Hurt and at lost!

[behappyalways]

I am new to this site. I have been reading some of the postings here and found some comfort that I am not alone. But still I find myself at lost and not at peace with my mind and heart.

 

Long story short, I'm a MW and have been having an affair with a MM for 2 and a half years now. This MM was the first man that I ever felt in love with. Both our spouses have found out about our affair numerous times. We tried to break up several times and each of us would get back again. I felt in love with this man from the beginning....it started out as an emotional affair then led to a physical affair. Since the last time our spouses found out about us, we have not seen and talked to each other for about two months. During that time, I went through an emotional turmoil and found myself withdrawn alot. I thought that that was the end of us. Then he contacted me again and I responded.....seen him 2 times and talked to him very briefly on the phone 3 or 4 times within 3 month period.

 

I have been thinking about ending this affair once and for all but couldn't find the courage to do so. I don't see what's the point of it all and I haven't discussed it with him. I don't know how I should tell him and at the same time stick to what I want to do. I want to work things out with my marriage and hopefully come out clean with a clear conscious mind. I am so tired of all the lies and disappointments of what an affair brought into my life. I know all these things happened because I have allowed them.

 

My husband and I have issues before the affair and even though I have tried to work things out with my husband before the affair, things didn't go no where and now we aren't the same anymore and our issues would still be unresolved. I am at lost and feel isolated and sad because I have no one to talk who could understand what I am going through.

 

Thank you for reading and any advice or comment is appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

Go complete NC (no contact) with your MM, say goodbye forever and get to marriage counselling with your husband. Together and apart, but make sure you both use the marriage counsellor.

 

Your marriage won't have a chance of working if the MM is still in your life. And that includes emails, text, whatever. He has to be GONE.

 

You tell your MM that you need to focus on yourself and your husband, that the affair is going nowhere (as it seems neither of you really want to leave your spouses and start a new life together) and has to end. No friendship, nothing can happen once you say goodbye to him.

[LakesideDream]

How long have you been married? Any kids? Those things are important.

 

You mentioned that you were hurt and confused.. That's understandable. You also state that your MM's family as well as your husband knows about the affiar. Again makes it difficult.

 

You also mentioned that you and your husband had "issues" before your affair, whatever issues means.

 

What you didn't mention was that your affair has done your husband and children (if any) and to your extended family, or to the MM's wife and family. Wern't those things important to you?

 

What were the reasons for you having the affair?

[behappyalways]

Go complete NC (no contact) with your MM, say goodbye forever and get to marriage counselling with your husband. Together and apart, but make sure you both use the marriage counsellor.

 

Your marriage won't have a chance of working if the MM is still in your life. And that includes emails, text, whatever. He has to be GONE.

 

You tell your MM that you need to focus on yourself and your husband, that the affair is going nowhere (as it seems neither of you really want to leave your spouses and start a new life together) and has to end. No friendship, nothing can happen once you say goodbye to him.

 

Thank you whichwayisup for your advices. I am definitely going to do what you suggested. I am in so much mess and haven't been able to function normally. I have put myself in this situation and now I need to save myself and others from all the pain and suffering that I have caused.

[behappyalways]

How long have you been married? Any kids? Those things are important.

 

Yes, I have been married for 10 years with two kids. MM has been married for 15 years with also 2 kids.

 

You mentioned that you were hurt and confused.. That's understandable. You also state that your MM's family as well as your husband knows about the affiar. Again makes it difficult.

 

Both our families know about the affair. I know I have caused his wife and family as well as mine alot of pain and suffering and there's no justification for my actions. This is one of the reasons why I want to stop this affair once and for all. I too have been hurt by all of this.....I have led my weaknesses and temptations took over me. I felt used and manipulated by MM.

 

 

You also mentioned that you and your husband had "issues" before your affair, whatever issues means.

 

 

We were having comunication and sexual problems (mainly his). I also felt that my husband wasn't giving me the attentions I needed and didn't really appreciate me for who I am and what I have done for us. I brought these concerns to him many times but each time, he would ignore or didn't want to accept that we have problems to work out. I suggested that we need to get professional help but he disregard the idea. After awhile, I didn't want to talk about it anymore and pretty much kept things to myself. I was so vulnerable and frustrated.

 

What you didn't mention was that your affair has done your husband and children (if any) and to your extended family, or to the MM's wife and family. Wern't those things important to you?

 

What were the reasons for you having the affair?

 

MM and I worked together in the same dept. For the first two year that I was there, nothing happenned between us. We were just co-workers. As time go by, I opened up to him a little more about my personal life (that was the mistake) and that's how it started. He and I opened up to each other. He voiced his problems and I voiced mine.