6 months from now and still feel this way.

 

No matter how often I may hear it, I still feel worthless.

That I wasn't good enough for him to stay, not worthy enough that he wouldn't do this to me. Being tossed away like this just makes my whole world feel empty and lost.

 

but again, I want to express my gratitude for all that have responded.

I lit several candles at church this morning, for all of you who's suffering as I am. Thank you once again.

p.s. please be patient with me in regards to that other part of my story. give me a few days to gain enough will and courage to open up about that.

[allanDR]

Never feel like you're not good enough for someone. I thought that way for a little while until I realized it's totally insane. There's never any reason to not feel good about yourself, I know it sounds crazy and believe me, it's hard to convince myself sometimes but it's the truth.

[watermeloncandy]

sometimes the pain of heartbreak is indeed so unbearable that you just want to die. but the reality is that you DO get over it. it just takes time.

most of us on here i'm sure have experienced heartbreak another time in our past, and we survived.

eventually i'm going to have to heed my own advice to you which is to keep no contact with him, try to keep yourself busy with other aspects of your life, go out with friends, etc. but i know it's so hard to do.

there are a lot of great people on this message board, filled with a tonne of life experience, who offer some great bits of wisdom.

i've asked this question before of other people, as it was asked to me by my counsellor, and i felt it helpful:

what would you say to a girlfriend of yours if she was in your situation?

usually it's some great advice that you yourself need to follow, right?

[alwayssme]

hey mama, i read your story and although our stories are somewhat different, they are very much alike. I wish we could talk through aim or whatever..i read you said you don't really talk to people much about this..for me, i have friends to talk to but none of them is going through it so it's still hard. Me and my girls were all happy with our boyfriends and their men didn't change, they are still sticking it through, while mine walked away and now I don't even know what we have become anymore...you sound like a great person, i can relate to you from what i read in your posts and i wish you the best...hopefully all of us will benefit from this.

[SushiX]

Well at least he didn't cheat on you and lied about it. That's what I went thru 1 month ago. It was awful. We haven't made contact ever since. What's the point? All she'll be talking about is him, which will not help me move on. Make sure you get all your questions answered from him so you have closure, so you can stop wondering what you did wrong..etc.

 

Does he still miss you? Sorry, but most likely not if he's fallen for the other girl. He'll miss your friendship and he'll think of you but not the same as before. He'll probably be too busy thinking about her. Will he come back? Chances are probably not unless the new girl doesn't want him, but hopefully you'll move on by then.

 

I know its super hard for you right now. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself from thinking about him. Meet new people online or offline. Hang out with friends. Take up a new hobby. Do something crazy that you've never done before. Anything that can distract your mind will help. Keep up the NC. It'll all be better in time.

 

BTW, you're a beautiful writer. Maybe you should write a book or something to keep yourself busy. We all hope you'll open up and tell us more about your situation. *Hugs*

[CherishG]

wow, my old old thread actually came around to the first page...

and it's kinda ironic considering what's been happening to me the last three days.

So bear with me because I know this post is going to be super long since ALOT has happened to me.

 

I'm literally in my darkest of darkest days right now.

I'm filled with confusion, doubt and so much anxiety and depression, I can't bear to even look at my reflection in the mirror anymore.

For those who don't know the other part of my story that I did not have a chance to further explain is that I have a child with my ex.

She will be two this month, as well as my bday is a few days after hers.

 

It's been about 1.5 months now since my ex bf broke up with me.

He told me that he had fallen in love with a girl, or I should say "minor" since she is only 17yrs. old. He's 21, I am 23.

 

NOTE: we were never married, though we spoke a lot about it, even before we had our daughter.

 

The time since the break up, I had waves of different levels of sadness,

waves I can't even find the words to explain how painful each and every day was.

It seems the worst time for me was the weekends and the evenings during the week.

It only brought me worry and sadness because I wondered if he was out there, fooling around, having sex, etc etc.

And here I am, night after night... alone with me and my baby.

I have no family or relatives here, they all live thousands of miles away.

I have no friends close enough to me to discuss my private life, and most

of the friends I did have, are all gone since I got pregnant at a young age when it was time to party.

 

almost every single thread on LS preaches the wisdom of NC...

and with all due respect, I truly wish I could do NC... but in my case, I can't.

Believe me when I say, I have tried NC... totally complete NC.

The longest I've gone was 12 days, but even with no contact from me,

my ex has called and texted to ask about seeing his daughter.

I am not a spiteful girl, I'm a very unselfish and loving person.

So for me to keep him away from his child, it would be like me breaking my own heart.

We have been cordial on the days he has seen our daughter.

I kept my distance when he spent time with her, since it was always in a public place.

I always stayed far far away on the other side of the park, but enough where I could see them.

 

For almost 3wks he had noticed how I wasn't begging, pleading, crying in front of him, etc.

He's even noticed how I never call him anymore like I did the first 2wks after the break up.

So as expected, he began to become curious and I knew I had the upper hand.

 

This last Friday, he called me how many times in the day, and I couldn't understand this.

He had been calling more frequently this past week more than usual. So I answered it. Stupid me, I know.

He didn't just call to talk about our baby, or wanting to see her, he just really wanted to talk.

It sorta confused me, yet, it made me happy because I had missed him so terribly during this whole mess.

But I remained strong, didn't break down and ask 4 him back.

If I was crying, I made damn sure, he didn't hear or know.

 

We talked for almost 3hrs of random stuff, nothing relating to "us" or his new relationship.

Then in one of the brief silences of our conversation, he said "I miss you..."

I almost fell off my bed. I literally started to cry really hard.

He thought I didn't hear him since I was so quiet and in shock, so he said it again...

A gush of the pain and suffering I've gone through this whole 5 wks since the break felt like it had been lifted from my soul,

like pieces of my shattered heart started to magnetize back to it's original shape...

Ofcourse I responded "I miss you too..."

Then he began to tell me how he missed talking to me, that he really missed me. Then he asked me "Do you still love me?"

God, I messed up and told him I still did. But it was the truth,

and no matter how people might say "Oh you shouldn't of told him that..." I was never the type of person to hold feelings back.

He didn't say or ask anything after that. So I left it like that.

 

The next day, the very unexpected happened. And quite honestly, I'm still in shock that it happened.

He found out that I was going to a Dodger game this last Saturday night.

(note: I went with my boss, he's a guy, quite attractive if you ask me, but it was just a casual invitation since he knew I loved the Dodgers.)

My ex knew I went out on this so called "date" as he described it, because he wanted to see our daughter, and I explained I couldn't.

He was shocked that I actually wasn't "available"... and instigated further why I wasn't available.

I told him where I was going and with whom. Oh man... if you could of only heard the jealousy in his voice.

He didn't use so many words to express it, but I can sense it in every way.

He even asked me if I was bringing our daughter, maybe might of made him more jealous because "another man" might take his place.

Anyways, it was only me and my boss, it was a evening game, so I was out from 5pm until about 12am since he wanted to take me to dinner after and just hang out.

MY EX CALLED ME ABOUT 20 TIMES during the whole time I was out!!!

I never answered, because that's rude to my boss.

I finally turned off my phone after 10:30pm (which the baseball game ended around 830pm).

I sorta got drunk, not plastered and can't walk drunk, just enough to be tipsy.

With the excitement of the baseball game and my boss buying me a drink one after the other,

I just wanted to forget my sadness even for a little while.

 

I turned my phone back on about an hr before I got home and he continued to call, with a bunch of voicemails.

Then I settled into bed, I finally just answered his call. He sounded so scared, sorta depressed if you ask me.

First thing he asked was "Did you have fun?" I was sorta still out of it from the alcohol and he repeated his question but

then added "Did you just get home now? Why has your phone been off ?"

I told him I was a little drunk and oh man, I set him off.

He started trippin hard and questioning this and that...

He got upset, started acting like I WAS THE ONE CHEATING ON HIM!

so he said " I can't talk to you like this Cherish... you're drunk" and hung up.

Then last night, Sunday... it feels like it is de ja vu all over again.

He was upset that I went on this so called "date", he was angry that I came home drunk, which I really wasn't that drunk.

I got so angry I told him "Why do you care? Don't you have ur gf to worry about? why r u on my case? did you forget that u broke up with me?"

He then said: "I'm not with her anymore, it's been 2wks."

I couldn't talk anymore... I sat quiet on the phone.

He wanted to get off, so I let him go. And I havent talked to him since last night.

He tried to call me today, but I didn't answer.

 

So here I am... feeling damaged and confused.

I won't lie to you, in the deepest recesses of my heart, I hope and pray that he will finally "grow up" and realized what a big mistake he made.

I just want to know what are his truest intentions.

Does he want to still play the field since he never got the opportunity before?

What the hell does he want?

 

I truly apologize if this is the longest post ever known on LS.

I don't make threads because my story is just too complicated for people to give me advice.

I'm usually just reading and trying to feed off other's advice and trying to make the most of my own dilemna.

I read and read on here, all the advice is great for those that do NOT have a child involved.

I want everyone to understand that I am NOT the type of girl who is using my daughter to get my ex back.

I am fully aware and far more independent to need him to care for me and her.

If I truly had a selfish, bitchy side, I would've just taken off, disappear, go back to Hawaii and he would never see me or her again... BUT I can't do that to her or him.

No matter how much it hurts me that he turned his back on me, on us,

I feel like I'm never ever going to get rid of this pain in my heart.

If only I was more careful, I wouldn't of gotten pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, she's the only reason I'm still alive.

But it would of been a little easier letting go of my ex and now I'm just stuck.

Sorry again this is long.

Thanks 4 taking the time to read.

Any kind of advice is greatly appreciated... I really need it!

[Invisibly Shaken]

Please be careful I endured basically the same thing as you, also with a child involved. The pain you have suffered i am no stranger to except i prolonged mine for 2 years and counting! Feels as if you are the walking dead, asking god why 500 times a day. Wondering what i could have done different, if i only have another chance, Right? So on and so on i know all the feelings and how miserable it all is.

 

The dreaded weekend calls to exchange the child knowing your going to have to face that person is the worst. If you don't play it right you will be right back where you started from and honestly worse. Believe me it can be worse. The highs of hearing him missing and calling 20 times in a night are unreal it feels as if your life have been saved, right? Just please be very careful and for now take what he says and his actions with a grain of salt. Beware!

[Sysyphus28]

SAME thing happened to me with "teenage mode"

You can't force people to grow up. I know what your going through!

I was 25 and she 18............3 years together.....(thrown away).

It works itself out if you let it. You know broken vines do? They mend themselves by intertwining with other vines over time and they make stronger VINES! Awesome. MIngle. Let yourself enjoy yourself and not constantly worrying about pleasing another person. You had great memories right? Cherish them. Hold them close to your heart. This guy is going to wake up and realize what you had was special...........I swear.

People are people..............they are not textbook and niether are matters of the heart........

BUt they follow patterns! Just be strong and let the pattern unfold.

[SRV]

Please be careful I endured basically the same thing as you, also with a child involved. The pain you have suffered i am no stranger to except i prolonged mine for 2 years and counting! Feels as if you are the walking dead, asking god why 500 times a day. Wondering what i could have done different, if i only have another chance, Right? So on and so on i know all the feelings and how miserable it all is.

 

The dreaded weekend calls to exchange the child knowing your going to have to face that person is the worst. If you don't play it right you will be right back where you started from and honestly worse. Believe me it can be worse. The highs of hearing him missing and calling 20 times in a night are unreal it feels as if your life have been saved, right? Just please be very careful and for now take what he says and his actions with a grain of salt. Beware!

 

Cherish and IS, I am in a similar situation with a child involved. In my case, I am a guy. Wonder why she cannot separate the two. She gives me the run around when it is time for me to get in contact with my daughter. People move on and meet other people, but we have to separate the "two", the faded/dead relationship and the father-mother bond for the child. Your take please!

[Heaventears]

No matter what's going to happen to you, your family will always be there for you. Do not have to feel ashamed for turning in to them, unknowingly they might be your greatest support of all, you just have to slowly divert your attentions to another angle.

 

There's no parents who don't love their children. Mistakes are to be learn and forgiven. Move on my dear...

 

Just like your name CherishG, CHERISH what's ahead of you and keep the history as memories..... Best Wishes....

[lofi_tokyo]

SAME thing happened to me with "teenage mode"

You can't force people to grow up. I know what your going through!

I was 25 and she 18............3 years together.....(thrown away).

/quote]

 

My bestfriend turned 20 this summer, her boyfriend is 24. Theyve been dating two years so... 18-22 were their ages at the start? They're solid right now, just bought a place together, and are really happy. But, now and then, I catch my friend mentioning how she sometimes gets scared by the idea her man is the last guy shes gonna kiss... will this cause problems down the road and prove your theory right? Maybe. I hope not though, they go well together!

[EmperorR]

SAME thing happened to me with "teenage mode"

You can't force people to grow up. I know what your going through!

I was 25 and she 18............3 years together.....(thrown away).

It works itself out if you let it. You know broken vines do? They mend themselves by intertwining with other vines over time and they make stronger VINES! Awesome. MIngle. Let yourself enjoy yourself and not constantly worrying about pleasing another person. You had great memories right? Cherish them. Hold them close to your heart. This guy is going to wake up and realize what you had was special...........I swear.

People are people..............they are not textbook and niether are matters of the heart........

BUt they follow patterns! Just be strong and let the pattern unfold.

 

yup i was 20, my ex 17 when we started dating, everything was good till she turned 20 and voila.

 

Last time I ever date anyone younger than me, immature.