thisisbad Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Hi everyone- I'm hoping to get some support and advice..... 4 years ago I got involved with my MM. At that point his W was his girlfriend. It didn't last very long because I felt like crap for seeing him and was tired of sneaking around. Fast forward 2 years to now. After keeping in touch via email here and there, the conversations start to go back to what used to be.....we started seeing each other again except this time they are indeed married only a few months. He kept telling me that he never stopped thinking about me, he loved me but he also loves her and doesn't want to hurt her. That it's not ridiculous to love two people and that we never got a fair chance to see if we could make things work because of the way were together the first time. Admittedly, I hung onto this and justified my actions with myself to see him again. However, again...this bothers me. It's wrong, plain and simple. What's the problem then? The problem are my feelings. I have them for him. I'm currently in a relationship with someone, we've had our share of problems, but it's not terrible. Hell, he even tells me that his M is not terrible at all. He actually has NO complaints about her. Yet i wonder if everything is so good, then why need me? I asked him if he ever felt guilty. He told me that he just worries about her feelings if she were to ever find out, but that otherwise he does not feel bad becaus he loves me and will take me anyway he can get me since we cannot be together in the normal sense. Could he be telling the truth that he has feelings for us both? Not all of our time together has been physical, actually, its more having coffee, eating, and talking than it has ever been physical. I guess that's what's got me confused. Maybe this would be easier for me to leave it he was just pushing for sex all of the time??? I'm hoping that you all can help me see through this mess. Thanks.
Agent_99 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Hello, It's not easy to see through the mess. Especially when he is probably being pretty honest with you. But that's the thing, he's being honest with you - He is NOT going to leave his W. I was/am in a similar situation. Where MW says she will take me however she can get me, etc etc etc. It's all great, but it's nover going to be more than what it is RIGHT NOW. Can you be happy and satisfied with how it is right now? Do you cling to a hope that he will leave his W? Affairs seem to be like a concentrated relationship, only all the good parts are shared and all the hard parts are borne alone. If you were both single and dating and it was just a matter of him not willing to committ to more than you have right now, would you be okay with it, or would you start moving on? These are all things I have asked myself to help me start moving on from the affair. ~99
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Hell, he even tells me that his M is not terrible at all. He actually has NO complaints about her. Yet i wonder if everything is so good, then why need me? Because you aren't his wife. He wants you both. For some men it isn't an either/or thing. Its a 'both' thing.
NoIDidn't Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I was in a similar situation once but cut it off once I found out he got engaged to the woman. He said loved her and me both..but..differently. He'd tell me that a lot. It was frustrating. I wanted him to choose one of us and be done with it. But he wanted both. When I confronted him about knowing about the engagement he told me this: He wanted me to be his mistress, her to be his W. I was horrified. Who did he think he was?! Who did he think *I* was?! But I still loved him. He felt he was offering me a good deal. A nice home with all the perks of marriage, except the legal ones. He wanted to set me up for life. So long as I was willing to be his mistress. I wasn't. It was over. Fast forward to a couple of years later - me married, him divorced, both with kids - and the same thing you are doing happens. He calls. We talk. We reminisce. I still love him. He still loves me. My M is going through a rough patch, but it isn't bad and was still full of life. He backs off. We *claim* to be *friends*. LOL. A few more years later and I'm still married. He's still divorced but in a LTR. And yet....the feelings remain. But my M was going through a harder rough patch (lots of deaths in the family, and so on - life). This time we talk more often and longer. I was almost willing to agree to a meeting with him (we are long distance from each other). THEN, I remembered who I was dealing with - the same man that only wanted me to be his mistress. He wasn't offering much more then. And I wasn't willing to cheat on my H (and family) with him for THAT little. I didn't intend to write a book. But I said all of it to say in so many words that he is likely using you to bolster the part in his M that HE thinks is missing for HIS NEEDS. You don't need your life turned upside down when he isn't offering you anything but wants you to give him so much of your integrity, time, and love. You will always have feelings for him. I still have feelings for my jerk of an ex. I even smile when I think about him and can laugh at the things I fell for from him. Don't allow him to use your sentimental and nostalgic feelings for the past against your better judgment. You stand to lose far more than he does.
Author thisisbad Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Thank you all for replying. It's so comforting to know that there are other people that have experienced similar situations. Makes me feel less like a freak. It's funny, I've not thought about him leaving her and could never understand why. That if I was sleeping with him and spending all of this emotional time and energy with and on him, you would think that I should want that right? It was enough to know that there was someone out there that loved me so passionately and intensely. I just needed to know that it was genuine love. Which speaks volumes about my own deficits..... You are all right, he is not offering me very much is he? He is constantly looking for reassurance from me regarding my feelings, my attraction to him, so on and so forth. He tells me how much he needs me. I asked him once, if she got pregnant what would he do? I told him in no uncertain terms that I would NOT see him if she got pregnant, he told me that he would need me even more and that it shouldn't make a difference because he considers me the wife he couldn't have because of circumstance. WTH?! That alone should have been enough for me to run the other way. But of course like a @$% ninny, I took this as how much HE was unhappy and poor him. When the truth of the matter is, if he could be so disrespectful to her while she was pregnant (if it were to happen) then he can't possibly love and respect me all that much can he? Feel so stupid......
NoIDidn't Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Don't feel stupid. Its just how these exes do us. They keep trying to squeeze the last little bit of love we have left for them out until we are used up.
phoenixrising Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 "They keep trying to squeeze the last little bit of love we have left for them out until we are used up...." NID, these few words summarize best how so many of us feel. "Used", I think, is the key word. Whether or not we (or they) perceive they are using us, they indeed are... and the part that hurts the most is that we let them use us, because we trusted that their words would be followed by actions. The thing I wonder if I will ever get back is my ability to trust again. Even though I am in my 'middle years' it took this to rip away my naivete... which just attracted men who take advantage of this, so perhaps this is a good thing...
Author thisisbad Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 I'm just amazed at the amount of effort he put into this. Phone calls before he gets on the plane to go on vacation with her, texts while he's on vacation with her, texts and damn near break-neck speed to see me the night he's back or the very next day. Frantic when he doesn't hear from me for a day. How could I not think that he was in love with me?
jj33 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 This is bad - its very hard to understand, months after the A was over I was still getting texts from vacations and on his anniversary and calls when he knew I was on vacation -- and told it meant nothing after all we were friends.... I dont know what to think anymore except that they are very confused people. It took not speaking to him for a month to stop all that but even then when the month ended and the work communications commenced I got needless daily phone calls. The bottom line is it adds up to nothing. If they arent leaving and you arent happy being the OW then its all irrelevant (sorry am having a kind of a bitter day). Hang in there. I am sure he cares about you but he is confused and enjoying his best of both worlds But will you be there "more than ever" when he has a baby. Well honey if hes not mormon and hes not muslim then he doesnt get two wives and it looks like he has to make a choice. Be strong. Big hugs
phoenixrising Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I feel so much for you right now... it is so difficult to understand. I had absolutely NO doubts that my xMM loved me. He was ALWAYS there for me, called me all the time, was warm, loving, caring... love was in his eyes and I felt he was so sincere... but he could not take the step of leaving his family. He felt the guilt of doing so would affect our relationship. Thus, we both agreed to end things - but it has been very, very hard for me. My thoughts are with you. As everyone on LS says, NC is the best way to begin. Try a week, then two - get some perspective. Perhaps if you don't try 'NC forever' all at once, it will help you to slowly see what you really want from this relationship.
Author thisisbad Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 I just wanted to thank everyrone for their kind words and great advice. I was up half the night thinking about everything and have decided to go no contact. It's what's best. I feel stupid, I feel sick, and I need not to feel this way now or ever again. I also desperately need to figure out what it is that is missing in myself that I globbed onto this like I did. So thank you....I may be back here though for some inspiration here and there to keep me straight if that's ok....
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