trubella Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 is thinking of cheating the same as actual cheating? my bf and i were debating about this yesterday because early on in our relationship we hit a rough patch and i made the mistake of telling him my thoughts (never again will i do that) he asked for honesty, but i think in this case it shouldve been left unsaid. we werent intimate for quite sometime and at one point i thought about cheating, although i would never actually do it. he says that thinking about it is just the same as actually doing it. of course i tend to disagree, theres a big difference between going out an screwing someone compared to just a thought of doing it, as long as you dont act on that thought. does anyone else feel the way that he does.
norajane Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 No, in the most obvious ways, thinking is not the same as doing. However, I can kinda see your bf's point. There actually are a lot of people who never even consider cheating when their relationship is in trouble. So if your "solution" to a bad sex life with your bf is to consider cheating, you do have something in common with people who actually cheat. You're maybe showing a tendency to avoid dealing with the issue directly and with integrity - either by breaking up or by communicating and working hard with your bf to solve the problem - and a willingness to consider deceiving your bf for your own pleasure. When you were considering cheating, was it just an idea, or was there a guy you were thinking about cheating with? If it was just an idea, are you certain you would make the same non-cheating choice if there was an attractive guy flirting with you?
Author trubella Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 When you were considering cheating, was it just an idea, or was there a guy you were thinking about cheating with? If it was just an idea, are you certain you would make the same non-cheating choice if there was an attractive guy flirting with you? it was an idea, didnt have anyone in mind. i'd never act on it. at the time the sex was lacking and i felt some resentment towards him(things are improving now)but he still holds that 1 thought over my head- which i can understand if i was in his shoes, but nonetheless it was only a thought for me then.. and nothing more, ive have many guys flirt with me in person and i've dismissed them all, im not the type to actually cheat. I dont think it even comes close to me having sex with someone else but he thinks differently.
norajane Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 it was an idea, didnt have anyone in mind. i'd never act on it. at the time the sex was lacking and i felt some resentment towards him(things are improving now)but he still holds that 1 thought over my head- which i can understand if i was in his shoes, but nonetheless it was only a thought for me then.. and nothing more, ive have many guys flirt with me in person and i've dismissed them all, im not the type to actually cheat. I dont think it even comes close to me having sex with someone else but he thinks differently. I can see how he'd feel threatened and hurt to hear that you were considering cheating on him. You'd probably feel the same way if he told you that he'd considered cheating. It also may have surprised him that you were thinking about it if him cheating on you never crossed his mind. It shows how you two were thinking about your relationship in very different terms.
Lovelybird Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 could it be that your porn use affects your sex relationship with bf? Does he watch porn?
Author trubella Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 could it be that your porn use affects your sex relationship with bf? Does he watch porn? lol wth does porn have to do with this. me thinks youve been in that porn thread for way too long. if you must know we both watch occasionally, didnt affect our sex life.
Lovelybird Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 lol wth does porn have to do with this. me thinks youve been in that porn thread for way too long. if you must know we both watch occasionally, didnt affect our sex life. Ok, I got my answer
Sks Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Tell him you cheated on him and ask him if its OK, considering he still stayed with you even when you told him you were thinking of cheating. Then we can tell if he thinks its the same or not.
Meaplus3 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 is thinking of cheating the same as actual cheating? my bf and i were debating about this yesterday because early on in our relationship we hit a rough patch and i made the mistake of telling him my thoughts (never again will i do that) he asked for honesty, but i think in this case it shouldve been left unsaid. we werent intimate for quite sometime and at one point i thought about cheating, although i would never actually do it. he says that thinking about it is just the same as actually doing it. of course i tend to disagree, theres a big difference between going out an screwing someone compared to just a thought of doing it, as long as you dont act on that thought. does anyone else feel the way that he does. I guess my thought would be that if your thinking about cheating while in a comitted R, then something has to be wrong with that Relationship in order for one to even consider such an act. I believe there is a fine line there simply because those thoughts could easily lead to action if the relationship continues to not fufill one or both partners. AP:)
Author trubella Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 I guess my thought would be that if your thinking about cheating while in a comitted R, then something has to be wrong with that Relationship in order for one to even consider such an act. I believe there is a fine line there simply because those thoughts could easily lead to action if the relationship continues to not fufill one or both partners. AP:) well of course thered be something wrong with the R once that thought enters your head as i said before we hit a rough patch and the lack of sex pushed me over the edge. we're fine now, but earlier in the R things werent so great. that thought wouldve never became reality for me, i do have self control and couldnt imagine actually going through with it because i do genuinely care for him deeply. my only mistake was thinking outloud, i shouldve never told him that.
norajane Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 well of course thered be something wrong with the R once that thought enters your head as i said before we hit a rough patch and the lack of sex pushed me over the edge. we're fine now, but earlier in the R things werent so great. that thought wouldve never became reality for me, i do have self control and couldnt imagine actually going through with it because i do genuinely care for him deeply. my only mistake was thinking outloud, i shouldve never told him that. But it was the truth. If you really want to work on this relationship, and make it work, you have to be THAT honest about what's going on with you and what you're thinking. That's what "work" means. You're both in this relationship; you both have to open about your thoughts even if it's hard. Yes, now he's freaking out wondering if you'd really ever cheat on him. But that's what you were doing, wasn't it? Flirting with thought, thinking about it. You decided you couldn't do it, but you did think about it, and that does mean something. Did you tell him what that meant to you, to have those kinds of thoughts? What you were thinking at the time? How you were feeling about him at the time? Why do you think you said it out loud? You say things are getting better, but are they better enough? Did you want to jolt him into thinking more about your relationship?
Meaplus3 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 well of course thered be something wrong with the R once that thought enters your head as i said before we hit a rough patch and the lack of sex pushed me over the edge. we're fine now, but earlier in the R things werent so great. that thought wouldve never became reality for me, i do have self control and couldnt imagine actually going through with it because i do genuinely care for him deeply. my only mistake was thinking outloud, i shouldve never told him that. As Nora said in her post it was the truth. And the truth IMO will set you free. You were up front with him about your feelings in a very honest way. That would tell me that your very willing to work on resolving the issues within the relationship.Good luck. AP:)
Author trubella Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Yes, now he's freaking out wondering if you'd really ever cheat on him. But that's what you were doing, wasn't it? Flirting with thought, thinking about it. You decided you couldn't do it, but you did think about it, and that does mean something. Did you tell him what that meant to you, to have those kinds of thoughts? What you were thinking at the time? How you were feeling about him at the time? Why do you think you said it out loud? You say things are getting better, but are they better enough? Did you want to jolt him into thinking more about your relationship? he actually asked me if i was capable of going outside the R. hes kindof insecure to begin with so i usually have to give him assurance alot. he even had me promise not to cheat on him before i told him my thoughts. so i answered his question that the thought did cross my mind when things werent going so well between us, especially with the sex issue at the time. and understandably he got upset when i told him that, i explained further all of the things that i feel i wasnt getting in the R and he understood and admitted some fault on his part as i did. i still loved him then and wanted things to work but there was also a deep sense of resentment towards him, felt neglected at the time. after telling him this things have improved alot between us, i didnt plan to tell him that but he asked a question and i couldnt lie to him about what i was feeling at the time.
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