2cold2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Last night MM called and we chatted for a while. Talked about ordinary things, nothing special, did not schedule any date or anything, at the end he said " talk to you later". I panicked and after the call I turned off my mobile phone because he keeps texting me and yesterday I was just too confused (as I am today) and didn't want to get any text from him last night. I slept terribly of course and woke up to no text from him. I should be happy but I am not. He is going abroad for a week and I have texted him saying that we should take that time to try NC. He answered back saying he can't handle that right now. My option is to turn off my mobile phone. However, that would cause the rest of my contacts to NOT be able to call me. So I would have to cope with having it turned on but not answering his messages. Then I thought "as in any other addiction you have to WANT to quit". And I don't want to quit right now. Then I look at my children and think that I HAVE to quit. This has started a month ago, could it be that as it is too recent and new I don't want to end this? Does it get easier as time goes by? Or do things get worse to end after a while? I keep trying to look for flaws in him but I am so obsessed that I can't find any, geez and must he have flaws, just like I do, starting by the first one: we're both cheaters.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Yes you are right - I think you have to WANT to quit, you say you are not ready to quit right now but you gotta do it & have to make yourself want to do it. I think there is a feature on most cell phones where you can block certain numbers - his messages/calls will not even reach you if you block him. That way you can still keep the phone switched on to communicate with everyone else as normal. Do you use email as well? If so it might be an idea to do the same thing to his email address. Not sure about the finer details of your situation, I will have to read your previous threads but if this A is going nowhere, causing you heartache & MM telling you lies then going NC will save you further pain. It may be more difficult in the short term but how can you ever really move on if you still hear from him? He will just keep you hanging on. So is he going on vacation with his W?
Owl Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Contact your mobile phone company, and tell them that you need to block his number.
Kamille Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Affairs are confusing. I "quit" mine before it had a chance to start and that is an acheivement I'm proud of. I can't say from experience if it gets easier - but at the time when I was having an EA with a married man, I found LS and the stories in this section made me realize how painful affairs were. So I doubt they get easier. I think the way to do it isn't so much to find "flaws" with him. Two reasons: the first - everyone has flaws but right now you are in an infatuation period. The second: by trying to find flaws with him, you're putting your focus on him, thinking about him and enabling your addiction. As with anything else, the best thing to do when your thoughts turn to him is to force yourself to think about something else. So yes, you'll have to want to quit.
wildsoul Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I understand what you mean by "want to quit." Yet at the same time, the very definition of an addiction is something that we should quit but can't. The wanting to quit that you describe is usually only arrived at after consequences, bottoming out, have made one miserable. But the point is not to ride out the addiction towards a soul crushing bottom. The point is to move your boundary up to a less destructive level. That said, there is something to be said for knowing when to go cold turkey and when to try a more moderate approach. An addicts way of thinking tends towards extremes: On or Off. Personally, I've had times where cold turkey was the only way to go. Lesser measures failed. Yet I've also had times (like recently) where I did better to ease into it. The full NC was setting me up for failure because I didn't really mean it. I was doing it because everyone was telling me I should. When I modified, by not contacting him as a rule (that I was able to keep) then slowly I got better at not responding to him. I didn't do as well with not reading his messages, but I would delay reading them until I was in a clear head. I knew the times when I was too vulnerable to read them. You're going to have to find your own path. But I will caution you against the junkie mindset of "one last binge before I quit." Doing a fade (light contact) or cold turkey (NC) are both steps in the right direction. So do decide on a plan of action that gets you healthy.
Ronni_W Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Then I look at my children and think that I HAVE to quit. Your "costs" of not quitting him have to be far greater than the benefits of staying with him. It has to hurt MUCH MORE than the pleasure it brings. Since you've identified your kids as the source from which your courage to quit might flow, perhaps you want to explore that more? Really flesh-out all the negatives and sacrifices that your continued participation will demand your kids to suffer and "pay" on your behalf. (Does that make sense?) Could be your emotional absence, perhaps loss of some financial resources, maybe your stress and obsession with your addiction makes you more irritable and impatient with them, etc. Work up as long and detailed a list as you can, of how your addiction is negatively impacting your kids. If you can't decide if it's a negative, put it down anyway. Then see where you are. (((hugs)))
Author 2cold2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Thank you all for your advice. I've read all your words and so much makes sense. heartbroken, he does not go on vacation with her, only with his child. Of course, this stupid me had to fall in his arms this afternoon. I have totally fallen in love with MM and I just feel weak when I am with him. I don't feel miserable but happy, not really for the sex but for the moments together, the cuddling, the hugs, the words. I am so in love with him it's obsessive... Wildsoul, after this afternoon cold turkey would be too much. Your suggestion is more appealing at this stage.
lkjh Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I hope this man means more to you than your children because it is there lives you are really messing up. How are you ever going to teach them about love and responsibility when this is how you are acting?
phoenixrising Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 ... from someone who started where you are, and didn't end it until 4 years later - yes, the longer you wait the more it will hurt. I understand how you feel, but trust me it will feel 1000X worse 4 years from now. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be the same person...
Author 2cold2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 ... from someone who started where you are, and didn't end it until 4 years later - yes, the longer you wait the more it will hurt. I understand how you feel, but trust me it will feel 1000X worse 4 years from now. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be the same person... I am sorry. Thank you for your words. I will have to wake up to reality...
Kamille Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I should be happy but I am not. He is going abroad for a week and I have texted him saying that we should take that time to try NC. He answered back saying he can't handle that right now. I posted on your thread yesterday right before leaving work and then when I was walking home I remembered the above part of your OP. I just read all your post to find out if there was any valid reasons why "he cannot handle" NC right now. 2cold, you do realize his answer means he is being selfish and disrespecting the boundaries you're trying to set for your own sake right? If you were single and asking a guy for space and he said "he couldn't handle it", wouldn't that be a turn off? Realizing that my MM was being selfish by ignoring my attempts at NC and my efforts to avoid having an affair is what ultimately gave me the strenght to quit it.
porter218 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Maybe you should try setting a personalized ringer for him...make it silent. And make the alert for text messages silent as well...then you just have to muster up the strength to ignore it when you notice eventually that he did try to call or text.
Author 2cold2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 I have deleted his mobile contact I don't know his number by heart so I am really praying he does not contact me before he leaves tomorrow (he's going away on a business trip for a week). Problem is we will still have to exchange work emails because there is an event approaching. Kamille, I understand what you are saying, he said that in the sense that he couldn't be the one to take the first step. I know that is selfish, but everything we are doing is selfish, anyway.
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