B-Rad Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Basically I need to know the female perspective as to why this girl would be doing the things she does... as a guy, I am clueless to her motives. So I went through a tough, taxing breakup. I loved this girl but never showed it to her until it was too late. Throughout our relationship I was going through a life-altering depression. She was oblivious to my condition, as I never told her what was going on. She took my aloofness and whatnot as signs that I didn't really care about her. Long story short, her heart was broken, she ended our relationship, I was heartbroken, she moved on fast to a new relationship. I was left twisting in the wind for a while but after a few ugly episodes and a few confusing things between us (hooking up again, arguments, talks that never really went anywhere, etc.) it became clear to me that it was really over. I saw that wishing she could be happy with me was unfair and I put any thoughts of getting back with her out of my head. She had been so important to me and had always been there for me when I needed her, and she wanted to remain friends with me so badly that I thought we could stay close. She said who knows about a future relationship (which I hated because it kept giving me these expectations or hopes that might be clouding my judgment still). She even said that when the time was right we would be together (WTF, I know...). I have tried to be her friend but she is making it so difficult for me. I don't know if it's just the comfort level, or if she just needs attention, or what, but it's impossible for her to just straight up be my friend. She flirts with me nonstop and has acknowledged that she knows she's doing it ("hurting is flirting," she says, "and i have tons of affection for you"). She began describing our breakup as a wrong place, wrong time scenario, making jokes about when we were together, bringing up things about it, saying that neither of us need to feel bad because we were able to work it out and stay close. She invited herself to sleep over my house one night after a party we were at got broken up by the cops. I thought, you know, she's probably drunk and I don't want her to drive. So I let her, against my better judgment. We didn't do anything, even if she had wanted to I wouldn't have done it. I gave her all this space on the bed but she slept right up next to me and like on my arm and everything. She thought I was sleeping and when I opened my eyes she was staring at me and quickly closed her eyes. She slept over again a few days later after a party I had at my house. She calls me and texts me every day to see how I'm doing or to hang out. She was going to a party one night and was drunk texting me at 3:30 in the morning (after unsuccessfully trying to get in touch with me at 2 on AIM, I later saw)! She was blackout drunk because apparently she didn't remember doing it. I think it's bull but why would I call her out on that? I ignored her calls one day and so she called, texted, and IM'ed me a bunch of times because she thought something was wrong or so she says. Things she's saying and doing are just making me so sad, I feel like she wouldn't be doing it unless there's something behind it. Her boyfriend now lives far away and they're infatuated with each other as far as I can tell. They are in love apparently, the whole thing seems shallow to me but it's just what I know from when she talks to him on the phone, really. I'm not trying to get to know too much about it since it would make me feel ****ty. I hate the kid she's with. He's an ex-friend of mine who's a stoner dropout loser working a dead-end job. He's just a dirt bag and I don't think he deserves her. Basically, why is she doing the things she's doing if she's so in love and committed to this other dude? I know she genuinely cares about me (or that's the best case i guess) but there's a line of friendship and she habitually crosses it. She's making me more distressed than ever since I thought I was over her. She won't let me forget about her and she won't let herself fade out of my rear view. I think in a different time and place we'd be together again. Readers out there, I want honest opinions. Also, how can I try to get the truth from her? How do I at least let her know that she is breaking my heart with the things she's doing?
Star Gazer Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Your situation sounds eerily similar to a good friend of mine's and his ex's... I mean, to the point where I wonder if it's you... First initial of the girl, please?
sedgwick Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Anyone who would fail to notice that their partner is going through a serious depression is too self-absorbed to be in a relationship in the first place.
SilverEyeFox Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 yah know maybe she is doing that to you because she likes the attention she gets from you? Like you said before that you acted like you didn't care, because of your depression? right? well now that you guys have spilt, she has more control over your happiness(and you) and is well aware of it, more then likely. I mean that is lame up ****ed up that she is playing with you like that, flirting isn't hurting my ass. Gosh boy, like you have no idea, right now i am dealing with similar **** right now.. like when me and my ex were together, i was melting into depression big time, then leaving me after the fact.. making it worse. I hate the fact how people think of themselves in love? yah know. You seem like a nice guy, and you shouldn't let her, walk all over you, walking in and out of your life like that. Have more respect for yourself then she does for herself? Don't let her get to you, yah know. Think of it this way, why would she leave you and get with someone else, when she knows how you feel(i assume) about her? that ****ed
superchicchick Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 It sounds like she still wants to be with you. I'm not sure why you never told her about the huge 'depressed' skeleton in your closet but it's clear to see now that it was a big part of the breakup. BTW, for anyone reading this, being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of. Take it from someone who used to believe that you had to keep that "crazy part" tucked deep inside - The truth really does set you free! Ok, back to you B-Rad! It's time for you to tell her about the "life-altering" depression you went through when you two were together. She deserves to know the truth. Meet her at a coffee shop, park, etc. and have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her how much you care about her and that you value the friendship you share. Be honest about the feelings you are going through... and the strong feelings you still have for her. Ask her straight out what she wants from you. Tell her that, although you still have feelings for her, that you will ONLY be friends with her as long as she is with someone else. She will respect your strength and honesty. This will make her really decide what she wants in life and love. If she really does only want to be friends (which I don't believe) then you need to lay down some ground rules about your friendship. Write down on paper anything that upsets you ... i.e., "mind games" of maybe getting back together someday, talking too or about her boyfriend around you, obsessive calling and texting, "sleep-overs", etc. Allow her to add any ground-rules she may have for your friendship. You both should respect each-other's boundaries. Stay strong and stick to the rules... she can no longer have her cake and eat it too! Good Luck!
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