MarieD Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Hello All I just ended a 5 month relationship with someone who was VERY insecure, paranoid & accusing. It was NOT a fun relationship, I got accused of flirting with practically everyone, NOT the kind of relationship I want. He had to go!!! He was BAD!! I am SO happy that I had the gutts to let him go!! But here i am back at square one!! I'm 35 years old & dated my entire life & just can't seem to find a NORMAL guy. I am starting to think that I am meant to be single for the rest of my life! Any women out there my age experiencing this??
Jilly Bean Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Marie - I know you don't like to admit this, but I sincerely think that your "Failure to Launch" lifestyle of living with your parents at 35 greatly contributes to your success rate with men. The kind of guy you are looking for is not looking for you. For whatever your reasons are for still living at home (and I know you said you love it and see no reason to leave, which is cool), you have to realize that this lifestyle is not viewed as an attractive or desirable choice by most men. I think if you readjusted your expectations, perhaps sought out men of your same religious or ethnic background that will appreciate and understand your decision, you might fare better with this like-minded man who also shares your value system.
Author MarieD Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Jilly - Why must you always go there? Where I sleep has NOTHING to do the kind of men i meet!!!! I don't know how u could think that!!! 3 of my girlsfriends live home as well!! When I meet these guys, I don't have "i live with my parents" stamped on my forehead!! They have no idea that i live home until many dates later! Me living home is not the reason I meet the liars, cheaters, hypochondriacs, insecure, men that i have dated!! Come on' Please don't turn this into a living home post!!! My recent EX boyfriend & all of my past exes, liked the fact that i lived home!
Jilly Bean Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Marie - I just think you are refusing to be honest with yourself about this. I don't think this is an issue of gender - most people would not find a grown adult living at home to be an attractive choice. But, as I said, I think the guys who *would* appreciate this lifestyle, are the ones who share your religious and ethnic values on this subject. I still suggest you seek them out as more viable dating options rather than the average Joe you might encounter.
Author MarieD Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 I am being very honest with myself! Where I sleep has NOTHING to do with the kind of men i meet. Like I said, & will say for the last time, when I meet them, they don't know that i live home, until many weeks later. Don't know where u even came up with that scenerio. Ok please, I don't want to argue with you! You gave me your opinion, thanks, so just let it be!!
Trialbyfire Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Marie, is there a commonality in where you're meeting these guys?
Author MarieD Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Ummmmmmmmmm I have to say that I have met most of my boyfriends on Match.com!!! Those darn online dating sights!! hahaha I don't think I will go back on anymore, I don't have any luck with men I meet on those sights!!
kizik Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 MarieD, I can assure you there are normal guys everywhere, but it seems like you are attracted to chaos. My guess is that your dad, or parents, were unavailable to you during childhood... one crazy thing about humans is that we tend to "re-create" trauma from our childhoods, in at attempt to finally "right" what was wrong. My suggestion: go for guys that you are not so initially attracted to - go for "boring" guys. You seem to like the "bad boy" type, and that's where you're getting yourself into trouble. -I credit Dr. Drew Pinsky from LoveLine for most of the above advice.
lovestruck818 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I am being very honest with myself! Where I sleep has NOTHING to do with the kind of men i meet. Like I said, & will say for the last time, when I meet them, they don't know that i live home, until many weeks later. Don't know where u even came up with that scenerio. Ok please, I don't want to argue with you! You gave me your opinion, thanks, so just let it be!! I'm all for living at home...however, men want to know that you can take care of and support yourself. Even when I was living at home, I didn't want to date men who were...and honestly, they didn't really want to date me either.
Author MarieD Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Kizik - NO I'm sorry but u r SO off with saying......My guess is that your dad, or parents, were unavailable to you during childhood...... I am the youngest of 4 & had the BEST childhood possible!!!!! I couldn't ask for a better childhood than what i had!! And being the youngest of 4, I got the most attention, as they always say. So no, that is not it. I USED to like the bad boy type, but since I got in my 30's I do date guys that aren't usually my type & they too all have issues!!! I do however have to be attracted to them in some way!!! I just seem to attract ALL of the wacks in NJ!!!! Love - When guys meet me, they can see that I can take care of myself & can definitely support myself, so thats not it either!! And like I said, these guys that i meet, don't know that i live home til weeks later. I never met a guy that walked away when i told him that i lived home!!
kizik Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Kizik - NO I'm sorry but u r SO off with saying......My guess is that your dad, or parents, were unavailable to you during childhood...... I am the youngest of 4 & had the BEST childhood possible!!!!! I couldn't ask for a better childhood than what i had!! And being the youngest of 4, I got the most attention, as they always say. So no, that is not it. I don't give a hoot if I'm off, I was trying to help you... there's nothing wrong with a gracious, "Thanks for the advice, but that doesn't apply to my case." I USED to like the bad boy type, but since I got in my 30's I do date guys that aren't usually my type & they too all have issues!!! I do however have to be attracted to them in some way!!! I just seem to attract ALL of the wacks in NJ!!!! Stop blaming the outside world for everything and look at yourself. Just the way you dismissed my advice shows me how you are. Good luck, but you're not going to get anywhere until you loosen up!
Author MarieD Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Kiz- I'm sorry if u took that wrong! I didn't mean for that to sound mean! I should have said it that way, i'm sorry. But that is not the case with me!! I had a wonderful childhood! I'm not a wacko & its not me that needs changing. That is not the case here!! sorry again!
Trialbyfire Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Marie, if one environment isn't working for you to meet the type of men you're looking for, try a different environment. For myself, real life meetings work. My friends throw these substantial house parties where there are close knit friends that show up and also, they bring their friends. Over the years, we've all knitted other friends into this group so it's ever-growing. It's not unusual for there to be 80+ people attending, so it's a never-ending dating pool for us 30-somethings, since you never know who will show up and who someone's going to bring. Work is another place to meet people. As long as it's an arms-length situation aka not the same chain of command, you're potentially in an environment where it's easy to meet "like-minded" individuals. I'm lucky with this too. As a self-employed consultant, going into my clients' offices for meetings every week or every other week, I get to meet a lot of people. As well, over the years, I've built up a strong network of contacts throughout my industry, so once again, a never-ending dating pool. Consider building your own environment. Good luck!
Author MarieD Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Wow! Trail, that is a great idea!! That is amazing that there could be up to 80 people there! I wish my friends would do that!! Yeah the internet isnt working for me, so i could scratch that idea! I guess I just have to keep my eyes open when the girls & I go to Happy Hours on Fridays. There is no one at my company, & i already dated someone from work for 3 years & i wouldn't do it again! Hmmmmmmmmmmm i didn't think it would be so hard !
Author MarieD Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 This one is for Jilly.... My Manager just told me that her neighbor is 37, a beautiful girl, LIVES ON HER OWN, owns her own townhouse, has a great job & she also is going through the same exact thing I am. She find nothing but wacky men! So Jilly, here is someone that lives on her own, unlike me & also meets all the wrong guys. So u could throw that theory that the reason i meet wackos is because i live home, she lives on her own & has the same problems as I do. Maybe its a NJ thing, with these guys! haahh:D
lovestruck818 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 This one is for Jilly.... My Manager just told me that her neighbor is 37, a beautiful girl, LIVES ON HER OWN, owns her own townhouse, has a great job & she also is going through the same exact thing I am. She find nothing but wacky men! So Jilly, here is someone that lives on her own, unlike me & also meets all the wrong guys. So u could throw that theory that the reason i meet wackos is because i live home, she lives on her own & has the same problems as I do. Maybe its a NJ thing, with these guys! haahh:D I have the same problem as well, and ok I'm not in my 30's, but still...yes, it depends on the men you meet as well as the kind of person you are...but I do think living at home can and does play a role.
Author MarieD Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 OK I guess everyone has their own opinion. If I moved out & lived on my own I doubt very highly that I would stop meeting alcholohics, drug users, hypochondriacs, liars, cheaters, insecure, paranoid men. I don't think where I sleep is the main factor here!! I still have to disagree on that. I think its the quality of men in NJ. Most have issues that I refuse to settle for! I think all of the good ones are already taken & there's nothing but the ones that no one wants left. All the rejects are left! & im sorry I can't settle for less than I deserve.
Trialbyfire Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Oh for crying out loud ladies, there are good men around. Get to know yourself, know what works for you, know what you want/need and I don't mean purely the superficial, which includes job, looks, etc. Then get out there and start to network, if only to gain new friends, even female friends. The more people you get to know, the more decent men you'll find who are...gasp...single and emotionally available! The minute you start to believe they're all worthless, they become so since you can't see beyond the negative in each one of them. This doesn't mean you have to settle for the drug addicts, hypochondriacs, etc. There's also one other alternative and that's to find a different residence within a community of singles. Last year, I met a great guy who moved in close by me. While he didn't do it for me, that's not his fault. He really is someone who most women would have found incredibly appealing. Very recently, a friend of a friend moved in next door. We just started dating this past week or so. There are great guys out there! Perhaps it's time to stop looking for the relationship and let things happen, while socializing more.
lovestruck818 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Oh for crying out loud ladies, there are good men around. Get to know yourself, know what works for you, know what you want/need and I don't mean purely the superficial, which includes job, looks, etc. Then get out there and start to network, if only to gain new friends, even female friends. The more people you get to know, the more decent men you'll find who are...gasp...single and emotionally available! The minute you start to believe they're all worthless, they become so since you can't see beyond the negative in each one of them. This doesn't mean you have to settle for the drug addicts, hypochondriacs, etc. There's also one other alternative and that's to find a different residence within a community of singles. Last year, I met a great guy who moved in close by me. While he didn't do it for me, that's not his fault. He really is someone who most women would have found incredibly appealing. Very recently, a friend of a friend moved in next door. We just started dating this past week or so. There are great guys out there! Perhaps it's time to stop looking for the relationship and let things happen, while socializing more. Awww Trial, I'm so happy for you! best of luck with it!
Trialbyfire Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Awww Trial, I'm so happy for you! best of luck with it! Thanks lovestruck. I'm in no hurry to get into a relationship with anyone. I like my lifestyle. He's a lot of fun and a relationship-style guy so if something more comes from this, cool. I'm not certain he has the intensity that I need in a relationship but we'll see. If not, we had a good time.
Author MarieD Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Yes Trial - I have to agree with you! I am going to stop looking & just enjoy my time out with my girlfriends & meet people out & who knows!! People do say that it happens when you least expect it right? I think i'm gonna stop trying so hard. Thanks!! U r absolutely right. There has to be normal ones out there!! Good luck with your new man!!
sunshinegirl Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 MarieD, how clear and specific are you about what you want in a guy? How do you choose whom to date and whom to take a "pass" on? To be more specific, can you give an example of a guy whose advances/interest you rejected? What made you reject him? Are those reasons indicative of the qualities you ARE looking for in a man? I am wondering if you are not filtering out enough of these guys. Usually the signs are there from the very beginning. Either you are not seeing the red flags or you are ignoring them.
porter218 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 OK I guess everyone has their own opinion. If I moved out & lived on my own I doubt very highly that I would stop meeting alcholohics, drug users, hypochondriacs, liars, cheaters, insecure, paranoid men. I don't think where I sleep is the main factor here!! I still have to disagree on that. . I am sorry Marie but I have to agree just a little with some of these other posters here. I doubt where you live is the only reason why you are snagging these losers but I am sure it plays a small role. People who live at home with their parents usually have a different way of spending their down time as compared to people who live in a house by themselves. For an independent successful man those differences will be obvious(even when they don't know you live with your parents) and make it hard for him to relate to you...It is just how it is. I am not suggesting you should move out to rectify this problem because that wouldn't be true to yourself. It just means that you are going to have to weed through them a little better and hope for the best. And try to never ignore those red flags....I know it is tempting to ignore them when your biological clock is ticking as loud as yours is.
XNemesisX Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I am sorry Marie but I have to agree just a little with some of these other posters here. I doubt where you live is the only reason why you are snagging these losers but I am sure it plays a small role. People who live at home with their parents usually have a different way of spending their down time as compared to people who live in a house by themselves. For an independent successful man those differences will be obvious(even when they don't know you live with your parents) and make it hard for him to relate to you...It is just how it is. I am not suggesting you should move out to rectify this problem because that wouldn't be true to yourself. It just means that you are going to have to weed through them a little better and hope for the best. And try to never ignore those red flags....I know it is tempting to ignore them when your biological clock is ticking as loud as yours is. I'm also going to have to agree about living with your parents. That may be seen by some of the "normal guys" as being a red flag about YOU. I love my parents a lot too but there comes a time when you need to be out on your own....especially if you're looking for a serious relationship. I had to live back with my parents temporarily and it DOES make a difference. If I met a 35 year old who still lived with his parents I would be seriously turned off and wouldn't date him. I would say it is major cause for concern if anyone over 25still lives with their parents unless it is just short term. I'm sure most people would think they were either a sponge or a big baby. But if it makes you happy, then do what you think is best for you.
XNemesisX Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I hope that did not come off too harsh, but I just think you should really consider that possibility. Someone may not outright say it, but are probably really thinking it is a bit odd. I was 25 and living at home for a short period of time and knew that I was being stigmatized the longer I lived there.
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