Owl Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Does his wife know that he's supposed to come work with you? That poses a HUGE risk that the two of you will resume your affair. Is that something you're willing to risk? Beyond the idea of not working together with him, I think I've offered all the advice I can. I wish you luck however this works out.
Author KBEA Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 KBEA - What if his wife says (and this is likely): OK, we can see this baby - but only together. Every other weekend like most parents who live apart. At their home. What if she says : OK, but all contact with OW must ONLY be through me? Including fianancial info, health info, visitation info? Do you understand that if he gets parental rights that their relationship can be contained to the child and not include you? MM states that his W wants nothing to do with our child, nor does she ever want to even see the child. I was awarded sole custody and he gets reasonable visitation that is mutually agreed upon.
Author KBEA Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Does his wife know that he's supposed to come work with you? That poses a HUGE risk that the two of you will resume your affair. Is that something you're willing to risk? Beyond the idea of not working together with him, I think I've offered all the advice I can. I wish you luck however this works out. Yes, she is aware that he is to come to work here, but W has told him that he is not allowed as long as I'm working here. He has told the owner that he does not care what his W says, he is coming here. I don't have any intentions on resuming the affair.
Owl Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Yes, she is aware that he is to come to work here, but W has told him that he is not allowed as long as I'm working here. He has told the owner that he does not care what his W says, he is coming here. I don't have any intentions on resuming the affair. This just shows you the kind of winner he really is. His wife should hear what he's told the business owner. I'd have a lot of concern with him coming to the same work environment with you. There's no telling the kind of "stuff" he's likely to start up.
Trimmer Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 MM states that his W wants nothing to do with our child, nor does she ever want to even see the child. I was awarded sole custody and he gets reasonable visitation that is mutually agreed upon. Hmmm.... all your knowledge of her interest in being involved with the child is filtered through him. Given that he is highly motivated to hide as much of the truth from her as possible, and yes, to sweep this all under the rug like some kind of inconsequential indiscretion, can you trust what he is telling you? I mean, it's not at all hard to believe that this might actually be the wife's reaction, but you have to wonder if you're getting an accurate story, since you know he lies, you know now that he'd rather have you and the new baby out of his life, and that any contact with his wife would be counter to those goals. Hmmm.... Interesting to consider.
Author KBEA Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 I mean, it's not at all hard to believe that this might actually be the wife's reaction, but you have to wonder if you're getting an accurate story, since you know he lies, you know now that he'd rather have you and the new baby out of his life, and that any contact with his wife would be counter to those goals. Hmmm.... Interesting to consider. I did contact his wife a few weeks before giving birth to our child and I do understand the pain she is going through, but she seemed to be in total denial. I only contacted her because I also wanted to get to the truth (At this time he was telling W he was going to try to work it out with her and telling me the total opposite and that he knew the right thing to do was to leave her and be with the one he loved, me - what a joke). She told me that she knew her H better than me and that the things I told her would not be something he would say or do. By the way, this was not his first affair (He had another that lasted 3 years - but said that was only for the sex it meant nothing). I suppose I was too in love to see the truth, which is apparent now.
pelicanpreacher Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I did contact his wife a few weeks before giving birth to our child and I do understand the pain she is going through, but she seemed to be in total denial. I only contacted her because I also wanted to get to the truth (At this time he was telling W he was going to try to work it out with her and telling me the total opposite and that he knew the right thing to do was to leave her and be with the one he loved, me - what a joke). She told me that she knew her H better than me and that the things I told her would not be something he would say or do. By the way, this was not his first affair (He had another that lasted 3 years - but said that was only for the sex it meant nothing). I suppose I was too in love to see the truth, which is apparent now. To understand this guy and where he's coming from you really need to know what kind of man he is. I posted this some time ago and would like to hear about your assessment. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1692393&postcount=61
NoIDidn't Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Wow this thread started off so supporting until that little slip about contacting HIS parents. That was low. And Unnecessary. KB you might not feel like you are, but you ARE using your daughter's existence to get what you want out of this situation. She's his blood, you say, so you told his parents. After all, you reason, they are HER grandparents. Well. Maybe. But.... Maybe they didn't want to be invited into this mess and especially not by the woman that helped to create it. I hope you stop communicating with him. His only interest in you seems to be in starting up the affair again. He wanted you to put his child up for adoption. Translation: he doesn't want another child. He says his wife says this and says that. Translation: he wants it too or he wouldn't do it. He says to the CEO where you work that he doesn't care what his W thinks. Translation: he's really a pu$$y but wants you to see him as head honcho while he flexes behind his W's back, at that. You have a lot on your plate with a special needs child - the syndrome thing. Focus on finding out how to normalize her life as much as possible with what you KNOW you have - your own efforts. Her *extra* family may well come around one day, but for now make her feel secure without them. And definitely don't restart the affair. That would in effect be allowing him to also have an affair with his own child. That all but ensures that she will have zero self-confidence and maybe even no self-respect. Tell the weak willied MM to take a hike. He nor his family are good for YOUR family right now.
NewSunrise Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 KBEA Gotta say it's quite difficult to side with your dilemma. The only corner I'd be with is your child and the other children involved. There is no understanding the kind of person you've allowed yourself to fall for a MM in the first place. It's a waste of time and energy. Plain and simple---the dude is narcisstic. He has shown no love, respect and loyalty to anyone but himself. He is void of empathy to those he affected by his choice. And so have you. One crucial thing to keep in mind. Most employers frown upon in-house affair. The fact that his W has already contacted the employer, that employer will see both of you as nothing more than liabilities. Unless you're a union member or working under a contract, my best advise to you is: 1. You keep your contact with this MM strictly professional. If child support is all you want from MM, there are lawyers who will handle it for you. 2. Refine/spruce your resume and start looking for another job. If your position is lower than the MM, you'll be the first to let go and they may still terminate him. Based on your replies, what is alarming is how you were persistent in letting his W know and his parents about your child. That wasn't your job. You did it because you were hoping to gain allies to help you fight your battle against the W and the MM with the hope of them accepting you and your child with "open arms". No matter how painful your situation is compounded your child with challenges, for every choice we make lies a lesson to be learned. You seem to act without thinking of the consequences. And when the consequences don't fit your expections, you are perplexed. For example: I did contact his wife a few weeks before giving birth to our child and I do understand the pain she is going through, but she seemed to be in total denial. I only contacted her because I also wanted to get to the truth This spoke volume. You wanted to get the truth? What truth when the truth is you've been in denial yourself? Truth from a man who cheats on his W? There is no genuine truth from anyone married or not who cheats on their spouse or SO. If you were his W and you got a call from a woman out of the blue claiming she has your H's child, how would you feel and react? If truth is what you wanted, you could have easily accomplished this the first time your MM started the "poor me, I don't love my W, I'm in love with you, I'm going to leave my W" speech. You didn't. What you are in denial is that you "use" people to get what you want. You used the pregnancy to lure the MM away. Sadly a lot of women (immature and insecure) use this tactic to trap a guy into marriage or staying. You've used your daughter to get his family to accept her and you. Then you've used his parents with the idea/hope that THEY would force him to step up to the plate and do what you expected them to do. I'd hate to think that you have led your life this way and it has finally caught up to you. Life is like a boomerang. The lessons we are supposed to learn will keep coming back right at us until we learn it. Perhaps, this is your moment to stop and take notes, and learn what you need to learn. A huge part of that lesson is understanding yourself and why you are where you are in your life. It will take a little probing into your upbringing and family dynamics. Accept that you are as much a human as anyone else so don't beat yourself up over this mistake. Start making "sound choices" on your children's welfare. Teach yourself to not make emotional impulsive decisions which you have been doing with regards to this child. If your intention is to NOT resume your A with this dishnonest MM, your contact with him should be restricted to legal transactions. You are to no longer contact his family. Most importantly, learn to be alone for awhile aside from being a single mother. When you get to this point, you will find that you won't settle for anything less. Good luck
DealingWDrama Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Have you asked for life insurance, medical insurance, and child support for this child?
Reggie Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I agree with OWl. The BW has every right to make continuing in the marriage contingent on her conditions. No one is holding a gun to this guy's head holding him in the marriage. He has complete freedom to choose, just as he had complete freedom to choose to have an affair. It's just that the BS has given him her requirements for staying with her. I also agree with the posters who pointed out that, with this man's character, it's no great loss to the child to have no contact with this guy. The child is already going to have to deal with sorting out her values and reconciling them with those of her mom, who , apparently has no problem with infidelity. Why give the kid the double whammy of having to deal with two adults whose value systems include a propensity to cheat?
SmarterNow Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I centainly can't blame the wife for saying "no contact with the love child" She is doing that because she is hurt and she is scared. However, I think in most situations, this plan of hers could backfire on her. The husband will eventually resent her, for keeping him from his child.
DealingWDrama Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 The wife is obviously not secure in her marriage at all...I can't blame her for not being secure - her H totally took away all of her security. Hopefully she will come to her senses or get out of the marriage...the child is innocent and does not deserve to be used as a pawn by anyone.
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