Karma101 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 So I got involved with a divorcing man. Not too bright I know...now. His wife cheated on him and continued in a relationship with this OM for over a year now. The divorce was moving forward, but slowly. She started contacting him about reconciliation earlier this Summer, but then wasn't sure, etc. and continued to see her boyfriend. This, obviously, stirred quite a bit of emotion in my BF (her STBXH). They have 3 children together and were married almost 20 years. We continued in our relationship and had been together almost 9 months. We are very close and I have spent quite a bit of time with his children. Lots of talk about the future, etc. 2nd round of mediation was scheduled for next week. This past Monday...BAM...she decided that she definitely wanted to try and work on their marriage and see each other exclusively. She broke up with her BF last week and expected him to get rid of me. And he did. Needless to say I am totally heartbroken. Break up was very amicable. I understand his need to keep his family together and their history together. I certainly can't compete with 20 years together. There were lots of tears on both our parts and lots of I love you's. He has been separated for almost 1.5 years now and I was not his 1st "relationship", aka rebound. We actually took things quite slowly and continued to date other people in the early months. Only since May had it gotten exclusive between us and more serious. I love this man with all of my heart. I want to be mad. I want to hate him. But I can't. I am beyond heartbroken right now. Do I think their reconciliation will really work? Probably not. From what he's told me of the situation and her, it seems like a lot of time has passed by with no real effort. But that's for him to find out on his own. And maybe they will put their marriage back together. I only wish him much happiness. In my mind, I hold out no hope for us to ever get back together. I know my heart will catch up sooner or later. We obviously have agreed that NC is the only way and I respect his decision and the fact that he's still married enough to do whatever it takes to ensure that I don't break that. But it's so hard. To go from seeing/talking to someone everyday to nothing. They live in separate households, btw. To me, it felt like this happened overnight. In reality, the door was probably always open in his mind to reconciling, I just don't think he believed she would ever do so in a genuine and authentic way. I'm trying to look on the bright side. To take with me some great memories. He's been by my side during some pretty difficult times over recent months. I know his feelings for me are real. This was by no means a whirlwind rebound relationship moving at the speed of light. We took things slowly and feelings seemed to develop naturally over time. I know it will get better and that harboring bitter feelings will do me no good. So...is it bad that I want to find this woman and claw her freakin' eyes out?!? She never showed much interest in him or the relationship until she realized that he was actually getting serious with someone else and moving on with his life, and the divorce. I hate feeling like this. It's pretty rare to find such an intense connection and compatability/comfort with someone on so many levels. I worry that I won't find it again. I'm 37 and divorced myself. I said everything that I could possibly want to say with him today. I have as much closure as anyone could hope for in a break up. I just don't have him...
2sunny Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 well just stay busy and productive for now. i'm sure your position sucks at the moment, but maybe he figures it's something he needs to do to be clear that he tried his very hardest to make it work. you are correct by saying that you can't compete with 20 years of history. if you had fun along the way - he will remember the good times fondly with you. it may be that the bad outweighs the good once he's back with the W. i would move forward and be happy. lay low for a while... it doesn't usually take very long for a man to figure out if he's staying or not. the deficiencies seem to become very glaring after they settle into their old routine. it's how he feels about their relationship deficiencies that will allow you to understand where he stands and what he will or won't do about it.
Author Karma101 Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 I am so not doing well this AM. So hard not to just pick up the phone and call/text him. Well... I did send him a text last night. Late. Now I feel guilty. I don't want to disrespect his decision. I am generally not an overly emotional person, and am out of my comfort zone, totally overwhelmed w/ my feelings. This is just so hard...
Author Karma101 Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 Saw him this afternoon. One final time to let our feelings out and say goodbye. It made me feel so much better in the short term... To see him, hug him, kiss him... But now, I'm right back at ground zero. I am truly my own worse enemy!!!
stillafool Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I thought you were going NC on him. Why are you still texting and seeing him? It is not going to make you feel any better. It will only set you back to ground zero every time you contact this man. He obviously wanted to go back to his wife by how quickly he jumped when she called. He cannot blame it on "the kids" as so many married people do. They stay because that is where they want to be. You have got to find it within yourself to let him go. As you said you have already gotten all the closure you need. The rest is up to you.
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