Broken up - Pain is unbearable

[wayfaerer1]

Well, we talked earlier today.

 

I told her she was leading me on by saying she needed space to figure herself out, but that I shouldn't rule out the possibility of us being together again.

 

She agreed she was leading me on, and decided that it was the best thing if we just break up, for real, the end, it's over.

 

She said she's just attracted to other guys at the moment, and she doesn't know if they have what I have.

 

So I think giving me a straight answer, although it hurts a lot, was for the best.

 

I don't know if we'll have another chance again, but right now all I know is that I just lost my best friend, my love, my life...my world...

 

And knowing that right now she doesn't feel the way I do about her, hurts so bad I almost can't stand to be breathing.

 

I don't know how I'm going to recover from this...We spent almost 4 years together.

 

I finally just breakdown not too long ago and let it out of my system, but I know there's more to come.

 

I don't what I'm going to do...

[sid3]

The first thing you need to do is nothing. Don't keep talking to her, pursuing etc. It will only push her away. Your not alone, there are plenty of people here that have been and still are in the exact same situation your in right now. There is nothing anyone can say, nothing you can read that will numb the pain. All you can do is let it out and go into survival mode. Four years is a long time. Having me tell you it's better that it happens now rather than after eight years surely won't help you much, it is just a way to try and put things in a better perspective. I know the pain you're going through, most of us here do. We are somehow making it through, you will too! Hang in there. Yeah it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.....

[Gere51]

I realize that nothing anyone can say will take away the pain, but from personal experience try to distance yourself as much as possible, and whatever you do, do not contact or respond to your ex, as it will only make the pain "linger" and slow the healing process. This is not going to be easy, but it seems that your ex does not respect the relationship enough to try and work things out, instead, it seems that she may believe that "the grass is greener". The reality is that the vast majority of time exes do not get back together, since trust is all but destroyed. I'm not saying it can't happen, but you'll be better off giving yourself some respect and not letting her dictate terms of the relationship. When you respect yourself, positive things begin to happen and you'll get through it. Keep yourself busy, get rid of everything that reminds you of her, and stick to No Contact. It'll take a while but you'll get through this.

[watermeloncandy]

((hugs))

breaking up with someone you are still in love with is a horribly hard thing. i'm going through it right now. we both still love each other.

i don't know what advice i can offer other than it'll take time to heal.

cry as much as you want. it's normal and part of the healing process, i think.

it's a terrible rollercoaster ride that you are going to be on. but a lot of us are going to be sitting right next to you, as we are going through it as well.

i just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

it just plain hurts....

[sedgwick]

The first month or so after a breakup is a living hell, to be sure. The only thing I can tell you is that it does get better, even if that happens very slowly. Right now you have free reign to eat whatever you want, stay in your pajamas all day, and cry as much as you need to. If it helps any at all, my breakup was 15 months ago, and though it still hurts, it doesn't hurt like it did the first few weeks. That was the worst pain I've ever been through. But you, too, will come out of it.

[wayfaerer1]

Thanks guys.

 

That's really it, she thinks she can possibly find "greener pastures".

 

And I finally had to just tell her to give me a straight answer instead of leading me on, so we decided to just end it all.

 

It's for the better, but I know the next few weeks are going to be a living hell.

 

God damn I hate this feeling - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

Maybe one day she'll look back and regret letting go of what we had, maybe not - only time will tell.

[lonelygurl]

I'm sorry for how much pain you are in. I can relate to that pain. I don't know if it every goes away. Mine didn't after almost six months and at that point my X wanted to get back together. I did and now I think we are headed for me breaking up with him this time.

You are really best to have no contact. My partner and I during the first break up went back and forth for over two months, but I then realized it was only until he found what he felt was a replacement. Boy was that a stab in the heart.

I still cry when I listen to Sheryl Crow The First Cut is the deepest, because it truly is. I also love listening to Lenny Kraviz's Yesterday is Gone. He wrote that song for a good friend who had been dumped by her boyfriend and felt like she couldn't go on.

[Sugatree]

 

I told her she was leading me on by saying she needed space to figure herself out, but that I shouldn't rule out the possibility of us being together again.

 

 

I HATE when they say stuff like I need space to figure myself but we can be together maybe in the future. my ex told me he wants to be sure he wants to marry me and spend his life with me and he's not sure so only want to be friends for now but i shouldnt think that its the end he just want to figure out things and see if im the one he wants to spend his life with , its a hard decision

 

OMG what do they think that WE should wait around for them like they irreplaceable. That they doing us a favor if they decide they want to come back, Im sorrry I told my bf of 4 years to fnck off! After that I broke down and cried, its been two days NC and thats because i told him not to call me and to leave me alone.

 

 

Although i love him and he was my best friend i do believe that new and better relationships can be formed!

[sedgwick]

I still cry when I listen to Sheryl Crow The First Cut is the deepest, because it truly is.

 

I cry when I listen to Sheryl Crow because it pains my ears.

[wayfaerer1]

The worst part about this, is that I can't seem to shake the feeling that, "maybe someday in the future we'll talk again and realize this time apart made us stronger individuals and lets give it another shot."

 

Thinking that is just eating me up.

 

Maybe some people just need to be selfish first in order to appreciate a person who treats them so well.

 

We've dated all through college, long distance, but we always made it work - we would see each other every 2 weeks, maybe 3 weeks at the most, spend the whole weekend together, sometimes more than that. Then in the summers, we were both home and near each other and saw a lot of each other.

 

She's now a senior in college, her last year before grad school, and I think she feels like if she doesn't allow herself to be free and explore now, then she'll never have that chance again, because it is college after all.

 

We've talked since last week when we broke up, she doesn't seem annoyed at all, so I know she still values me as a friend.

 

She agreed that she would tell me if and when she figured out things, but said that it's not something that will take a week, or two, possibly could take months, doesn't know, but getting back together is certainly not out of the question.

 

Right now though, she's in her own world, but I suppose because I've broke "no contact" over the last week, that she hasn't had the experience of me really not being available to talk.

 

I think if I finally grow some balls and stop calling, that maybe she'll wonder in a week or so how I'm doing.

 

I know she doesn't hate me and still values my friendship, but I just don't know how this is going to play out?

 

So far, she doesn't seem to be bothered by our seperation, well, because its what she wanted.

 

But like I said, I haven't given her true space.

 

This is so hard because the only thing that numbs the pain is the hope that one day she'll figure out that a relationship with me has more benefits than being single.

 

As much as I don't want to think that, I can't help it...

 

I guess I just need to suck it up, stay active, try new things myself, and let her call me when she feels like she'd like to catch up.

 

I suppose that because she still wants to remain good friends, that may be a good thing.

 

But if I keep talking to her I'm afraid I'll never be able to heal.

 

If only I had someone to lay next to at night...just for comfort...

[foxh1234]

The worst part about this, is that I can't seem to shake the feeling that, "maybe someday in the future we'll talk again and realize this time apart made us stronger individuals and lets give it another shot."

 

Thinking that is just eating me up.

 

Maybe some people just need to be selfish first in order to appreciate a person who treats them so well.

 

We've dated all through college, long distance, but we always made it work - we would see each other every 2 weeks, maybe 3 weeks at the most, spend the whole weekend together, sometimes more than that. Then in the summers, we were both home and near each other and saw a lot of each other.

 

She's now a senior in college, her last year before grad school, and I think she feels like if she doesn't allow herself to be free and explore now, then she'll never have that chance again, because it is college after all.

 

We've talked since last week when we broke up, she doesn't seem annoyed at all, so I know she still values me as a friend.

 

She agreed that she would tell me if and when she figured out things, but said that it's not something that will take a week, or two, possibly could take months, doesn't know, but getting back together is certainly not out of the question.

 

Right now though, she's in her own world, but I suppose because I've broke "no contact" over the last week, that she hasn't had the experience of me really not being available to talk.

 

I think if I finally grow some balls and stop calling, that maybe she'll wonder in a week or so how I'm doing.

 

I know she doesn't hate me and still values my friendship, but I just don't know how this is going to play out?

 

So far, she doesn't seem to be bothered by our seperation, well, because its what she wanted.

 

But like I said, I haven't given her true space.

 

This is so hard because the only thing that numbs the pain is the hope that one day she'll figure out that a relationship with me has more benefits than being single.

 

As much as I don't want to think that, I can't help it...

 

I guess I just need to suck it up, stay active, try new things myself, and let her call me when she feels like she'd like to catch up.

 

I suppose that because she still wants to remain good friends, that may be a good thing.

 

But if I keep talking to her I'm afraid I'll never be able to heal.

 

If only I had someone to lay next to at night...just for comfort...

 

Her wanting to remain friends is not good. She is keeping you on a string as her back up plan. Cut off contact and let her miss you. You are making it so much easier for her to move on and date other guys by staying in the picture. She knows she can take you out and play with you whenever she wants and then dump you when an interesting guy comes along. If you allow this you are being her doormat. Have some self respect and disappear from her life. She will notice and you will be missed. You are doing the exact opposite of what you should do.

[ahhhchooo]

Yeah, if she really wants it to happen again she knows where to find you. If/when she really wants you again, you'll know it. Distance yourself from her or you're just going to put yourself through more pain. Trust me, been there. You'll gain clarity from the longer you don't contact her, as long as you're not moping around hoping she will contact you.

 

Read the NC thread and get busy

[wayfaerer1]

So, if and when she calls later this week, should I ignore it or should I answer it and still remain friendly?

 

I'm trying my best to forget her, but it's almost like I can't accept defeat.

 

But I know the only way to fight it is to really let her know that I'm just not around anymore.

[wayfaerer1]

I still feel like I'm waiting around.

 

It's so hard to try and move on.

[wayfaerer1]

She sent me an IM this morning on AIM, just acknowleding my away message. I had put up an away message about my kitten doing something funny. She must have looked at it this morning when she woke up and replied, "Haha! oh kitty..."

 

Not that it means anything towards me, but it seems she still cares enough to "check" my away messages.

 

I think after today, I'm going go stay off AIM completely for a while. That way she'll really have no idea what I'm doing or how I'm doing.

 

Then I guess I'll just have to give it time.

 

This really hurts, because still part of me thinks that we'll talk again one day about us being together again possiblity, but the other half of me thinks that this could really be it forever.

 

And right now, those two conflicting thoughts are driving me crazy, and as much as I want to try and move on, I feel like I'm still playing this waiting game.

[wayfaerer1]

I'm afraid the longer I go without talking to her, the more she'll start to forget about me.

 

It's been 2 days since we last talked, only this time I'm going to try and avoid talking to her for the rest of the week.

 

What a crappy feeling. I need to move on, but this all only happened a week ago, and I still can't accept the fact that it's over.

 

I asked her if we could talk again someday about us getting back together, and she agreed, but said that she doesn't want to put a time stamp on it. In other words, if it happens then it happens.

 

Her saying that is like a little piece of hope that I cannot seem to let go of.

 

How the hell can I move on? This is so frustrating.

[northstar1]

I'm afraid the longer I go without talking to her, the more she'll start to forget about me.

 

It's been 2 days since we last talked, only this time I'm going to try and avoid talking to her for the rest of the week.

 

What a crappy feeling. I need to move on, but this all only happened a week ago, and I still can't accept the fact that it's over.

 

I asked her if we could talk again someday about us getting back together, and she agreed, but said that she doesn't want to put a time stamp on it. In other words, if it happens then it happens.

 

Her saying that is like a little piece of hope that I cannot seem to let go of.

 

How the hell can I move on? This is so frustrating.

 

"We pursue those things which move away from us" - Tao of Steve

 

It seems counter-intuitive, but the less you contact her the better. The more you reach out (esp. if you come across as needy or emotional), the more she will retreat.

 

She is giving you crumbs by saying you can "talk about getting back together" one day - she has no clue what she wants, but she wants you to still be available at some level if she does want to come back.

 

As hard as it is, right now, you need to leave her alone. Let her see what it is like w/o you in her life. If she misses you and gets in touch and wants to talk, then deal with it then. If she doesn't , then you'll be moving on anyways.

 

Listen, she's not going to 'forget' about you if you don't contact her for 2 days, or a week, or even a month. It may give her something to think about - as well as keeping your pride intact.

 

Good luck man, we've all been there.

[Karma101]

Hey wayfaerer1...What about that great advice you gave me earlier today?!? We are soooooo in the same boat. My XBF and I were still a couple a week ago today, and by Friday...Poof. Gone. I didn't even see it coming.

 

I must have composed 10 text messages to him today. Thankfully I didn't send any of them. I think he is somewhat expecting to hear from me. Although it won't change my situation, I think NC from me will make him wonder. I'm sure the same could be said in your situation. I know before this relationship, I dated quite a bit and would totally take for granted the men who constantly kept in constant contact w/ me. I wouldn't answer their text messages/calls right away, sometimes not at all. Because I knew they were right there...available. And then, when they all of a sudden seemed to disappear, I would initiate contact again. Heck, I did it to my XBF constantly before we got serious. It would drive him crazy. Boy how the tables have changed! LOL.

 

What is that Ed Hardy saying on all the t-shirts and bathing suits today..."Love Kills Slowly."

[wayfaerer1]

I suppose everyone is different.

 

It could be a couple more weeks before she realizes what she's been missing.

 

It could be months, or even years. I could be never.

 

That unknown is driving me mad.

[Gere51]

I know this is hard, but cut off all contact with her, delete her number and any messages you may have, do not respond to any texts or emails that she may send. When a woman leaves a relationship, it's usually for one of two reasons; either she has lost her attraction for you (not necessarily physically), or she's bluffing a breakup in order to get what she wants, which does not seem to be the case in this situation. It sounds as if she is looking for the "bigger, better deal", which means she believes she can do better than you. Don't give her the privilege of your friendship, she doesn't deserve it, at least not now. By being her friend she will be able to alleviate her guilt and leave the relationship feeling better about herself. By you initiating No Contact, she will begin to realize that she can't take you for granted any longer, and that you are emotionally stronger than she thinks. Totally disappear for at least 30 days, then take a look at yourself and see how much you've grown as a person. You may decide you do not want her back, but remember, absolutely NO CONTACT of any kind, else you'll be back where you started. Hope this helps.

[wayfaerer1]

You're right - as hard as it is to not respond, she doesn't deserve my friendship.

 

She sent me a message earlier today, on facebook. I had put some new pictures up.

 

She posted on my wall, "By the way, I love the pictures, especially the one with you and your bro...Hope you have a good week at work!"

 

I didn't respond, as much as I wanted to.

 

But that's the second message I've gotten in two days. She sent me one on AIM yesterday morning, and now this one.

 

I really don't understand what this means, but I'm not going to respond, at least not until she calls, if she even does.

[Gere51]

Stay strong; don't even take her calls for at least a month. That way, she'll start to realize what's she's missing. I learned a hard lesson about the "friends" thing myself. the first six weeks of my breakup were really difficult for me and to compound matters my ex would call or text just enough to see if I would respond to her. I finally figured it out after about a month when she would text a couple of times then disappear for a week or two. If you continue to talk to her, you'll start to find out things you don't want to know. My ex started telling me about other guys she had been meeting and you sure don't want that. Make a statement and show her who is the stronger person, no matter how hard it is. You can do it, it's all mental.

[wayfaerer1]

I think I can do it - I mean, we talked about still being friends, so I suppose she still thinks that.

 

But how can I be friends with her after all this? She's not giving me what I want, so why should I give her what she wants.

 

My guess is that she feels really guilty about what happened, and is just trying to remain friendly so she doesn't have to feel bad.

 

I'm not going to give her that.

 

It hurts because I want to talk with her, but you're right, I don't need to know crap about her life now, I need to worry about my own life.

 

If she wants me back, then she knows how to reach me.

 

Again, it's only been a week and a half, and it's been two days since we last talked.

 

This needs more time.

[wayfaerer1]

I don't know - Should I be the better man and respond to her messages? Or should I let her suffer for a bit first?

[holly86]

I'm in THE SAME exact boat. My ex and I have been broken up for a whole entire month! Yes, some people might say it's not that long but it felt like an eternity to me! I am still not over him. Actually, the last few days have been so terrible that I can't even really sleep well. I haven't had any kind of contact with him in bout 2.5 weeks. Last time I 'talked' to him was when I sent him a txt message after I got back from visiting my family. He wanted to know if I got back home ok and all I said was 'Yes I did. Thanks'. I just want to know why they act like they don't care? I think I'd actually feel better if he would txt or even call me or if one of his friends told me that he is in fact still thinking about me. At least it will show me that he still cares! It's hard to let go but I know i HAVE to. As much as I would just rather forget about him, I still can't. To be honest with you...I am lost again. I've had my ups and downs during the break up but every day something inside of me keeps telling me that he will soon contact me! Is it just me telling this to myself? I know I keep holding on to NOTHING! He is like a shadow that follows me everywhere! Everything and every place in this town reminds me of him! I can't date other people because of the guilt feeling I have. I can't really 100% have fun without thinking about him! This sux so bad! So trust me I know exactly how you feel right now! Wish there was a medicine I could take to erase the past year!