iluvpink Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Hi there I have posted here before and love this site to bits and wouldn't have coped as well without it. I was married for nearly 21 years to the love of my life. He has been suffering with depression for nearly 2 years and left me almost six months ago. Recently he told me he was going off all medication and moving interstate. He also said if he was still alive in a weeks time he'd call me. Well after being worried sick about him for most of the week i found out that he was still living locally and had no intention of going anywhere. He is always ringing me saying he is going to end his life. He says things like this to me all the time but when he is at work he seems really happy and normal. He has been hanging around a new group of friends since he ditched me and has been acting like his normal happy self around them. He hasn't contributed to our children either emotionally or financially and has no intention of doing so. How can a loving husband and father change overnight so dramitically and be a completely different person to what they were for 20 years? I really don't get it is he the person i once knew or is he always going to be the self obsessed person he is now? I feel really sad about this situation that i find myself and my children in and never thought this would happen to us in a million years. My younger two children aren't coping at all as they miss there dad heaps and as much as i try i can't be the dad and the mum. I am feeling really hurt and starting to get really angry that he could treat us like this. He doesn't seem to care that his children are hurting over this. He thinks this is all about him and doesn't care that his actions are hurting us. How long does it take for the hurting to stop and to get over something like this especially after being together for such a long time? Me and my kids are all in counselling but i'm just wondering from others that have been in a similar situation how your kids coped in the long run, are they going to have permanent scars from this? How long does it take and do kids adjust to having just one parent? Appreciate any advice you can offer. Thanks Beth
TrustInYourself Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 What has your reaction been to him? What are your interactions like? Does he communicate with you? Do you force communication since he doesn't communicate? When you fight what happens?
Author iluvpink Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Hi there TIY i haven't pushed any issues. We don't fight because he won't communicate if i'm really lucky i'll get a text off him. i usually only hear from him when he upsets someone or gets himself into trouble. I have asked him to talk with me about the kids but he refuses. He left without any explanation just said he needed to sort himself out. He just lies when he does contact me about whatever he seems to dream up at the time. I have told him the kids need some sort of stability off him but he won't even agree to a phone call every week. Our youngest child is 5 and is a boy and is really struggling so is our 10year old daughter but he thinks this is all about him. I have given up on us ever being together again because of the lies but the children are struggling. He is the complete opposite of what he has been like for the last 23 years - it's hard to understand and accept...
Nomad1 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 When people change overnight is when there is someone else involved. Trust me I have been through that ****, after 17 years and 3 kids! She chose to have an affair with the most unsuitable person you could think of! What you need to do is cut him loose. Yes you need to start acting and living as though he was never a part of your life. Don't answer his calls, emails etc. Start afresh, anew, whatever! You know that is the only way, so do it. Stop thinking about that mother f*****. It is the only way. Take care Nomad
pelicanpreacher Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Luvpink, Since you have no intention of resuming efforts to reconcile with your WAH then you need to take a more threatening and combative tone and stance on any future communications with him. First thing's first is to seek legal council to secure child support for both children and then push full steam ahead for a divorce to extract alimony for yourself. Make him know, in no uncertain terms, that if he fails to meet his financial obligations to you or your children you will use all means at your disposal to have him thrown in prison as a "deadbeat dad" so Bubba can pack his fudge until he either understands you mean business or he turns gay! You can no longer enable his aberrant behavior with amicable communication for he's using you as his emotional punching bag for his own sick amusement. Make yourself scarce and unavailable to his manipulations while letting him know that you'll soon be loving it up with another man on the hard sweat of his healthy dime! See how he likes them apples!
TrustInYourself Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Hi there TIY i haven't pushed any issues. We don't fight because he won't communicate if i'm really lucky i'll get a text off him. i usually only hear from him when he upsets someone or gets himself into trouble. I have asked him to talk with me about the kids but he refuses. He left without any explanation just said he needed to sort himself out. He just lies when he does contact me about whatever he seems to dream up at the time. I have told him the kids need some sort of stability off him but he won't even agree to a phone call every week. Our youngest child is 5 and is a boy and is really struggling so is our 10year old daughter but he thinks this is all about him. I have given up on us ever being together again because of the lies but the children are struggling. He is the complete opposite of what he has been like for the last 23 years - it's hard to understand and accept... If hes unwilling to make time for the children take them away from him. If he wants it to be all about himself, give him exactly that. If he doesnt want to communicate, resist communicating with him unless it pertains to the children or actions to end your marriage or work on your marriage. Simply put, let him work through his mess on his own if thats the way he wants it. That should allow you time to figure out what you want and time for him to figure out what he wants. If he is suffering from depression or midlife crisis, he is going to make irrational sometimes emotional decisions. Its up to you to decide on how you would like to react to those crazy decisions.
Author iluvpink Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Thanks everyone that replied. I still feel really sad - counsellor says i'm grieving - but i'm really angry with H at present. He left says i have to change my attitude and everything is my fault - it's been nearly 6 months and he won't talk face to face. When he left he took the family car and left me with nothing - i have started a job and bought a second hand car to get to work and take the kids out in. He found out about it yesterday and he is now furious. He called in to see the kids as it was father's day yesterday and blew up about the car. We haven't argued in front of the kids and they were really upset cause before he left he yelled and said that i just lost the kids their father and until i change he won't be back. I feel like the man i married walked out and died and this person is a stranger - he is just so the opposite of the man i married and that's what is so hard to accept. He has new friends which are trouble and says i have to accept them in my life. They are a bunch of losers and want nothing to do with them and don't want them near my kids. The friends i have now have been my rock and i wouldn't have done as well without them They are nothing like his previous friends which he has also been lying to. We have four kids and they are all struggling in different ways but he still thinks this is all about him. He is now threatening me and anyone that i talk to including his own family so i feel guilty about that. I am now going to take some of the above advice. I sent him a text and told him to stay away, leave us alone. This is what started him making threats but i think it is just talk. I was so much stronger when he called in yesterday i have never stood up to him the way i did and it felt really good and shocked him too - he couldn't leave fast enough. I will never understand how someone can change so much - i'm not sure if it is a mental illness or what. Thanks for listening to me pratel on. Take care all.
TrustInYourself Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Good for you, just be careful. If he's making threats you have grounds to get a restraining order. It's good that you are standing up to him, but just watch out for your health and safety and the health and safety of your children. You need to convey your concerns to professional health and ensure Mr Hyde doesn't lose it. Take care and best wishes.
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