pinkberry7 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Hi everyone, this is my first time posting. I've been feeling really horrible and was hoping you could help. It's a long story so please bear with me:o There is this guy that I work with that I have strong feelings for. He started the job in Feb and I have had feelings for him since april. We would flirt constantly at work and also have some great conversations. I began to consider him a friend even though we never would hang out outside of work. These past few months I have grown increasingly frusterated because I have been waiting for him to initiate plans with me. I knew that he had just broken up with a previous girlfriend in feb (right before starting our job) and I had heard through a friend that he was not looking for a serious relationship. But I still had high hopes because I liked him so much and felt a mutual attraction. We finally hung out a couple weeks ago with a group of co-workers. The whole time we were there, it felt like we were on a date. He bought all of my drinks (no one else's) flirted with me a lot, and told me some personal things and that he thought I was "amazing." Later he drove me home and I finally asked why he hadnt asked me to hang out before. He told me it was b/c he was attracted to me and I told him the feelings were mutual. Then he did something weird and started talking about how messed up his life was and kinda implied that he was not ready for a relationship. I personalized it and took this as a sign of rejection and told him if he didnt want me to just say that. He said he did want me and he ended up coming back to my house that night. we fooled around but we didnt have sex. I told him that I wanted him to be sure before he pursued anything with me and that I did not want to put any pressure on him. He said he was sure this is what he wanted. The next few days were great and it felt so good to finally express our attraction to each other. We mosly spent time at my house and fooled around a lot. He would pressure me for sex a couple times, but I told him I wasn't ready at that point (it had only been a few days) The last time he came over he tried to initiate sex again and I explained to him that I felt more comfortable having sex knowing I was in a commited relationship which we didn't have yet since it was so early. Then he told me that he wasnt so sure about having a serious relationship b/c he was going through some changes in his life (moving, work, and financial) he said he needed to feel comfortable in himself before he could be in a relationship. He had mentioned this to me over the phone before he came over that night but only talked about how stressed out he was about all these changes. I told him i understood and I wanted to keep things simple. He said he wanted to see how things progressed. He didnt call me for 3 days after that (he usually called or texted me everyday in the previous week). I felt awful but decided that the best thing for me to do was to back off and let him make a move. He imed me on the 4th day and we talked on the phone that night and the next. He talked to me about how stressed out he was with all these changes going on and I tried to be as supportive as I could.we didn't talk about us at all and I was afraid to bring it up cuz I didnt want to put any pressure on him. I also saw him at work the next day and acted friendly but professional (we did flirt a little). So now I feel really heartbroken b/c I don't know what's going on. I like him so much, but we don't even hang out anymore or talk on the phone that much. It's like he just changed his mind about me so quickly. It seems like we're just friends now which i guess is better than nothing but I wish he would have told me that is what he wants. I still have intense feelings for him and I'm not sure what to do. I feel so sad and I cry about it a lot but I don't let him know that I am hurt. I'm trying to be supportive but at the same time, I'm tired of waiting for him to decide what he wants. Please give me some insight.
TigerCub Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Here's what I gathered from your story. The guy is simply not ready for any kind of commited relationship and he keeps hinting at all the stress he's feeling because of all the changes in his life. He's telling you in his way that he's not ready, and that he can't take more changes. I would think that he's backing off because you said that you wouldn't sleep with him unless he could offer you a commited relationship and he can't seem to do that, so its really as simple as that. I'm sorry that you're hurting over it, and it does suck when we like people and they can't give us what we really need in a relationship, but hopefully in time you can get past it, because either way (and I'm sure others might differ on this), I think its best not to have relations with people at the office - don't **** where you eat, cuz it has a huge potential for getting messy...
Rudyard Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I think you should move on. He was upfront with you when you were hanging out and thats good because a lot of people dont have the balls to and they take the easy way out. it would be different if he kept wavering back and forth telling you one thing and then doing another because that just gives false hope and would be pretty callous of him. So yeah it sucks but a clean break is the best. Find someone who wants to be with you.
djhall Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 It seems pretty straight forward to me. He is attracted to you, he enjoys your company, and he likes the attention and the fooling around. He either doesn't want a relationship with you, doesn't want a relationship right now, or doesn't want a relationship with you right now. He wasn't really hiding his interest, but he wasn't going to initiate something he wasn't prepared to follow through with either. When you started to feel him out on the subject, he implied he wasn't ready for a relationship. I think responding to that as a rejection of interest in you was a mistake. By ignoring the warning signs about not wanting an relationship and focusing instead on whether he wanted you or not, you may have given him the impression you were more concerned with him wanting you sexually than you were with him wanting a relationship. If I take the overall context and use it to read between the lines for what wasn't said but might have been heard or implied by him, I see this: "Why didn't you hit on me earlier?" "Because I really like you (and I didn't want to mislead you into thinking I was looking for a relationship or I expected you would be open to just having sex.)" "I really like you too." "My life is screwed up. (You know I'm not boyfriend material, right?)" "Oh, so you don't really want me? (because if you don't want to have sex, just say so instead of giving me this relationship crap.) "Oh, well in that case, heck yeah I want you!" *** Insert making out and fooling around here *** "Are you really sure you want to have sex with me? I wouldn't want to pressure you. (I'm insecure. I'm afraid you don't really want to have sex with me. I want you to tell me you want me.)" "Yep, I'm sure, lets do it!" "Okay... but not tonight" *** Insert more making out and fooling around with regular "Are you ready today?", "Nope, not yet," exchanges. *** "You know, I'd be a lot more comfortable having sex with you if we had a relationship." "Uh... I don't want a relationship.... I'm not boyfriend material... I thought you knew this already." "Thats okay, I can wait. We can keep it simple for now." "Okay, lets just see how things go." (You want to wait? Simple for now? So, we aren't going to have sex without a relationship after all? Crap, I knew it! I didn't make a move on you until you started this! What do I do now?) *** Everyone has some space for 4 days *** "Hello. I just called to make sure you know this whole no relationship thing is me and not you. Are you sure we can't work this out anyway?" "That really sucks. I understand. I'm disappointed. I'm still not having sex with you." *** Wait until next day at work *** "Hi. This is awkward! Sorry about the whole not-wanting-to-be-your-boyfriend thing. Do you hate me now?" Maybe I'm completely wrong, but that is what I saw when I read your post.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 dj! I loved it!! Nothing like a little LS theater to lift my spirits on a boring Saturday morning!
Author pinkberry7 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Thank you all for your insight, I guess my problem was that I thought he didnt like me and that's why I felt so awful. But now my question is, what should I do? How should I act around him? Should I continue to act friendly and casual like what he did didnt bother me? Should I talk about it with him? Do you think there may be any chance of a future relationship with him in the future?
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