Damned if I do, damned if I don't!

[Star Gazer]

So, I hadn't heard from the guy I wasn't all that into (Dave) in almost a week. I got home from a business trip last night and was exhausted so I stayed in. I became incredibly bored, so I texted him hello. He responded immediately, and said he was surprised to hear from me. Why? He said, "Well, I figured if you were into me, you'd call me. I didn't want to push the issue."

 

By Dave's rules, if a girl is into a guy, SHE contacts HIM.

 

Okay.

 

On the other hand, certain guys - such as the text dumper, or other guys who I AM/WAS into - don't want to be called. They want to have the upper hand.

 

By TD's rules, if a guy is into a girl, HE calls HER. If she preempts this act by calling him first, he's turned off.

 

In other words, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

So I say: Do whatever the eff feels right TO YOU. The right person will pick up what you're puttin' down.

[spookie]

Do whatever the eff feels right TO YOU.

 

Yup. I agree.

 

I must say, maybe it's the guys I go for, but my longest relationships resulted in my being the chaser. Actually now that I think about it, that was all my relationships. In many of them, they were more into me than I into them, also. So IMO those he's just not that into you rules don't apply at all.

 

That said... if those are his rules, I think there's something wrong with his self-esteem. Or he's a liar.

[girlygirl25]

I think that men's "phone call etiquette" is different. In my experience, I have always had men call me if they were interested. If they dont call I just conclude that they weren't into me.

 

Let me ask you a question though: Why did you text him? I know you said you were bored, but if you aren't "into" him then what was the purpose of the text? Was it just a friendly hello type deal?

[Trialbyfire]

Star, it's true. Do what feels right for you.

 

On the otherhand, do you want to be the one always pursuing?

[johan]

If you adjust your behavior to what you think the other person expects from you, you'll just always be guessing. The fact is if someone digs you, then it doesn't matter much what you do. If you call right away, they won't mind. If you wait, they'll be glad to hear from you when you do call.

 

It's best not to worry about it. Just do what feels most comfortable and have faith that things will work out ok. But also don't be rude or neglectful.

[Star Gazer]

Yup. I agree.

 

I must say, maybe it's the guys I go for, but my longest relationships resulted in my being the chaser. Actually now that I think about it, that was all my relationships. In many of them, they were more into me than I into them, also. So IMO those he's just not that into you rules don't apply at all.

 

I've always been the chaser too. If I chased and they wanted to be caught, we had a great relationship....and like you, they were more into me than I probably was. However, if I chased and they didn't want to be caught, well...then it went nowhere. The only thing I think I need to learn as a result is when to stop chasing.

 

I actually read this book the other day that women are instinctively chasers, and men are instinctively distancers. Pretty interesting read, actually.

[vonerik012]

Is this the guy you had the best date ever with from myspace?

[Star Gazer]

I think that men's "phone call etiquette" is different. In my experience, I have always had men call me if they were interested. If they dont call I just conclude that they weren't into me.

 

All I'm saying is that many times, I bet you were wrong.

 

Let me ask you a question though: Why did you text him? I know you said you were bored, but if you aren't "into" him then what was the purpose of the text? Was it just a friendly hello type deal?

 

I don't really know why I did, to be honest. I had told him I'd get in touch when I got back from my business trip, so part of me was just following through with my word. However, it was largely due to boredom.

 

Star, it's true. Do what feels right for you.

 

On the otherhand, do you want to be the one always pursuing?

 

I didn't mean to imply that I'm always the one pursuing. I don't chase if they're running away (or, I try not to, anyway). They do chase back, or at least stand still long enough to be caught.

 

Thing is, I've NEVER been one to sit back and WAIT for things I want to come to me - either professionally or romantically or otherwise. It's just not in my nature. I go after what I want. Why should my feelings towards a dude be any different?

[Trialbyfire]

I didn't mean to imply that I'm always the one pursuing. I don't chase if they're running away (or, I try not to, anyway). They do chase back, or at least stand still long enough to be caught.

 

Thing is, I've NEVER been one to sit back and WAIT for things I want to come to me - either professionally or romantically or otherwise. It's just not in my nature. I go after what I want. Why should my feelings towards a dude be any different?

Then go for it. Do what feels right for you. Perhaps this is a way to find a guy who meets your needs.

[Star Gazer]

If you adjust your behavior to what you think the other person expects from you, you'll just always be guessing. The fact is if someone digs you, then it doesn't matter much what you do. If you call right away, they won't mind. If you wait, they'll be glad to hear from you when you do call.

 

It's best not to worry about it. Just do what feels most comfortable and have faith that things will work out ok. But also don't be rude or neglectful.

 

I agree. Really, if you're really into someone (or they you), nothing you can do to break "the rules" will really matter.

 

Is this the guy you had the best date ever with from myspace?

 

For the upteenth time, I haven't dated anyone FROM MySpace.

 

That said, I don't know which guy you're talking about. Both not-into-him Dave and the new best-date-ever guy were guys I got BACK into touch with as a result of MySpace. The dude I texted last night was Dave.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Are you into this guy?

[Star Gazer]

Then go for it. Do what feels right for you. Perhaps this is a way to find a guy who meets your needs.

 

That's what I'm thinking.

 

I may get rejected in the process, which will suck, but at least I'll be doing what feels right for me. The right guy won't get scared away because I call him 2 days after a date when he intended to call me on the 3rd day...ya know?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

What I meant to say is, are you more interested in him now than you were before?

[Star Gazer]

Are you into this guy?

 

Which guy? This thread subject isn't guy-specific...in fact, I mentioned two just by way of example.

[Legend]

Are you into this guy?

No, she was bored.

[girlygirl25]

Are you into this guy?

 

That's what I am wondering as well. Do you want to date this dude?

[Legend]

I've always been the chaser too. If I chased and they wanted to be caught, we had a great relationship....and like you, they were more into me than I probably was. However, if I chased and they didn't want to be caught, well...then it went nowhere. The only thing I think I need to learn as a result is when to stop chasing.

 

I actually read this book the other day that women are instinctively chasers, and men are instinctively distancers. Pretty interesting read, actually.

Name of book please?

[vonerik012]

Are you being honest with us on any of these threads?

 

Is there something you do on dates that totally turns men off? I mean you are attractive, good job, hard working, and they do not call you back?

 

You should NEVER have to call a man after a first date , first.

[Star Gazer]

That's what I am wondering as well. Do you want to date this dude?

 

I don't see how it matters to the subject matter of this thread???

 

Please read the last thread about this guy if you want to readdress that issue. I'm undecided.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Which guy? This thread subject isn't guy-specific...in fact, I mentioned two just by way of example.

 

 

I was talking about the first one you mentioned. But since it is not guy-specific...I have to agree that it is difficult to know what to do in these situations. I often second guess myself. My feeling is that if they really like you, it doesn't matter who calls. If they are on the fence, then these little things become more important. And who wants to be with that guy anyway?

[Star Gazer]

Are you being honest with us on any of these threads?

 

Is there something you do on dates that totally turns men off? I mean you are attractive, good job, hard working, and they do not call you back?

 

Who said they don't call back? They do. The right ones do (or will). The right guy won't be offended by a violation of an arbitrary dating rule, an expectation of who calls who first. That's the entire point of this thread.

 

Keep your personal attacks off this thread. Consider yourself warned.

[Star Gazer]

But since it is not guy-specific...I have to agree that it is difficult to know what to do in these situations. I often second guess myself. My feeling is that if they really like you, it doesn't matter who calls. If they are on the fence, then these little things become more important. And who wants to be with that guy anyway?

 

Precisely!

 

Using Dave as an example... I said that his behavior bugged me. I was on the fence, and his behavior pushed me over to the "not interested" side.

 

But truth be told, as I admitted in the other thread, if I WAS really into him, that behavior wouldn't have bugged me in the slightest. If anything, I would have rather enjoyed it.

 

We all should be with the person who's NOT on the fence, and/or won't cross to the other side based on some "rule" violation.

[vonerik012]

If a man likes you, he will call you....Period.

[Legend]

No wtf. women can call a guy up too. F*k the rules.

[Star Gazer]

If a man likes you, he will call you....Period.

 

I realize that. I didn't say otherwise.

 

However, if a Type-A woman likes a man, and goes after what she wants, there should be nothing wrong with her calling him as well.