cp3 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Ive been dating this girl for 6 months now, and I have no idea if she's the one. I feel like we've hit a turning point in our relationship, where I need to either commit and tell her I love her, or tell her its not working out and move on. Day and night I go over in my mind whether or not she's "the one." And to be honest, some days I think she is.. Other days Im not so sure. And my problem is, I feel that if I even have to question whether or not she's right for me, than maybe she isnt.. I hear all the time that when your with the right person, "you just know". And my friend is dating my gf's best friend, and he said he knew after 2 weeks that he was going to marry her. Im 6 months in, and I still have no idea. So here are some questions: When/How did you know they were "the one"? How long did it take before you told them you loved them? If I have doubts, is she not the one? Or do you still have doubts once in awhile? Thanks for your advice/input.
Shygirl15 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I for one, do not believe in "the one" theory. I have said I love yous to many guys, and I know I truly loved them.
SnapCracklePop Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I do not believe in "the one" or soulmates. I do believe in degrees of compatibilty though and some pairings can make a significant spark that may cause you to think "the one"... but given enough time, you'll encounter a similar pairing with someone else too.
djhall Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 If I have doubts, is she not the one? Or do you still have doubts once in awhile? I think we all have doubts. There is a big difference though between your head doubting your heart and your heart doubting your head. Head doubting heart is a good thing. If your heart says "I lover her" then your head needs to decide if that is a good thing or not. Some people simply aren't good for us no matter how much we love them. It sound to me that your heart is doubting your head in this case. Does your head think you should be in love with her, but your heart is in doubt? I personally wouldn't go forward in a relationship like that ever again... the hurt caused by a relationship where one partner is in love and the other partner really isn't is awful.
Author cp3 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Ok, well forget about someone being "the one". In your relationship, when do you know you loved that person? How long did it take before you told them? And did you ever have doubts as to whether or not they were the right person for you? Because IMO, after 6 months, I feel like I should know by now.. And I dont. Some days I think Im in love with her, other days I think I should break up with her. (For 2 reasons: I think there might be someone out there that would be better for me, or because I want to go back to the single life and not have one commitment)
Author cp3 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 I think we all have doubts. There is a big difference though between your head doubting your heart and your heart doubting your head. Head doubting heart is a good thing. If your heart says "I lover her" then your head needs to decide if that is a good thing or not. Some people simply aren't good for us no matter how much we love them. It sound to me that your heart is doubting your head in this case. Does your head think you should be in love with her, but your heart is in doubt? Really good point.. Im gonna have to think about that for awhile. Cause I think you might be right, my heart is doubting my head.
audrey_1 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I think we all have doubts. There is a big difference though between your head doubting your heart and your heart doubting your head. Head doubting heart is a good thing. If your heart says "I lover her" then your head needs to decide if that is a good thing or not. Some people simply aren't good for us no matter how much we love them. It sound to me that your heart is doubting your head in this case. Does your head think you should be in love with her, but your heart is in doubt? I personally wouldn't go forward in a relationship like that ever again... the hurt caused by a relationship where one partner is in love and the other partner really isn't is awful. So if someone says to you, "my logical mind (which unlike my heart has never failed/hurt me) tells me to take it one step at a time" then that's a good thing?
porter218 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 And my problem is, I feel that if I even have to question whether or not she's right for me, than maybe she isnt.. I hear all the time that when your with the right person, "you just know". And my friend is dating my gf's best friend, and he said he knew after 2 weeks that he was going to marry her. Im 6 months in, and I still have no idea. . It is true.. you do ' just know'. And it doesn't take anytime to figure out if that is 'the one'. If 6 months down the line you are unsure then there is no way she can be the one. She may be close though, just because she isn't the one doesn't mean it will not work. Many people never find 'the one' but they find one that works just as well. My parents are very happy but I am 100% convinced they settled before finding 'the one'. But non the less their M is a 30 year strong incredibly happy one. I on the other hand found 'the one', and I am sure of that. Whether we are together or not he will always hold a huge part of my heart. But being with 'the one' doesn't guarantee happiness, because I have been through some low points with my H. I never had doubts, even when I made the decision to leave him. I only left him for 9 months, but not during any of that time did I doubt that I loved him above all and always would. That kind of love is much different then anything else, it can go through anything even hate without losing the feeling of 'the one'.
Trialbyfire Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I'm of the belief that if you need to ask, you're not in love. Having said that, there are people who doubt everything. In doubting everything, you're going to self-sabotage it anyways, so move on.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Ok, well forget about someone being "the one". In your relationship, when do you know you loved that person? How long did it take before you told them? And did you ever have doubts as to whether or not they were the right person for you? Because IMO, after 6 months, I feel like I should know by now.. And I dont. Some days I think Im in love with her, other days I think I should break up with her. (For 2 reasons: I think there might be someone out there that would be better for me, or because I want to go back to the single life and not have one commitment) Putting the "one" theory aside, I think you need to stop comparing your relationship with other people's and really see it from a individualized point of view. Every relationship is different, although there are certain truths to general outlines of a relationship. You don't have to force yourself to say "I love you" if you're really conflicted. Sometimes you're required to do a little soul searching before you take the big step. Instead of always doubting yourself, try to enjoy your time together with her. Don't try to nit pick every little fault with her, because the problem really lies with your indecisive nature. It's okay to have doubts but what really matters is how you go about things. Dating/relationships are not about looking at the big picture and quickly settling down with the first person that comes along, it's about enjoying every moment you spent with them. So stop worrying about whether she's the one, or whether you guys are going to be married in the future, just enjoy being with her.
Author cp3 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 So stop worrying about whether she's the one, or whether you guys are going to be married in the future, just enjoy being with her. Yea I know... And I do enjoy the time that I spend with her. The problem is that I have no doubt she is absolutely in love with me, and would be devestated if I ever broke up with her.. And so that is where the problem lies, I like spending time with her, and I feel like Im getting closer to her, but I also feel like Im leading her on if Im not sure that shes right for me. I dont want to end the relationship because she's the best girl I've ever been with, and I enjoy spending time with her... But at the same time, Im not in love with her (yet.. or maybe ever) and I dont want to lead her on and potentially crush her later when I finally decide whether or not she's right for me.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Yea I know... And I do enjoy the time that I spend with her. The problem is that I have no doubt she is absolutely in love with me, and would be devestated if I ever broke up with her.. And so that is where the problem lies, I like spending time with her, and I feel like Im getting closer to her, but I also feel like Im leading her on if Im not sure that shes right for me. I dont want to end the relationship because she's the best girl I've ever been with, and I enjoy spending time with her... But at the same time, Im not in love with her (yet.. or maybe ever) and I dont want to lead her on and potentially crush her later when I finally decide whether or not she's right for me. Then I think that you need to break up with her. If your feelings are so much so that you don't think you would ever fall in love with her, then you need to be fair to her and her feelings. What you're experiencing isn't a guy who wants to be in a relationship with his gf but rather being close friends with her.
quankanne Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 When/How did you know they were "the one"? when I realized I could see a specific future with him and it didn't scare me. And that he was everything I'd hoped for in a mate when I prayed for someone of my own to love. I know ... cheezy. But true! How long did it take before you told them you loved them? that's a good question, because I can't remember just how soon. But I knew immediately that I cared for him like I never had for anyone else before. If I have doubts, is she not the one? Or do you still have doubts once in awhile? … did you ever have doubts as to whether or not they were the right person for you? doubts are a natural part of any relationship, because we find that the expectations we have of someone (friend, family or lover) are WAAAAAYYYYY different than the reality of that person. Most of the time, you learn to adjust the two visions you have of a person, and go merrily about your way within the relationship. sometimes, though, we're faced with deal-breakers which become that much more difficult to reconcile. For me, it was my husband's drinking problem and the assorted problems that came with it. And for several years after we first married, I seriously questioned whether I was supposed to be in a relationship that was quickly deviating from what I understood a good marriage to be. All I can say is thank God we got through that particular trial stronger than ever, and that we've made it 16 years as marrieds. every relationship is going to face its tests and doubts, but there has to be something more that gives it solid foundation. My thought is that if you don't feel a particular depth of love for this girl, she's not the one for you. Turk, the doctor from "Scrubs" said it best. He was trying to explain to his friend why he wanted to marry his girlfriend, and finally came up with something along the lines of "I see a minivan packed with me and her and a bunch of screaming kids, and it doesn't scare me." love is like that – it gives a sense of surety to a situation that otherwise just isn't there.
pandagirl Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I feel like all this talk is self-sabotaging. He is unsure, part of him wants to be with her, and part of him is uncertain. Having this inner conflict and thinking about it constantly is denying him pleasure of the relationship in the NOW. And from the sounds of it, he does seem to really care about her. I have a girlfriend who didn't fall in love with her now husband until after a year. Now, 8 years later, she is still head over heels for him. I guess my point it, stop thinking so much about "this or that." Open your heart up, break down the walls, you might be surprised at what you'll find.
gummybear Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I feel like all this talk is self-sabotaging. He is unsure, part of him wants to be with her, and part of him is uncertain. Having this inner conflict and thinking about it constantly is denying him pleasure of the relationship in the NOW. And from the sounds of it, he does seem to really care about her. I have a girlfriend who didn't fall in love with her now husband until after a year. Now, 8 years later, she is still head over heels for him. I guess my point it, stop thinking so much about "this or that." Open your heart up, break down the walls, you might be surprised at what you'll find. I agree with pandagirl completely. Since you said she's the best girl you've ever been with, that's gotta mean something. Don't fall into the 'you want what you can't have' syndrome that many fall for. I'm 90% sure that if you break up with her right now you will undoubtedly regret it and will have 'let the one get away.' This is coming from someone who went through the same as you and regretted it because I realized after that he WAS the one but it was too late, I already hurt him too much and he didn't want me anymore...he had thought I was the one after just 3 weeks of dating and I ruined it.
Shygirl15 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I'm of the belief that if you need to ask, you're not in love. Having said that, there are people who doubt everything. In doubting everything, you're going to self-sabotage it anyways, so move on. I agree with this.
Author cp3 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 I feel like all this talk is self-sabotaging. He is unsure' date=' part of him wants to be with her, and part of him is uncertain. Having this [u']inner conflict and thinking about it constantly is denying him pleasure of the relationship in the NOW[/u]. And from the sounds of it, he does seem to really care about her. I have a girlfriend who didn't fall in love with her now husband until after a year. Now, 8 years later, she is still head over heels for him. I guess my point it, stop thinking so much about "this or that." Open your heart up, break down the walls, you might be surprised at what you'll find. I agree with pandagirl completely. Since you said she's the best girl you've ever been with, that's gotta mean something. Don't fall into the 'you want what you can't have' syndrome that many fall for. I'm 90% sure that if you break up with her right now you will undoubtedly regret it and will have 'let the one get away.' This is coming from someone who went through the same as you and regretted it because I realized after that he WAS the one but it was too late, I already hurt him too much and he didn't want me anymore...he had thought I was the one after just 3 weeks of dating and I ruined it. Really, really, really good points. I think WAY too often I have the whole "grass is greener on the other side" viewpoint to everything in life. Including the relationships Im in... I need to just enjoy the girl Im with.
djhall Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 So if someone says to you, "my logical mind (which unlike my heart has never failed/hurt me) tells me to take it one step at a time" then that's a good thing? I suppose, like everything else, it depends on the situation (yes, I know, I over think everything). If I was mostly angling for a good romp in the sheets, that's not good. If I thought she wasn't really into me, that could come across like she was looking for an excuse to slow down or back off because she wasn't really feeling it. If I was serious about wanting her long-term, and I knew she was feeling the attraction too, then yes, I think it is a good thing. It really isn't so bad to know someone is so hot for you that they might lose the benefit of logical thought if they aren't careful! I think it is also a good sign for a long-term relationship if the future of the relationship is at least as important as immediate pleasure.
audrey_1 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I suppose, like everything else, it depends on the situation (yes, I know, I over think everything). If I was mostly angling for a good romp in the sheets, that's not good. If I thought she wasn't really into me, that could come across like she was looking for an excuse to slow down or back off because she wasn't really feeling it. If I was serious about wanting her long-term, and I knew she was feeling the attraction too, then yes, I think it is a good thing. It really isn't so bad to know someone is so hot for you that they might lose the benefit of logical thought if they aren't careful! I think it is also a good sign for a long-term relationship if the future of the relationship is at least as important as immediate pleasure. Since what you said resonated so with my current situation, I just started my own thread. This really got my attention and made me think. Plus, it's not cool to crash someone else's thread. I'm going to copy your post into my thread and respond. Thanks djhall.
GoodOnPaper Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 The problem is that I have no doubt she is absolutely in love with me, and would be devestated if I ever broke up with her.. And so that is where the problem lies, I like spending time with her, and I feel like Im getting closer to her, but I also feel like Im leading her on if Im not sure that shes right for me. I dont want to end the relationship because she's the best girl I've ever been with, and I enjoy spending time with her... But at the same time, Im not in love with her (yet.. or maybe ever) and I dont want to lead her on and potentially crush her later when I finally decide whether or not she's right for me. As long as you are honest with her -- and yourself -- about what you are thinking and feeling, you are not leading her on. It's understandable that you don't want to hurt her. Is that entirely genuine or deep down, do you find yourself simply dreading the conflict that would ensue once you break the bad news? Both feelings are probably there, but I'll bet the scale actually tips toward one side.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I knew within days of meeting her that she was the one a few days later I proposed, a month later we were married and 3.5 years later we divorced. It's a crapshoot
audrey_1 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I realize it's love when I care about them unconditionally, that I would want them to be happy with or without me.
pandagirl Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I realize it's love when I care about them unconditionally, that I would want them to be happy with or without me. That is sweet. Not many people are able to love unconditionally.
Author cp3 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 I think we all have doubts. There is a big difference though between your head doubting your heart and your heart doubting your head. Head doubting heart is a good thing. If your heart says "I lover her" then your head needs to decide if that is a good thing or not. Some people simply aren't good for us no matter how much we love them. It sound to me that your heart is doubting your head in this case. Does your head think you should be in love with her, but your heart is in doubt? I personally wouldn't go forward in a relationship like that ever again... the hurt caused by a relationship where one partner is in love and the other partner really isn't is awful. I have another question about what you said here... I have been in several relationships where I really liked the person from my heart, but my head eventually convinced me that they were not right for me at all... Despite what my heart felt. This relationship seems different. Its more my mind convincing my heart to have feelings for her, because she seems perfect for me. Its the longest relationship I've been in, and it seems to be going better than any of the others, it just feels different. But its almost like I have to remind myself that I really like her.. Instead of just feeling it. (There are times when I actually feel it though) So then what Im wondering is, isnt this better than letting my heart get involved first? The heart can be incredibly deceiving.. And is what often leads to infatuation instead of love. Will my heart eventually follow my mind and fall in love with her?
xpaperxcutx Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I have another question about what you said here... I have been in several relationships where I really liked the person from my heart, but my head eventually convinced me that they were not right for me at all... Despite what my heart felt. This relationship seems different. Its more my mind convincing my heart to have feelings for her, because she seems perfect for me. Its the longest relationship I've been in, and it seems to be going better than any of the others, it just feels different. But its almost like I have to remind myself that I really like her.. Instead of just feeling it. (There are times when I actually feel it though) So then what Im wondering is, isnt this better than letting my heart get involved first? The heart can be incredibly deceiving.. And is what often leads to infatuation instead of love. Will my heart eventually follow my mind and fall in love with her? If you were afraid of getting hurt then jumping into a relationship heart first is a bad idea and can make you really bitter afterwards. The best relationships are when you gradually take your time to know someone and slowly welcome them into your lives. Some people dive into relationship like they're diving into a swimming pool because the idea of being infatuated is as fun as making a big splash. But the faster you jump in, the faster you started getting tired of the other person, and you'll want to get out of the pool and find a new pool to swim in. I think when applying to yourself, especially where you have to convince yourself to like her is very deceptive of you. If you can't make someone like you, then it's pretty obvious you can't make yourself like someone. So the question is does your heart like her just a little bit? Because if you entered the relationship without the slightest of affections then the relationship was doomed to begin with.
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