What is his problem, I don't get it!

[girlygirl25]

Hello, I am new to this forum and need some help. I don't know if I am posting in the right place, but I'm hoping to get some advice.

 

My BF and I have been together for over 2 years now. I am 26 and he is 27. I really love him and he loves me. We have been living together since the beginning of April and we get along wonderfully. He is my best friend!

 

Something that is troubling me, is that I don't know if he wants to get married (or married to me). I've had a conversation about it telling him how I feel and asking him what he wants out of our relationship, but all he says is "I love you and I want our relationship to "work out." Our relationship is heading somewhere."

 

So that's what I get. If he feels that way why is he dragging his feet? He doesn't even say he isn't ready, so what is his deal? Is he just saying that stuff to satisfy me? I feel like I'm just wasting my time.

 

What should I do?

[GrnEyedGemini]

Whatever you do.... Do Not Push The Marriage Issue!!!!

 

Take it from someone who knows what can happen if you do. My bf of 3 and a half years is moving out this weekend. We're not breaking up, but we're taking a step back, a step away from marriage. Has to do with a lot more, but me pushing the marriage issue is a part of the problem.

 

So just let the relationship ride. If you have to know, have the discussion once...and have everything you want to ask thought out ahead of time so you can get all your answers at once. Ask him what his thoughts about marriage are, and where he sees you two in say, 5 years from now. Depending on his answers, you can go from there. But after the discussion, don't bring it up over and over again. It will just make him feel rushed and forced....then rebel. Like my bf.

[girlygirl25]

Whatever you do.... Do Not Push The Marriage Issue!!!!

 

Take it from someone who knows what can happen if you do. My bf of 3 and a half years is moving out this weekend. We're not breaking up, but we're taking a step back, a step away from marriage. Has to do with a lot more, but me pushing the marriage issue is a part of the problem.

 

So just let the relationship ride. If you have to know, have the discussion once...and have everything you want to ask thought out ahead of time so you can get all your answers at once. Ask him what his thoughts about marriage are, and where he sees you two in say, 5 years from now. Depending on his answers, you can go from there. But after the discussion, don't bring it up over and over again. It will just make him feel rushed and forced....then rebel. Like my bf.

 

Thank you for responding. The last thing I want to do is drive him away by pressuring him. I know he wouldnt take the pressure well, he'd probably bolt. It sounds like you are saying a talk wouldn't even be a good idea. I suppose I'm just afraid that he will never ask me and I will be a girl who is stuck in a relationship for 7 years with someone who doesn't want to get married.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love him and I shudder at the thought of ever losing him. I don't know what I would do without him, honestly. I just feel like he is going to keep putting me off and I am going to end up resenting him for it.

[Lauriebell82]

Hello, I am new to this forum and need some help. I don't know if I am posting in the right place, but I'm hoping to get some advice.

 

My BF and I have been together for over 2 years now. I am 26 and he is 27. I really love him and he loves me. We have been living together since the beginning of April and we get along wonderfully. He is my best friend!

 

Something that is troubling me, is that I don't know if he wants to get married (or married to me). I've had a conversation about it telling him how I feel and asking him what he wants out of our relationship, but all he says is "I love you and I want our relationship to "work out." Our relationship is heading somewhere."

 

So that's what I get. If he feels that way why is he dragging his feet? He doesn't even say he isn't ready, so what is his deal? Is he just saying that stuff to satisfy me? I feel like I'm just wasting my time.

 

What should I do?

 

I'm sort of in the same situation you are. I agree the best thing to do is NOT pressure him. I know that's hard, especially when HE'LL bring up marriage and weddings but isn't proposing. (my boyfriend does that, I don't know if your's does.) He started talking about how many groomsmen he's going to have in our wedding last night and I just thought to myself "ugh!"

 

Best thing you can do is just play it cool. If he starts talking about stuff like that, don't get too hyped up about it, just non-chalantly play along. I'm not sure why men talk about marriage/weddings when they haven't proposed. It's puzzling.

 

And GEG suggested, DON'T keep bugging him about it. He will feel so pressured and then he REALLY won't propose.

 

Good luck and hang in there.

[OpenBook]

Hi girlygirl, and welcome to The Shack!! Here's my take on your sitch, for what it's worth...

 

I think it's a huge mistake for any girl to live with her BF without first making a firm commitment to get married to each other... if marriage is her eventual goal. It just makes it too easy for him to take you for granted. Why should he take steps toward a permanent commitment to you when he already has everything he wants, right there in front of him?? You're taking a huge risk for yourself, and very possibly wasting your time with him. And the head games men so often play with you, when they know it's something you really want from them, dangling it in front of you all the time... it's downright cruel, IMO ("In My Opinion"), and should never be tolerated.

 

This is not the way it should be. He should be begging YOU for a commitment, and being relentless about it until he gets you to say "Yes I will marry you." And yes, that includes putting a ring on your finger!

 

In your current situation, the only effective way to bring this about is for you to start backing away from the relationship. Start being a little vague with him, noncommital, DEFINITELY start thinking and acting independently - e.g., start talking about getting your own place, start making social plans on your own without him, etc. He must see that if he continues his current path of "enjoying the milk for free" and toying with you about marriage, he will lose you. Men propose when they see you moving AWAY from the relationship, not TOWARD it.

 

Of course, there is always the risk that you & he will break up. You must be prepared for that possibility as well. Breakups are painful, but sometimes they are necessary - especially if he is not the right guy for you - and a big indicator of Mr. Wrong is someone who refuses to commit to you. No woman should wait around for her guy to decide whether he wants to marry her!! You should never be in that position.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

[Walk]

Thank you for responding. The last thing I want to do is drive him away by pressuring him. I know he wouldnt take the pressure well, he'd probably bolt. It sounds like you are saying a talk wouldn't even be a good idea. I suppose I'm just afraid that he will never ask me and I will be a girl who is stuck in a relationship for 7 years with someone who doesn't want to get married.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love him and I shudder at the thought of ever losing him. I don't know what I would do without him, honestly. I just feel like he is going to keep putting me off and I am going to end up resenting him for it.

 

You said you don't want to lose him. If he doesn't want to marry you, are you willing to end the relationship? Does it come down to marriage, or no relationship?

 

I had the same dilema you're having prior to my H proposing. And what I realized is that whether we married or not, I wanted him in my life. I was not willing to toss away this relationship for a marriage proposal.

 

However, I still really wanted him to want to make that kind of commitment to me. I have no rational explaination for this, other then I feel marriage is a way for a couple to declare to the world that they're in it for the long haul.

 

So what I settled on was explaining to my bf (this was after 4 years of dating) what I just wrote above. And that I wanted marriage, but what I really wanted was to be with him regardless of a ring or not.

 

I also realized that if I believed he could lead me on for 6, 7, 10 years then I was with the wrong man. If I felt he was capable of leading me on by hinting at something I had said I wanted yet never following through on, then I really needed to re-evaluate whether I was with the right person, or just there because it was convienent?

 

It came down to trust. I wanted marriage and didn't believe he would follow through on it. I didn't trust him. Why would he marry someone who doesn't trust him? Why marry someone who believes you'll screw them over?

 

p.s. I don't believe living with someone prior to marriage harms your chances of marriage. Both men I lived with proposed to me. My friends who lived with men while dating, are now married to those men. I don't know anyone who kept seperate residences and married without living together first.

[Shygirl15]

OpenBook, that's an excellent, very honest advice. Everything you said is very true.

[rod_in_gtown]

Hi girlygirl, and welcome to The Shack!! Here's my take on your sitch, for what it's worth...

 

I think it's a huge mistake for any girl to live with her BF without first making a firm commitment to get married to each other... if marriage is her eventual goal. It just makes it too easy for him to take you for granted. Why should he take steps toward a permanent commitment to you when he already has everything he wants, right there in front of him?? You're taking a huge risk for yourself, and very possibly wasting your time with him. And the head games men so often play with you, when they know it's something you really want from them, dangling it in front of you all the time... it's downright cruel, IMO ("In My Opinion"), and should never be tolerated.

 

This is not the way it should be. He should be begging YOU for a commitment, and being relentless about it until he gets you to say "Yes I will marry you." And yes, that includes putting a ring on your finger!

 

In your current situation, the only effective way to bring this about is for you to start backing away from the relationship. Start being a little vague with him, noncommital, DEFINITELY start thinking and acting independently - e.g., start talking about getting your own place, start making social plans on your own without him, etc. He must see that if he continues his current path of "enjoying the milk for free" and toying with you about marriage, he will lose you. Men propose when they see you moving AWAY from the relationship, not TOWARD it.

 

Of course, there is always the risk that you & he will break up. You must be prepared for that possibility as well. Breakups are painful, but sometimes they are necessary - especially if he is not the right guy for you - and a big indicator of Mr. Wrong is someone who refuses to commit to you. No woman should wait around for her guy to decide whether he wants to marry her!! You should never be in that position.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

 

Ah. Double standards... "don't let men play head games but here's a game that you should play on him on your own..." I pretty much disagree with everything you said above.

[rod_in_gtown]

Whatever you do.... Do Not Push The Marriage Issue!!!!

 

Take it from someone who knows what can happen if you do. My bf of 3 and a half years is moving out this weekend. We're not breaking up, but we're taking a step back, a step away from marriage. Has to do with a lot more, but me pushing the marriage issue is a part of the problem.

 

So just let the relationship ride. If you have to know, have the discussion once...and have everything you want to ask thought out ahead of time so you can get all your answers at once. Ask him what his thoughts about marriage are, and where he sees you two in say, 5 years from now. Depending on his answers, you can go from there. But after the discussion, don't bring it up over and over again. It will just make him feel rushed and forced....then rebel. Like my bf.

 

I agree. Don't push it. Let him know once that it is what you want and then give him time. Let him make the decision and propose. And if he brings wedding stuff without being engaged, let him know you would rather not talk about those things until you're engaged.

[Shygirl15]

In other words, moving at "his" pace? Ha! Laughable. She has done enough of that already, IMO. For God's sake, they've been dating for over 2 yrs, and the guy has not once mentioned marriage. Yeah OP, hang in there..

[rod_in_gtown]

You said you don't want to lose him. If he doesn't want to marry you, are you willing to end the relationship? Does it come down to marriage, or no relationship?

 

I had the same dilema you're having prior to my H proposing. And what I realized is that whether we married or not, I wanted him in my life. I was not willing to toss away this relationship for a marriage proposal.

 

However, I still really wanted him to want to make that kind of commitment to me. I have no rational explaination for this, other then I feel marriage is a way for a couple to declare to the world that they're in it for the long haul.

 

So what I settled on was explaining to my bf (this was after 4 years of dating) what I just wrote above. And that I wanted marriage, but what I really wanted was to be with him regardless of a ring or not.

 

I also realized that if I believed he could lead me on for 6, 7, 10 years then I was with the wrong man. If I felt he was capable of leading me on by hinting at something I had said I wanted yet never following through on, then I really needed to re-evaluate whether I was with the right person, or just there because it was convienent?

 

It came down to trust. I wanted marriage and didn't believe he would follow through on it. I didn't trust him. Why would he marry someone who doesn't trust him? Why marry someone who believes you'll screw them over?

 

p.s. I don't believe living with someone prior to marriage harms your chances of marriage. Both men I lived with proposed to me. My friends who lived with men while dating, are now married to those men. I don't know anyone who kept seperate residences and married without living together first.

 

I could not have said it better. Trust is key. Better than mind games.

[rod_in_gtown]

In other words, moving at "his" pace? Ha! Laughable. She has done enough of that already, IMO. For God's sake, they've been dating for over 2 yrs, and the guy has not once mentioned marriage. Yeah OP, hang in there..

 

I'm not saying 2 years is not a long time to be uncommital. By that time I would've already proposed. BUT given her situation and society's expectations (and don't even get me started on DeBier's disgusting marketing ploy), unless she's willing to propose, then she should be patient or break up.

[Shygirl15]

unless she's willing to propose, then she should be patient or break up.

 

Totally agree. It's time for action. Infact this is the perfect answer to:

 

What should I do?

[girlygirl25]

Wow, that was all great advice everyone, thank you! This forum is pretty cool so far!

 

I'll try to respond to everyone's advice, I'm unsure how to quote more than one person.

 

Openbook: The reason I moved in with him is because I love him and wanted to live with him. I broached the subject of marriage prior to signing the lease, and he told me he would be interested in getting married one day. I don't think living together has anything to do with him not proposing. I know he wants to get married and have a family because we have discussed it. I'm not sure what threatening to move out would do, that will not get him to propose any faster I'm sure of that. Like someone else said, he is a smart guy I think he will know I'm messing around with him.

 

Walk and Rotintown: Yes, I understand what you saying and it makes sense. I'm not ready to throw in the towel on our relationship. I love him and I am sure that he is the one for me. Married or not, I can't imagine my life without him in it.

 

Shygirl: I get what you are saying, sometimes I feel a little resentful that this IS moving at his pace. We have talked about marriage before. Last year we talked about what we wanted (marriage, children, where we would live). It was all in a general sense, but it does seem like we want the same things. Except I'm ready to get engaged now, and he obviously is not.

 

I feel like what Walk said made some sense. He's such a great guy and I want to marry HIM, not someone who will just propose to me when I want him to. I've had previous relationships that were headed towards marriage (we were talking about getting engaged) but later on in the relationship we realized that we just weren't compatible. I know my boyfriend and I are. I did some browsing on this site and found other posts started by women in similar situations. Most of the advice was for them to break up with their BF, but that was after like 8 years. Am I being too impatient here? After all 2 years is a lot different then 8!!!

[rod_in_gtown]

As a guy I'll say that I would much rather my proposal to be a surprise. And if we're talking about it then I feel she would be expecting it and that I would be complying. Patience is key. He may also be torn as to where and how. This puts a lot of stress on us because we don't want to be cheesy cliché or overdone. He might be ready but not know how to do it.

A good friend who is getting married next week has one of the best stories. Her fiancé proposed on a mountain in Hawaii after riding up in a motorcycle. Very romantic. Then on the way down after she accepted, they crashed and she broke a couple of ribs plus road rash. They love the story but it shows that not everything goes to plan.

[OpenBook]

Openbook: The reason I moved in with him is because I love him and wanted to live with him. I broached the subject of marriage prior to signing the lease, and he told me he would be interested in getting married one day. I don't think living together has anything to do with him not proposing. I know he wants to get married and have a family because we have discussed it. I'm not sure what threatening to move out would do, that will not get him to propose any faster I'm sure of that. Like someone else said, he is a smart guy I think he will know I'm messing around with him.

 

Let me make one thing perfectly clear about my advice... I'm not talking about "threatening" him or "messing around" with him. That's blackmail and I do not condone that behavior at all. I'm talking purely about self-preservation. You're in a vulnerable position to be used. Here are the steps I believe you should take to remove yourself from that vulnerable position -- start thinking and acting independently... regardless of him or his behavior. You don't have any control over his actions or choices, but you CERTAINLY have control over your own. It's all about taking back your own life, and not allowing him to decide the course of it anymore. That's all I'm saying.

[Shygirl15]

Well, experience differ. I personally would not say you're being too impatient. I got married exactly 2 years after the first time I met him (same date).

 

Some would want you to hang in there, but you're already 26, with no firm plans for marriage yet, you would still want to have kids, before 35 hopefully, so I hope you realize you have a deadline to meet if you want things to work out perfectly for you.

 

Again, I agree with OpenBook latest advice.

[girlygirl25]

Rodington: Thank you for the help. I am pretty sure that he does want it to be a suprise. He told me once last year that before his friend got engaged he took his girlfriend to try on rings and he thinks that totally takes the fun out of the suprise. He is VERY indecisive, so something as big as a proposal is not something that he is just going to "wing." I guess I just think that if he is comfortable talking about a wedding or talking about our future, then why isn't he proposing? It's just odd to me I guess.

 

Openbook: I think I see what you are saying here. I do feel a little vulnerable knowing that when I get married will be up to him, and not to me. I am a big "planner" so to speak, so not being able to know what the future holds for me is very nerve racking. I understand what you mean by being a little more independent. What can I do to be more independent?

 

Shygirl: Yes, I am feeling impatient. I never even considered setting a "deadline." Our lease is up in like 6 months I think, so that would probably be enough time for him to be ready to propose. I really don't think the issue is that we are living together either: so moving out when our lease is up is not going to get him to propose any faster.

[Lauriebell82]

I know how hard it is to be patient I really do. Is there a reason for his indecision? Like are his parents divorced? Sometimes a terrible divorce can scare guys off of getting married.

[girlygirl25]

I know how hard it is to be patient I really do. Is there a reason for his indecision? Like are his parents divorced? Sometimes a terrible divorce can scare guys off of getting married.

 

No, actually his parents have been happily married for 35 years. He has told me that he never wants to get a divorce, so since the divorce rate is so high he may be scared that he will end up that way. I just don't understand though because we are SO compatible in every way and we get along so well. We have our little fights here and there, but we always work things out. I don't ever want a divorce either, so we would both be committed to really making a marriage work.

[rod_in_gtown]

Rodington: Thank you for the help. I am pretty sure that he does want it to be a suprise. He told me once last year that before his friend got engaged he took his girlfriend to try on rings and he thinks that totally takes the fun out of the suprise. He is VERY indecisive, so something as big as a proposal is not something that he is just going to "wing." I guess I just think that if he is comfortable talking about a wedding or talking about our future, then why isn't he proposing? It's just odd to me I guess.

 

Openbook: I think I see what you are saying here. I do feel a little vulnerable knowing that when I get married will be up to him, and not to me. I am a big "planner" so to speak, so not being able to know what the future holds for me is very nerve racking. I understand what you mean by being a little more independent. What can I do to be more independent?

 

Shygirl: Yes, I am feeling impatient. I never even considered setting a "deadline." Our lease is up in like 6 months I think, so that would probably be enough time for him to be ready to propose. I really don't think the issue is that we are living together either: so moving out when our lease is up is not going to get him to propose any faster.

 

Maybe he talks abput wedding stuff to let you know that he's thinking about it as well and he's not just cruising, or "getting the milk for free" (honestly girls... Trust) if you don't trust him maybe you should just walk away.

[girlygirl25]

Maybe he talks abput wedding stuff to let you know that he's thinking about it as well and he's not just cruising, or "getting the milk for free" (honestly girls... Trust) if you don't trust him maybe you should just walk away.

 

Wow, this site is awesome, so much great advice! Yeah, I really don't think he is just "getting the milk for free." I personally despise that stupid saying. I really do trust that he will want to get married one day. He is sometimes a little dense when it comes to that type of etiquette (he doesnt have a lot of long-term relationship experience). So I don't think he realizes that talking about weddings but not proposing is confusing me.

[Lauriebell82]

Wow, this site is awesome, so much great advice! Yeah, I really don't think he is just "getting the milk for free." I personally despise that stupid saying. I really do trust that he will want to get married one day. He is sometimes a little dense when it comes to that type of etiquette (he doesnt have a lot of long-term relationship experience). So I don't think he realizes that talking about weddings but not proposing is confusing me.

 

I agree the saying is stupid. If you trust that he is not leading you on, then have some faith that he will propose to you when he is ready to do so. I'm trying to think about my situation the same way, but its hard! I know how you feel.

[girlygirl25]

I agree the saying is stupid. If you trust that he is not leading you on, then have some faith that he will propose to you when he is ready to do so. I'm trying to think about my situation the same way, but its hard! I know how you feel.

 

I believe him when he talks about marrying me. I know that 26 is not THAT old and my biological clock isn't ticking quite yet, but I still do want to get married. During our conversation regarding marriage/children he told me that he would like to have kids in his late 20's/early 30's. So that would conclude that he'd want to get married within the next year or two.

[girlygirl25]

New incident over the weekend:

 

Went out to dinner on Friday night at a mexican restaurant in our area. We were talking and I mentioned something regarding my dad making a joke about the cost of weddings (which he did) He didn't appear to be uncomfortable, however he did say "Well he doesn't have to worry about that for awhile yet." Does anyone have an idea what "awhile yet" means. I didn't ask him for clarification, as I thought that he may percieve this as pressure. I just basically dropped it after that.

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into his actions/words because I'm stressed about this. It's just so clear that we belong together, and we had the most wonderful weekend together! I'm unsure why he can't see it...

 

P.S. My best friend mentioned that he may be nervous about proposing because he knows I am expecting it. Could that be the case?