When you feel you know nothing else in life.

[MrEELB]

Hi guys. I am Struggling to find some one else in my life who I could speak to openly about a recent jolt in life which has completely thrown my world.

 

I have always felt proud say I felt 100% in control of my feelings, I have always been a very thoughtful person but always felt I knew why I felt a particular emotion, Now onto the reason for my post.

 

I am a 27 Year old male who has just broken up from a relationship of 10 1/2 years, pretty much as soon as I left school, I met then the best thing in my life. Everybody we knew wanted to be us, we were completely besotted and we would do any thing for each other.

 

Now after some years, whilst love was never an issue, the way my ex partner behaved completely changed, she seemed to loose all her self confidence and in doing so started resenting me seeing my friends, going out alone, doing any thing alone. But because we felt love held us together, we kept at it and all was ok. OR was it?

No on my 21st Birthday I had been talking to a girl and after a short while I took a terrible route and said to my then partner I had, had enough and left her for the new interest in life. To say it didnt work out is a huge understatement, Our friendship circle was the same and all information about all of us was going through Chinese whispers and coming back to us. It ended and as my ex was still living in a different room at my parents place, she had started to knock on my bedroom door in the night for a cuddle and a chat. After some tough weeks we sat down and worked out our differences and gave it another go. As expected all was going great for some time, however the above mentioned element of controlling was back and worse than ever, as I had frankly gone off with another girl the trust had gone. Whilst the love was still strong to actually go out I found my self having to fib to go out, the fibs always got found out and ended up in a huge row.

Please do not get me wrong, when things were good, things were great and I think it made it hard to then make a decision as to what to do.

Years and years went on and back in 05 we were offered a house, which as we were still at my parents we took. But we were for another blow. I needed some time to be with friends. So my fibs were back and I was going out with male friends doing silly things, going for a drive to the coast/going for a drive and class of coke in town/playing games consoles etc etc. This lead to pressure as I was then rolling back in at 2 / 3 in the mourning. The lass didnt want to go out she stayed in and watched TV.

 

Any hows in March 06 she began to get ill, very ill and took time off work after tests it was found she was going through a pregnancy which came with very high risks. Risks to which meant that the baby was never born. I did the moral and the right thing, I then stayed with her all the time however we never grieved or dealt with it, we shut it away. We stopped doing stuff, things we enjoyed and our relationship became a habit of coming in, having a quick surf on the internet and pretty much going to bed. This went on until about 3 months ago. We were on the verge of splitting up and she went through some very tuff times of loosing her nan and uncle in a space of weeks, she had some problems downstairs which she believed to be cervical cancer and she was demoted and facing redundancy at work. It lead her to be a wreck and as we were already emotion filled I never went to the funerals to be there as I didnt want to add to the tention.

After 2 weeks things were terrible, she stayed at her mums every weekend and I felt unwanted, so when she was home I slept on our sofa. I suggested splitting up past on my views and it was agreed we would.

I was going back to my mums and on the day I moved out I was told by my ex "I blame you for the death of our baby"

 

Here is where my life took a tumble, we split in July this year, and even now I feel terrible. I miss her company so much, I go to bed thinking of her and our baby. I wake up in the morning thinking of her and our baby.

I have broke down in front of bosses at work. I find my self driving places in work and thinking of her and the baby and cry.

I feel at an all time low, I dont think I am depressed but 3 months down the track, 2 1/2 stone lighter I am not interested in my view in dating other women.

She is with another fella already, she examines my facebook and makes comments on who I am friends with and my quotes etc. She texts me all the time and have had to ask her to stop contact. She is out on the town getting drunk all the time rolling into work late, she is a complete other person and whilst I shouldnt I worry about her.

 

I feel so lonely. Empty and my future seems terrible. My boss said I should perhap seek some councilling however am not sure.

I stumbled accross this site and thought I would explore some of your experiences.

 

I know based on all of the above I need to look at my issues of cheating/lies and not being supportive to some one but why do I have to feel so bad about the future.

 

Thank you for reading.

Mr B

[MrEELB]

Have I posted this in the wrong section?

[Final Girl]

I can't really help you coz I have never had to deal with anything like you are going through...but it seems like your head is filled with all kinds of worries about your ex when your own life is heading in a downward spiral!! You need to find strength in yourself first and foremost and look after your mental health...breaking down at work is just not good!!!!! that has to be a big wake-up call for you!!

Your mental well being MUST come first...your ex can wait!!