rod_in_gtown Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 That was a dumb move on his part... I can just see the forum start flooding with "dump him!" advice... He may be trying to throw you off? My sister and her boyfriend started dating 3 years ago, they met in grad school and after 6 months of dating they moved in together. They lived together for 2.5 years and in August he proposed to her. They got married in a civil wedding last friday and they're doing a big church and party ceremony next year in May. They did talk about marriage but he hadn't proposed. She was stressed for the same reason and I gave her the same advice I'm giving you. Be patient. get off his back about it. He has to feel like he's the man in the relationship. And trust him. You know he loves you and you love him too. This culture of instant gratification has turned some women into ultimatum-giving wenches. He ended up proposing at the Central Park zoo by the lions den, they were alone. He's got a very big thing for lions and she loves the zoo so it was very romantic and very appropriate for them.
lino Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 This is not the way it should be. He should be begging YOU for a commitment, and being relentless about it until he gets you to say "Yes I will marry you." And yes, that includes putting a ring on your finger! Why should he beg for her commitment? Why should either of them beg for each others commitment for that matter. I doubt I'll ever get married, and that saddens me but at least that way I know for sure that I'll never be stuck with someone with a disgusting mentality like this!! Ah. Double standards... "don't let men play head games but here's a game that you should play on him on your own..." I pretty much disagree with everything you said above. well said! I hope for both the sake of the OP & her guy that she doesn't listen to that piece of advice!
lino Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 She was stressed for the same reason and I gave her the same advice I'm giving you. Be patient. get off his back about it. He has to feel like he's the man in the relationship. And trust him. You know he loves you and you love him too. This culture of instant gratification has turned some women into ultimatum-giving wenches. Again, well said
Author girlygirl25 Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 That was a dumb move on his part... I can just see the forum start flooding with "dump him!" advice... He may be trying to throw you off? My sister and her boyfriend started dating 3 years ago, they met in grad school and after 6 months of dating they moved in together. They lived together for 2.5 years and in August he proposed to her. They got married in a civil wedding last friday and they're doing a big church and party ceremony next year in May. They did talk about marriage but he hadn't proposed. She was stressed for the same reason and I gave her the same advice I'm giving you. Be patient. get off his back about it. He has to feel like he's the man in the relationship. And trust him. You know he loves you and you love him too. This culture of instant gratification has turned some women into ultimatum-giving wenches. He ended up proposing at the Central Park zoo by the lions den, they were alone. He's got a very big thing for lions and she loves the zoo so it was very romantic and very appropriate for them. Thank you for the response. This all is so confusing, I'm just trying to make sense out of it all. I would NEVER give him an ultimatum and put him in that type of a position. I don't need to threaten someone to marry me, nor would he ever respond positively to something like that. He'd probably break up with me. My mom told me to wait until Valentine's day is over, then it gives him like 6 months to propose (and all the holidays). I hate to be agonizing over this thing, I feel stressed from worrying about it so much. I feel scared just to even bring up weddings, so should I just lay off it? It's kind of annoying that he he can bring up weddings/marriage and be cool about it, but when I bring it up I get some smart aleck response. I don't think he realizes that he is teasing me about it, but I feel like he is. That's what the hardest part is.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Thank you for the response. This all is so confusing, I'm just trying to make sense out of it all. I would NEVER give him an ultimatum and put him in that type of a position. I don't need to threaten someone to marry me, nor would he ever respond positively to something like that. He'd probably break up with me. My mom told me to wait until Valentine's day is over, then it gives him like 6 months to propose (and all the holidays). I hate to be agonizing over this thing, I feel stressed from worrying about it so much. I feel scared just to even bring up weddings, so should I just lay off it? It's kind of annoying that he he can bring up weddings/marriage and be cool about it, but when I bring it up I get some smart aleck response. I don't think he realizes that he is teasing me about it, but I feel like he is. That's what the hardest part is. Seriously, just try to stop worrying about it. It will make it all the more special when he proposes if you aren't agonizing over it. Stop worrying about weddings, he may even be talking about it because he figures you know he wants to marry you someday. Man, I hope I can take my own advice, that sounds pretty good!
Author girlygirl25 Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Seriously, just try to stop worrying about it. It will make it all the more special when he proposes if you aren't agonizing over it. Stop worrying about weddings, he may even be talking about it because he figures you know he wants to marry you someday. Man, I hope I can take my own advice, that sounds pretty good! Thank you. You are right that he probably doesn't think he is "toying" with me when he talks about weddings. I guess after almost 2.5 years in a serious relationship I'm starting to get a tad ancy. It sucks.
SarahRose Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 How long are you willing to wait for a proposal 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? I do think it is unfair on his part to keep you in limbo. What exactly is he waiting on? Has he told you? What difference will 2 more years make from right now? Instead of asking him about marriage, just drop it and don't bring it up again. Instead, ask him if he has any plans for the next 5 years and just listen. See if you are in his plans or not. I strongly suspect he is a timewaster.
Author girlygirl25 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 How long are you willing to wait for a proposal 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? I do think it is unfair on his part to keep you in limbo. What exactly is he waiting on? Has he told you? What difference will 2 more years make from right now? Instead of asking him about marriage, just drop it and don't bring it up again. Instead, ask him if he has any plans for the next 5 years and just listen. See if you are in his plans or not. I strongly suspect he is a timewaster. Thank you for responding. I don't know what he is waiting on, truthfully. My guess is that he is not ready, although he has never directly told me that. I have not asked him about marriage at all, at least not in the form of "when are we going to get married?" Like you have suggested, I have said things to him such as that. I have asked him where he sees our future, where he sees himself. It appears that we are on the same page about things (when we want to have kids, how long we want to stay in our current city. ect). He knows that I want to get engaged, it's pretty obvious. What I can't understand is that if he isn't proposing because of the fact he is not ready then what is it? Could it be that he is scared? I don't think I'm that scary! He knows I will say yes also, so I am unsure what the hold up is. I'm in his plans for the future most definately, so what is the hold up?
manugeorge Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Let me be the one to poop on the party here. Why is it that women find it so difficult to talk to a man or even to ask him about wedding/engagement/marriage plans YET, they are pretty sure this is the love of their life, their best friend, soul mate blah blah blah that they want to be married to forever?. I don't get that. You want to marry someone you can't talk to about sensitive topics? What is the point of him being your best friend? I thought a best friend is someone you feel safe enough airing your innermost thoughts and feelings with. You know, someone you tell things you can't tell others. Even those uncomfortable, embarrassing things? How can you be ready and sure you want to marry a person, FOR LIFE, when you are so fearful of bringing up your desires, your hopes and your dreams? What is the harm in asking a simple question, "Do you see us getting married one day, when"? Is it really that you don't want to pressure him or Is it that you are just afraid that he may say he doesn't want to marry you? You have to tiptoe around him and not bring up the topic because he may just see it as pressure and decide not to propose to you anymore...ooooh, I'm scared:rolleyes: I mean think about it. It's ridiculous. This is your life, your future, something you want, if you don't chart the course yourself, who is going to chart it for you? For all you know, the guy is not even thinking marriage, not because he doesn't want to marry you but because he is just plain absent-minded. He thinks everything is ok and there you are fuming and stressing over a proposal that he's not even thinking about. Then after you've driven yourself nuts with resentment, you finally bring it up, it leads to a big fight and he says, "I did not even know you wanted to get married, why didn't you say something earlier", then what you do you say? "I expected you to read my mind"????? 2.5 years may be long enough for you but maybe it isn't for him. BUT HOW ARE YOU GOING TO KNOW THAT FOR SURE IF YOU DONT ASK HIM? Come on ladies, you are not ready for a proposal until you are ready to tell your man that you want a proposal. I know you are a woman but it IS ok for you to say, "Bob, I want to marry you, do you want to marry me? if so, WHEN?" This ain't the movies, no one is going to be looking for your ass around town with a glass slipper.
Author girlygirl25 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Wow, manugeorge, thank you for your reponse! I'm not afraid to talk to him about it, we have talked about it before. He is fully aware that I want to get married now, I've already told him. HIS response is, "I want it to be a suprise, I'm not going to tell you when I'm going to propose." So that's what I get. It's not that I'm afraid of pressuring him, I guess I just don't want to. I don't want to have to twist someone's arm to propose to me. He maintains that he wants it to be a suprise. I don't know what to do with that.
manugeorge Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Wow, manugeorge, thank you for your reponse! I'm not afraid to talk to him about it, we have talked about it before. He is fully aware that I want to get married now, I've already told him. HIS response is, "I want it to be a suprise, I'm not going to tell you when I'm going to propose." So that's what I get. It's not that I'm afraid of pressuring him, I guess I just don't want to. I don't want to have to twist someone's arm to propose to me. He maintains that he wants it to be a suprise. I don't know what to do with that. Ah my bad, didn't mean to go off, it read like you had general discussions about marriage but never anything specific. So he's told you he's going to marry you, but the proposal will be a suprise. One hurdle jumped. I don't advocate pressurring him, depsite my long rant above, however, you have to set an internal clock for yourself, i.e. how long you are willing to wait for this proposal. If that time passes and nothing yet, then perhaps a grace period, if nothing, just come right out and ask what the hold up is. If he is really serious about the whole deal, he will tell you as oppose to seeing your question as pressure. As much as suprises are awesome, it's not fair for you not to know the general frame of time when this suprise is going to come. Guys never realize that a suprise is not as exciting for a woman if she has been waiting and agonizing for it to happen. They get so caught up in suprising you that they totally lose sight of your response/feeling to the suprise- even though YOU are the one they are trying to impress with the so called suprise. A suprise is useless and joyless to the recipient if you've been holding it over her head like a dog biscuit.
Author girlygirl25 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Ah my bad, didn't mean to go off, it read like you had general discussions about marriage but never anything specific. So he's told you he's going to marry you, but the proposal will be a suprise. One hurdle jumped. I don't advocate pressurring him, depsite my long rant above, however, you have to set an internal clock for yourself, i.e. how long you are willing to wait for this proposal. If that time passes and nothing yet, then perhaps a grace period, if nothing, just come right out and ask what the hold up is. If he is really serious about the whole deal, he will tell you as oppose to seeing your question as pressure. As much as suprises are awesome, it's not fair for you not to know the general frame of time when this suprise is going to come. Guys never realize that a suprise is not as exciting for a woman if she has been waiting and agonizing for it to happen. They get so caught up in suprising you that they totally lose sight of your response/feeling to the suprise- even though YOU are the one they are trying to impress with the so called suprise. A suprise is useless and joyless to the recipient if you've been holding it over her head like a dog biscuit. Yes, I'm afraid I'm going to start building resentment because he is making me "wait." the suprise will be wonderful, but I think that if I keep feeling this way it's not going to be as wonderful becuase like you said "It's like holding a biscuit over my head like a dog."
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