BannaBee57 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I just found myself in an annoying situation and would like to know how others would respond to this. A guy asked me to "go out on Saturday" through a text message on Thursday. I accepted the invitation. This would be our first date. We talked a little bit more and he didn't specify a time or place. I just figured he'd get back to me with some idea of what we'd be doing. I didn't hear from him until just now (4:35 on the evening of this supposed "date"). He just texted me "Hi". I'm all for being spontaneous, but I don't want to give him the impression that it was ok for him to wait until the last minute to firm up plans for the date. How would the rest of you ladies respond to this? Should I just text him back and go out with him, or let him know that I'm not interested in going out tonight as he waited too long to get ahold of me again? Also, what is with all this texting? Why can't people call you to ask for a date? I'm not that scary
girlygirl25 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I agree on the whole texting thing. Why did he ask you on a text message? I personally think that if you are going to ask someone on a date it should at LEAST be over the phone! When my boyfriend and I first got together he used to text me constantly and ask me for dates. I had a talk with him and told him that it is more romantic and just better etiquette to call a girl and ask her out. He said that he really hates talking on the phone, but if it would make me happy then he would call me from now on. I'm not saying that you should tell this guy this at this early stage. I think I would be a little upset that this guy waited to the last minute to even plan the date? On the other hand, he figured you had already accepted his invitation, therefore he was just letting you know what time the date was set for. The "male brain" doesn't always think in terms of convience to the woman they are dating. I would still go out with this guy, but not ask him about it because he may percieve it as nagging. If he asks you out again, then tell him that you would appreciate him to firm up plans prior to day of the date so you can plan what you have to do for the day.
Author BannaBee57 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 So, excuse it as the "male brain" not thinking about if it's convenient for me? By no means am I a ball buster or a princess, but I don't really see myself dating someone who doesn't think about what might be convenient for me. I only ask for what I give in return. Anyway, he just texted "still free tonight?"
girlygirl25 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 So, excuse it as the "male brain" not thinking about if it's convenient for me? By no means am I a ball buster or a princess, but I don't really see myself dating someone who doesn't think about what might be convenient for me. I only ask for what I give in return. Anyway, he just texted "still free tonight?" It's up to you whether or not you want to give him a chance. If you want to go then accept his invitation and if he does ask you out again request that he give you some advance notice on the plans. He may be dumb and not know that it is something that has upset you.
Author BannaBee57 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 It's up to you whether or not you want to give him a chance. You're right. It is my choice. I think the whole situation with him waiting makes me feel like he's not really that interested, which in turn has made me lose my interest. Couple that with the whole texting thing and I find that I'm having to talk myself into going out with him at this point. Not a good start.
Star Gazer Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I hate using texting while dating, but it seems impossible to avoid. He's unsure about your interest level. If you're into him, I'd give him a free pass.
Tomcat33 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Noooooooo! Don't text him to tell him "I'm not interested now it's too late" that is REALLY lame. Just don't respond, text him back tomorrow and tell him sorry I was already out. End of story, you owe him no other explanation. If he wants to set a date with you it will have to be in advance next time.
Star Gazer Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I would think that if you flake on your date tonight, not to expect a date with him EVER. You made plans. IMO, they're firm plans - you just didn't know the exact details yet.
Tomcat33 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I would think that if you flake on your date tonight, not to expect a date with him EVER. You made plans. IMO, they're firm plans - you just didn't know the exact details yet. Are you kidding? That's not flaking on a date!!! He texts her the evening on the day of the supposed date and expects her to be free? She's a backup plan at this point if she jumps to this text she will always be backup to whatever is going on in his social life. If they had firm plans he would have called her the day before to set up a time and meeting place.
Author BannaBee57 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 He's unsure about your interest level. If you're into him, I'd give him a free pass. Well, I guess that's the problem. I'm not sure if I'm into him. I'm not going to shoot him down or anything, I just want a little more than random get togethers. He asked me to meet him at a bar later. I wish I could be excited to go out with him. I would have been if he wasn't being so blah about the whole thing.
Tomcat33 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 He asked me to meet him at a bar later. You see there you go, he asked you to meet you at a bar later. You know what that means? It means in his eyes you are good enough to have at then end of the night to tag along to some bar where HE planned his night and possibly have you back to his house for a good "ending" to the night but not good enough that he would plan a saturday evening outing WITH you exclusively.
Author BannaBee57 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 You see there you go, he asked you to meet you at a bar later. You know what that means? It means in his eyes you are good enough to have at then end of the night to tag along to some bar where HE planned his night and possibly have you back to his house for a good "ending" to the night but not good enough that he would plan a saturday evening outing WITH you exclusively. Haha, I would NEVER go back to his place in that situation. I know exactly what you're talking about though Tomcat. I've definitely been in that situation before so I know the signs. This seems to be the case. Well, I kind of turned the tables and just said I wouldn't be in that area of the city tonight, but if he made it over to where I'll be he can let me know. Star, if he had actually given me a time frame for the date or a place we were going I would feel like I'm flaking, but with the lack of communication I think we can just chalk this one up to mutual flakyness and see if anything happens from here. Thanks for the advice ladies
Tomcat33 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Well, I kind of turned the tables and just said I wouldn't be in that area of the city tonight, but if he made it over to where I'll be he can let me know. Smart cookie you are BannaBee!!! So you put the ball back in his court if he wants to come and see you he can come to you. Beautiful. Nice work. PS was also gonna post before, guys also test to see how much they can get away with and you sent him a nice clear message.
Author BannaBee57 Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 Smart cookie you are BannaBee!!! So you put the ball back in his court if he wants to come and see you he can come to you. Beautiful. Nice work. PS was also gonna post before, guys also test to see how much they can get away with and you sent him a nice clear message. Thanks Tomcat. Oh, I know about the testing. I don't fall for that crap. We'll see if he calls...or texts, in his case
xpaperxcutx Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I think for him to make last minute specific arrangements, is poor planning on his part. It shows how inconsiderate he is to you if you were to have had plans and you were made to drop those to accommodate him. I'm glad to see that you turned the table onto him. Hopefully he'll get the hint.
child_of_isis Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I wouldn't even have given him that. He'll be looking you up when he is good & drunk later on. Booty call type of thing. Well, I kind of turned the tables and just said I wouldn't be in that area of the city tonight, but if he made it over to where I'll be he can let me know.
IrishCarBomb Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I don't want to give him the impression that it was ok for him to wait until the last minute to firm up plans for the date. I'm pretty sure that in his view, the date was planned when you accepted his Thursday message. In his mind he gave you 48 hours. Before he texted at 4:35, what was your mindset? Were you still planning on meeting him? I really can't see this as him pressing boundaries or testing your limits. I think he just didn't realize that you needed more details in order to get ready.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Are you kidding? That's not flaking on a date!!! He texts her the evening on the day of the supposed date and expects her to be free? She's a backup plan at this point if she jumps to this text she will always be backup to whatever is going on in his social life. If they had firm plans he would have called her the day before to set up a time and meeting place. I disagree. I wouldn't ask someone on a formal date via text. But I have checked schedules via email and follow up with a call. But if you already accepted a date (even via text) then flaking is poor form.
Tomcat33 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I disagree. I wouldn't ask someone on a formal date via text. But I have checked schedules via email and follow up with a call. But if you already accepted a date (even via text) then flaking is poor form. . Well there you go, that sort of trumps anything that comes after that. There was none of that here. Asking someone what they have planned for the weekend on a text is not formal nor is it fixed. "Do you have plans Sat night?" via text is NOT asking a firm date, calling her up the next day and saying "ok since you are free let's do this...what time should I pick you up etc." THAT'S a date. There was none of that. There was one text wondering what she was doing on Sat and another text on sat at 5pm in the evening wondering what she was doing again. That was hardly a date, that was him making his own plans and seeing where he could fit her in and Banna saw this and understood this, good for her! She did the right thing. I would have never accepted his "invitation to go meet him at some stupid bar at the end of the night" Here, why don't we just cut the bar out all together and I bring my assss over to your place at 3am and don't you worry I know you will want to be alone the next morning so why don't I get a cab to wait for me downstairs, I'll come over do the deed and I am outta there" essentially that IS what he was fishing for!
rod_in_gtown Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Well there you go, that sort of trumps anything that comes after that. There was none of that here. Asking someone what they have planned for the weekend on a text is not formal nor is it fixed. "Do you have plans Sat night?" via text is NOT asking a firm date, calling her up the next day and saying "ok since you are free let's do this...what time should I pick you up etc." THAT'S a date. There was none of that. There was one text wondering what she was doing on Sat and another text on sat at 5pm in the evening wondering what she was doing again. That was hardly a date, that was him making his own plans and seeing where he could fit her in and Banna saw this and understood this, good for her! She did the right thing. I would have never accepted his "invitation to go meet him at some stupid bar at the end of the night" Here, why don't we just cut the bar out all together and I bring my assss over to your place at 3am and don't you worry I know you will want to be alone the next morning so why don't I get a cab to wait for me downstairs, I'll come over do the deed and I am outta there" essentially that IS what he was fishing for! My dear tomcat. Are we reading the same post? The OP says "he texted me to go out with him on Saturday, and I accepted" that is a date whether or not he gave her a play by play of the evening. Now, his follow up was very lame but that doesn't mean there wasn't a date accepted in the first place. And like I said, flaking out on a set date IS poor form. No matter how dumb the dude may be.
Tomcat33 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 My dear tomcat. Are we reading the same post? The OP says "he texted me to go out with him on Saturday, and I accepted" that is a date whether or not he gave her a play by play of the evening. Now, his follow up was very lame but that doesn't mean there wasn't a date accepted in the first place. And like I said, flaking out on a set date IS poor form. No matter how dumb the dude may be. My dear Rod, yes we are. And it is left up to interpretation what was said in the text that so called "firmed up the date" since she doesn't say so specifically either way . My guess is it went a little something like this: So do you wanna do something on saturday night if you are free?" She answers "yes" Saturday night rolls around, at 5pm and he says "so you still free?" Then she she responds and he says, ok well "me and the boyz are gonna be at X come meet us there later" AND on top of it he does this: I didn't hear from him until just now (4:35 on the evening of this supposed "date"). He just texted me "Hi". It's like pulling teeth. SO if she just went nothing but "hi" back there was nothing there then! All along this guy's plan was to have Banna meet him wherever he would be. Sorry in my eyes there was no date made here. Only plans to hang out. And there is nothing set in stone or breakable when you losely make plans to hang out. Banna can explain in more detail but this is what I see contrary to what you see Rod.
vonerik012 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 It sounds to me like they met online and are complete strangers. He is on the fence about meeting her, and would probably prefer if she did not even reply to his text, or at best he was ambivalent. Then just asking to meet a bar is on par for the rest of it.
OpenBook Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 And like I said, flaking out on a set date IS poor form. No matter how dumb the dude may be. Are you kidding me??!? The way this guy acted, I'd go out of my way to DROWN him in flakiness. Like, cheerfully respond "OK see you there!!" and then never show up... and don't answer any of his calls or texts for the next few days. And then (if I happened to be bored and felt like f*cking with him) finally answer his call or text like nothing ever happened. And if he had the temerity to ask me out again, I'd put him through the exact same scenario. Sweetly and cheerfully accept, and then never show up. Over and over again, until he got the message!!
Tomcat33 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Are you kidding me??!? The way this guy acted, I'd go out of my way to DROWN him in flakiness. Exactly!!! There is nothing LESS committal than making plans to see someone over text message, any meeting conducted over text message spells "I can take this or leave this" A person who is serious about meeting another person picks up the phone and firms up plans none if this pussyfooting around bullcrap. I've met guys online and on a tuesday they asked me out for Saturday night and come thrusday or friday they made sure to firm up plans for Saturday, first via asking if we were still on second by closing the deal and firming up meeting place and time. Only a fool, a selfish loser, or a mildly intersted dude leaves the planning to text messaging and to the last possible minute. Either way he got what he deserved, NOTHING. The guy was trying to keep his options open for a saturady night you don't have to be Einstein to see that much, and Banna saw right through it, good for her!
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