freckles73 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 The "freshly dumped" pain persists after all this time. Nothing has helped ease the pain: therapy, self-help books, dating other guys, work distractions, staying busy with hobbies, volunteering or going out with friends. I am at a loss. I cannot get this guy out from under my skin. Why am I so stuck? Grrrrr! I'm so mad at myself!
sailing Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I'm not that far behind, Freckles. It must be due to a particularly unfortunate combination of timing and personality traits, vitrified by the humiliation. I'm attempting a two-pronged approach of home-made logic and new-age love at the moment: I'm clearly not in control of my feelings, so I can hardly blame him for not being able to control his. I could continue to blame myself for not being able to control mine, but that's equally pointless. As long as I don't feel the need to contact him, I might as well stop fighting it.
orangehose Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I'm sorry about the lingering feelings... I know the pain of feeling something for someone you logically know doesn't deserve it. At the same time, part of me thinks to myself, "I REALLY hope it doesn't take me that long"... If it's any comfort, though, I know of others who have taken several years to get over someone completely. Do you think there is anything that would help, other than somehow going back to the way things were? Perhaps finding someone you love more than your ex?
sedgwick Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 It's been 15 months for me, and I still cry, and dream about him almost every night. I hope it goes away at some point, but I'm sure that at 2 years I'll still be where you are. It's tough when you're really in love and they just bail on you.
FLOWERSTARS Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 It has been 3 weeks for me and I hope that it will not feel this way after 2 years, but, he is a fantastic person and I can understand if I did not meet somebody similar I would still feel it as a loss. He has his own journey though and I cannot feel anything but love for him and wish him everything he wants and needs. I feel lost because I felt my journey to be alongside him, now I have to wait and see my own journey unfold before me.
0hpenelope Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 The "freshly dumped" pain persists after all this time. Nothing has helped ease the pain: therapy, self-help books, dating other guys, work distractions, staying busy with hobbies, volunteering or going out with friends. I am at a loss. I cannot get this guy out from under my skin. Why am I so stuck? Grrrrr! I'm so mad at myself! You know, in comparison to most of the posters here... you've done a lot for yourself. So don't sell yourself too short. I can empathize with your frustration, but I think a shift in perspective is called for here. He was important to you, he was your best friend, and cutting yourself off from someone who meant so much to you is just damn hard. Some people have the luck that they recover faster and some don't - like us. Time is a concept made by man. There's sense when it comes to time, but feelings... Sense is irrelevant when it comes to feelings. It can't be thought of, it's never logical, and it can't be willed away. So we just have to deal and keep chugging along. Good luck in your pursuit of happiness, ok? "Be happy single than be miserable dating." Don't beat yourself too harshly!
Rooster_DAR Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 It's been 15 months for me, and I still cry, and dream about him almost every night. I hope it goes away at some point, but I'm sure that at 2 years I'll still be where you are. It's tough when you're really in love and they just bail on you. It's been over two years for me. Most days I'm okay with just some melancholic reminders, other days I'm in the same boat with you, but I'm fighting tooth and nail to get over it.
Author freckles73 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 It's been over two years for me. Most days I'm okay with just some melancholic reminders, other days I'm in the same boat with you, but I'm fighting tooth and nail to get over it. Don't you find that you get incredibly angry with yourself at times? I sure do. Because I know that he has no control over how I feel about it after all this time - I am in total control of it. If I feel like crying about it then it's because I let it happen. I've tried to redirect that anger at him so that I'll stop getting caught in those moments where I only focus on the good memories that I long for. It works for a brief while, but then I slip again. Considering how awful he treated me, especially the way he ended things, it's a wonder that I waste one brain cell thinking about him. Yes, I'm screwed up.
sunshinegirl Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Freckles, I can relate... Have you written down the 'bad' stuff about him? I find that unless I'm staring at words on a page to remind me that my ex did X or Y careless and hurtful things, I'm apt to focus on all the good stuff.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Don't you find that you get incredibly angry with yourself at times? I sure do. Because I know that he has no control over how I feel about it after all this time - I am in total control of it. If I feel like crying about it then it's because I let it happen. I've tried to redirect that anger at him so that I'll stop getting caught in those moments where I only focus on the good memories that I long for. It works for a brief while, but then I slip again. Considering how awful he treated me, especially the way he ended things, it's a wonder that I waste one brain cell thinking about him. Yes, I'm screwed up. Exactly! It piss*s me off to no end that I still let her do that to me. I'm in control most of the time, but there are times (especially triggered places or events) that bring it all back. I do the same thing, I tend to remember the good times we had and it seems to jack with my head a bit. It just seems like there is nobody else I could share the closeness we had, it's almost like nobody could replace that certain part you shared with them. Of course logic tells me that's not true, but it's hard sometimes.
orangehose Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Yesterday I started thinking about this issue again - what if it takes a VERY long time for me to fully get over things? To the point where my ex is not a daily or even weekly topic of thought in my head? It's a frightening thought but it could very well take a long time. I guess at that point, you have to just accept the lingering feeling, like some sort of chronic disease, and tell yourself: yes, this is what my mind is going to do, even if there's no logical reason - cycle through memories, emotions, etc. I thought of people who've suffered truly terrible losses, like the loss of a child or so on. Ten years later, they'll still think about the loss and feel sad or miss their child. It's a part of their life history now that they just have to live with. Logically, we don't want to feel for our exes in this way, because they hurt us and don't deserve the feelings... But really it's a loss just like any other, and maybe for some of us the grieving process never completely ends, we just learn to live with this baggage. Anger at yourself is futile, although very easy to fall into.
Author freckles73 Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 I thought of people who've suffered truly terrible losses, like the loss of a child or so on. Ten years later, they'll still think about the loss and feel sad or miss their child. It's a part of their life history now that they just have to live with. You may be right. I lost my father when I was 12 and though it's been more than two decades, I think of him several times a week and sometimes daily still. I idolized him. He was the first tall, dark, handsome, strong "protector" in my life who loved me unconditionally. I know I probably have life-long "man issues" because I lost him too soon. Always afraid of abandonment; that sort of thing. But while I loved my ex immensely, I never thought that it could be on the same scale as the grief I felt when I lost my father - where I would still feel the loss after all this time. I wonder.... is it the feelings of love or the abandonment that lingers more?
Peter_pan Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 if i was with a person who stilled cried after 2 years or 15 months "if we broke up and i could see into the future" i dont think id let that person go. it took my ex just 2 weeks to move on.
tealeafbud Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Don't you find that you get incredibly angry with yourself at times? I sure do. Because I know that he has no control over how I feel about it after all this time - I am in total control of it. If I feel like crying about it then it's because I let it happen. I've tried to redirect that anger at him so that I'll stop getting caught in those moments where I only focus on the good memories that I long for. It works for a brief while, but then I slip again. Considering how awful he treated me, especially the way he ended things, it's a wonder that I waste one brain cell thinking about him. Yes, I'm screwed up. You are not screwed up Freckles. In my opinion, it's just taking you a bit longer to let go, for whatever reason. it seems like you've gone through the whole spectrum of healing methods out there. I think you just still need to keep doing what you're doing. You're probably better off than you think. We all have good and bad days. For me, it's been about 8 months, and even when I was the one who dumped my ex, I had some feelings for her post break up. It was because of this I thought I was screwed up royally. But I know what was the truth. I knew deep in my heart I did the right thing. Anyway, it seems like you have a great support system and you seem level headed. Keep doing what you're doing and you know LS will always be here on those bad days.
orangehose Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I wonder.... is it the feelings of love or the abandonment that lingers more? Great question... I think one can't exist without the other, because when you stop feeling abandoned or angry, it's because you no longer feel the loss of something wonderful (hence the feelings of love have gone) and vice versa.
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