pressar Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Hi everyone, Just wondered if someone could please give me some advice. My boyfriend of 13 months broke up with me 4 weeks ago today and I am finding it so, so hard to carry on. Basically, he did treat me very badly in the relationship, no doubt about that but it doesn't stop me wanting him so badly. He broke up with me, by email saying that he didn't feel the way he used to about me and he didn't believe he can get it back. He said he still wants us to be friends and that he did love me more than anyone he ever has before and that he may be making the biggest mistake of his life but has to make it for both our sakes. I could have handled that and apart from one begging and crying phone call and a couple of dodgy e mails I held my head up high and strode on. The thing that I can't handle is the way he is treating me now. He is so cold and uncaring that it's making me question what is going on. He acts as if this is not bothering him in the slightest and that he does not realise or care at all how destroyed I am. I sent him 2 texts the other night to tell him that I was ready to talk as friends. Well,he rang me 3 times an hour after and left a voicemail because I didn't answer basically abusing me saying that he didn't appreciate my texts, that I was taking the piss by texing twice. Informed me that he does have a life and is trying to enjoy it and doesn't have time to reply to me and he was out with his friends until 1 o clock in the morning. He has removed me on facebook, however has not blocked me. I know that this is because his sisters are my friends on there so through them he can see what I'm doing and getting up to. He also has encouraged his family to keep in touch with me and his mum sent me a birthday card last week. It's as though he wants to keep me in his life through them so that he hasn't let go of me altogether. He also has not removed photos of me and him on facebook kissing and cuddling. I know because they still show up in my photos. Why wouldn't he remove them? The only one he has removed is one in an album entitled the new job and life in ...., where I was in his flat visiting. It's like he doesn't want me in his new life at all. Why remove that one and not the others? Aagh...... I text him telling him that I was glad he was enjoying his life to which he replied and asked how I was. After a couple of texts I told him that I missed talking to him and he said that he did also but just as friends. Now, confusion, yes because that's what I had said in the first place. Anyway that was that really. The thing is that he has just started a whole new life for himself, has a new job and new, single friends and I can't help thinking that it's just a case of the grass being greener for now. Also, we are 200 miles apart and although he says it's not the distance I think it is a factor for him. He always told me he loved me and indeed before breaking up with me, told me he did the day before. He has always blown hot and cold during our relationship and told me on several occassions that I was making him feel things that he didn't want to feel and he missed being able to have no emotions about things. The pattern of his life has always been that when someone gets very close to him and he starts to open up to them, he pushes them away and cuts them out of his life. He always said that he was so scared of me breaking up with him and that he couldn't cope with the pain that would cause and now he has gone and done it to me. I honestly don't know what to think. He refuses to meet me face to face and I don't understand why. Am I stupid to think that maybe he can't handle seeing me himself or does he really just not care? Also, should I just not contact him at all. What is the best way for me to play this given that I want to reconcile with him so badly?
JooLee Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 hi, first of all, i'd want to say that you are not alone. when i first broke up with my ex- i was exactly like you ... he didnt treat me well but nevertheless i still wanted him back badly. and the pain, oh my god, the pain was unbearable. it was so difficult to do anything but lie in bed and cry my eyes out thinking of him and his missing presence. and just like your ex, he is treating me cold as well- to the term that we are not not even friends. at the moment when it all just happened, everything was overwhelming and nothing made sense. how can someone who told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me just turn around and step on my heart repeatedly. i still dont understand it now but i understand that he is just thinking of himself. it has always been about him anyway. and that is how your ex is reacting. i know you'd do anything to get him back, but seriously, would you want someone who doesnt care about you? who wouldnt stop for a minute to fulfill YOUR need? are you going to let him win all the time? to step over your head and leave you to cry? perharps it is time to realise your self worth and that you deserve better and YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN! the mistake i made that made the process of me moving on slower is i kept thinking that he was the one and i will never meet anyone again. i still am not ready to date but i know one day i will meet someone much more fantastic and i will love him more and for sure he's gonna love me much more than anyone ever did. you have to start believing that. stop obsessing his every action. realise that if he wants to be with you, he wud be with you right now... why would u want to fight for someone who doesnt want to fight for you? it may seem like hell right now... but everything happens for a reason.. and perharps this break up could be the best thing that could happen to you. its a time of self discovery and improvising yourself, so you can be the best you are all the time not much of an advice (def not what u were hoping for) but i hope it helps. time is a healer
stillafool Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Hi everyone, Just wondered if someone could please give me some advice. My boyfriend of 13 months broke up with me 4 weeks ago today and I am finding it so, so hard to carry on. Basically, he did treat me very badly in the relationship, no doubt about that but it doesn't stop me wanting him so badly. He broke up with me, by email saying that he didn't feel the way he used to about me and he didn't believe he can get it back. He said he still wants us to be friends and that he did love me more than anyone he ever has before and that he may be making the biggest mistake of his life but has to make it for both our sakes. I could have handled that and apart from one begging and crying phone call and a couple of dodgy e mails I held my head up high and strode on. The thing that I can't handle is the way he is treating me now. He is so cold and uncaring that it's making me question what is going on. He acts as if this is not bothering him in the slightest and that he does not realise or care at all how destroyed I am. I sent him 2 texts the other night to tell him that I was ready to talk as friends. Well,he rang me 3 times an hour after and left a voicemail because I didn't answer basically abusing me saying that he didn't appreciate my texts, that I was taking the piss by texing twice. Informed me that he does have a life and is trying to enjoy it and doesn't have time to reply to me and he was out with his friends until 1 o clock in the morning. He has removed me on facebook, however has not blocked me. I know that this is because his sisters are my friends on there so through them he can see what I'm doing and getting up to. He also has encouraged his family to keep in touch with me and his mum sent me a birthday card last week. It's as though he wants to keep me in his life through them so that he hasn't let go of me altogether. He also has not removed photos of me and him on facebook kissing and cuddling. I know because they still show up in my photos. Why wouldn't he remove them? The only one he has removed is one in an album entitled the new job and life in ...., where I was in his flat visiting. It's like he doesn't want me in his new life at all. Why remove that one and not the others? Aagh...... I text him telling him that I was glad he was enjoying his life to which he replied and asked how I was. After a couple of texts I told him that I missed talking to him and he said that he did also but just as friends. Now, confusion, yes because that's what I had said in the first place. Anyway that was that really. The thing is that he has just started a whole new life for himself, has a new job and new, single friends and I can't help thinking that it's just a case of the grass being greener for now. Also, we are 200 miles apart and although he says it's not the distance I think it is a factor for him. He always told me he loved me and indeed before breaking up with me, told me he did the day before. He has always blown hot and cold during our relationship and told me on several occassions that I was making him feel things that he didn't want to feel and he missed being able to have no emotions about things. The pattern of his life has always been that when someone gets very close to him and he starts to open up to them, he pushes them away and cuts them out of his life. He always said that he was so scared of me breaking up with him and that he couldn't cope with the pain that would cause and now he has gone and done it to me. I honestly don't know what to think. He refuses to meet me face to face and I don't understand why. Am I stupid to think that maybe he can't handle seeing me himself or does he really just not care? Also, should I just not contact him at all. What is the best way for me to play this given that I want to reconcile with him so badly? I'm sorry you are hurting so bad. I think you are holding on to anything that makes you think the two of you will get back together. It sounds like he has made it pretty clear that he is and has moved on. He knows you are having a hard time with it so he is still trying to be a friend to you. He probably told his mom to send you a b-day card because he doesn't want to ruin the relationship you have built with his family as this wouldn't be fair. Of course he is going to treat you differently now because he is trying to break away from you. He doesn't want to meet you face to face because there is no need to. He has already told you how he feels and knows that if you two see each other you are just going to want to talk about your ex relationship which he is no longer interested in. You told him you missed talking to him and he reminded you that he missed talking to you also "as friends". I think it would be better for you to move on and start a whole new life for yourself the way he has. Meet new people and hang out with your old friends. You are going to have to stop contacting him because every time you do you will find out something new to hurt you. You have already said he didn't treat you good when you were together. Why beg him for more? He has told you out right that he doesn't feel the same about you anymore and doesn't think he can get it back. The writing is on the wall - Move On!
sedgwick Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 He has always blown hot and cold during our relationship and told me on several occassions that I was making him feel things that he didn't want to feel and he missed being able to have no emotions about things. The pattern of his life has always been that when someone gets very close to him and he starts to open up to them, he pushes them away and cuts them out of his life. I hope you can see that this is the central issue. I doubt very seriously that it has anything to do with you. It makes me wonder if that's what was going on with my ex...the same thing happened to me, he told me he loved me one night as we fell asleep, and then the next morning he dumped me over breakfast. I never saw him again.
Author pressar Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 Thank you all so much for your advice. True, it is not what I want to hear but it is the truth. I know that I need to stop looking for every last scrap of hope. It's just that if that bit of hope is gone I seem to be left with nothing but emptiness. He doesn't want me anymore. I have to accept it and move forward. Onwards and upwards, I guess.....
wareagle Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 This has nothing to do with you!! You have done nothing wrong so don't feel bad about ANYTHING! My ex had me take professional family photos with her and her family and then four day's later she dumped me!!! He's being a dick!!! The best thing for you is to go NC with this *******!! Delete him from every aspect of your life!! Let him live his and you live yours!!! You deserve better than this!! The whole, I made the biggest mistake of my life thing is complete BULL****!! My ex said the same thing to me several times throughout our relationship when we broke up!! In the end it didn't mean a damn thing!!! Don't listen to his words cause his actions speak louder!! NC this fool!!!
Author pressar Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 No Contact it is then! I haven't contacted him in 3 days and don't intend to. I've been thinking about sending a letter telling him exactly what he has done to me in our relationship for my own closure. Is this wise or do you think he won't really care anyway?
citizen67 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 No Contact it is then! I haven't contacted him in 3 days and don't intend to. I've been thinking about sending a letter telling him exactly what he has done to me in our relationship for my own closure. Is this wise or do you think he won't really care anyway? write the letter for yourself but then have a little ritualistic burning ceremony where you burn the letter and say good by to the relationship
wareagle Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 From what you have wrote about him I would write out how you feel and keep it to yourself, or do as the above poster say's and burn it! I think with his attitude he would just look at it and laugh and get some sort of sick ego boost out of it! You deserve better than this fool!! As much as it sucks and as hard as it's going to be you should stick to NC, get your self respect back, and move on!! It's been 6 months of NC for me and I am not where I need to be, but I am working on it!! Goodluck!! Keep your head up!! Time does heal all wounds!!
stillafool Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Yes I would definitely write that letter. Pour your heart out in it and then read it aloud as if he were there. Cry and burn it!
Author pressar Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Thank you all so much. I am going to write it and then burn it! After 13 months of emotional abuse, being told I'm a retard, fat (I'm 176cm tall and 120 pounds and a recovering bulimic) and once being told that I was dumber than his mum's dog I'm struggling to comprehend the fact that anyone will want me again. I have been asked out on dates since we broke up but I'm not rady to go. The thing that is hurting the most is that he has told his family all his bad stories about me and twisted the whole break up round on me. He ripped my character to shreds and when I dare say one thing in retaliation he told me he never wants to talk to me again and that what I said is the worst thing anyone has ever said to me and point blank then refused to give me the money back he owes me which is a vast quantity saying that seen as I thought that he may as well act like that. What I said was that at the moment I felt as though the last year of my life had been a lie. Am I really so bad to have said that? I know it wasn't a nice thing to say but it truly is how I feel.....
stillafool Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 That was not a bad thing to say at all. He is a jerk and is making excuses to prevent paying you back the loan. I would demand my money back or his ass would end up in small claims court. You are well off to be rid of him.
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