2cold2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I am so sorry you are going through this, I can only imagine. I also agree that you should try to move on with your life without this man by your side, BUT I think that he has responsibilities he should face. At least financially he should help you raise your daughter. All the best to you!
Author KBEA Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 I want to thank everyone for the advice. One question asked was when did the wife find out (he told her 2 months before I gave birth to our daughter - just a few weeks before we were supposed to move in together). I do want to make one thing very clear, I do not want this man back! Don't get me wrong I still have feelings for him (unlike him I was not able to turn them off overnight), but I played the fool long enough. What he has done to our daughter and myself is unforgettable and unforgiveable. My biggest concern is for our daughter. She was diagnosed with a syndrome that will affect her for the rest of her life physically and emotionally. The doctors stated the most important thing was for both parents and families to be there to support her through this. I have my family, but only his parents know (because I told them) and they are only concerned about him keeping his family together. I did end up taking him to court for him to support our child, but at this point I believe he may only be looking at our daughter as a financial burden (He actually asked me during a mediation session for court if I had given any thought to putting her up for adoption - she was 2 months old when he asked that).
a4a Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I want to thank everyone for the advice. One question asked was when did the wife find out (he told her 2 months before I gave birth to our daughter - just a few weeks before we were supposed to move in together). I do want to make one thing very clear, I do not want this man back! Don't get me wrong I still have feelings for him (unlike him I was not able to turn them off overnight), but I played the fool long enough. What he has done to our daughter and myself is unforgettable and unforgiveable. My biggest concern is for our daughter. She was diagnosed with a syndrome that will affect her for the rest of her life physically and emotionally. The doctors stated the most important thing was for both parents and families to be there to support her through this. I have my family, but only his parents know (because I told them) and they are only concerned about him keeping his family together. I did end up taking him to court for him to support our child, but at this point I believe he may only be looking at our daughter as a financial burden (He actually asked me during a mediation session for court if I had given any thought to putting her up for adoption - she was 2 months old when he asked that). There is your answer. He is not interested in being this childs father. She is only a reminder of a mistake. So just take the money and don't expect anything else. If it were me I wouldn't even want that from him.
Owl Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Here's my thought... He's not going to be a positive force in your life, or your daughter's. I've no doubt that she needs all the support she can get...make no mistake. But I don't see him as being capable of providing that support...irregardless of the whole affair/marital recovery aspects. Given his actions, he just doesn't seem like he'd be there for her regardless. I think your best bet is to hold him to the financial aspects as you've done (make him pay child support)...but beyond that, I wouldn't push for anything more than that. Instead, I'd focus on being there for your daughter as much as you can be. And wait...and see if there's someone who comes into your life who CAN and WANTS to be there for your daughter. I think the aspect that I've been trying to push here is that being a sperm donor and having sex with someone doesn't entitle anyone to be a part of your or you daughter's life. And on the other side...someone doesn't have to have been there for the 'making' of your daughter to truly be her daddy at some point down the road. That 'blood bond' doesn't automatically create an emotional bond. It doesn't even entitle him to try, if you decide otherwise. He's made his choice to work on his marriage...for good or bad, that was his choice. As part of that, he's agreed to give up any 'rights' to be a part of your life, and your daughter's life. Maybe this will change later down the road...but that's where things are at right now. Does this make sense to you at all?
Agent_99 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I want to thank everyone for the advice. One question asked was when did the wife find out (he told her 2 months before I gave birth to our daughter - just a few weeks before we were supposed to move in together). I do want to make one thing very clear, I do not want this man back! Don't get me wrong I still have feelings for him (unlike him I was not able to turn them off overnight), but I played the fool long enough. What he has done to our daughter and myself is unforgettable and unforgiveable. My biggest concern is for our daughter. She was diagnosed with a syndrome that will affect her for the rest of her life physically and emotionally. The doctors stated the most important thing was for both parents and families to be there to support her through this. I have my family, but only his parents know (because I told them) and they are only concerned about him keeping his family together. I did end up taking him to court for him to support our child, but at this point I believe he may only be looking at our daughter as a financial burden (He actually asked me during a mediation session for court if I had given any thought to putting her up for adoption - she was 2 months old when he asked that). Hi, About halfway through my marriage, my XH cheated on me and got the girl pregnant. I knew about it right away as her and I were very open with each other after the fact. I of course had my doubts that baby was his, they were only together a few times. But after pat test, it was proven that he was. It was very hard for me. BUT when I saw that XH was going to sweep this kid under the carpet to hide his shame and guilt, I stepped up. I always made sure the child support was paid, I always kept in contact with the mom. I mean, this is my son's little brother! It doesn't matter that it was my husbands affair child. This child is my son's BROTHER. My child is always my prirotiy, and so he has every right to know that he has a sibling. and to have a relationship with that sibling. I grew up with numerous half brothers and a sister and no relationship with them. I always thought they didn't want anything to do with me, but as an adult it turns out that they did. So now instead of the one brother I grew up with, I have three brothers and a sister. I hate to say it, but have you ever tried talking to the wife? Maybe she is too caught up in her own feelings, but maybe she can move past them. As for the MM, well he's not worth the time or effort from the sounds of it, at least not for you and your daughter. I'm so sorry that this has happened, BUT you have to do what's best for you and her. ~99
NewSunrise Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Isn't life grand? Isn't life all about making choices? While it's too late to argue over spilt milk on what the OW could've done and should've done before choosing to become pregnant by MM, (a "preventable" consequence), I have to wonder though how much or to what degree that this OW might have considered choosing to become pregnant with the hope of pushing the MM to walk away from his M. Not trying to create any spin off this, but if you are a single parent of two, and if financial circumstances do not include a nanny, why would you put yourself in a situation where you might be worse off than where you are? I'm in agreement with posters here. The MM made his choice a long time ago as did the BW. Together, they made a choice for "their" marriage and family. The MM had ample time to consider divorcing his W, but he chose not to. Even with this unborn child, he has yet to choose the OW and hasn't. Now, the MM "blames" the BW for being controlling ---the same way most WS blame their BS for being in such "unhappy" marriages, but choose to stay and cheat? What is ignored here is that the MM had control over the marriage. The minute he decided to cross that line, he pretty much "controlled" the destiny of his M. The BS didn't have any control or choice. And the minute the OW also crossed that same line, she too, pretty much controlled that marriage and her destiny. As a result, everyone around the affairers who are involved (wife, children on both sides, unborn child) are hurt. The consequence of this A is heartbreaking. You couldn't ask for a worse scenario than this. Unfortunately, you now have a difficult task of choosing what sort of "war" you are willing to fight: 1. Are you fighting to win over the MM by using your unborn child? 2. Are you fighting for revenge against the MM's W by using your unborn child? 3. Are you fighting to make sure your child will grow up healthy and loved regardless whether or not this MM is around? This MM isn't worth the war nor was he in the beginning. And yes, at some point, he will have to face the child. Once the child is old enough, it will also be his/her choice to meet him much in the same way as having the choice to tell your child the truth. Bottom line is how much do you want the MM to be involved with this child? And how much are you willing to pay to get it? Keep in mind children on both sides are already paying for the choices you two made. If you can afford to raise another child on your own without the MM and his W's pocketbook, do so. Good luck.
NewSunrise Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Hi, About halfway through my marriage, my XH cheated on me and got the girl pregnant. I knew about it right away as her and I were very open with each other after the fact. I of course had my doubts that baby was his, they were only together a few times. But after pat test, it was proven that he was. It was very hard for me. BUT when I saw that XH was going to sweep this kid under the carpet to hide his shame and guilt, I stepped up. I always made sure the child support was paid, I always kept in contact with the mom. I mean, this is my son's little brother! It doesn't matter that it was my husbands affair child. This child is my son's BROTHER. My child is always my prirotiy, and so he has every right to know that he has a sibling. and to have a relationship with that sibling. I grew up with numerous half brothers and a sister and no relationship with them. I always thought they didn't want anything to do with me, but as an adult it turns out that they did. So now instead of the one brother I grew up with, I have three brothers and a sister. I hate to say it, but have you ever tried talking to the wife? Maybe she is too caught up in her own feelings, but maybe she can move past them. As for the MM, well he's not worth the time or effort from the sounds of it, at least not for you and your daughter. I'm so sorry that this has happened, BUT you have to do what's best for you and her. ~99 You're an exception, 99. It will have to be the W's choice to do this. She has to decide first whether to save her M and go through the process that BS go through. Betrayal runs deeps in a person soul that some take a long time to overcome. Once she feels stable, she may find it in her, the "mother's love" for any child to contact this OW and offer peace where her children can meet their half sibbling.
Agent_99 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 You're an exception, 99. It will have to be the W's choice to do this. She has to decide first whether to save her M and go through the process that BS go through. Betrayal runs deeps in a person soul that some take a long time to overcome. Once she feels stable, she may find it in her, the "mother's love" for any child to contact this OW and offer peace where her children can meet their half sibbling. I don't think I am an exception. I had almost a year to deal with the affair and betrayal before dealing with her having the baby. So i had time to find a 'stable' place. I'm just saying that maybe the W will be willing to make a place in her heart for her childrens sibling at some point, even if MM can not. ~99
Owl Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Down the road, she might be able to. Once the marriage is successfully recovered (or not). But that's at LEAST two years or more from now for most cases... But in the short term, she clearly set her position on this...if the MM wants to stay in the marriage...NC with OW and OWC. So I would suggest that the OP not count on it. If the OP wants to try again a few years from now, that's absolutely an option. But at this point, this is where things stand.
NewSunrise Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I don't think I am an exception. I had almost a year to deal with the affair and betrayal before dealing with her having the baby. So i had time to find a 'stable' place. Agent_99 - but you did find that "stable" place. There are those who are still trying to while there are those who may never find that stable place. And even when they do, triggers of reminder pop up. Just read poster's latest post while I was typing my replies. Since your daughter is born, like Owl said, looks like you will need financial support from this MM. Garnishment of his wages is good start. You can't force someone to support you emotionally. The families of the MM loyalty is to that legal family, not you. This is their thinking. Nevermind that their son went off fathered a child, to them, you are an outsider and probably "blames" you for being a "homewrecker". You will also have to "allow" them to go through similar process of betrayal caused by their son. Only time will tell if and when they come around to accept your daughter as their own. You can't force them. You only need to concentrate on your daughter's well being which includes her financial/medical support. If you need family support, it will be from yours, not his.
Author KBEA Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 I'm well aware that I did not make very wise choices when it came to this man and that I am to blame for this as well as he is. I did not intentionally get pregnant to have him leave his wife, I happen to be the 1% that is on birth control which does not work. I've gotten pregnant before on the pill and he was very much aware of that himself. I know my bad for not using something other than the pill, but he could have very well used something himself if he was truly concerned about something like this happening again. I guess deep down when the time comes and if he shows no involvement in our daughter's life, I want to be able to tell her that I did everything I could to try to prevent that. Our daughter will be the one hurt in this situation and I truly feel that she should not feel unwanted or unloved by him or his family because she was not part of their plan. I believe no matter what the situation may be that a child has only 1 mother and 1 father and that both parents should step up and take responsibility for their actions. He was only against this once he told his wife of the affair and then realized that she was willing to forgive him. He still continues to tell me that he does want to be a father to our child, but if he does that now he will be forced to leave his family. He also states that he doesn't know if staying there is right either. He's under the assumption that she will eventually give in if he continues telling her that he wants to be a father to our child and if she doesn't then he will have a reason to leave. She has told him that she does not ever want their children knowing about their half sister. He states he wants to tell them and when that time comes he will inform them that it was their mother's wish at the time that they were'nt informed of this when it happened.
a4a Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Here is the deal he can leave you both high and dry and still get visitation rights on all the kids. He is BSing you. what he says doesn't matter it is what he does that matters. Do yourself a favor move on. Your daughter will not feel rejected by him at this time. Perhaps in the future you can meet a great guy willing and wanting to be a father to your daughter. One that isn't already married of course. Obviously you must still be speaking with him as well. So does his wife know that too? You cannot force people (his family) to want this child in their life.
Author KBEA Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Obviously you must still be speaking with him as well. So does his wife know that too? You cannot force people (his family) to want this child in their life. I'm not trying to force my daughter on anyone, that would only hurt her in the long run and that is the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt any of my children in anyway. I guess I'm having such a hard time because I don't understand how someone can turn their back on an innocent child, she is the victim in all of this. The W does not know that he has any communication with me.
a4a Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I'm not trying to force my daughter on anyone, that would only hurt her in the long run and that is the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt any of my children in anyway. I guess I'm having such a hard time because I don't understand how someone can turn their back on an innocent child, she is the victim in all of this. The W does not know that he has any communication with me. So he still is telling the wife lies...... NICE! And your so special that he is not telling you lies? People may or may not feel a bond with a child, parent, or sibling. Just because you do doesn't mean other people do. If he was such a bonding person and put his own children first why did this situation even occur. He wanted you to put the child up for adoption. HELLO!!!! Move on to a life with your daughter where she has the oppurtunity not to feel resented. She won't even have a clue about any of this for many more years. Someone may come along worthy of being a father to her. If it were me I would ask him to waive all parental rights and move on with my life. That is probably the best thing you could do for your daughter. I bet if you offer this he will jump on it.
2sure Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 He does however have 3 other children with his wife and that was his excuse for not being able to get out of the marriage. He told you he wasnt leaving, his children being his Achilles' Heel In a later post you state that you are miraculously in the 1% of the population that gets pregnant while using birth control and that you have conceived under these circumstances before. "My Bad" you say. Ummm. No. You are already a single mother with two children you are financially responsible for ( I hope) . Having been a single mom myself, I know that even with child support and state health care OR a full time job - this is not only daunting to any parent but not the very best family scenerio one can wish for. Under these circumstances most single women (uh...way more than 1%) would be extra careful about adding another child to the single parent home. And if they do, its for a reason (good or not). I am not speaking as a BS spouse here, I have also been the OW and you originally had my sympathy and encouragement - but let me be the one to say it: You got pregnant "accidentally on purpose" because you thought your MM would step to the plate if there was a child involved. Since you know thats not going to happen - because he IS a jerk, you are using the same card to try to enlist his parents into this?? I have to say this - it has bothered me for 2 days - HE is being awful to YOU and this new baby. And to his wife and to the children he has already. You have been just as awful to the children you have already. This was a huge gamble you took, the results of which affect them directly. And you lost. I sympathize with the possibility that you were you just trying to nudge along a turning point in a relationship you felt was bound by love. I appreciate you possibly taking desperate measures to give your girls the life you want to. I do, you're human. But this child is not a card to be played. Stop it. You know what to do. I'm being sincere here, not bashing. I just really think when kids are involved, all bets are off, and that single mothers know how precarious their lives can be better than anyone. The tipping point for me was when you reached past he and his wife to his Parents for emotional support. I hope more than anything his Wife comes through for ALL of his children. All that said, I sincerely hope this works out for YOU. I
Owl Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I've gotten pregnant before on the pill and he was very much aware of that himself. I know my bad for not using something other than the pill, but he could have very well used something himself if he was truly concerned about something like this happening again. If you were aware of the potential 'flaw' in how the pill works with your system, why didn't you INSIST that he wear additional protection? Or take additional protective measures of your own as well??? I'm sorry, but as a single mom...and given the knowledge of your own body...it was YOUR responsibility to take measures or ensure that he took measures. Its your body...your life...your responsibility. ESPECIALLY when you're aware of the higher risks than normal. And yes, I'd tell my daughter the same thing if this happened to her. You can't control him...you can't control others...but you CAN control yourself, and set your OWN boundaries in what happens. You should have refused to do anything with him without additional precautions. I'm not saying this is all your fault...but I'm also saying it darn sure isn't all his either.
Agent_99 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 If you were aware of the potential 'flaw' in how the pill works with your system, why didn't you INSIST that he wear additional protection? Or take additional protective measures of your own as well??? I'm sorry, but as a single mom...and given the knowledge of your own body...it was YOUR responsibility to take measures or ensure that he took measures. Its your body...your life...your responsibility. ESPECIALLY when you're aware of the higher risks than normal. And yes, I'd tell my daughter the same thing if this happened to her. You can't control him...you can't control others...but you CAN control yourself, and set your OWN boundaries in what happens. You should have refused to do anything with him without additional precautions. I'm not saying this is all your fault...but I'm also saying it darn sure isn't all his either. I agree with Owl on this. I am also one who got pregnant when I was on the pill. Taking it exactly as supposed to. So I found other options. It makes it seem like you weren't afraid of getting pregnant by him. And by his wife still not having knowledge of his contact with you, he is definatly NOT working on his marriage whole-heartedly. Are you hanging onto the hope that he will leave? I would ask him why he feels the need to hide talking to you from his wife still. In my opinion everything in the open would possibly allow everyone a chance to do what they truly want. What is it that your looking for by posting here? I'm a little unclear on that too. ~99
Author KBEA Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 You have been just as awful to the children you have already. This was a huge gamble you took, the results of which affect them directly. And you lost. I sympathize with the possibility that you were you just trying to nudge along a turning point in a relationship you felt was bound by love. I appreciate you possibly taking desperate measures to give your girls the life you want to. I do, you're human. But this child is not a card to be played. Stop it. You know what to do. I'm being sincere here, not bashing. I just really think when kids are involved, all bets are off, and that single mothers know how precarious their lives can be better than anyone. The tipping point for me was when you reached past he and his wife to his Parents for emotional support. I hope more than anything his Wife comes through for ALL of his children. All that said, I sincerely hope this works out for YOU. I You are free to have your opinion about me purposely getting pregnant, but being a single mother already that would have been the last thing I would want to have done on my own again. I was the one upset with this from the beginning, but he was the one who stated when I told him "You are having this baby". He acted as if he had every intention on moving forward with me, hell he even had the nerve to ask if I would be willing to have another child once we found out it was a girl (since he wanted to have another boy). I would like to know how you think I have been awful to my other children? This MM was a part of their life as well, he did things with all of us. This was not a kept secret affair, we worked together and all our co-workers knew of the affair, he also spent nights at my house on a weekly basis. I kept him from my other children for quite some time before bringing him into their lives. My other children have a father who is involved in their lives so I'm not looking for a daddy for them. I'm not playing this child as a card, I just want MM to step up and be a part of his daughter's life. I was not looking for emotional support from his parents, I just truly believe that they had a right to know that they have another grandchild. MM would never have told them, he's acting like he just wants to go on with his life without nobody finding out about this, afraid that might change how people perceive him.
wildsoul Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 If you were aware of the potential 'flaw' in how the pill works with your system, why didn't you INSIST that he wear additional protection? Or take additional protective measures of your own as well??? Seriously. It's unbelievable to me that if someone had an unplanned pregnancy due to pill failure before, that they would use that same method again. Plus, the pill failure rate is more like .03% not 1%. This part of the story is implausible. Seems like a willful failure, not an accidental one.
Author KBEA Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Are you hanging onto the hope that he will leave? I would ask him why he feels the need to hide talking to you from his wife still. In my opinion everything in the open would possibly allow everyone a chance to do what they truly want. What is it that your looking for by posting here? I'm a little unclear on that too. ~99 I'm not hanging on to any hope of him leaving W, the damage he has done is to hurtful to forget. I was really only looking for advice from outsiders just to help me through this difficult situation and to help me move on and heal.
2sure Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 KBEA - I know my post is just my opinion and I think you took as such, so Im glad for that. I am sincere when I post and if I have nothing to offer, I dont. I myself have come here with questions that may or may not have answers. Even if my opinion was way off base, I hope that it possibly provided some food for thought as to what may be going on in the minds of the other extended family or in his wifes'. I hope you find this forum as helpful as I have. Getting the words out and reading the opinions of others, on target or not, is a good process.
a4a Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 You are free to have your opinion about me purposely getting pregnant, but being a single mother already that would have been the last thing I would want to have done on my own again. I was the one upset with this from the beginning, but he was the one who stated when I told him "You are having this baby". He acted as if he had every intention on moving forward with me, hell he even had the nerve to ask if I would be willing to have another child once we found out it was a girl (since he wanted to have another boy). I would like to know how you think I have been awful to my other children? This MM was a part of their life as well, he did things with all of us. This was not a kept secret affair, we worked together and all our co-workers knew of the affair, he also spent nights at my house on a weekly basis. I kept him from my other children for quite some time before bringing him into their lives. My other children have a father who is involved in their lives so I'm not looking for a daddy for them. I'm not playing this child as a card, I just want MM to step up and be a part of his daughter's life. I was not looking for emotional support from his parents, I just truly believe that they had a right to know that they have another grandchild. MM would never have told them, he's acting like he just wants to go on with his life without nobody finding out about this, afraid that might change how people perceive him. Yes that is what he wants..... And you think if you keep clinging to him and keep up the affair (which you are doing by talking to him without his wifes knowledge)so that he will change his mind? What do you expect or hope for by maintaining contact with him? truthfully. You are more concerned about him then you are your child IMHO. You own desires surpass the needs of your child. You are indeed using the child as a pawn. You are not part of his family. You don't have a right to contact his parents. That is indeed his family. Nor are they obligated to accept you or the child. You are manipulating people with this child. If it was not a secret affair why the need to tell his family and bring this all out into the open? Surely if he so desired this child he would have paid support for her outside the scrutiny and by force of a court room. Funny at first I felt kinda bad for you...... now I see you are just as much of a player in this as he is. Nobody will win.
Angel1111 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I'm not hanging on to any hope of him leaving W, the damage he has done is to hurtful to forget. I was really only looking for advice from outsiders just to help me through this difficult situation and to help me move on and heal. So what - you had a baby. Big deal. Children are wonderful and I'm sure you already know that. If MM didn't consider the possibility, oh well. I'm sure your little girl has no complaints about you giving birth to her and I'm sure you're thrilled to have her. I think you went through a really horrible time by him backing out when the two of you almost moved in together. That would break my heart. These situations with MM are absolutely soul destroying. I'm sure you can understand all the emotion and pain that's going on on the other end of his life, also, but he should've never made promises to you that he couldn't keep. I think it's still too early to tell what is really going to happen but you need to keep your heart protected because he doesn't deserve to get close to you that easily again. I think it would be good to let things die down while pursuing child support, if that's your intention. His wife is reeling from all the pain she's in, and he's probably in shock about how it has all gotten so out of his control. I think if I were you, I'd just lay low for awhile and love your new baby, remembering the love that you and MM shared.
2sure Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 KBEA - If thats your story and your sticking to it - who am I to say differently. I voiced my opinion and thats all it is. Meanwhile, your daughter is here, and you are here to cope. I get that. These are important decisions you have. Honestly, in the real world with bottom lines and other things you cannot control...the best policy is being transparent. As in, tell his wife since he is not. Write her if it is easier. Be sincere, beg forgiveness, tell her you dont want him (ONLY if you dont). It is possible for your daughter to come out of this with an extended family. But it doesnt sound like it will include her bio-father. Be prepared for rejection and criticism. But put it out there FOR your daughter, not for yourself. If these people are human beings, and you are sincerely only offering (including his wife) a relationship with your/his daughter....it could happen eventually. Your daughter is an infant, you can grant them patience. What if his wife says (and this is likely): OK, we can see this baby - but only together. Every other weekend like most parents who live apart. At their home. What if she says : OK, but all contact with OW must ONLY be through me? Including fianancial info, health info, visitation info? Do you understand that if he gets parental rights that their relationship can be contained to the child and not include you? And this is just the best case scenerio if you truly feel your daughter should have this man in her life. A visual is always good when searching for an answer or goal - what do you envision as the best case scenerio for your daughter?
Author KBEA Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Yes that is what he wants..... And you think if you keep clinging to him and keep up the affair (which you are doing by talking to him without his wifes knowledge)so that he will change his mind? What do you expect or hope for by maintaining contact with him? truthfully. You are more concerned about him then you are your child IMHO. You own desires surpass the needs of your child. You are indeed using the child as a pawn. You are not part of his family. You don't have a right to contact his parents. That is indeed his family. Nor are they obligated to accept you or the child. You are manipulating people with this child. If it was not a secret affair why the need to tell his family and bring this all out into the open? Surely if he so desired this child he would have paid support for her outside the scrutiny and by force of a court room. Funny at first I felt kinda bad for you...... now I see you are just as much of a player in this as he is. Nobody will win. I'm trying to figure out how you think I'm clinging to him? We communicate regarding our daughter. Are you telling me that I should tell his wife and cause more trouble for him? We no longer work together, but he's planning on coming to work at the place that I'm working for now and he is involved in this company. Because of work, I also have to deal with him on a professional level. As for being more concerned for him more than our child, you are way off base!! The need to tell his family was I thought that was the right thing to do. I know how important she is to my family and why would I want to deny them their right if they wanted it? Please tell me how I'm the player in all this?
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