deciding whether to be friends at this point

[gd26]

Hi all,

 

I was hoping for some advice.

 

Some months ago I met a man online who is separated. He and his wife separated early in the year and he told me that they are 100% getting divorced as soon as their state allows them to do so (the state requires a one year separation period).

 

Initially when we started talking, he was very interested in me romantically, but he told me right off the bat that we should be friends for now and not consider anything romantic until after the divorce for moral and ethical reasons. I was fine with that, as I feel similarly. He was calling me though several times a week and emailing me several times a week... so in my book, things felt confusing, as he started feeling more like a boyfriend than a friend.

 

The problem is that I ended up developing feelings for him. We are still long-distance, so nothing has 'happened' between us. Even though I never called him much, when he did call me to chat... I started getting really excited about him, etc. He was sweet, but when I'd blurt out things like "I like you so much!" he'd just get silent. Unfortunately, his pulling away made me feel a bit insecure, and I messed up... I poured out all my feelings to him over long emails, started getting clingy etc.

 

A few weeks ago (when I last talked to him), he told me that he needs space, he hasn't fully recovered from the breakup of his marriage and needs time to heal, etc. He confessed that my clingyness did push him away. But he still wants to be friends with me, and will communicate with me periodically.

 

So I honored his space, and haven't communicated with him in the last few weeks. Last week he sent me an email, just letting me know he was doing well (it was very generic and there was really nothing to respond to it). So I haven't. I'm trying to get over him emotionally... I keep the possibility that we could potentially have a relationship someday, but I don't want to keep hoping anymore.

 

I came to the realization that I don't want to be anyone's string-along (I'm not sure if that's what he's doing with me by writing the letters or not). Probably contacting me is good for him, as he really could use the friendship... but I'm not sure if it is good for me or not. I mean, he is wonderful, and inspires me in so many ways, and I love talking to him... but I just feel pushed away and don't want to hang around someone who thinks of me as clingy etc. I deserve better from someone who IS emotionally available.

 

On the other hand, I feel it was my fault for developing feelings for him, even though he did tell me in the beginning that we should be friends for now and see where things go. So it was me who violated that. As such, I think ignoring him and going NC may be a bit unkind, as it's not very friend-like to abandon someone who needs your support just because you made the mistake to develop feelings for him. I feel like I need to move on, but at the same time ignoring him seems really unkind... and I don't want to close the door to being friends with him again in the future (after I've moved on). He is really an awesome person, and I'd love to have friends like him.

 

If he were 100% single, I'd probably just walk away, as I don't want to be strung-along. However, being that I've never been close to someone separated/divorced before, I don't know how to handle the situation. I feel that I was wrong in the first place to develop feelings for him (knowing that he was unavailable), and thus it is selfish of me to just retract my friendship (as he doesn't deserve that, as he's been nothing but sweet to me). I guess part of me resents him for being romantically interested in me in the beginning, and then getting scared off when I started getting a bit clingy (I mean, I realize that clingy behavior does scare a person away... but at the same time, he knows I'm a great girl... and I just wish he gently talked to me about my behavior rather than pulling away). Thus it's really even hard to be friends... because I can't joke or laugh with him the way I used to, as there is hurt inside of me. It's hard to have fun discussions when that hurt is still there, as I can't pretend it away... even though I feel that perhaps it's not justified for me to feel that way.

 

Any advice would be most appreciated. Thanks!

[Rudyard]

I think it would be really difficult to get involved with someone going through a divorce and someone you met online it like a double whammy almost obstacle wise. He cant give you what you need right now so you have to be willing to accept thatl. :(It’s a gamble really because sometimes you then realize you may not be right for each other and you meet both meet someone who is.

 

You give what you get and I think it would be harder to keep in contact while he’s sorting his own life out because you don’t want to be dragged through the mud while hes doing that.

[rod_in_gtown]

I am in the EXACT same situation. The girl to be divorced told me last weekend that she didn't want to continue to see me romantically because she's not ready to be in a relationship. I developed feelings for her even though I knew from the start where she is emotionally. Which is nowhere. Unfortunately there is no happy ending on this story for you and me. My woman and your man have amazing potential to be the one for us, but our timing could not be more wrong. I've been wanting to remain friends with her but I've just been hurting myself and it's myself I should be taking care of right now. Let him go. Don't look back. It's not your job (even though you may want to) to help him out of this one. He has to do it by himself. You'll be a mess if you get more involved. Move on. There are more people out there worth your love.

[gd26]

Thanks guys for your replies. I agree... moving on is best. I've had enough heartache and can't take any more.

[Balthazar]

I haven't gone through marriage or a divorce, but I can tell you a few things you might find interesting.

 

When I meet a girl I really like, I want to be with her. It doesn't matter if I am recovering from a break-up.

 

In fact, meeting a great new woman is the best way for us men to get over our ex(in my case at least).

 

So if this guy was into you, he wouldn't have given you the "friends" bit and he certainly wouldn't have gone for weeks without contact.

 

Romantically, there is nothing here. You should move on.

 

If you want to be friends with this guy, fine; but I don't think that would be healthy for you because your feelings for him would always be just below the surface, just waiting to come out.

 

Make a clean break.

 

CHeers,

[shockandawed]

gd,

 

Hi, I have two questions for you.

 

How long has he been married, and is the divorce a mess, ie..kids, emotional ex, property, etc?

 

I am getting the sense you never have met, correct?

[gd26]

Hi Shock,

 

You are correct in that we haven't met in person, as we live in different states in the US. However, we've talked endlessly on the phone for several hours at a time, exchanged hundreds of emails, shared pictures etc. I hardly ever called him... but he was calling me about 4-5 times a week, and sending me texts etc. I'd of course respond positively, but I was rarely the initiator.

 

He was married for 2.5 years. However he says that 1.5 years of that they had no partnership as she cheated on him twice, and left him while he was deployed to Iraq (he's military). He forgave her the first time, but after she cheated and left him the second time, he realized that she wouldn't change... he tried to forgive her a second time, but she wasn't interested in working things out and had become abusive. So he gave up, and the decision to divorce was mutual. He says they would have divorced already, if it were not for the 1-year waiting period after separation that his state needs for divorce. The fact that he is 100% sure about divorce, and that he and his wife haven't had any partnership in a while was the justification he gave for why he was talking to me so soon after his separation. There are no kids. I don't know about property issues, etc, but I think he just gave her their old house (as she wasn't employed), and he just moved somewhere else. The divorce proceedings won't even start until next year, as they are fulfilling the 1-year separation requirement right now (about halfway through it at present).

 

Balthazar,

 

I agree with what you have written. In the beginning he did express clear interest in me. And I in turn started expressing interest back. However, weeks after we started communication, he had to leave for a 1-month military training. Before he left, I started getting really excited about him. I'd blurt things out like "I like you so much!" etc... and he would get silent. Or I'd tell him about our psychic connection, as there were times we'd be having the same exact thoughts, etc. But when he would get quiet, I'd feel a bit insecure. He did continue to call me regularly, however. But when he went away for his field training, I broke down and started pouring all my thoughts into long 5-10 page emails (as we weren't able to communicate over the phone for hours like we did-- I know I shouldn't have done this now, but I can't take back the past.). So when he came back, he had like 4 long emails to go through with me pouring out my feelings, insecurities etc. I think that got too much for him... as he said he felt pressured, and that I was clinging to him. (I didn't do anything else crazy besides the long emails, no calling etc.) He said things suddenly got complicated, as he wasn't thinking about the future but simply wanted to take things one day at a time and see where things go. At that point is when he said that he realized he still wasn't over the wounds from his marriage (and confessed that when we started talking was one of his darkest periods, where he really needed the support). Plus he said he wasn't sure if we are compatible (as he most likely doesn't want kids, and I most likely do-- although neither of us are 100% certain).

 

But then the last time we talked 3 weeks ago, he said that his comment about us not being compatible was simply a 'reaction' as he was feeling pressured, and was said in haste... so he told me about his expectations/preferences of where he thinks we may differ, etc to see if things could be worked out in case of future marriage... but I just listened without much comment. That was 3 weeks ago. He told me to give him space and that he would contact me in a month (though he ended up writing me about 2 weeks later). He sent me a quick generic email last week, but I haven't responded.

 

We are both fairly young, 27 years old, by the way.

[Shygirl15]

I gather you met him online on a dating website, no? I wonder what he was doing there if he feels he' not ready for a romantic relationship with anyone right now.

 

I'm in a sort of similar situation. He's separated on his way to divorce, but it was MY idea that we hold thing off until his divorce comes through. He's very communicative on his divorce proceedings and doesn't seem to have emotional hung ups, even though things are very rough between him and his wife.

 

So, I don't know why this man is pulling off from you. I wouldn't need space from someone I'm interested with, if anything, I pull them even closer just for their support during my difficult moments.

 

My bet is he's seeing someone else.

[gd26]

Oh that's good you mentioned it... actually yes, I did meet him in an online dating site. However, he recently told me that he is canceling his membership from those forums. Initially when we started talking, he was the one who was so excited about me, and asked me very early on if we should both take down our profiles from those sites and focus on one another. I told him to go ahead and keep his on and I would do the same (and I think he respected me for saying that). After that he would tell me that a few people here and there expressed interest in him, but that after meeting me, no one else compares. He said that we should be friends for now for ethical and moral reasons, and that we would see where things go and be open to romantic possibilities after the divorce. (I guess that was kinda confusing for me.) Things were going really well between us, except that at some point my emotions took over and I started spilling out my guts about my feelings etc. That's when he really pulled away. I also casually mentioned that if he and I ever got married and ended up getting separated ourselves, I'd wonder if he would go and talk to other women during the separation period. He said that comment really hit home with him... he justified communicating with me being that they were 100% planning on divorce, but he agreed and thinks it is best for him not to get into any relationship until after the divorce is final.

 

I agree with what people have written about pulling closer rather than pulling away... which is why I assume he was so eager to call me 4-5 times a week in the beginning, and send several emails and text messages weekly as well. I think it was only once he started perceiving me to be overly emotional, is when he needed the space.