BleuStar Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I've been reading everyone's posts for a few days now and love it here. This place has made me laugh and forget about my situation for the short time that I've been here. The thread about how men over 30 yrs old should settle was very funny. I'd like to get some encouragement for my story....I've only been dating this man for 4 months, we've been friends for a few years before that. He's probably the worst man I've ever dated in my life. He was fine for the first few weeks and then after that he just became so sarcastic, making fun of me, pointing out all my flaws, etc. He's basically a hermit/loner and doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything. I looked up emotional abuse online and the things he says to me fit it almost exactly. The worst part? I continued to stay with him thinking it would change. Well, we broke up a few weeks ago and I thought I'd be fine, but then he contacted me and I went back to him. So it's only been a few weeks now and of course he's back to making comments to me (for example, I had my hair pulled back in a ponytail one day and he said 'What's with the hair in a ponytail? Trying to show off your gray hair?') It's things like that he says that just really bother me. I'm 30 years old and he makes me feel like I'm some unattractive undesirable old woman. I know he is horrible for me and I know I need to get rid of him. Well, a few days ago a co-worker of his passed away and I told him if he needed to talk that I'd be there for him. Well, I haven't heard from him for 3 days now, and part of me is glad that he hasn't contacted me and part of me is sad, but I have no idea why. I'm all ready to tell him that I don't want to be with him anymore, but I'm waiting for him to make contact with me first. But it's like one day I'm fine and ready to be without him, and the next I'm all sad and ready to forgive him. What is wrong with me??? Why can't I get away from this horrible man? And the sad part is, it's only been a four months of dating. And yes, I know that if he is like this now, he'll only be worse later on. But I can't stay away from him. I'm kind of hoping he got 'mad' at me for something and isn't going to call me anymore...that way the problem can just go away. I feel like I'm really messed up in the head because I know this man is bad for me and I should run away and for some reason I can't. Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Author BleuStar Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Well I did it. He called today and I didn't answer the call and I haven't called him back. I feel sad and just want to call him, but I can't do it. I'll just be letting myself down again.
citizen67 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Bleu - I kept getting back w/ a guy who treated me really bad and now I'm 40. The advice I am giving myself is, don't waste anymore time. If you arent good enough to yourself to insist on not being mistreated than you are part of the problem. Decide how you want to be treated and then refuse to accept less. I think you sometimes feel sad even though it is an improvement of your life to be out of the relationship, b/c it takes your emotions some time to catch up with the rational part of you, but it will. In the meantime try to keep busy doing things that are good for you, and bring you pleasure. And good for you for not taking his call!
verve Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Have more respect for yourself! I'm guessing maybe you're afraid to be alone. Well don't be, believe me there are so so many men out there would would love you and treat you right. Do not waste your time with this abusive loser jerk, he will never change and being with him will only cause you pain and hurt. Just get some distance from him right now and begin to heal, and don't forget to love yourself, you didn't do anything to deserve him treating you like that.
sid3 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 YEAH i AGREE. Don't stick around for this jerk to keep putting you down. Being with the wrong person can suck the life right out of you. I too made the mistake of going back to someone who did not trreat me as well as I should be. Your sad because you realise now that this person isn't who they led you to believe they were. Such is life. I't may suck for the time being but it will get better and you'll look back and think wow, I dodged a bullet with that creep.......it's ok to fake it til you make it. It really does work.
sedgwick Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 It is NEVER okay for someone to put their partner down the way this man is doing to you. I always say that when someone has that strong of a need to make someone else feel bad, it's because *they* feel bad about themselves and the only thing that gives them a sense of power is to project their own self-hatred onto someone else. I have a friend who is absolutely gorgeous. She's also a dominatrix, and quite successful in her field -- she goes around the country teaching classes to other dommes. For those of you who may not know, dommes DO NOT have sex with their clients; they usually stay dressed throughout the session. This woman is also a respected bellydancer and is going to nursing school. She also does a lot of fetish modeling. She always invited her ex to go with her to photo shoots, because he seemed to think she was doing porn, and she wanted to show him she wasn't. He always refused, preferring instead to deride her for being "a whore." They're both in their late 30s, and due to a lifetime of dance, yoga, and vegetarianism, she looks AMAZING, and a good 10 years younger. He, on the other hand, lives on meat and never exercises. He also drinks a lot and is starting to have that puffy, bloated look heavy drinkers eventually get. But he made fun of her looks CONSTANTLY. Once when she wasn't wearing makeup he said to her, "You're starting to look like an *old* whore." I mean, just horrible horrible things he said to her. Eventually she left him, thank god. But the moral of the story is that this guy was a frustrated writer with no job, and she was working, performing, and going to school. He couldn't handle it that she was obviously too good for him. It took her a while to recover from his verbal abuse, but now, a few years later, she's doing much better, and as far as I know he's still sitting around trying to write a book. I hope this will help you see that people who are secure in themselves don't need to berate other people. You can do SOOOO much better than this guy! I know it's hard to believe that when someone has beaten down your confidence, but really, you are.
Author BleuStar Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Thanks for your replies....I actually did it today and I feel good so far (that is until i'm sitting at home tonight with nothing to do and get sad!) He came into my work today and bought some stuff...he was dressed up nice because he was going to a funeral (his friend at work passed away) and we made a little small talk and I was going to break it off with him right there but couldn't do it, it was awkward. So then he left and waved to me from his car....so I decided that now was the time or else I'd get sucked in again. I sent him a text a few minutes after he left saying that I can't see him anymore because it's not working out for me. So a few minutes later (he must have been driving while texting me back) he wrote: "Where did that come from? So you're going to have the last word. If that's what you want. It all makes sense now." (We broke up a few weeks ago and I decided I wanted him back, so he thinks I wanted to get back together so I could be the one to break up with him) So I wrote something about how it's not about having the last word, I'm tired of only seeing him when I'm at work, blah blah blah. And he never responded. Good. I hope it's over! BUT, I feel like a total ass, like I'm the worst person in the world. I broke up with him through TEXT MESSAGE while he was on his way to a FUNERAL! lol it kind of makes me laugh because of all he put me through. But I still feel bad. I'm glad it's over with. I hope. As long as he doesn't contact me. I have the best friend in the world though. When he called me yesterday, my friend grabbed my cell phone from me, wouldn't let me answer it, and held on to it for 2 hours until I got over the urge to call him back. Friends are everything.
Author BleuStar Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 They're both in their late 30s, and due to a lifetime of dance, yoga, and vegetarianism, she looks AMAZING, and a good 10 years younger. He, on the other hand, lives on meat and never exercises. He also drinks a lot and is starting to have that puffy, bloated look heavy drinkers eventually get. But he made fun of her looks CONSTANTLY. Once when she wasn't wearing makeup he said to her, "You're starting to look like an *old* whore." I mean, just horrible horrible things he said to her. Eventually she left him, thank god. But the moral of the story is that this guy was a frustrated writer with no job, and she was working, performing, and going to school. He couldn't handle it that she was obviously too good for him. It took her a while to recover from his verbal abuse, but now, a few years later, she's doing much better, and as far as I know he's still sitting around trying to write a book. That jerk reminds me of what this guy would say to me. And the funny thing is...I'm a freelance writer trying to make it full-time, and this guy has brought me down so much that I was worrying more about him than my writing! I've been in a depression and haven't been working on any of my projects, therefore not making money! I've felt good the past few days though, when I made up my mind that I HAD to get rid of him, and since then I've become motivated to write again. And it's sad that I write articles about how to meet men, when I can't even take my own advice! Thanks for your words. I know I'm not the only one out there in an abusive relationship, but it's good to hear stories about what has happened to others in similar situations. If they can get out, so can I.
sedgwick Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I'm a writer myself. Sold my first book a year ago and I'm now busting ass to finish it! It's totally possible if you work hard -- like, harder than you ever thought you could work. Just keep on writing!!! Have you ever read "Wild Mind" or "Writing Down the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg, or "The Situation and the Story" by Vivian Gornick? All EXCELLENT books on how to be a writer!
Author BleuStar Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 No, never read those, although I've read tons of books on writing...I'll have to go check those out. I've been working on my novel on and off for about 3 years, but am more into writing non-fiction articles. Started out writing children's stories, sold a few of those and switched to articles. I should have a story coming out soon in Highlights for Children, but they have a long wait time from acceptance to publication. Glad to meet another writer though. It gets lonely out here sometimes
Author BleuStar Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Okay, so I haven't heard from him in 2 days since I sent him the dreaded 'text breakup'. So today, he comes into my work (I wasn't there) and bought whatever he bought and stood around talking to my mom. I don't mind if he talks to anyone in my family (he has no one, doesn't talk to his family and has no friends) but it makes me wonder why he came in there, knowing that my family knows we aren't together anymore. I don't hate him and don't want him to hate me, because I feel bad about breaking up with him the way I did. I don't want him back, but I need no contact right now so I don't fall into the same trap as before. And no contact means not even coming into my work to chitchat with my parents. I am weak right now, and if he said he wanted to try again, I would do it. Which makes me wonder why he's still coming into my work like nothing happened and is talking to my parents. Sorry, just had to vent about that.
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