blossom99 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Hi everbody, So I have this issue that's driving me crazy. I have talked to everyone I know and everyone has different takes on the situation. I thought I would post here to see what everyone though. I am a 40 year old woman dating a 42 year old never married man. We have been together a year. I assumed early on that he was marriage minded based on our conversations (prenups and church weddings). Plus he is always mentioning how so and so is married, even if it doesn;t really fit into to the conversation at hand. We get along great and have alot in common. No issues to speak of except the fact that a few weeks ago I asked him his thoughts on marriage and where he sees himself in 5 years. Keep in mind that he has just purchased his first home at 42. We are both "late bloomers" in the settling down department. Anyways, I told him I definitely wanted to get married and that if he was dead set against marriage that he should let me know as there would be no point to us continuing. I said I did not want to date forever. He said he never really thought about marriage, that it obviously wasn't a high priority for him and that if it was he would have been married multiple times by now. He said he just liked to play things by ear. Note he is a musician but has a very serious, responsible job in a large corporation where he manages 20 plus people. He was very open during this initial conversation, not defensive, and never said the dreaded "I don't want a serious relationship". I know that we are bf and gf, not FWB. But here's the thing, at first after our conversation I was feeling good because it went so well. But the more I think about it the more hopeless I feel. I really don't want to date forever. I know that right now is totally overwhelmed with his new home, the extra payments and all the home improvements that he is doing so I don't want to push him or even ask again right now. But, it's eating me up inside wondering what will happen. One other things I should mention. He's very indecisive about many things like where to have dinner and what we should do together on our dates. I actually have the same problem. So I don;t know if his "I don't know" is a "no" or if (as some friends said) that I just caught him totally off guard. After all, I have never mentioned anything like that before. My gut says to wait a few months and bring it up again, hoping this house situation will calm down. What does everyone think?
norajane Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 You were clear about what you want for yourself, so now give him some time to think about what he wants. Keep in mind he hasn't been interested in marriage in the past, so it's not like you can expect he'll suddenly become all ready and interested marriage right away. Let him give it some thought, do the same things you've been doing with him, and give him some time to consider what he will want for his life now that he's bought his own place and is settling in a bit. In the meantime, don't eat yourself up over this. The anxiety won't change anything except make you uncomfortable around him. Being uncomfortable around him can make things feels awkward between you, which will kill any desire to stay together! Give him a chance to consider how you are together, and if he wants a partner in his life forever.
Author blossom99 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 You are right about anxiety. And I do feel uncomfortable around him. I think backing off is the right thing to do. Is this a typical problem with men? Is there hope do you think? I've heard stories of some men needing an extra 'push'.
girlygirl25 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I agree with Norajane that it would be good to give him some time to think about what he wants. He may be at a "crossroads" because he has never really considered marriage before. You said he was indecisive so maybe he is unsure what he wants. It's obviously very important to you, so give him some time to think about what he wants. It sounds as though you have told him how you feel, therefore it would appear that the ball is in his court. Like you said, give him some time to think about it and then broach the topic at a later date. If he's still unsure about whether marriage is something he is interested in, then you will need to make a decision whether or not staying in the relationship is best for you.
norajane Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 You are right about anxiety. And I do feel uncomfortable around him. I think backing off is the right thing to do. Is this a typical problem with men? Is there hope do you think? I've heard stories of some men needing an extra 'push'. If you back off from him now, you're only going to reinforce the message that you shouldn't be together. You're talking about making a lifetime commitment to him - so your first action is to back away from being with him? You'll end up making him think that you just want marriage, not a marriage with HIM. Now is not the time to back off. You've been together a year, you've let him know (for the first time???) that you want marriage, so let him think about it just like you've had time to think about it. Be with him, have fun with him, enjoy him and let him enjoy you. He'll be looking at your relationship through a different lens now, so let him see things as they are between you. Love him, and be loving toward him. Respect him and his need to give this some thought. Don't play games.
girlygirl25 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 You are right about anxiety. And I do feel uncomfortable around him. I think backing off is the right thing to do. Is this a typical problem with men? Is there hope do you think? I've heard stories of some men needing an extra 'push'. Do you mean back off from the relationship, or back off from the subject? Are you happy with this man? If so, then show him that HE is who you want to be with. Have fun, do things together. Don't agonize over the marriage thing, take it from me. "Pushing" him on the subject might make him feel pressured to make a decision. Show him that you really do love him, and give him time to think about the marriage issue. If he tells you he definately doesn't want to get married at all, would you stay with him?
carrot10 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Blossom-I'm in a very similiar situation. the man I've been dating for a year is in his late 40's and never been married. I was married for 11 years and have been divorced for 3. At first, I didn't think I would ever want to get married again, but I do. I have never directly brought the conversation up to him partly out of fear. He has said he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me but that could mean exactly the same as it is right now. Then I start thinking what if he doesn't want to take the next step and I'm missing out on the person who will. I love him so much but I don't want to date 8 +years and find out that he has no plans for the next step. I just wanted to let you know that I sympathize with you and have learned not to have any expectations.
Author blossom99 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 I sympathize with you as well. I, too, was afraid to bring it up (which is why I waited so long). But, I also realize I don't want to date forever. I think when the time is right, you should bring it up so your cards will be out on the table. He may not even realize that you are thinking you would like to get married again. For me, I started thinking about the topic and what I would say. Then one night I went over to my bf's house and saw that it was the perfect opportunity. We were both sitting on his patio, talking, and there were no distractions like tv. Plus we were in a private place and the time seemed right so I said it. For girlygirl and norajane, when I said backing off I meant backing off from the subject (not him). I hope he is thinking about it and what life would be like with me. He hasn't mentioned it again so I have no idea. A male friend of mine said to give him a long time to think about it (maybe 6 months). My female friends are pushing for me to either a) break it off or b) wait a few weeks. I still think he needs more time especially with this house stuff. Thanks again for everyone's thoughtful replies.
norajane Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 For girlygirl and norajane, when I said backing off I meant backing off from the subject (not him). Oh! Yes, back off from the subject! If this is the first you've mentioned it, then you owe him the opportunity to give it some thought. A few weeks is not enough - I'm thinking 6 months without pressure is a much more realistic time frame. Even if he hasn't brought it up again, he's thinking about it - in the car, in the shower, when he's doing stuff around the house...it's on his mind. My guess, though, is he is likely to bring it up sooner. He may have some questions about what marriage means to you, how things would be between you if married, expectations, financial considerations, children. He'll likely ask those kinds of questions periodically as they occur to him while he's thinking about it. Be honest, and keep it simple. Or, if he's more of a quiet, reserved type, he might just do all his thinking on his own and present his thoughts once he's sorted them out. Buying a home is a big step, and it does change someone's view of themselves and life. Let him absorb that change, let him imagine how things would work out between you, and listen to what he says when he's ready to talk. If he hasn't brought anything up in 6 months, then it's time for you to bring it up again. But you don't need to worry about that now. Just love him and enjoy your relationship. That will do much more to convince him that things could work in a marriage with you than anything.
Author blossom99 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 I just hope he knows I'm serious and he is thinking about it. He did tell me that one gf broke up with him a very long time ago because she thought he would date forever. He implied that that is not what would've happened. He also said he had this same conversation with an ex about 10 years ago, again implying that his "i don't know" didn't mean that he wouldn't think of getting married (although he did not say that directly). She also broke up with him I think and this being one of the reasons. And he had been thinking of buying a house for 10 years and finally did it this year.
Author blossom99 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Our year anniversary is coming up soon. We met online and I didn't keep a record of our first email or first date but we met last Sept. and had a first date in Oct. I'm not even sure if he realizes this since he has said nothing. I am thinking of mentioning it to him but not sure how without seeming pushy. Ideas? To give you an idea of how slow this man is, we emailed for one month without even meeting. I never even thought we would meet!!! But it all turned out well.
norajane Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Our year anniversary is coming up soon. We met online and I didn't keep a record of our first email or first date but we met last Sept. and had a first date in Oct. I'm not even sure if he realizes this since he has said nothing. I am thinking of mentioning it to him but not sure how without seeming pushy. Ideas? You say, "What would you like to do for our anniversary next week? I'd like to go to that place we first met. What about you?"
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