sharing insight

[eric82]

i wrote this in response to someone's post in a different section but figured i'd repost it here since it might help those of you coping:

 

this isn't about him longing for a 2nd chance with her, it's about him missing her. there's a difference. i can definitely relate. brace yourself, this is going to be a long one...

 

here's what i think it comes from. us missing a person isn't even really about that person, it's about ourselves. it's about us missing the way we felt in that relationship.

 

my ex-ex ended things almost 2 years ago and now has a son with her boyfriend (her boyfriend ironically has the same name as me, how's that for some nice icing on the cake). knowing that she has had a baby with someone else, i could never go back, and yet for some odd reason i still miss her. it's crazy. i can only assume she's happy with the life she has chosen and i'm glad for her because really that's what i want for her more than anything: happiness.

 

with all that said, it still doesn't change the fact that i still miss her and at the same time wonder why i miss her. sure i have come a long way since the end of that relationship, so much so that i'm sure no one would suspect that deep down i could still be somewhat hung up on losing her, but not a day has gone by that i haven't thought about her and wondered if she ever thinks about me.

 

i continue to think of her not because i long for her but because she meant so much to me. in essence, my heart is still processing the reality of her departure from my life. in reality, my brain knows it is what it is, no matter what things could have been.

 

note i keep saying things in relation to me, because really that's what getting over someone is all about, it's personal. i felt loved. i fell for her. i believed her when she said "i love you" first. i felt hurt when she withdrew emotionally and then left. i struggled to make sense of it all. i blamed myself a lot. i got and still get frustrated with myself for not moving on yet or quickly as i think i should, especially since i know we're both better off. without her i have learned so much about myself and life, and i'm sure she's better off without me in her life because she's happy with her baby and her relationship. so why my lingering feelings?

 

i think what these feelings of missing her come down to is i miss who she was to me (who i pictured her to be), the wonderful feelings i had with her (that connection, appreciation, trust, happiness, love, whatever you want to call all of it), and all the potential i saw with her. i know that someday i'll find some other lucky woman to go through all this with again and go through all the heartache and disappointment with again too . hey, as they say, stress builds character and a life without pain is not worth living.

 

by leaving, she taught me a lot about myself and for that i'm grateful. i see now that all love comes from within one's self and thus no matter what happens in my life, my love can't be given or taken away by anyone but myself. this is both empowering and liberating.

 

but i must admit, trying to make sense of why i still miss her is still very confusing. some times i laugh at myself for how obsessive and scary it is to still have her recycling in my mind after this long. it's no wonder she's gone, who wants that kind of overwhelming pressure? some times i feel crazy and pathetic for still shedding tears over her, since i know in my heart that she's not doing the same over me, she's long past moved on. but i just keep reminding myself that every tear from my eye or sigh in my breathe i may feel still deep down was never about her, it's always been and always will be about me. each time i miss her is a personal affirmation of the depth of how much i can truly care about someone, and each and every time i let myself loose is another step closer to my personal growth and recovery. i was brave enough to let her into my heart, i'm brave enough to let her go. healing just takes time.

 

emotionally charged associations are very difficult to break and redefine. no use in beating myself up over it. some times i fear that i have become so used to recycling these memories and feelings that i have become more comfortable dwelling on my past with her than getting over it. this is especially the case whenever i'm driving home by myself after having a fun night out with friends. i can't help but some times feel lonely and sad. perhaps it's because it reminds me of the funner times i used to have with her, but more often it's not on that conscious of a level. i have accepted there is no us and will never be again, my heart just needs more time to catch up than it seems most people do. like i said, healing is personal. during these times i tend to remind myself that my fun and happiness never started nor ended with just her or any one person or romantic relationship i have been in, and that i'll be fine by myself. some times i wonder if subconsciously, my thoughts revert back to her out of some twisted form of guilt for moving on, a dark craving for familiar heartache.

 

emotions and relationships are strange. i showed her parts of myself that i have never shown anyone else, not even my closest family members and friends and i have dealt with deaths in my immediate family including sudden unexpected fatal heart attack, cancer, and unforseen suicide. i have always been the private type that shows little emotion. but not with her, i wanted her to know the real me inside. i guess that's why losing her hit me so hard, i felt like she knew me better than anyone. turns out i guess she didn't. that was just the way i felt. oh well, it's the past and life always goes on.

 

if anything, i have learned that healing isn't something that you do, it's something that just happens. there's no need to rush it, just take it as it comes. sure it may take longer than expected or wanted, but recovery happens on its own timeline and eventually it happens regardless of whether you're trying. quite frankly, i'm looking forward to getting on with my life.

[seminoles84]

Great post.

 

I feel the exact same way. I believe that people just take different amounts of time to heal and move on than others.. there's nothing wrong with being on the longer end of the spectrum. I think it just shows how much love you have to offer others and that's a positive thing in my book!

 

Great post once again.

[wareagle]

Excellent post! You have read my mind! Thank you!!