Cabernet34 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Hi everyone. I guess I am just feeling the pain a little and wanted to get this off my chest. In October, I met the one. I sat beside her on a plane, we exchanged emails and began getting to know each other. She was from my hometown in the South, but was living in Michigan for one year, supposed to move back home in July. In nutshell, we saw each other 2 to 6 days each month. Several times, we spent 4 or 5 days together, 24/7. Just trying to gauge if we were compatible or not. And we were. No doubt I was head over heals. Just before it was time for her to move on, she had a huge carreer opportunity, but it would take her to upstate NY for 4 years. She couldn't accept it unless she knew that i was coming up too, which meant marriage. 7 Months of an LDR wasn't enough time for me, but we were forced to make a decision. I couldn't ask her to not take the opportunity. I told her that by 2009, I would leave my job, try to have my house sold, we would marry, and I would move (Her career was far more lucrative than mine). Gave her a ring in later June. Three weeks ago, she started acting a little different. Her job was more than stressfull. She was all alone up there. I had taken note that I sensed her becoming emotionaly drained. Then, just as I was about to tell work and put my house up for sale, she said she needed space. I gave her some space, but I could not get her to tell me what was wrong. We would talk shortly every few days, along with ocassional emails. But she has become more distant and more distant. Now, she doesn't return emails or calls. Haven't heard a word from her in the last 6 days. I feel like since we are engaged, that I am owed an explanation? Two times, she even made up and excuse (I'm pretty sure she lied) for me to not come up there. Now I have all of this airfair I'm just sitting on. I nkow taht her mother is very controlling, and that her mom and sis were against us doing this. Last time I saw her, she was crying so hard that I was leaving. All of this has happened since then. some signs point to her meeting someone else. It just doesn't seem like her at all, but I'm sure that I am blind and it hurts to think that might be the case. I'm inclined to believe that mom and sis have gottn to her and convinced her that it would be for the best if we just didn't do it. A couple of days ago, against my heart, I sent her a letter that maybe it was for the best, and that if she didn't love me, then we were both cheating ourselves. It's just hard for me to move on when I still have no explanation of what happened since the last time we saw each other. I'm afraid that I will never hear from her again. Although she has my ring, and a washer and dryer and two window unit A/C's that I bought for her about 8 weeks ago (thinking I would be using them too!). I don't know. Just sad. I guess I will wait about a month to see if she responds to my letter, then I'll need to re-address the ring and 1500 that I hope she will pony up for. I would eat the 1500, but I am already eating 1200 in moving expenses plus 900 in airfare. Any advice?
Touche Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 What a horrible thing to have to go through. I feel for you. What kind of advice are you looking for though? I would try to get your ring back. She owes you that much. It's good that you found out about her now instead of later.
tealeafbud Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 she needs to be more honest with you. I know you probably love her, but if she can't even reply to your calls or emails, something is probably up. Maybe she met someone. It is a very real and definite possibility.
journey1 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Doesnt always mean they have met someone. It depends on the emotional baggage in your relationship as well. Maybe she is just at a breaking point with the stress of it and the thinking of it and everything that comes with it! Maybe she is just trying to see if being without you completely will lead her to missing you and needing you more than ever. She is prob testing herself. (In my opinion, youre already LDR....she could cheat if she wanted to. Its not like she has to go NC because she met someone. In fact, she can hide another person as she dated you if she wanted. So I dont think its necessarily means another person in your case!!!!!
seminoles84 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 That's horrible man! I don't have much advice but I'll give you my take of the situation. Obviously I'm taking this from the info just from your post and there probably is much more to the story. Starting a new job has got to be stressful! Moving to a new city, trying to just familiarize yourself with the whole scene can be stressful. I'm being optimistic here and hoping/agreeing with Journey here and think maybe she's trying to figure herself out right now.. because these are life decisions and 7 months LDR would be a big step into marriage! I'd give her some space.. I know you want answers but you got to put yourself in her shoes. If she does decide to end the R. You should get your stuff back if possible. Best of luck to you! Let us know what happens!
Author Cabernet34 Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Thanks for the replies. Yes, there are more small details along the way. And it is great that I'm getting enlightened before we make the jump. At this point, I'm a pretty forgiving person, but building trust and respect doesn't happen overnight. if we were dating it would be one thing, but being engaged, there must be a huge level of respect, and ignoring me is just not acceptable. I will say though, that she is an introverted person. she deals with things on the inside, and I am learning to just what extent that she does that. She is in an extremely stressful work environment righ now. I just can't go forward with the fear that communication is lacking at all. There can be no exceptions there. I want to think that she wouldn't take on that extra load of having my ring and seeing someone, while she is depressed about being in a big city all alone and having to work so hard and long hours. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it can only go so far. Odd thing is, I got an email from her just after i posted this. First contact in 6 days.
seminoles84 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Yes. Trust is crucial. You can not be in a relationship with someone none the less marry someone if you can't trust them and communicate.
wareagle Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 She is doing someone else man! Sorry to be so blunt!
D-Lish Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Thanks for the replies. Yes, there are more small details along the way. And it is great that I'm getting enlightened before we make the jump. At this point, I'm a pretty forgiving person, but building trust and respect doesn't happen overnight. if we were dating it would be one thing, but being engaged, there must be a huge level of respect, and ignoring me is just not acceptable. I will say though, that she is an introverted person. she deals with things on the inside, and I am learning to just what extent that she does that. She is in an extremely stressful work environment righ now. I just can't go forward with the fear that communication is lacking at all. There can be no exceptions there. I want to think that she wouldn't take on that extra load of having my ring and seeing someone, while she is depressed about being in a big city all alone and having to work so hard and long hours. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it can only go so far. Odd thing is, I got an email from her just after i posted this. First contact in 6 days. What did the e-mail say? I think I'd be pretty angry if I was in your position. An explanation is warranted if you are in prep of selling your house and leaving your job... Ever thought of taking control of the situation by letting her know this is unacceptable, and you've decided you want a break to figure out if this relationship is right for YOU?
Author Cabernet34 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Honestly, I am angry. I guess I am just really in love with her. Her email to me was nothing, just how are you doing. That's it. Her communication has been short with me for about 3 weeks now. Whatever it is she is dealing with, she isn't showing me a lot of respect in the process. And like I said she has a huge load on her right now, so I don't doubt things are tough on her, but still. I have expressed to her that I feel that i'm owed an explanation, but it just pushed her farther away. We had some obstacles. There would be some silver lining on my end as far as staying home and keeping what I've worked for, but you know how things go, if something is just out of your reach and you can't have it, you seem to really really want it. It's tough to believe she isn't up there hanging out with someone else more convenient. And that eats at me pretty hard, but I tell myself it isn't worth it.
Author Cabernet34 Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Well, It's been 6 days since my original post. Not sure why I am updating everyone.... maybe just so that I can write about it quickly so I can get stuff off my chest. Since her last email, which was nothing more than a "how are you", of which I replied, "doing well", I haven't heard from her. I haven't tried to contact her either. I am doing better and better every day. I guess I should read into it that she just isn't interested anymore. I feel like I am close to the point where i can begin moving on. Only problem is, I still have no explanation, and she still has the ring. Now I don't expect her to keep the ring. I don't think she would do that. I wince when I get home in the afternoon, looking for the sign of a package at my door at home. I hope that when I get my ring back, it is face to face, and that we can have a conversation at that time. I dread the thought of just finding the ring in my mailbox one day. I've had urges to reach out to her, but when i think about it, I know that it would not be worth it. The ball is in her court I suppose. The thing is, I believe she is really depressed and although she's been disrespectful towards me by shutting off communication while she is 1,000 miles away while we are/were engaged, I just feel that she needs some support. I guess that is my delima. I feel like she really needs support right now. Fact is, she doesn't want my support so i can't force it. I really don't know why I am posting! I guess I had hoped to hear from her by now but I had not. I need to stick with the NC though, that's for sure. I just don't want to find my ring in a fed ex package when I get home today!
Karma101 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I am in the process of NC after a very recent, and painful, break up. And after the uncomfortable break up conversation. You are engaged. Certainly you are owed that much. I'd contact her and bluntly ask her what's going on. At least then you'll know for sure and have some sense of closure. And then, no contact. I will never understand men and women who do not have the guts to have that break up conversation and just disappear instead. Heck, you didn't even get the post-it note/text break up. How disrespectful. You deserve better!
Author Cabernet34 Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 Thanks for posting Karma. I have asked her bluntly what was happening several times. All she told me is that, "maybe it's for the best". I asked her about her feelings for me. I also asked her what our relationship had meant to her. She would not talk about these things. Said she wasn't ready yet. Then she sort of shut it down. Many unreturned emails and phone calls later, I had to quit asking her to be up front. I guess all I can do is wait. She mentioned coming back home soon and we would talk then. But her job just doesn't give her much of a chance to fly home for a couple of days. I feel like that was just a cop-out anyway. I'm all for having face to face converstations, but when you are 1,000 miles apart and don't know when you wil see each other again, maybe some honest over the telephone is your only option. I guess we will see. I'm likely to post an update later just to make me feel a little better.
movingonandon Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 if you can afford it, forget everything baout the ring and the other expenses and just don't try to contact her. the odds were against you since the very beginning, and frankly, it's kinda surprising that you got that far...
Author Cabernet34 Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 if you can afford it, forget everything baout the ring and the other expenses and just don't try to contact her. the odds were against you since the very beginning, and frankly, it's kinda surprising that you got that far... Thanks for the advice. Can I afford it? Well, I could keep eating without getting the ring back. And the ring is paid for. Still, I spent over 6 grand on it so I want it back. I'm proud, but not that proud! Besides, I can't imagine she would want to keep it.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Wow, sounds like my recent fiance to the T. Like you, mine did exactly the same thing but I was on the other end. She met someone on her stressful job and it escalated until I found out she was involved with someone who live out the state. Turns out she was flying out of town to go see this guy while my poor self was at our home thinking everything was just fine. I took the ring back one day before I moved out, then she proceeded to threaten me with breaking and entering and stealing the ring back. After a while, she was calling me crying saying she missed me and wanted to get back together. So dumba$$ me, I took the ring back to her and of course it was all bunch of crap, she started pulling the same crap again and wound up vacillating between me and another guy. Sorry for the hijack but I'm trying to make a point. In most states the donor gets the ring back by law if no wedding was executed. So, I would get the ring back if I were you. Also, the words "I need space" generally translate to "I found someone else". Sorry you are having to deal with this, but a lesson learned here is you can't really trust anybody unfortunately. Many women these days pull this kind of crap all the time, and leave the poor guy hanging. Cheers!
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