I just can't go there

[sweetbutcheeky]

I have been thinking about opening up my possibilities. I consider myself open minded as it is but I do have a comfort zone on an age range and I prefer some races over others because I am just not attracted to some. So I have wondered if I don't limit myself maybe that will help in meeting someone special.

 

That being said I am still not attracted to some races and just can't help that. Also I can't help feeling that guys close to and over 40 just look old to me. I can't see myself with someone that age, I am 30. (also taking into account that I get confused for 24)

 

What got me thinking was also because I am often approached in person and online buy a lot of older men. Some are sweet and sound a lot more mature and have it together than guys my age, they know what chivalry is. But I can't get past thinking how old they look and count how many years difference between them and my father! lol

 

But as Trialbyfire said, guys in their 30s do need to settle. Are way to picky (want perfection) and many don't want relationships.

[nicki]

Go younger if you want to. Definitely don't date ANY guy you aren't attracted to.

 

If all older guys are not attractive to you, then skip over them and don't consider them. Nothing wrong with that.

 

You might someday meet an older guy who is youthful in spirit and body, so maybe don't rule it out.

 

But, I know what you mean. I'm not comfortable dating anyone 10 years older than I am.....I might be swayed someday, so I never say never....but I don't waste my time looking at an older age group in general.

 

It would have to be someone I just happened to meet and feel attracted to.

 

Go date guys you think are hot. You don't have to answer to anyone about your preferences....everyone has them!

[sweetbutcheeky]

Go younger if you want to. Definitely don't date ANY guy you aren't attracted to.

 

If all older guys are not attractive to you, then skip over them and don't consider them. Nothing wrong with that.

 

You might someday meet an older guy who is youthful in spirit and body, so maybe don't rule it out.

 

But, I know what you mean. I'm not comfortable dating anyone 10 years older than I am.....I might be swayed someday, so I never say never....but I don't waste my time looking at an older age group in general.

 

It would have to be someone I just happened to meet and feel attracted to.

 

Go date guys you think are hot. You don't have to answer to anyone about your preferences....everyone has them!

 

Thanks, wasn't really anwering to anyone. Was wondering if I was limiting myself.

 

I get asked out by all age ranges and have stayed around my age give or take 5 years above and below.

 

I guy sent me a message today who is 43, he is a nice guy but just wasn't attracted. I can't see myself with a 17 year old, 43 is isn't much better. Just look old, I can't picture myself kissing or touching someone that age.

 

Your right, one day someone may be an exception. I don't want to rule anyone out and miss something but at the same time I can't be attracted to something/someone I'm not.

[Sks]

Don't be brain washed by all the equality/love-only-matters/its-whats-on-the-inside-that-counts, crap people throw at you.

 

Gender matters(obviously), looks matter, race matters, age matters, disabilities matter - everything matters.

 

You need to also look at it from a strategic perspective, money - profession - family, if you want kids - etc.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Don't be brain washed by all the equality/love-only-matters/its-whats-on-the-inside-that-counts, crap people throw at you.

 

Gender matters(obviously), looks matter, race matters, age matters, disabilities matter - everything matters.

 

You need to also look at it from a strategic perspective, money - profession - family, if you want kids - etc.

 

So true! No matter the age or race the guy must want kids, work shouldn't be first on his list (come before everyone else), honest and respectful. Those are non-negotiable.

 

Not smoke but I am on fence there. I am allergic, it stinks and tastes gross but can't I turn someone down because of it?

[flc]

If you are not attracted to someone because of their looks whether it is race, age etc that is just normal. However, if you find someone physically attractive but limit yourself just because of their age or race based on your perceptions rather than experience you may be missing out.

[JoeNewbie]

Of course you restrict your possibilities. Don't we all?

 

And why would you even question this since you don't feel attracted to these? That's your answer right there, no?

[Walk]

I've found some areas where I am limiting myself I'm not aware of it. You pointed out two areas you do put limits on, but are there other attributes you subconciously filter out without even thinking about it?

 

Maybe a pre-defined belief you've held from a young age?

[CaliGuy]

If you find someone you connect with, regardless of age, give it a shot. There are many happily married couples out there with large age gaps (McCain and his wife are a great example). I can see smoking as a deal breaker (it is for me too) but other than that, all bets are off. As long as there's some physical attraction age (for me at least) doesn't really matter.

[Trialbyfire]

sbc, that thread about guys in their 30's needing to settle wasn't serious! It was in contrepoint to another thread about women needing to settle.

 

Guys in their thirties are like women in their thirties. There are four generalized types:

1. Commitment phobes who've finally realized they're aging and are trying to now find "the one". This never works because they rarely address their own issues before inflicting themselves onto their victims.
   
2. People who have learned from past burns, what kind of person to avoid, so they're a lot more cautious.
   
3. People who are just, plain happy being single.
   
4. People who are desperate for "the relationship", rather than the person. The biological nesting urge!
   

As for expanding your dating "zone", go for it. Worse case scenario is that you'll find yourself not attracted to the expanded zone, which is where you sit now.

[sweetbutcheeky]

sbc, that thread about guys in their 30's needing to settle wasn't serious! It was in contrepoint to another thread about women needing to settle.

 

Guys in their thirties are like women in their thirties. There are four generalized types:

1. Commitment phobes who've finally realized they're aging and are trying to now find "the one". This never works because they rarely address their own issues before inflicting themselves onto their victims.
   
2. People who have learned from past burns, what kind of person to avoid, so they're a lot more cautious.
   
3. People who are just, plain happy being single.
   
4. People who are desperate for "the relationship", rather than the person. The biological nesting urge!
   

As for expanding your dating "zone", go for it. Worse case scenario is that you'll find yourself not attracted to the expanded zone, which is where you sit now.

 

Serious or not it's so true! Guys my age I think they deserve perfection and commit phobes. Want the perks, but not the commitment.

[Trialbyfire]

Serious or not it's so true! Guys my age I think they deserve perfection and commit phobes. Want the perks, but not the commitment.

If that's all you're finding, what are you looking for and where are you looking?

[sweetbutcheeky]

If you are not attracted to someone because of their looks whether it is race, age etc that is just normal. However, if you find someone physically attractive but limit yourself just because of their age or race based on your perceptions rather than experience you may be missing out.

That's it, the first not the second.

 

Of course you restrict your possibilities. Don't we all?

 

And why would you even question this since you don't feel attracted to these? That's your answer right there, no?

I guess so.

 

I've found some areas where I am limiting myself I'm not aware of it. You pointed out two areas you do put limits on, but are there other attributes you subconciously filter out without even thinking about it?

 

Maybe a pre-defined belief you've held from a young age?

No, those are the deal breakers, other than that it's up to chemistry.

 

If you find someone you connect with, regardless of age, give it a shot. There are many happily married couples out there with large age gaps (McCain and his wife are a great example). I can see smoking as a deal breaker (it is for me too) but other than that, all bets are off. As long as there's some physical attraction age (for me at least) doesn't really matter.

I would if I met someone I was attracted to and connected with, but I haven't. I have a problem with the smoking one, because it's not a person's personality or part of them but something they do. But at the same time I can't breath around it, smells and kissing a smoker ... Yuck!

[vonerik012]

Sweet, I was just talking to an ex of mine who is 32.

 

She echoed your same sentiments about guys in their late 20's and 30's.

 

Luckily for her, she has always been attracted to much older men. She feels the younger guys are super picky about her body, complain about spending money, do not treat her as well, and do not even want a commitment anyway.

 

I would not expand your criteria on race if you do not want to. I am sure there are plenty of your same race you can date. I do not even see that helping much if you live in Canada. And of course they should want kids.

 

So, maybe going up to 40 is a good idea?

[sweetbutcheeky]

If that's all you're finding, what are you looking for and where are you looking?

 

A man who is dating to relationship potential, open to it, honest, respectful, confident (not cocky), sense of humor and wants children one day.

 

I don't think that's asking for too much. A man who knows what chivalry is would be nice too.

 

I don't look at it as looking because the guys come to be but I meet them on the street, out with friends, dating sites, all over.

[Trialbyfire]

A man who is dating to relationship potential, open to it, honest, respectful, confident (not cocky), sense of humor and wants children one day.

 

I don't think that's asking for too much. A man who knows what chivalry is would be nice too.

 

I don't look at it as looking because the guys come to be but I meet them on the street, out with friends, dating sites, all over.

But you prefer a man who does all the pursuing, right?

 

Also, let's look to the superficial. What do you expect, looks-wise, career-wise, etc?

[sweetbutcheeky]

Sweet, I was just talking to an ex of mine who is 32.

 

She echoed your same sentiments about guys in their late 20's and 30's.

 

Luckily for her, she has always been attracted to much older men. She feels the younger guys are super picky about her body, complain about spending money, do not treat her as well, and do not even want a commitment anyway.

 

I would not expand your criteria on race if you do not want to. I am sure there are plenty of your same race you can date. I do not even see that helping much if you live in Canada. And of course they should want kids.

 

So, maybe going up to 40 is a good idea?

 

I don't only date within my race, I have dated all races. I just meant there are 2 that I just am not attracted to, if I met a guy that was in one of those 2 that I was then I would go for it.

 

If someone asks I say I date up to 40 (or 39), but if I meet someone 28 plus I just can't make myself attracted. It's not the number it's that they look so much older and I feel like I am dating someone who would be a friend of my dad and not me. I wish it were more simple and I could just choose to but it doesn't work that way. A girl friend of mine who is 26 is attracted to older salt and pepper guys, I see her hitting on them and I can't see the appeal.

[vonerik012]

Find an ambitious man, and do not try to pinpoint a man with a certain career ahead of time. Unless you really want to make it impossible. Do not get into the habit of making and adhering to "lists".

 

Lots of men have tons of potential, and this is brought out by a good woman. A man with a certain career might be a complete slacker, and if things ever get rough he will completely fall apart.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Find an ambitious man, and do not try to pinpoint a man with a certain career ahead of time. Unless you really want to make it impossible. Do not get into the habit of making and adhering to "lists".

 

Lots of men have tons of potential, and this is brought out by a good woman. A man with a certain career might be a complete slacker, and if things ever get rough he will completely fall apart.

 

I don't care about what the career is, it's the person I care about. I don't have a list, I feel that a few basics/deal breakers is different. A few things he has to have, like honesty, respect and want kids. I don't feel that is the same as people who make lists like have to have a certain job, make so much money, be a certain height and so on.

[sweetbutcheeky]

But you prefer a man who does all the pursuing, right?

 

Also, let's look to the superficial. What do you expect, looks-wise, career-wise, etc?

 

Yes I do prefer a man to do the pursuing.

 

Career-wise: I don't really care what the career is as long as he has a job, goals are a plus. Work hours can be a factor like the last guy I dated, his hours were 4-12(midnight) and some Saturdays. Which doesn't leave much time for dating, never mind seeing a partner. But that's not the reason we didn't continue.

 

Looks-Wise: I like hair, guys if you have hair why do you shave it? Please don't! hee hee Also I like a guy who is at least a few or more inches taller than I am since I am 5'4. (taller the better but wouldn't not date someone cause of being shorter) Ok and I do have a I have a thing for black guys with puffy curly hair and light eyes.

 

Hmmm anything else ... Not into the preppy abercrombie/hollister guys.

 

I expect honesty, respect, to hold doors, pay for the meal (though I will offer half) and no games.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes I do prefer a man to do the pursuing.

 

Career-wise: I don't really care what the career is as long as he has a job, goals are a plus. Work hours can be a factor like the last guy I dated, his hours were 4-12(midnight) and some Saturdays. Which doesn't leave much time for dating, never mind seeing a partner. But that's not the reason we didn't continue.

 

Looks-Wise: I like hair, guys if you have hair why do you shave it? Please don't! hee hee Also I like a guy who is at least a few or more inches taller than I am since I am 5'4. (taller the better but wouldn't not date someone cause of being shorter) Ok and I do have a I have a thing for black guys with puffy curly hair and light eyes.

 

Hmmm anything else ... Not into the preppy abercrombie/hollister guys.

 

I expect honesty, respect, to hold doors, pay for the meal (though I will offer half) and no games.

When you add this all up, how many other women are looking for men with very similar qualities?

[sweetbutcheeky]

When you add this all up, how many other women are looking for men with very similar qualities?

 

I can't worry about finding men for them too! I'm trying to find one for me!

 

Obviously the good ones are hard to find and others are looking for the same thing.

 

Which is why I started the thread, wondering if I should/could change the limitations, but still get stuck not being attracted. I can tell myself not to limit myself but can't control being attracted or not ...

[Trialbyfire]

I can't worry about finding men for them too! I'm trying to find one for me!

 

Obviously the good ones are hard to find and others are looking for the same thing.

 

Which is why I started the thread, wondering if I should/could change the limitations, but still get stuck not being attracted. I can tell myself not to limit myself but can't control being attracted or not ...

That's exactly the situation. You either have to be patient, understanding that you're looking for what a lot of women are looking for, or you're going to have to expand your field. Having said that, are you looking for the relationship, rather than the man? Think seriously about that aspect. No one can make you happy. Only you.

[sweetbutcheeky]

That's exactly the situation. You either have to be patient, understanding that you're looking for what a lot of women are looking for, or you're going to have to expand your field. Having said that, are you looking for the relationship, rather than the man? Think seriously about that aspect. No one can make you happy. Only you.

 

I am looking for the man, then what happens from there will happen if meant to be.

 

Though I am looking for that man who is open to a relationship. Cause I don't want to waste my time with men who are commitment phobes. Sames as like with kids, I won't date someone who doesn't want kids.

 

I make myself happy, but that doesn't mean I don't want to share that with someone.

[sweetbutcheeky]

The guy I mentioned that is 43 is still contact me, he responded to my online profile.

 

On paper seems like a good guy, what I am looking for. To quote him:

"I am a gentleman... I am not a thug or a bad boy. I am polite, my parents raised me well. I hold doors open for a lady, I am respectful, kind and considerate. I pay for dinner. I am not a cheap skate. If I ask you out, I don't expect you to go to your wallet. I drive. I don't take the ttc on a date. My car is clean and you will feel comfortable in it. I enjoy pampering my lover. Nothing is too good for the girl I am with."

 

Though he also shared that he can be found wearing jeans... commando. lol (Part of his wild streak lol sounds painful to me!)

 

But seeing his picture I can't help it, I can't help not being attracted to him. He emailed me this afternoon and asked if we were still on the same page, just so he doesn't seem like he is over-ambitious. (I hadn't responded to his last email) So I told him that I was still having trouble with the age difference. His response "If there's anything I can do to help you make your decision ... Just say the word." That was so nice of him, though nothing he can do. I asked him for more pictures, thinking maybe it was just the ones he sent me. (I didn't say that to him) He responded by asking me to call then he will send me as many as I want. Though I think he is thinking if I walk to him then that will make a difference, I will forget about the age. Is waiting as we speak for a response from me, actually he just asked if I didn't like the idea ...

 

I don't know what to tell him!