ovrtherainbow Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Well after 2 weeks of NC I broke it the other day. I was in such a deep depression, not able to function, so I decided to try soft NC. You know, its almost like a fix! I felt at ease after, and I felt a weight lift. I even thought about him less! We made an agreement to try to be friends. No sex! Of course, sex never was a huge part of our relationship for me anyway, so that would be somewhat easy. So far, its working ok. I did cave to sex the other night, and I actually didnt cry about it. It felt ok to me and I didnt have a rush of emotion like I thought I would. Progress! But, things are different with us. He has a job promotion where in December sometime he will be traveling between three states. Mine and his home state included. So, he will be home for maybe a month at a time instead of a week per month. I think he did that to appease his W, who has been telling him to move home ever since she found out about our A. I asked how that was going and he said better. I know it made each of them realize they were neglecting their M, and they are both trying harder to make it work. Damn! Thats the thing that is the hardest. I know I seem selfish and heartless saying that, but to know I am the cause of that stings a bit!! Has this ever happened to any of you?
phoenixrising Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 yes, and he actually told me that his marriage was better because of me. Felt like a slug in the gut... I think, also, that he learned more about what a woman wants because we talked about it a lot, over the course of him making his decision to go back to W or divorce. Bottom line, though it may not have been his intent, it feels as though he used me to learn about things that ultimately helped his marriage. Happy for him, but feel I hurt myself deeply in the process. I trusted him, and gave him a part of myself I've never given to anyone before, and will never get back. In return, he has a stronger marriage. It really, really hurts.
aloneatnights Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 i think that is what hurt me the most, i gave more to him than anyone i ever was with ex husband included and got nothing back. i'm jaded and cynical but a small part of me acknowledges the fact that i CAN love completely if i really wanted to. maybe it was him being not available made me more open. god knows what would have happened if he;d upped and left his wife. game playing? maybe i really have no answer to that. and yes, it hurts big time but not so much nowadays
NoIDidn't Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I don't think you are the cause of that at all. The A is the cause of them looking to better their marriage a bit. It could have been anyone. Its the turn of events that made them do it. Not the person in the middle.
signedin2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 So far, its working ok. I did cave to sex the other night, and I actually didnt cry about it. Are you going to continue cheat on your husband, be someone's mistress or are you going to stop? How about guilt? Any guilt what your'e doing to your husband and to your MM's wife?
Trimmer Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Well after 2 weeks of NC I broke it the other day. I was in such a deep depression, not able to function, so I decided to try soft NC. ... So far, its working ok. I did cave to sex the other night, and I actually didnt cry about it. It felt ok to me and I didnt have a rush of emotion like I thought I would. Progress! So NC = "no contact", and "soft NC" = "contact, with sex"? What does the N in "soft NC" stand for?
Lucky_One Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 You typically cry when you have sex with him? That sounds like a good, fun, healthy, fulfilling relationship.
jj33 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Its not unusual for As to cause couples to look deeply at what is going on and if they are lucky use it as a trigger to nurture the M. As much as it stings perhaps it will relieve any guilt that you have with respect to the A (tho you havent mentioned that). As hard as it is you need to stay away from him. Seeing him is appeasing your anxiety. But the appeasement of anxiety is not a relationship. He has made clear he is working on his marriage. There are only 2 in a marriage. I think you know what you have to do.
Ariadne Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I know it made each of them realize they were neglecting their M, and they are both trying harder to make it work. Damn! Thats the thing that is the hardest. I doubt things are getting better. If the husband starts cheating on the wife and having affairs things are pretty crappy alright. They might get better for a little while (the wife might get inspired and competitive) but in a little bit things will probably turn even worse than they already were to start with. So, don't worry.
Author ovrtherainbow Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 You typically cry when you have sex with him? That sounds like a good, fun, healthy, fulfilling relationship. No, I dont cry when I have sex with him. I thought I may, because I let myself down a bit, but I have learned through these understanding, caring, heartfelt people on this site not to be so damn hard on myself and that everyone makes mistakes and it is all part of the process.
Author ovrtherainbow Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 So NC = "no contact", and "soft NC" = "contact, with sex"? What does the N in "soft NC" stand for? How about you tell me exactly what soft NC means? I didnt know it was like, (black and white), and (rules listed below)....
norajane Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I think it would more productive if you focused on whether your affair could force you and your husband to put more thought, communication, and work into your own marriage and make it better, rather than feeling like sh*t because that's what MM told you is happening in his marriage. And, really, how can you believe MM's marriage is ANY better, since he had sex with you the other night, AFTER he supposedly told you his own marriage was better. Can't you see that nothing is better if he's still cheating on his wife? And that nothing is better - and won't ever be - in your own marriage until you stop cheating, cut off ALL contact with MM, take some time to get OUT of your affair fog when things appear as they are not, and then start working on repairing your relationship with your H...if he's not fed up by then and doesn't want to work on the marriage anymore.
2cold2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I sometimes think that if we ended this affair right now my marriage might get better. If it weren't broken already. good luck to you
Trimmer Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 How about you tell me exactly what soft NC means? I didnt know it was like, (black and white), and (rules listed below).... I don't know, I'd not heard it before, which is why I asked. If I had to take a stab, I would guess it's a euphemism for "I started to have no contact (which in summary, means: "no contact") but then I broke it and am talking to him and had sex the other day, but I'm still going to tell myself that it's a sorta kind of NC. I'll call it 'soft' NC. It's like 'NC', just without the 'N' part..." It's not about black and white and meeting someone else's list of rules. It's about being honest with yourself. Are you staying away, or not? If not, fine, but don't fool yourself that it's "soft NC..."
J2FT1 Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Lmao at women like the OP. You do know that he's never going to leave his wife for you right?
Soaked Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Has this ever happened to any of you? well, I know it definitely happened with my exMM... It's very of hard for me to get over the fact how easy it has been for him to moved on/froward and see that he doesn't seems to have any difficult time of ending our relationship, disregard so many times he told me how I am his biggest support or I'm his best friend! And now he and his W are doing all those things he once (more than once) told me he want to do this and that with me. But as least now for sure I am stop waiting for him to come back, or better way to put it.. for sure I don't carry any hope (fantasy) about him. The best thing I can say is stay in NC, forget about the soft NC thing. Like most people post here to keep in NC and in time it will get better. I admit I still carry some feelings, but it definitely start to fade. Including my anger/sadness. And I realized the person I was in love with is no longer exist. (or never exist) Now I just welcome the day when I completely don't carry any of those feelings about my relationship with him and one day he just doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
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