Jono Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I broke up with my girl after a year together. She dumped me, turns out she straight away ran off with this guy we worked with. So I went no contact after a bit of torturing myself. She's Irish, went home yesterday, and I thought it would be closure for me. It was at first and then I made the mistake of checking on her bebo site (it's like facebook, only anyone can see your page) and she's changed her profile to in a relationship. She's got romantic messages from the guy and to the guy. I know I'm an idiot for looking, but I cracked, got curious. And it killed me. She's gone from a year long relatonshsip with me, talk of me coming to Ireland, to dumping me, straight into this guy's arms. They've been goin out for a month, now she's telling him she loves him, can't wait for him to come to Ireland in four months, how they're gonna go to Canada together in a year. She's using the same ****ing pet names on him she used on me. And I know I'm such an idiot for looking. The thing is, it's been just a month, I'm not even ready to date and she's planning this great new long term relationship. It is killing me inside, seriously eating away at my ego, my self-confidence. How can a woman move on so quickly? I guess she must have been letting me go for a while or something, cuz it seemed very easy for her. It is just making me so depressed. I know I gotta stop thinking about and the worst thing I could have done is look at her page. But I did, and now I'm a mess. How does someone deal with the hit on their pride? How do you not let it shake you?
sultry33 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 know that she is using another to get over the pain or fill the gap and at least you knw now how quickly you are replaced.. go complete nc i wish i had done so now, i saw pic of my x and a girl on a website and that just destroyed any chance he may have had with me we was still seeing each other and i thought we was working towards getting back together.. he was just geting his leg over:mad: i think he cheated on me with her an vice-versa an she is opposite of me.. ie plain jane dont mean to be cruel but it is as it is:laugh: so yea it hurts like me you can meet someone who will want you back or not leave you in the 1st place.. your not a fool for looking.. just curiousity... damn that x
darnay Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I've done exactly the same with my ex on facebook, curiosity got the best of me and I checked - only to find he'd been posting messages on how he's moving onwards and upwards, getting his life back together and enjoying his new life with his "new" friends, and saying how the last two years when i basically spoon fed him and loved him have been traumatic for him. That made me feel all warm inside! It hurts like hell. Facebook and Myspace are the devils work when you've been dumped. Even having mutual friends listed and seeing new photo's of them with your ex. I think the only answer is to take yourself off these websites such as Facebook for your own sanity.
Jilly Bean Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Gosh, have I been there. When my ex ex ex and I split, it was pure torture to look at his MS. Eventually, I had to make a concerted effort to stop. A few things I want to point out: 1 - sometimes people rebound into another relationship to delay or sublimate their pain. The fact that you are chosing to cope on your own does not negate the fact that she is probably just as upset. She's just taking the weaker option to heal. 2 - admittedly, I would "tart up" my MS after a break-up, knowing that my recent ex would be looking. Even if I was sitting at home every night crying, you would think I was gal about town with 100 suitors. MS is the devil's playground for sure... 3 - chances are strong her relationship won't be lasting. It sounds like she is using him as a stand-in to further the plans and goals she had with you. Almost flattering, in a sick and twisted kinda way... I'm glad you're letting yourself feel it all. As much as it SUCKS, it means your journey will be over far quicker than hers... Peace.
sedgwick Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 It hurts like hell. Facebook and Myspace are the devils work when you've been dumped. Even having mutual friends listed and seeing new photo's of them with your ex. I think the only answer is to take yourself off these websites such as Facebook for your own sanity. Totally agreed!! I deleted my ex and his friends from all my networking sites the day he dumped me, and haven't looked since. It would totally kill me, and I hurt enough already. Also, Darnay, it sounds like your ex could be posting messages about moving on because he *knows* you'll look and wants you to think he's fine without you...
JooLee Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Jono - i totally understand what you're going through. its funny how this person that you trusted with all your heart could stab you over n over again and not only that but step on it and grind it to pieces.. even when they are doing nothing at us. although, we have to understand that the ex's decision to date again has nothing to do with you, it still hurts nevertheless. its as if, we dont matter to them at all... but what choice do we have but to accept reality and be strong. what we are right now are a better and stronger person than how we were when we were in the relationship. and give a pet on your back for not taking the pathetic route of getting over someone with a rebound relationship. "I'm not even ready to date and she's planning this great new long term relationship." i am going through the exact thing right now, and what helps me cope is that unlike him, i dont need anyone to validate me. although i do feel jealous and unfair that how come he has managed to find someone new so fast... while im here going through lonely nights, he has someone by his side. look closer into it, and you'll see that the ex is just insecure and lonely theirself that they need to take this step to feel better.. while we on the other hand are doing it on our own. therefore, in the end, we come out of this a healthier and happier person.. and they are stuck in the same rut. that was what i understood and i hope it works for you too "How can a woman move on so quickly? I guess she must have been letting me go for a while or something, cuz it seemed very easy for her." that is something i can never understand myself. even man move on so easily. he did. it kills me sometimes but im not determine to let it affect me, and you shouldnt as well. keep reminding yourself that its okay to feel all this even if she doesnt because you are healing the right way, and she's just jumping to another mess. i believe it when everyone tells me that time is a healer.. and you should too. good luck to you jono just keep smiling, eventually your heart will smile along.
kchiapet95 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 OK, I guess I'm going to be the jerk here, but I have to say it. I moved on quickly when I broke up with my ex. This was a few years ago, and we had been together for a couple of years. We had talked about marriage. But the truth was that the relationship had been over for probably...I'd argue the last year of that relationship! I cared about him and I'd invested a lot and that's why I stayed, but it had been over for a long while. So I really didn't need time to "heal." I felt a huge relief when I broke up with my ex. Sure, I cried, but that was over wasted effort, not over sadness that the relationship with him was over. I never looked back after the relationship was over. Maybe your ex is rebounding...but maybe not. That doesn't matter. What matters is how you're feeling. Stop looking at the Myspace or Facebook. That's not gonna help. Block it if you have to. (Don't they have that function? I don't use the sites anymore.) Take care of yourself. You will heal in time.
ahhhchooo Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Uhuh. My ex's myspace never lost the "In A Relationship" status. From one to another. I'd freakin' puke if I found out she used the same pet names.
sunshinegirl Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I thank my lucky stars that my ex and his stupid new hooch girlfriend don't have pages on facebook. I would be a total wreck if they did because I wouldn't stop myself from cyberstalking them. It would be awful. Best advice I can think of is to block her site - make it physically impossible for you to visit it. I know how devastating it can be to learn even one little bit of information about an ex. Hang in there. Do a little self-protection - take care of YOU right now.
oceanbreeze Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 gosh.. i feel exactly the same way as you and all the other people who have replied on this board. I just found out that my ex has been dating (literally found out like 1 hour ago)... and i had no idea this entire time.. and here i was.. freaking out about what to say to him if i see him again (he just got back in town)... still caring that things are awkward between us.. when he's doing just fine! I don't how to cope with this either.. i doubt he's having a rebound.. because if he is.. then technically that'd make me his prior rebound even though we dated for 2.5 years. But that doesn't matter... i just went and blocked and deleted him.. and i think i will continue to destroy everything that has any connection with him. I have a huge pride too.. and he just embarassed me completely. I don't know if there's anythign anyone can say or do to make this better. It is what it is.. and we just have to walk away from it with whatever pride we have left.
Author Jono Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Hey thanks for the replies, alot of good advice. I was in a bad way when I wrote that stuff, needed to vent and this is the best place for it, I guess, especially cuz there's alot of good people on here to offer a sympathetic ear. At the end of the day, I have to accept that she is doing what she wants to be happy, I just wish I could not care, not feel like someone is stabbing me in the heart. Deep down I do actually want her to be happy, ultimatley, I'm not the kind of person to hold onto anger at someone. I just wish to God that she was hurting as much as me, that she cared as much as I did. But ulitmatley that's probably why it all ended, I loved her more than she loved me I guess. Kchiapet, I admire your honesty. Deep down, I guess I know she has the right to do what she did. The problem is that it cuts me like a knife, and makes me question what we had, what she said to me. This is a girl who told me a week before we broke up that I shouldn't mind if she talks to other guys because, as she put it, "You should trust me, I love you. I'd never hurt you. You have nothing to worry about." Tell me that isn't wrong? Anyway, how's this for a strange development. Another Irish girl we used to work with has called me, asking if I want to go out for a drink on the weekend. This is a girl who was briefly with the guy my ex is now with before my ex broke up with me!! WTF right? Thing is I get along with this girl really well, probably have more in common with her than my ex and it would probably be alot of fun to go out with her. But it's just wierd. What the hell should I do with this one???
Author Jono Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Oh, Kchiapet, one thing I want to take issue with about what you said. You say you cried over the wasted effort of the relationship, not because it was over. Did you ever maybe just cry because you were hurting someone and even though you didn't love them, they still meant something to you? Or did you just completely stop caring about your ex straight away? I mean, I'm not trying to be mean to you, but what about empathising with someone else's pain? Don't get me wrong, it just seems a bit harsh not to have some sympathy for the person who you're dumping.
kchiapet95 Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Hi Jono, I just got this message as I've been away for the weekend. To answer your questions, my situation was different than yours. My ex and I had been fighting for a while. There really weren't any "I love you"s exchanged, so I didn't feel guilty. It wasn't as if I'd done a complete 180. There had been problems in the relationship for a while. The breakup was not a shock. In addition, I did not feel guilty about his hurt feelings, because he had done many things to hurt me...just thoughtless and immature things. The time had come. It was over. Plus after we broke up, he'd come back and try to sleep with me as a way of salvaging his pride. It was ugly. I wouldn't say I stopped caring about him, but I didn't feel bad about hurting him by breaking up with him. It's just one of those things, that's life. It sucks sometimes. It happens to everyone. It's happened to me, it's been painful, but I've gotten over it. I would rather someone break up with me and end it and deal with that pain than for someone to lie to me and act like they still have feelings for me when it's over. (which is probably what happened in your case, you thought things were fine, and your ex had different ideas) I think you should go out with this new girl and just start moving forward and not dwelling on what your ex is thinking or doing. Good luck to you.
Author Jono Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Yeah, you're right Kchiapet, wish you weren't, but you are. I do have to stop thinking about her, caring about her. Alot of it is just jelousy and resentment on my part, **** I have to let go of to move on. It's just that I genuinly loved this girl, you know? Hard to let that go. I'm trying, trying real hard. I will go for a drink with this girl, see what happens. Hopefully it'll help me move on. Thanks for talking. Jon
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