smile711 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 If you haven't read my previous threads, the MM I was seeing moved in with me for 4 months and then up and left to go back home out of the blue a few weeks ago. That was the second time that he has left and gone back. More (ugly) details are in my other threads. Anyways, I guess I got some sort of closure after 14 days of NC. I was constantly wondering what I would do if he called or showed back up. Finally a mutual friend decided it was best for my healing to come clean. Apparently he's been telling people at his job that he knows he made the right decision to go back and that he will never leave his wife again and that he will spend the rest of his life making up for what he has done to her (I don't know if she knows about the other 10 affairs he had before me, or if she just knows about me). Everyone at work seems to feel like he is happy and committed to his decision. I guess I have mixed feelings about everything. I'm glad I have the info because I feel it will help me to move on faster because I'm not wondering so much. On the other hand, I was hoping he was miserable, not necessarily because I wanted him back but because I wanted his life to be hell-he deserves nothing better than that right now. His wife, his family, and her family know that he was having an A for 2 and 1/2 years and shacking up with a 28 year old girl (he's 20 years older) when he told them he was living with friends. My hope was that they would make him pay for that and he would feel some of the pain that he has inflicted on others. I guess my question for everyone is-do you at least think that his wife and others are giving him a little bit of a tough time? He doesn't deserve to come back home and have everything be fine and dandy and it would do me good to think that he's being put through the ringer!
noforgiveness Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 So what about you? What do you feel you deserve? A young 28 year old knowingly shacking up with a married man twenty years older than her? What are you deserving of since you feel he deserves nothing better than his life to be hell?
Author smile711 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 I'm not sure if you meant to sound as rude as you did, noforgiveness, but maybe I should clue you in to the fact that the MM lied to me and pretended to be going through the separation/divorce process and NEVER WAS. His family turned their backs on him and I gave him a place to stay because I was under the impression he had no where else to go. I have asked for forgiveness from everyone who matters to me...I have come to terms with what I have done...I am not attempting to contact him in an way. I did the things I did because I was lied to and led on and used by him. I am a better person now. I deserve good things in life. He, for the time being at least, does not. I suffer everyday with guilt, remorse, rejection, embarrassment, anger, betrayal-and I feel it would be extremely appropriate if he suffered for awhile, too. You can't treat people like sh*t and expect that you will get off scott free, and I think that's what he expects.
signedin2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 His family turned their backs on him and I gave him a place to stay because I was under the impression he had no where else to go. I am sure your motive was totally pure without any selfish reason behind it. While you're at it, why don't you go under some bridge and take some homeless men home with you? At least some of them are not married.
Author smile711 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Was I happy that he was with me? Absolutely! I won't deny that. I guess I was wrong about this site. I was under the impression that it was for support for those of us who have made mistakes (and we all have) to get advice and clarity. Up until today, I felt like I was getting good feedback. Then today, when my healing is going through a rough time and I turn to this site, I get sarcasm. I have never said that anything I did was right or moral or done with the best judgement. But that bell has already been rung and I cannot change that. The only thing I can do now is to move on and do better for myself and make better choices. Maybe this site is not the place for me.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 He doesn't deserve to come back home and have everything be fine and dandy and it would do me good to think that he's being put through the ringer![/quote] Karma - what goes around comes around! Im sure his W will not make it THAT easy for him. Even if she chooses to work on the M fate will get him back in other ways for what he has put everyone through. He will have to always live with the guilt, but you say he had 10 affairs prior to the R with you? In that case he has no morals anyway, he is a serial cheater & has no shame.
Author smile711 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 heartbroken, thank you. Your kind words are helping me through a difficult day! I hope things are going well for you.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 heartbroken, thank you. Your kind words are helping me through a difficult day! I hope things are going well for you. Hey sorry you feel low today. I understand how it feels - my situation aint been easy either. {{{{HUGS}}}} I dont know why there are people on the OW/OM forum giving OW/OM a bashing?! After all it is what this particular forum is for - if people are going to be judgemental they shouldn't post... Being the OW/OM is NOT a walk in the park, why give advice thats meant to hurt when alot of us are in alot of pain already?
LadyDi Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Not knowing what the MM is like, I'm generalizing here...but yes, I'm sure he has times of being miserable. From what I understand things go from ok/good around the house to stressful and bad. And for a long time. Also from what I've read here, during one of the bad times, he'll probably try and contact you. Be strong! Good Luck!
noforgiveness Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Was I being any more judgmental than smile was being to her married man. When she was judging him and deciding he deserves to live in hell? Smile do you not think mm also has also suffered through guilt, remorse, rejection, embarrassment, anger etc etc. Do you not think he had to ask forgiveness of his wife, kids and extended family? Did you ask his wife kids and parents for forgiveness? Do you think they are wishing the same on you that you are wishing on him? I am not bashing you. I am trying to see how you sound by saying he deserves to live in hell. That is very mean and judgmental.
noforgiveness Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 your words I started an A with a married co worker 2 and 1/2 years ago when I was also married. At first, it was purely physical, but 7 or 8 months in, we both realized that we had deep feelings for each other. One of us should have walked away then, but we didn't. Sounds to me you knew exactly what you were doing and the status of his marriage so why is it you feel he should suffer in hell when you not only were married going into it but you knew he was married? Double standards?
aloneatnights Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 i think its normal to want the other person to feel pain as you do. this will pass, i promise you.i dont know..... think of it as a lucky escape and time for you and what you want to do. its hard to let go, especially when they tell you the things you want or need to hear. it sucks being rejected but you will get past this. 10 affairs before you??? you are so best out of this no matter how much it hurts xx
bentnotbroken Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Hey sorry you feel low today. I understand how it feels - my situation aint been easy either. {{{{HUGS}}}} I dont know why there are people on the OW/OM forum giving OW/OM a bashing?! After all it is what this particular forum is for - if people are going to be judgemental they shouldn't post... Being the OW/OM is NOT a walk in the park, why give advice thats meant to hurt when alot of us are in alot of pain already? Isn't that what she was doing? Judging the MM and wanting him punished. Be careful the ax you weild could also cut you.
bentnotbroken Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 If you haven't read my previous threads, the MM I was seeing moved in with me for 4 months and then up and left to go back home out of the blue a few weeks ago. That was the second time that he has left and gone back. More (ugly) details are in my other threads. Anyways, I guess I got some sort of closure after 14 days of NC. I was constantly wondering what I would do if he called or showed back up. Finally a mutual friend decided it was best for my healing to come clean. Apparently he's been telling people at his job that he knows he made the right decision to go back and that he will never leave his wife again and that he will spend the rest of his life making up for what he has done to her (I don't know if she knows about the other 10 affairs he had before me, or if she just knows about me). Everyone at work seems to feel like he is happy and committed to his decision. I guess I have mixed feelings about everything. I'm glad I have the info because I feel it will help me to move on faster because I'm not wondering so much. On the other hand, I was hoping he was miserable, not necessarily because I wanted him back but because I wanted his life to be hell-he deserves nothing better than that right now. His wife, his family, and her family know that he was having an A for 2 and 1/2 years and shacking up with a 28 year old girl (he's 20 years older) when he told them he was living with friends. My hope was that they would make him pay for that and he would feel some of the pain that he has inflicted on others. I guess my question for everyone is-do you at least think that his wife and others are giving him a little bit of a tough time? He doesn't deserve to come back home and have everything be fine and dandy and it would do me good to think that he's being put through the ringer! You can only decide what he deserves, if his wife gets to decide what you both deserve. Doesn't see, like such a good idea now does it? He didn't have an A alone. How do you know he hasn't asked forgiveness for his actions and truly meant it( I doubt it)but how do you know?
Author smile711 Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 Actually, in response to everyone, I DID call his W. i gave her no details of anything-I simply apologized for what I did and for the pain that I caused her. I told her that I made a huge mistake and that she deserved better than that from me. He has no children or I would have wanted to apologize to them, too. My anger stems not from the fact that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. It stems from the fact that he lived with me for 4 months and told me he was in the midst of a divorce when he was not. It stems from the fact that he looked at places for us to live and talked about our wedding. It stems from the fact that he chose to meet my family and become involved with them, too. I NEVER asked him to do any of that. In addition, though I started the A while I was married, I soon got divorced. My marriage was actually as unhappy as he led me to believe his was and I got out. As for him asking for forgiveness, I don't know if he has. But I know (from him telling me) that he never regretted or felt sorry about the 10 affairs before me. So I guess I'm making a guess based on a pattern of behavior for 20 years. Hindsight is 20/20.
aloneatnights Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 i always said to MM i wanted him to be happy, with or without me. i meant it, i still do. i'm happy enough now without him but then i never had him apart from 20 odd years ago. i finished it with hard NC, went through angst and thoughts of revenge because i was hurting so badly but never acted on it, never intended to. and now today, i wish him well and i do sincerely hope he is happy. i wont know if he isnt, but its not my problem to dwell on it. i guess time will tell if i decide to wait around long enough for that knock on the door. at the moment i just want to get on with things and enjoy the small things
bentnotbroken Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Actually, in response to everyone, I DID call his W. i gave her no details of anything-I simply apologized for what I did and for the pain that I caused her. I told her that I made a huge mistake and that she deserved better than that from me. He has no children or I would have wanted to apologize to them, too. My anger stems not from the fact that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. It stems from the fact that he lived with me for 4 months and told me he was in the midst of a divorce when he was not. It stems from the fact that he looked at places for us to live and talked about our wedding. It stems from the fact that he chose to meet my family and become involved with them, too. I NEVER asked him to do any of that. In addition, though I started the A while I was married, I soon got divorced. My marriage was actually as unhappy as he led me to believe his was and I got out. As for him asking for forgiveness, I don't know if he has. But I know (from him telling me) that he never regretted or felt sorry about the 10 affairs before me. So I guess I'm making a guess based on a pattern of behavior for 20 years. Hindsight is 20/20. Indeed it is.
Author smile711 Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 I understand that it's not great of me to wish pain on another person. It's just hard not to do that when I am in such great pain myself. I am SO scared of my future and what it holds now that I don't have these plans to work on with him. I have never been alone before-I was married to my high-school sweetheart and then in this R with the MM. I know in my brain that he is not the right person for me-I see now that I overlooked many things about our R that made me uncomfortable because I thought I needed him so much. But my heart is so hurt and scared that it still wants contact with him. I'm sure that someday his happiness will be a good thing in my eyes. It's just that right now, I have this need for him to be hurting like I am and because of the NC, I don't know if he is. I probably will never know. I don't know that he will ever try to contact me again and once again, my brain knows that is a good thing but my heart panics at the thought. I am in counseling and I am very lucky to have a huge network of family and friends rallying around me so I'm doing my best. Words of encouragement from all of you help more than you know!
Lucky_One Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Curious - what made you think that the lies he told you were so different than the lies he told any of his other 10 lovers? Did you really trust him and believe that he would bind himself to you? Don't you think you deserve more than a guy like this?
ahsumgurl909 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 You should want nothing more then for him and his family to get back together and have peace and harmony. Whats a young girl like you is doing with a married man in the first place. At the age of 28 you know better then to get involved with someone whom is married. You are being selfish and show no care and concern for the other people involved. You probably hurt many people for your own selfish pleasure. That's just not right IMO. You should be kicking yourself in the butt and apologizing to him and his family for causing such grief. Hopefully you steer clear of other married men in the future. I know your probably hurting and you feel so betrayed but you did this to yourself dear. Leave him and his family alone and chalk it up as a lesson.
jj33 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Smile I think you know in your heart this is not a happy man. He came to you when he had nowhere else to go because his own family wouldnt give him a place to stay (or so he said who knows if its true). But true or not 10+ affairs is not the hallmark of a happy person. he may for whatever reason be trying to turn over a new leaf now and start anew in rebuilding his marriage but he is not and has not been happy. Is it possible that he and his W will repair the pain and destruction that has occured in their marriage? yes its possible. But it is not going to be easy. Its going to be a long hard road for both of them. hes not running back to the perfect leave it to beaver happy american family. There will be pain and anger and recriminations and guilt and lack of trust and all the other issues that surface after this kind of a betrayal. I can understand your desire for revenge. He has hurt you. But never doubt for a minute that his life is not easy now and is not going to be easy for some time. The only ease he may have is that he is (perhaps who knows with this guy) no longer leading a double life. And maybe he is really committing himself to making his marriage better. That would be a good thing. But its not going to be easy. hes got his own pain and the pain of his wife to deal with. Its unlikely you willl hear about that. It is a private pain.
Author smile711 Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 jj33, thanks again for your words. They were exactly what I needed to hear on what is turning out to be a very hard day. I guess when I hear that he is doing his job and seeming like everything is OK, I need to realize that he was always able to compartmentalize. You would never know at work if something was bothering him in his personal life because he often used work to escape from his personal life. In fact, the last time he did this (in March), he admitted that he was throwing himself into his job and spending extra time at work just to not have to deal with his personal issues at home. If he can at least put on a happy face no matter what, so can I! I think the best thing is as far as he knows, life continues on for me and I am doing OK. Living well might actually be the best revenge. It won't be easy, but wanting to call him and let him know how miserable I am will not change anything. After 15 days of NC, I understand that contacting him now would be a huge setback. I have read threads where people have broken NC only to feel ashamed or disappointed and then they have to start the process again. I DO NOT want to have to do that. Also, I have already "kicked myself in the butt" and apologized to his W. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times-I did what I did and I cannot change it now! I'm sorry, but beating myself up over it day in and day out is serving no purpose. I won't do that anymore.
jj33 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Thats a great attitude Smile. I know the feeling you want to email them because they can make it better. But he cant. And it wont change anything. You are 28 and have your whole life ahead of you. No secret children no double digits of affairs. You have a clean slate plus for better or worse this under your belt so you wont have to do that in the future... He has a whole lot of baggage. And a whole lot of muck to sort out. No matter how much pain you are in - he is in more and does not have the same freedom with which to shape a happy tomorrow.
Ariadne Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I was hoping he was miserable, not necessarily because I wanted him back but because I wanted his life to be hell ..........
GreenEyedLady Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 OP: Go and read at Surviving Infidelity. You will read about couples in Reconciliation. It is not easy. I understand your wanting him to hurt. I am sure it is in passing and due to your own hurt. If he was happily married, do you think he'd have 11 A's and leave twice? He has made his choice and now you are doing the work of moving on. As for everyone who said to call his W and kids and apologize, are you people for real?! It's not her business. It is between him and his W now. There's nothing she could say that would make anything better anyway. OP: Just keep moving forward. Learn the lesson you need to learn here.
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