Married because I was STUPID!

[BKLovesWho]

I can figure out what is going on with me. I can't stop thinking about my first love. I've been locked into a marriage for the past twenty years because my wife aborted our first child when we were living unwed at the time. She ran away several times before we tied the knot (I ignored all the warning signs). I never belived that I was in love with her at all; I was on the rebound from a relationship that I cut off with the only women I ever been in love with because she broke my heart in high school (we were young when we were seriously dating, at the time of the break up we were 23 years old). I ran away because I was afraid to get my heart broken again.

 

Needless to say I have been in a marriage with a women who is scarely seems to acknowledge love. She thinks cooking and cleaning and working long hours to pay for my our adult sons college is love for me. If I wanted a maid I'd hire one if I wanted an adult dependent I would have a basement. I want the kid gone he needs to stand on his own two feet and make a life for himself. He is a jackass and needs to be in the real world where he isn't shielded from the response he would get being that way. My wife refuses to cut the aporon strings and continues to snoop in his phone and room.

 

I was in the military for 24 years and kept going to war trying to get myself killed. I got shot twice and survived. Both times I got shot I was thinking of my first love not my wife or family. I never think about my wife. As I layed bleeding I promised myself I would find my first love and tell her the truth about everything. She is the only person that I cared what she thought about me. I also wanted her forgiveness for what ever stupid thing I did or said that led to our breakup!

 

I did managed to contact her by email and choked. I just was afraid to tell her. I had a buisness trip up close to where she lived she told me in the email and I was determined to set things right. I didn't want to restart anything I just want the tought of her out of my mind heart and soul. I dream about her every night and if I am not actively mentally engaged She pops right into my councious thoughts. I can't listen to music anymore because it reminds me of her and I begin to tear up.

 

Help! What is wrong with me. This has caused havoc with my marriage and I can't even civil to my wife anymore. I have zero tolerance for anything she says or does. I also think she's going through menapause as she paints her toes organge and her finger nails yellow. We have two children which she hovered around and basiclly ignored me once they were born. Even now she rather interact with them than me. I believe she thinks they will take care of her for the rest of her life because how she dotes on them (oriental custom). I told her they were raised in America not Korea and kids don't learn that here in the states. The first child was a complete surprise. She was on the pill or so she said. I got wise once she started to puke. I was pissed because she aborted our first child when we were just living together. She was suppose to be on the pill then also... I paid for the abortion and my religious brain washing screwed up my tought process and I stayed with her.

 

Anyway, I had a buisness trip and actually found myself determined to find my first love. I drove 11 hours to the town she was living in but I didn't have an address. I had done this several times before when I was single with the same results. Can anyone tell me why I am thinking and doing these things?

[signedin2008]

Are you Korean? Is your first love also Korean?

 

You are very vague about your contact with your first love. Are you emailing each other constantly/regularly? Is she married?

 

Honestly, I think what you have in your mind is just a fantasy of the past and not a reality.

[PandorasBox]

Wow I'm sorry you're so unhappy, and that you called your son a jackass.

 

Have you considered some individual counseling? Alot of the things you seem to be unhappy about are things YOU can fix. Not your wife or your son, but YOU. If you are that miserable and see no hope for your marriage to get better, end your marriage.

[EnigmasMuse]

Do you think maybe your wife knows how you feel about this first love?

 

Maybe she knows or senses too, how you feel about her, and that she feels she can never measure up to your first love.

 

I think you have alot of resentment and unresolved anger that needs to be delt with. Even if you stay in your marriage or not, you still need to fix yourself before anything else.

[BKLovesWho]

Are you Korean? Is your first love also Korean?

 

You are very vague about your contact with your first love. Are you emailing each other constantly/regularly? Is she married?

 

Honestly, I think what you have in your mind is just a fantasy of the past and not a reality.

 

I am not korean I'm italian.

 

I remember every word she ever said. I remember the night everything went wrong. We were at a party. We were sitting close holding hands staring into each others eyes. The she came really close to my face and still staring into my eyes. That is when my sister interuppeted us. She yell Hey Barbara parties are for meeting people. My sister knew we were together and she was dating or should I say now that i know more using this guy. At the time I thought what the hell are you doing? Barbara came close and hung on me as if she was being attacked by my sister. I have thought about this over the years and wondered if my sister was just being evil or didn't want the guy she was seeing to get any ideas. I told my sister we were together and barbara smiled this huge smile when I said that. I was only 23 and I guess I was confused to what was going on I've always was on my best behavior with this girl. She made me want to be a gentelman. My brain never did quite work when I was near her. Once we sat back down she asked if I had writter BK Loves ? on the music room door and I paniced and said I don't know. She then asked if she should stay in Philly or join the Air Force? I thought she wanted to leave me I guess I intentionally made one plus one make three. I didn't want to loose her but I didn't want her to be polluted by the same experiances I had in the Air Force. I saw her as an angel pure and innocent not as a human being. I wanted time to get to know the real person. she ask me two more weird questions the first was Is the Mafia in (my home town) I asked her who told her that and she said her father. I realized her father didn't like me ethnic back ground and that was probably why we had so much trouble when we were in school. I told her know why would anyone thing that?! The next thing she said was I called my best girl friend and asked guess who I'm going out with? She told me her girlfriend said me. She accused me of being in cahoots with her girlfriend. All I could say was What? I can't beleive you think that. The topper after that is that she crossed her arms and said why do guys like Leigh Ann? I said I don't know I don't care about leigh Ann I love you! She just ignored what I said completely. I was devestated dejected and took her home. The next morning, I called and asked her if we could go out tonight and she said yes. I told her where we were going and to dress up. I took her out to the best resturaunt in town. It was very elegent (black tie and tails for men, an actual evening dress for the woman). I wanted to make up for the stupidity of the night before fix things before I had to leave the following day. The entire night she didn't say anything to me at all so I thought I had lost her completely. At the end of the evening all I could do is look into her eyes bow and kiss the back of her hand. Three days later I received a letter from her with the first line asking if I was looking to get married. When I read that I freaked out and lied saying I was too young to get married. What I should have said was that I loved her with all my heart, mind and soul but that I just needed time to get to know the real you. Well since I didn't she didn't respond. I called her home to fix my mistake and her father answered and said she doesn't live here and don't call back. I sent her a letter to her house telling her I was a total jerk and how much I loved her and that I didn't want to loose her that I wanted us to be together forever. I waited two weeks and when I didn't get a reply I went to Philly where she was attending college to find her and tell her these things face to face. The college wouldn't giive me her address. I never thought of asking for her address or phone number. Something in me just snapped so I left the country to go to war. I'd rather be dead than live without her.

 

Unfortunately I survived battle and after coming back to the states I typed her name into google and to my schock and surprise her name popped up. It took me almost a year to get the nerve to email her. She emailed me back saying nice of you to look me up, what have you been doing? Again even in electronic medium she caused me to revert to a too shy man. I told her I retire and that I'm working as an engineer for a company in Alabama. Her reply started when we ended our relationship. This really freaked me out. She never said she was married just that she had one child. That she stayed in the city I told her to and how many years she was working.

 

When I read she had a child I felt my heart break for the third time. I thought I didn't have any feelings for this woman anymore. I actually volunteered for a one of our compay's six month slots in Iraq. My wife was pissed off I did this and I told her well too bad I'm going. I must be self destructive because have the luck of the Irish to kep surviving in battle.

 

I am starting to beleive God is punishing me for some reason. I wish I could bring some meaning to my life. I don't want to end up miserable or make my wife and kids life miserable because of these feelings. Even though my wife and I don't have feelings for each other neither my wife, my kids or me for that matter should suffer because of this situation.

 

Any ideas why this is happenng or advice how to turn these feelings off? I am 49 years old. Is this some type of male menapause chemical imbalance? Confused and Clueless..............

[Walking away]

You seem to be living out a teenage fantasy.

 

You are yearning for that "perfect" love. It doesn't exist.

 

I know someone who was in the same boat as you. He was almost obsessive about his "true love..."

 

He met a wonderful woman and his fantasy of his teenage love disappeared.

 

But for twenty two years, he was obsessed about that high school sweetheart.

 

It was sad, really.

 

But, he snapped out of it and realized he was in love with a fantasy. It was never reality at all.

 

(And, BTW, that high school sweetheart fed into the fantasy for a bit when he found her on-line a few years ago and they started an affair....)

 

The ONLY thing that stopped the fantasy was the entrance of a real, wonderful woman.

 

He is still with the new gal and wants to marry this new love. AND, he freely admits that he was emotionally "off" for fantasizing about a dream for so many years. It was cruel and unfair to the women he met in those years....and he sees that now.

 

I suggest counseling. You are obsessing about a dream.

[In the Light]

I made the mistake that you have made and are making...take some advice from a man that wasted much time doing the same thing you have done. Let it go. End the fantasy completely...mind, heart and soul.

 

Your wife may or may not be the right person for you, but you will not be able to clearly see that while you are holding on to a ghost from the past. Do yourself, your wife or any other woman you may get into a relationship with in the future a huge favor and let the feelings and thoughts you have for this past relationship die.

 

I never would have found the love of my life if I had continued to cling to the fantasy of my youth. My love is the most beautiful and incredible woman I have ever known. She is in my thoughts every moment and I love her more every second that passes by. I could have missed out on the most wonderful thing to happen in my life if I hadn't let the fantasy die.

[BKLovesWho]

You seem to be living out a teenage fantasy.

 

You are yearning for that "perfect" love. It doesn't exist.

 

I know someone who was in the same boat as you. He was almost obsessive about his "true love..."

 

He met a wonderful woman and his fantasy of his teenage love disappeared.

 

But for twenty two years, he was obsessed about that high school sweetheart.

 

It was sad, really.

 

But, he snapped out of it and realized he was in love with a fantasy. It was never reality at all.

 

(And, BTW, that high school sweetheart fed into the fantasy for a bit when he found her on-line a few years ago and they started an affair....)

 

The ONLY thing that stopped the fantasy was the entrance of a real, wonderful woman.

 

He is still with the new gal and wants to marry this new love. AND, he freely admits that he was emotionally "off" for fantasizing about a dream for so many years. It was cruel and unfair to the women he met in those years....and he sees that now.

 

I suggest counseling. You are obsessing about a dream.

 

She had finished her masters and I just complete eight years in the service when this happened. Before getting back with her I had dated and partied alot. I have to admit I married my because I didn't love her. I may seem cruel but you can't get your heart broken by someone you don't love. It's almost like marraiges up to the 1930s, marry because its something your suppose to do.

[Walking away]

Ok, I understand.

 

But, if you don't love your wife, you need to let her go so she can find the love she deserves.

 

As for the childhood love that you are dreaming of....

 

Could it be that you are fantasizing about that dream relationship because it was untouched by reality and the day to day living that ALL real relationships are tested with?

[quankanne]

I think that for whatever reason, you're miserable, you're blaming your wife instead of trying to make the relationship work OR leave it, and you're clinging to this ideal image you have of some chick who is nowhere NEAR what you've built her up to be.

 

not ragging on you here, because I think all of us are guilty to it of some degree, especially when we start believing that our SO's or spouses aren't fulfilling our needs the way we feel they should, and we're just too stubborn to point them in the right direction by telling them. It just doesn't work when you focus on that instead of on the positive that you have.

 

as for your wife preferring the kids to you ... ever think that maybe she's buried herself in them because she realizes you are not capable of loving or caring for her? She might not know specifics, but I'm sure she realizes that she's a poor substitute for some other chick you keep fantasizing over and choosing instead of focusing on what you have with her. At least with the kids, the love comes back at her.

 

frankly, you need to get your butt to a counselor and figure out what you want out of life. If it's this other woman (and be advised that the real person will pale in comparison with the fantasy you've woven of her), then for pete's sake, give your wife the opportunity to find someone who can love her, instead of making the both of you miserable. Because even if YOU don't want to be with her, she still deserves a real shot at happiness with someone else. You're only wasting her time by dragging her along for the ride in your misery mobile because you're hung up on some fantasy of a woman you knew before. And that's not fair to EITHER of you.

 

so, to channel Gunny for a moment, GET YER AZZ OFF THE FENCE AND CHOSE WHAT DIRECTION YOU WANT TO TAKE. BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T YER JUST GONNA KEEP MAKING EVERYONE MISERABLE FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL!!

[soserious1]

You aren't married because you're "stupid""you are married because your poor wife chose quite poorly. If I were you I'd show her this thread so that she can see very clearly the error of her choice and seek to correct things before she wastes another year of her life with you.

[ladyintights]

Sorry but I still dont get it why you both married in the first place. She got rid of the child and you still married? I guess you were asking for it. I think it says a lot that she aborted in the first place, she wasnt sure about marrying you or loving you either! If she was, that would be the furthest from her mind and she would have pushed for marriage.

This first love is just a fantasy! Honestly, like everyone else has said you are obsessed with a dream! I can understand though since those strong feelings have been absent for over 20 years! Ever think about divorce?? It sounds long overdue!

[BKLovesWho]

Sorry but I still dont get it why you both married in the first place. She got rid of the child and you still married? I guess you were asking for it. I think it says a lot that she aborted in the first place, she wasnt sure about marrying you or loving you either! If she was, that would be the furthest from her mind and she would have pushed for marriage.

This first love is just a fantasy! Honestly, like everyone else has said you are obsessed with a dream! I can understand though since those strong feelings have been absent for over 20 years! Ever think about divorce?? It sounds long overdue!

 

I guess I didn't make myself clear enough. I didn't commit to Barbara because I wanted to get to know the real woman not the girl in my head. I mrried my wife because I felt obligated. Truely I wasn't going make a commitment to a relationship based upon ultimatums (you can pick door number one "a future with me" or door number two "a future with out me") choose now. She always was complaining about how this girl or that girl had someone special. I beleive in my heart though she was everything I wanted physically; but, she was spoiled and used to getting her way. When I didn't give her what she wanted right then and now she shut down completely and sulked.

 

You know talking this out is helping alot. It gives me time to reflect on other view points. Coulda, woulda shouldas aren't me. I just wanted to know if other guys had this experiance. I still don't love my wife and probably never will. I know that appears heartless; but I also don't have it in me to actively cause emotional pain. One thing I don't understand though is the mantra about fantesy. I've never fantisied about this woman I just want her out of my head and heart!!!!!!

[Walking away]

You are holding ON to a fantasy.

 

And that is why she is still in your head.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't think any of you would suffer with a divorce. You may all end up much happier as a result.

[Ronni_W]

I've been locked into a marriage for the past twenty years... I never belived that I was in love with her at all; I was on the rebound ... Needless to say I have been in a marriage with a women who is scarely seems to acknowledge love.

Your wife has been locked in the VERY SAME (awful, loveless) marriage that you have. And you were right that the highlighted piece was "needless to say" -- what "love" is/was there for your wife to acknowledge???

What role OTHER THAN mother and financial contributor did you facilitate for her? YOU turned her into an "obligation" instead of a loving and beloved wife. YOU used her to protect yourself from memories of your "one true love". That wasn't stupid, it was self-centred and short-sighted.

 

I agree with LB...there is an excellent chance that you'll all feel much happier after a divorce, including your clueless, "jackass" son.

As someone said, your wife deserves to be liberated from the prison that is your marriage. But it will also serve your self-interest...you'd be free to pursue your Soulmate to your heart's content, and perhaps even have your fairy-tale ending.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with a number of members about the state of your marriage. In order to get love, you have to be able to give love. I feel for your wife. Even more, I feel for your son and your other child(ren). It must be complete hell to have an emotionally and physically absentee father. Do you wonder why your wife has compensated with the children?

[Walking away]

I agree with the other posters.

 

I feel sorry for your wife. It would be sheer hell to be "second" in your head and heart if she does, in fact, sense your obsession with your first love.

 

Let her go. She deserves someone who will love her and only her without competing with a ghost.

 

And, BTW, what you feel for that young crush is NOT love. It is obsession IMHO.

 

WA