taylor3205 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Well it has been 9 months. Lots of ups and downs, mixed feelings and one thing and another. We were together 10 years. My ex has just started visitng me again, 'friends' is all he can offer right now. I suffered from depression while we were together and that is a lot of the problem. He cares for me, he says he still has feelings for me. Said all he wants is for me to get help with my depression etc and lift myself out of the rut I am in. I ask if I done that can we get back together, he always replies that I cant do it for that reason alone as its pointless. I have to do it for me and not just to get back together with him. This I can understand, but I cant help wanting to get back with him. Whenever I talk about us getting back together, he just wont say yes or no. He just says I still have feelings for you and I dont want to say too much. He said to me the other day that he didnt wanna say how he truly felt as I would just think, oh well we are getting back together and therefor wont do anything about my depression etc. I know what he is saying. He doesent want to come back to me in my depressed state and wants me to be happy within myself without him. Its kind of a catch 22 situation, because while getting back with him wouldnt cure my depression, it would make me feel 100 times better and help. Yet not being with him is causing my depression to be twice as bad as it ever was. I feel like I cant win and not matter what I do, I lose out. I just dont know what to do anymore.
EllaDerSpin Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 He sounds really lovely and caring and sensible too. He is right he cannot get back with you as the current circumstances stand because he does not feel that you are ready and therefore has no faith in the relationship. It would not work if one person does not have faith in it. Do you think that you need to take a break from him completely in order to deal with the depression? What do you think you need to deal with the depression? Is him being around you at the present making you feel weaker?
sid3 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 It sounds like this guy really cares about you. he also sounds smart enough to realise coming back without your having taken care of your depression would not work. And he wants you to get through it for the right reason, you! I have experienced bouts of severe depression a few times in my life. I know how you are feeling. It is horrible. And until recently, most people did not fully understand the severity of depression. Yes it sounds like a catch 22 right now. But that can change for the better. Perhaps for the immediate future you can focus on getting through your depression, for you. The icing on the cake will be the likelihood that it will also improve your R with your ex. While there is no guarantee, if you are able to get the help you need and do the work, when it's resolved, you'll be in a better place regardless. I know it never happens over nite, but I was able to greatly reduce the amount of time it took me to beat back my depression by the aggressive approach I took towards dealing with the issues and some of the painful circumstances that allowed the depression to take hold to begin with. I'm not a big fan of meds. But depending on the circumstances, sometimes a mild form of meds can really help expidite getting you back were you want to be. I hope things work out for you....best of luck to you
Author taylor3205 Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 Thanks for the replies. Him being around makes me feel better when I am actually talking to him and I am with him. But I feel like crap when I am not. We had a major falling out last year, things just exploded big time, it was awful and I havent been dealing with the break up very well at all and neither has he, until recently. Although he has accepted it is over at the moment and seems happier within himself, but I havent and dont yet. We have both been through hell and both hit the drink. To make matters worse I lost my home that i was living in for 8 years as well, I had to move somewhere rural and remote. To make matters worse still, I went to my friends house a few weeks ago, had a few beers and foolishly drove home, it was a new car, I wasnt used to it, I hit a wall, Im now getting prosecuted for drink driving and have been banned from driving so I am feeling more isolated and lonelier than I ever have. I know I was stupid for doing this so please dont rub it in. I dont know anyone in this knew village and public transport is virtually non existent. I think this was the wake up call I needed though, I havent been dealing with things, just blotting things out with alcohol, I have never felt so low in my entire life. I am determined to get the help I need now though. To complicate matters even further I know he has been hooking up with other people while we have been apart. Although he says its meaningless while drunk and was an attempt to try and put me out of his mind (which hasnt worked). I have a place in university starting in a couple of weeks so that could solve my transport and isolation problem and maybe also lift me out of the depression a bit as I will be working towards something worthwhile and will be kept occupied most days with my workload. My ex says I should without a doubt take the opportunity and go, he is going to take my dog for me if i do. The university is 2 hours away though and I told him I was scared that if I went, that would be us completey and utterly over for ever. However his reply was that it wasnt a million miles away and he would drive down to visit and keep in touch and I could visit him when I came back here. Im going to go for it as it is my only hope. I guess if he loves me and it was meant to be then everything will work out.
gd26 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Alcohol is a depressant-- it actually increases one's state of depression due to its affects on the brain. So please for your sake... avoid alcohol entirely if you can as you try to work yourself out of the depression! It will only hold you back. I think the university option seems like a great idea! Go for it!
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