PandorasBox Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 This question is coming from a conversation that took place between myself and some co workers on lunch break yesterday. I don't even know for sure how the conversation got started, as I came into it later than the others. I think it got started, when one was talking about how people will do something they shouldn't and how if they don't want someone else to know, they will or will not act a certain way so the other person wont find out. One guy at the table who is married, actually claimed how great his marriage is, but admitted going to strip clubs to get couch dances with some of his friends, and his wife didn't know. He said he would feel bad afterwards and in order for his wife to NOT pick up him doing something he shouldn't he would be especially helpful, loving, etc. He was usually like this anyway, but would be more so after he did something he felt bad for. All to throw her off. He said she has never picked up on things. Another co worker who admitted she had an affair years ago, and of course is now divorced, she said she would feel such guilt, she wouldn't be extra nice or loving. She would be angry, (really at herself) but project it on to her husband. Such as finding all kinds of fault with her husband, or ignoring him, or not doing something he had asked etc. She later on came clean with her affair but that is how she handeled her guilt, and he didn't pick up on it in the beginning, but he was left wondering many times, WHY she would treat him so bad and he couldn't understand where her anger was coming from, when infact it was her guilt/anger from herself that she transferred over to him. So my question is, if you had/have done something you felt guilt for but didn't want your spouse or partner to find out, how did you handle the guilt, so they wouldn't know? And just incase someone asks, no I haven't done anything I feel guilt for, I'm not even married, lol! It was just a discussion from work. Thought it was interesting to see how others might handle guilt.
blair08 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Once I took out some money from the bank that we had saved, for something new we were going to do to our bathroom, and took it and bought something for myself and then we didn't have the money for the project for the bathroom. I felt really bad. My H found out about it because my guilt confessed it to him. Not the day I bought it though, but a few days later. I had to tell him, because I felt so bad, but until I did confess I was in a pretty depressed mood. My mood deffo gave it away. I think there are some people who if they don't act a certain way, after doing something they shouldn't, maybe don't even have a guilty conscience.
JackJack Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 "One guy at the table who is married, actually claimed how great his marriage is, but admitted going to strip clubs to get couch dances with some of his friends, and his wife didn't know. He said he would feel bad afterwards and in order for his wife to NOT pick up him doing something he shouldn't he would be especially helpful, loving, etc. He was usually like this anyway, but would be more so after he did something he felt bad for. All to throw her off. He said she has never picked up on things". *To me it doesn't sound like he feels to guilty if this is something he KEEPS doing. *Its possible too, that his wife might pick up on more than he thinks, but maybe she is good at hiding her knowing it as well.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 lol, I read that as 'how well do you hide your quilt' and I clicked, wanting to see how that metaphor played out, lol. I haven't done anything to have guilt about, but then again I conduct myself as honestly as possible anyway. Lying is hard work. My husband plays dumb. Gaslighting, I suppose, is the correct term. "No, honey, I told you about that, don't you remember?" "I thought I told you, gee, sorry, maybe I didn't." "Oh, I thought when you said <whatever>, you meant it was fine." Oh, and the ever-ready, "I was going to tell you, sweetie, but <dumb excuse>"
JackJack Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 lol, I read that as 'how well do you hide your quilt' and I clicked, wanting to see how that metaphor played out, lol. I haven't done anything to have guilt about, but then again I conduct myself as honestly as possible anyway. Lying is hard work. My husband plays dumb. Gaslighting, I suppose, is the correct term. "No, honey, I told you about that, don't you remember?" "I thought I told you, gee, sorry, maybe I didn't." "Oh, I thought when you said <whatever>, you meant it was fine." Oh, and the ever-ready, "I was going to tell you, sweetie, but <dumb excuse>" What is gaslighting? I have heard of it. Is it like, playing dumb? Or someone who is full of excuses? Nevermind just looked it up after I asked! Its a form of manipulation to make you think how you feel about something isn't so.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 It's a form of psychological abuse...making the other person feel like their memory is failing, they remember things wrong, they didn't see what they think they saw, etc, when really it's the 'gaslighter' covering stuff up.
Trialbyfire Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Why do things for the immediate satisfaction when you know you're going to feel guilty about it afterwards? It makes no sense to me.
JackJack Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Why do things for the immediate satisfaction when you know you're going to feel guilty about it afterwards? It makes no sense to me. I agree. I think too, we have all done things even if its somethig minor that we may feel some guilt about. I think too, some people don't have as much guilt as they claim, If they did they wouldn't continue to do those things. Either that or whatever they are doing outweighs the quilt they feel.
Trialbyfire Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I agree. I think too, we have all done things even if its somethig minor that we may feel some guilt about.I've never done anything that needed to be hidden from an SO. I try to think how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Since I have strong personal boundaries, anything that fails this test doesn't become action. I think too, some people don't have as much guilt as they claim, If they did they wouldn't continue to do those things. Either that or whatever they are doing outweighs the quilt they feel. Agreed.
Author PandorasBox Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 I've never done anything that needed to be hidden from an SO. I try to think how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Since I have strong personal boundaries, anything that fails this test doesn't become action. Agreed. I understand what you're saying. I guess this is more along the lines of people who have done something they do feel guilt for. It would be interesting in hearing from those who have cheated how they would try to hide their guilt (if any) from their spouse.
quankanne Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 a guilty conscious is pretty much my achilles heel ... I can't keep it secret for very long (more serious issues), though I do tend to gaslight minor purchases ("naw, man, I bought that thing a LONG TIME AGO and just now started using it"). DH knows that with the serious issues I cannot look him in the eye and lie, I feel bad whenever I do that!
stoopid_guy Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I understand what you're saying. I guess this is more along the lines of people who have done something they do feel guilt for. That's a key concept here. For example, the strip club... If the spouse thinks of them as just a harmless night out with the guys that his wife objects to for no reason, he's not going to feel guilt. He'll have no problem hiding it (unless he spent an extreme amount of money, or his wife is having him tailed or something.) (Not trying to justify strip clubs, just that strippers and porn seem to be recurring themes here.) It would be interesting in hearing from those who have cheated how they would try to hide their guilt (if any) from their spouse. When I do things that take time from my family I try to do more things like going out to dinner, weekend trips, etc. to compensate. This applies to spells of extended work hours, consulting road trips, and cheating. I don't try to hide guilt, I compensate for it. I don't feel guilt for the cheating itself, only for the time it takes from my family. Of course, my sweetie (OW) and I hide the action of cheating, but that's a whole other thing.
OpenBook Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I don't feel guilt for the cheating itself, only for the time it takes from my family. Fascinating... SG, can you explain why you don't feel guilty about cheating on your W -- if I promise I won't slam you for it? Seriously, is it because your W has no interest in keeping up the sexual side of your M... and so you feel entitled to find it elsewhere? Or is it because you don't perceive it as really hurting anyone, as your W is in the dark about it and your lover is M as well?
stoopid_guy Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Fascinating... SG, can you explain why you don't feel guilty about cheating on your W -- if I promise I won't slam you for it? Seriously, is it because your W has no interest in keeping up the sexual side of your M... and so you feel entitled to find it elsewhere? Or is it because you don't perceive it as really hurting anyone, as your W is in the dark about it and your lover is M as well? I've been slammed before, I'll be slammed again. I don't know if I'd use the word "entitled," but my lack of guilt about the cheating aspect of the affair is a combination of both of your reasons. Some people need intimacy, some people do not. My wife has made it clear over and over again that she does not want or need it. My finding it elsewhere deprives her of nothing. It also gives her an emtionally healthier spouse without her needing to make any effort at all. Why should I feel guilty? My sweety is in a similar situation. We both have good spouses in every regard but one. We both have kids, pets, nice homes, everything you would expect to make for happy lives except intimacy.
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