How long should I date a separated man?

[uncertain about love]

I am a 37 year old divorced woman who has been dating a 37 year old separated man for almost a year. He and his wife split up 4 1/2 years ago and have been living apart since then. Their marriage ended because she cheated on him (she has had 2 boyfriends since their split). He and his wife both have lawyers and they have already gone to court a couple years ago for a custody case (they were awarded joint custody of their kids, 50/50). But their divorce is not final yet.

 

My boyfriend and I get along great, and have a lot in common since we are both single parents with children of similar ages and interests (our kids get along well too). My boyfriend says he wants a future with me and says that his divorce will be final eventually, but I just don't know when "eventually" will be. He can't give me a definitive date. He seems to be procrastinating and keeps giving me excuses as to why it is taking so long to end. My boyfriend's main excuse is that he does not want to go back to court and pay for court costs and attorney fees again. So he and his wife are trying to resolve things on their own, but they can't agree on a settlement. He is unwilling to give his wife the financial amount that she wants. It just keeps dragging on. I feel like my relationship with him is in a state of limbo.

 

I must also mention that my boyfriend has several photos of he and I together on display around his house. However, he also has a photo of he and his wife together on display in his house (it's an old picture that was taken before they had children so their kids aren't in the photo). It seems odd to me that the photo of he and his wife is still on display considering their marital mess (it also makes me question whether he still has feelings for his wife).

 

Is it wrong to be upset about the photo of his wife on display? How long should I wait around for his divorce to end? I am feeling confused about what to do. My head says walk away, but my heart says stick around because I love this man. Please help!

[Ronni_W]

Tell him you appreciate his power struggle with his ex -- that's what it seems to be, yes? For him, there must be some thrill/benefit from the fact that HE is controlling the financial settlement?

 

Tell him that is well and good, but it is time to choose between maintaining his ILLUSION of having some power over his ex, and moving forward with his own life.

 

I'd stick around for the time being cos I don't think it's about you...it sounds more like it is about his distorted thinking and cloudy judgment of his "powerful position" as related to his ex.

But if he chooses to stay stuck in THAT cycle after you point it out to him, then it's a conscious decision and likely he is deeply entrenched in hanging on to his "I can still control my ex" self-image.

[JoeNewbie]

Whether the guy is separated and divorced is beside the point. What really matters is how committed he is in your relationship. Four and a half years is a long time and he should be emotionally ok by now.