Jovie Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I feel stuck… I have been trying for months to put this crush out of my head, but I can’t do it. I am a graduate student and terribly smitten with a woman who was my teacher last semester. Aside from the fact that we’re both female (hope you aren’t morally opposed to such things, I’m not in the mood to debate or defend that), we’d make a reasonably normal match, we’re both in our thirties and have many common experiences. She’s finishing up her PhD, I’m finishing up my masters at the same school. Of course I admire her as a teacher and as a scholar, but I don’t think I’ve falsely idealized her or put her on some “I want to be just like you when I grow up” sort of pedestal. I mainly feel a plain old human connection with her. The usual stuff, you know: we laugh at the same jokes, have similar values and interests… besides that, she’s, um, hot. I just like her. A lot. The teacher-student thing troubles me though. I’m a teacher, too, and never in my life have I had amorous feelings about a student. I like my students very much, but the line between my professional relationships with them and my personal relationships with friends or lovers is one that I’ve never even been tempted to cross. It simply doesn’t occur to me to think about them as anything other than my students, and I keep telling myself that she must feel that same way about me. Surely the connection between us is nothing more than my own wishful thinking. The way our eyes would seek each other out whenever someone said something that we mutually found interesting, the quiet shared grins over random things that seemed to amuse no one else, the causal but unusually open-hearted chats on the bus ride home (we live on the same bus route)… it’s probably all my imagination. She was probably just being cordial and pleasant. Last semester, I tried hard (and mostly failed) to suppress those instinctive grins and confine the friendly chats to boring topics, mainly because I desperately wanted to flirt like crazy but was simultaneously horrified by the idea. I didn’t want her to know just how very unprofessional were my real thoughts about her. Now that a new semester has started, I keep running into her in and around the university, and part of me is dying to dig for a little more, but I don’t know how to go about it. Even though I’m no longer her student, it would be very awkward and more than a little taboo to ask a former professor: “so are you gay? and are you into me, by any chance? because I think you are and really really hope I’m right.” What should I do?
ed-205 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I can't say much about same-sex relationships one way or the other because they simply don't affect my life, however, I do work in the education industry, and I *can* tell you that I have seen educators lose their careers over interpersonal relationships with students. Most educational institutions would rather cut loose a staff member than risk a potential harassment lawsuit. whatever you do you want to play it very close to your chest. I know that's not the answer you're looking for, but it's all I got.
D-Lish Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 You're a graduate student- not a first year 18 year old kid starting university. Heck- when I was in university people in the faculty dated one another. I am assuming you are a TA? She is Prof? And you said you're both in your 30's? There's no one that would take notice or offence to such a relationship. Grad students are adults and faculty if they are teaching. Academics aren't concerned with this sort of stuff.... so don't let that bother you. And she's not your teacher anymore... so...!! Do you think she's a lesbian? Do you get that vibe from her? You mentioned you picked up on some subtle things- remember that instinct is one of our strongest yet most ignored skill. I'm a straightee- and I can pick up on who's gay and who is not for the most part- so you must have some sort of incling..... Anyway- It's no different than any other romantic interest... I think you have to make up an excuse to go to her office. Make something up- a question, or some advice you need. Ask her to have coffee. Then ask her if she is seeing anyone.... Friends ask these kinds of questions. That will at least put you in a position to get a better vibe. If you have similar interests- why not ask her to go somewhere with you (tickets for something- whatever, etc.) Out of curiousity- does she know you are gay? Rules rarely apply at your level of education... it never did at my university. I used to go out and drink with my TA's... even dated one for a while. I say you have to go for it and make the approach. Go to her office and ask her advice about something... that's what I would do (and did do when I had a crush on a TA).
ChickenAce Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Reminds me when i was young, though i was very flattered to have a teacher have a crush on me i was a young teenager and she was a phd. She was a little aggressive and i was going through those years I felt real awkward about an adult and a kid. In your case your both adults. I dunno how or what rules exist but it would be better imho if your both about the same age cos things with different ages get complicated as far as I believe but hey you cant get it out of your system and I been there with certain people. Good Luck you never know something might work out.
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