I'm the other woman who got pregnant by married man

[KBEA]

I'm a single mom of 3 girls. I had an affair with a married man for 2 1/2 years. He was continually telling me he was going to leave his wife that he did not love her and had no physical or emotional attration to her. He does however have 3 other children with his wife and that was his excuse for not being able to get out of the marriage. I tried leaving him numerous time, but he always seemed to work his way back in by telling me that he never loved anyone the way he love me, he wanted me to be his wife and best friend forever, that it was a difficult situation with his kids, but difficult not impossible, me not speaking to him made him realize he could not live without me. I ended up getting pregnant and he was happy and stated that this would make him to what he has needed to do for a very long time and that is to leave his wife. We started looking and found a place to live close to his other children and 2 weeks before we were supposed to move in together he couldn't do. He had told his wife about the affair and our unborn child and she was willing to forgive him with one exception, he is to have nothing to do with this child. He continued telling me that he loved me and wanted to be there for me and our daughter and that he was going to tell his kids and just days before I gave birth to our daughter he decided to stay with his wife (he says for his kids sake). His wife does not want anyone finding out about this, especially his kids. I had to take him to court to get support and he states he wants to be a father to our child, but can only do that once his wife will let him. What should I do? I don't want our daughter not knowing who her father is.

[porter218]

I'm a single mom of 3 girls. I had an affair with a married man for 2 1/2 years. He was continually telling me he was going to leave his wife that he did not love her and had no physical or emotional attration to her. He does however have 3 other children with his wife and that was his excuse for not being able to get out of the marriage. I tried leaving him numerous time, but he always seemed to work his way back in by telling me that he never loved anyone the way he love me, he wanted me to be his wife and best friend forever, that it was a difficult situation with his kids, but difficult not impossible, me not speaking to him made him realize he could not live without me. I ended up getting pregnant and he was happy and stated that this would make him to what he has needed to do for a very long time and that is to leave his wife. We started looking and found a place to live close to his other children and 2 weeks before we were supposed to move in together he couldn't do. He had told his wife about the affair and our unborn child and she was willing to forgive him with one exception, he is to have nothing to do with this child. He continued telling me that he loved me and wanted to be there for me and our daughter and that he was going to tell his kids and just days before I gave birth to our daughter he decided to stay with his wife (he says for his kids sake). His wife does not want anyone finding out about this, especially his kids. I had to take him to court to get support and he states he wants to be a father to our child, but can only do that once his wife will let him. What should I do? I don't want our daughter not knowing who her father is.

WTF?? What the hell is wrong with him. He can have a relationship with his daughter...even if his W doesn't want him to. She has no right to make decisions about your child like that. You need to tell him to man up and to stop letting your child suffer. But on the flip side you also need to leave this weak man out of your love life. He played you pure and simple. He is with his W because he loves her, not just because of his kids. I am sorry you are having to go through this, just stay strong. You shouldn't want a man like this as a role model for your baby, he is a weak sorry excuse for a man. MM will come around one day to be in her life but make sure by then there is someone better in yours.

[wildsoul]

Hello and welcome to the board.

 

I'm sorry about your situation. I can't imagine how hard it must be. No answers for you, but I did want to say hello.

[Spinning Head]

I think for your sake, and your child's sake, you should take the child support and not push the relationship between MM and his daughter. Can you imagine how his W will treat her? And, her half-siblings? It will ruin your daughter's self-esteem. The way MM and his family treats your daughter will affect her for the rest of her life.

[2sure]

He cant leave because if his kids. OK. He cant see his other chilld because of his wife. Regardless of what words he uses - he doesnt want to leave his family and he doesnt want to have visitation with his child with you. He may change his mind later - but at what cost to you and your child to leave that door open on a maybe?

 

His wife, like all mothers, and like yourself, will protect her children to the death. If these means threatening so much as their lunch money, she will protect it. However, she is a mother , and may eventually come to see and accept that your daughter is related to her children. Maybe.

 

It sounds like you were a single mom with two children already, so at least you weren't going in blindly. You have the benefit of experience.

 

Since this guy is so unable to handle decisions on his own, I wouldnt want him walking in and out of the child's life. But I would make him financially accountable to the nth degree. Fortunately, in most states, you can do this without granting him any custody or visitation.

 

The OW almost always get thrown under the bus when it comes down to it - but it is heartbreaking on so many levels when there is a child involved. Yours and theirs.

[Owl]

Basically, I think that the other responders so far are right.

 

Its NOT his wife's fault...its his. He had/has the choice to continue to see you and/or your daughter or not. Its up to him which is more important to him...his relationship with his wife, or his relationship with you and/or your daughter.

 

Yes, his wife set a boundary that she'll no longer remain married to him if he remains in contact with you or his daughter. Bluntly, that's her right to do so. If he CHOOSES to break that agreemant and sees you/her, then he's chosen that over his marriage.

 

Its his CHOICE...and one that it appears that he's made.

 

Frankly...it sounds to me like you and your daughter would be far better without him in your lives.

 

She doesn't need HIM to grow up strong and healthy...find a real man to be her daddy.

[porter218]

Yes, his wife set a boundary that she'll no longer remain married to him if he remains in contact with you or his daughter. Bluntly, that's her right to do so. If he CHOOSES to break that agreemant and sees you/her, then he's chosen that over his marriage.

 

.

I am not so sure about that, I must respectfully disagree. It perhaps is her right to set boundaries about how he is to maintain contact with his child but not if he can have contact with his own child. No woman has the right to take away a childs father under any circumstances, but if he is stupid enough to go along with such a selfish request then to hell with the both of them.

[porter218]

Of course she has the right to put conditions on their marriage. If he wants to see her or his "love" child, he's out of the marriage. He screwed up, now he has to pay the price. It's his choice; her and his new daughter, or his wife and kids.

She can either choose to deal with his mistake or not. If she can't deal with her H seeing his child then that means that she can't live with his mistake so then time for her to move on. I am not saying she can't set boundaries, of coarse she can. A proper boundary would be that he can see his child but only with her(W) present or without the mother present(if the mother goes for that). No matter how much she wants to act like this didn't happen...well it did...and now there is a child.

[Owl]

"Proper" boundary or not...this is a common one that comes up in these kinds of circumstances.

 

And her reasoning behind the boundary is relatively easy to understand...

 

ANY contact between affair partners risk the resumption of the affair.

 

There is no way he can maintain contact with his daughter without contact with her mother.

 

Ergo...no contact with the daughter is a boundary set to protect herself and her marriage from the potential of resuming the affair.

 

I understand your point, but also don't completely agree as this is a consequence of the affair.

 

I'm also a minority in that I don't feel that her daughter will suffer in some fashion by not having contact with the sperm donor. He's NOT a "father" or "daddy" in my book.

[Angel1111]

I think for your sake, and your child's sake, you should take the child support and not push the relationship between MM and his daughter. Can you imagine how his W will treat her? And, her half-siblings? It will ruin your daughter's self-esteem. The way MM and his family treats your daughter will affect her for the rest of her life.

 

I totally agree with this. What this man says and what he does are two completely different things. He probably does love you as much as he says he does, but his love for you cannot compete with the amount of control his wife has over him. Control is not love but don't underestimate this sick dance they do together, and the sheer power of it. It's weak on his part and stupid on his wife's part but this is the relationship they have and it is a bond stronger than what you and he have. Some women see this as a virtue to keep a man even when he doesn't want to be with her. One day it may change for him, he may get sick of it, but don't hold your breath.

 

The only thing I would say is that I think at some point you should make sure that your daughter knows about her other siblings. Someday she may want to contact them. I think it's wrong not to let the kids know they have family somewhere else out there.

[Owl]

I totally agree with this. What this man says and what he does are two completely different things. He probably does love you as much as he says he does, but his love for you cannot compete with the amount of control his wife has over him. Control is not love but don't underestimate this sick dance they do together, and the sheer power of it. It's weak on his part and stupid on his wife's part but this is the relationship they have and it is a bond stronger than what you and he have. Some women see this as a virtue to keep a man even when he doesn't want to be with her. One day it may change for him, he may get sick of it, but don't hold your breath.

 

The only thing I would say is that I think at some point you should make sure that your daughter knows about her other siblings. Someday she may want to contact them. I think it's wrong not to let the kids know they have family somewhere else out there.

 

Angel, you do realize that his wife can't FORCE him to do anything, right?

 

He can leave at any point. He can choose to divorce her, and spend his time with the OP and her daughter if he chooses to.

 

That's NOT what he CHOSE.

 

This isn't some "sick dance". This is a woman who's been betrayed by her husband in the worst possible way, fighting to end any chance of contact between her H and his lover so that her marriage stands a chance of recovering. She's setting boundaries about what she'll accept IN HER MARRIAGE.

 

Its not "weak" or "stupid" to reconcile a marriage after an affair.

[porter218]

Angel, you do realize that his wife can't FORCE him to do anything, right?

 

He can leave at any point. He can choose to divorce her, and spend his time with the OP and her daughter if he chooses to.

 

That's NOT what he CHOSE.

 

This isn't some "sick dance". This is a woman who's been betrayed by her husband in the worst possible way, fighting to end any chance of contact between her H and his lover so that her marriage stands a chance of recovering. She's setting boundaries about what she'll accept IN HER MARRIAGE.

 

Its not "weak" or "stupid" to reconcile a marriage after an affair.

But it is weak and stupid to tell a man to stay away from his own blood. To tell him to choose you over his own child. That is just immature any way you paint it. I understand the reasoning behind why...but it still is wrong. If you are worried about the affair resuming(understandably so) then control how he sees the child ... not if he sees the child. But pointless for me to even continue debating this ... it will do no good... the W will never see this.

[Owl]

Porter, we'll have to agree to disagree.

[Angel1111]

But it is weak and stupid to tell a man to stay away from his own blood. To tell him to choose you over his own child. That is just immature any way you paint it. I understand the reasoning behind why...but it still is wrong. If you are worried about the affair resuming(understandably so) then control how he sees the child ... not if he sees the child. But pointless for me to even continue debating this ... it will do no good... the W will never see this.

 

A husband having a child with the OW is about the biggest insult that a wife would ever have to swallow. But the truth is, her only decision is whether she can forgive this betrayal or not. That's it. It's not about whether or not he can see his daughter. This is where the control issue comes in and where the 'sick dance' between them begins. She controls him, and he lets her.

 

I do understand what Owl is saying. In terms of the decision to be made here, the husband is the most accountable, there's no question about it. And he can definitely do what he wants, which is exactly what he probably will do. In this case, he most likely will start seeing his daughter behind his wife's back because the guilt would become too much for him. His wife thinks she's gaining something by making ridiculous demands but it's just going to backfire on her. Not only that, she's encouraging him to be a father who abandons his children. I wouldn't have a drop of respect for a man who was willing to do that. But if he actually does it, then she helped create a man who's conscious will be pricked so much, that he will most likely decide to abandon her when all is said and done.

 

His wife is trying to sweep this child under the rug and it's going to hang over their marriage like a dark cloud. Not to mention the heartburn she'll feel every month when he has to pay child support. That's why this would be the unforgivable sin for me. I know myself well enough to know that I would not be able to get past it. Nor would I ever ask anyone to stop seeing their own child. So it's a totally no-win situation from my viewpoint. I would just exit stage left and be done with it.

[Trimmer]

Porter, we'll have to agree to disagree.

I actually think you guys are agreeing, in a sense...

 

She can either choose to deal with his mistake or not. If she can't deal with her H seeing his child then that means that she can't live with his mistake so then time for her to move on. I am not saying she can't set boundaries, of coarse she can. A proper boundary would be that he can see his child but only with her(W) present or without the mother present(if the mother goes for that). No matter how much she wants to act like this didn't happen...well it did...and now there is a child.

We can all speculate on whether it would be a "proper" boundary for us or not, but the only person who needs to decide that is the husband.

 

At this point, it doesn't matter - except to ego - who "decides to move on." They each have the opportunity to state what their requirements are to remain in the marriage, and each has the ability to decide to "move on" if their needs and requirements are not met. Certainly he probably has a much weaker hand in terms of being able to state demands, but he still has complete control over his decisions.

 

And note that the wife has no ability to PREVENT him from participating in his new child's life. She has a huge amount of leverage, but it comes only from her ability to state what works for her as far as continuing their marriage after his affair, and she has no ability to force him. He's in a giant bind, but it's one completely of his making.

[wildsoul]

That's why this would be the unforgivable sin for me. I know myself well enough to know that I would not be able to get past it. Nor would I ever ask anyone to stop seeing their own child. So it's a totally no-win situation from my viewpoint. I would just exit stage left and be done with it.

Wowza, I'm with you, Angel111. I cannot imagine being in either the W or OW's role, though I think the W has it much worse. Adding pain to her dillemma is that she has kids w/ him too. So exiting stage left means having him as a PT dad for them. There IS no good solution, only compromises.

[Lizzie60]

I'm a single mom of 3 girls. I had an affair with a married man for 2 1/2 years. He was continually telling me he was going to leave his wife that he did not love her and had no physical or emotional attration to her. He does however have 3 other children with his wife and that was his excuse for not being able to get out of the marriage. I tried leaving him numerous time, but he always seemed to work his way back in by telling me that he never loved anyone the way he love me, he wanted me to be his wife and best friend forever, that it was a difficult situation with his kids, but difficult not impossible, me not speaking to him made him realize he could not live without me. I ended up getting pregnant and he was happy and stated that this would make him to what he has needed to do for a very long time and that is to leave his wife. We started looking and found a place to live close to his other children and 2 weeks before we were supposed to move in together he couldn't do. He had told his wife about the affair and our unborn child and she was willing to forgive him with one exception, he is to have nothing to do with this child. He continued telling me that he loved me and wanted to be there for me and our daughter and that he was going to tell his kids and just days before I gave birth to our daughter he decided to stay with his wife (he says for his kids sake). His wife does not want anyone finding out about this, especially his kids. I had to take him to court to get support and he states he wants to be a father to our child, but can only do that once his wife will let him. What should I do? I don't want our daughter not knowing who her father is.

 

 

If I were you.. I would simply move on with your daughter.. don't waste any more time on this jerk.. he has played you big time.. has now made his choice.. forget about him.. concentrate on your future with your daughter..

 

I would even move far.. far away from him..

[Owl]

If I were you.. I would simply move on with your daughter.. don't waste any more time on this jerk.. he has played you big time.. has now made his choice.. forget about him.. concentrate on your future with your daughter..

 

I would even move far.. far away from him..

 

Lizzie, it don't happen often, but this is one of those times where you and I are in complete agreement!

[Angel1111]

Wowza, I'm with you, Angel111. I cannot imagine being in either the W or OW's role, though I think the W has it much worse. Adding pain to her dillemma is that she has kids w/ him too. So exiting stage left means having him as a PT dad for them. There IS no good solution, only compromises.

 

If I were his wife, the fact that I had kids by him would have nothing to do with it. As far as I'm concerned, the relationship is between the husband and wife - no one else. The only question that needs to be asked is, 'Can I overlook this betrayal?' And the solution is in the answer. All else falls by the wayside. Kids, house, dog, hampsters, whatever. It's all immaterial because, the truth is, the family fell apart when he said "I love you" to another woman and got her pregnant.

 

I wouldn't cling to anyone who crossed that line and I wouldn't concern myself for 2 seconds about his sad PT dad status. I mean, he didn't think about it, why does that become my concern? In my mind, there would be no room for compromise in this situation. It is what it is. I would wish him well and walk away.

[GPFan]

Until one of us has a husband running about spawning children with some other woman, I don't think it's really fair to judge the betrayed wife in any way, shape, or form.

One question that hasn't been asked (unless I missed it) is how long has his wife known? If she has been recently hit with a betrayal of this magnitude, then she must still be reeling and in shock.

 

Conventional wisdom informs us that it takes a couple about two-years to fully recover from an affair. How much longer would it take when there is a child thrown into the mix?

 

Even though an innocent child is involved, so is the wife innocent and her children are innocent. Harsh judgment should be reserved for the perpetrators who, in choosing unwisely, are hurting all the children.

[lovinmylife]

hello everybody!

 

well it sounds to me as if the wife didn't really tell him not to see his children. she just said "i'll forgive you IF ...." meaning she, as the wife, can only handle so much pain. the ball is in his court. HE is using his wife and children as an excuse not to leave.

[bentnotbroken]

If I were you.. I would simply move on with your daughter.. don't waste any more time on this jerk.. he has played you big time.. has now made his choice.. forget about him.. concentrate on your future with your daughter..

 

I would even move far.. far away from him..

 

 

 

 

 

This, I agree with. I think the weak water excuse for a man shouldn't have contact with any of his children. He obviously doesn't know how to be a decent role model, a good parent or a man. He should be de-nutted for for having the audacity to call himself a male.

[bentnotbroken]

One question that hasn't been asked (unless I missed it) is how long has his wife known? If she has been recently hit with a betrayal of this magnitude, then she must still be reeling and in shock.

 

Conventional wisdom informs us that it takes a couple about two-years to fully recover from an affair. How much longer would it take when there is a child thrown into the mix?

 

Even though an innocent child is involved, so is the wife innocent and her children are innocent. Harsh judgment should be reserved for the perpetrators who, in choosing unwisely, are hurting all the children.

 

 

Indeed. Wise words.

[porter218]

Until one of us has a husband running about spawning children with some other woman, I don't think it's really fair to judge the betrayed wife in any way, shape, or form.

I had to face this fear before. My H was cheating and there was one slip up that easilly could have resulted in a baby. I would feel like a selfish @sshole if I told him to be a bad father in order to keep me...I wouldn't be able to live with that. I know that I never will have the right to ask a man to abandon his child for me. But I would have the right to walk away from my M ..which I would if he fathered a child with someone he cared about.

[crystal_lostheart]

I think this is just a really heartbreaking sitution - mostly for the children