2cold2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 First of all hi to everyone, I have been lurking for some time. I will tell my story later. Just have a question, any answers are welcome. When an EA turns into a PA and you just become wild and blind and do no matter what to be with the person you are involved with, when you convince yourself you are in love with that person but you are BOTH married with children, how do you try to control that irrational side? There's no turn off switch, I know. Does NC really work?
Author 2cold2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 what if you have NC for a week and then fall into the arms of the other person, as it has happened to me? It is really sad to have lack of self-control. It's shameful, I know. I have been involved with another person for over a month. Someone I know for 3 years. I am not going to justify my affair with mine or his unhappy marriage, I think there are no excuses for an affair. I am too lazy to end my marriage and that's awful. I know I shouldn't have let things get this far, but they have gotten this far, that's reality and I should face the consequences. Now I have been feeling happy as hell, go figure, cheating on my husband and feeling happy. Is this normal? Shouldn't I be feeling extremely guilty?? Is it because it's the so called forbidden fruit?
Owl Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Affairs are ADDICTIVE. Rewrite your question above..."What if the crack addict went cold turkey for a week, but then went and got a fix?". Giving yourself a week to go through the withdrawls that come about at the end of the affair isn't giving NC a real opportunity at all. Its just a ploy to reaffirm your convictions that OM is "the one". Frankly, if you're "too lazy" to end your marriage, you're probably "too lazy" to end the affair as well. So the odds are high that if you continue to remain "too lazy"...this is going to go on until one of the two of you is caught, and its all out in the open. If you're "too lazy" to end your marriage...why don't you tell your H about how you feel about OM/MM? Get it all out in the open...see what comes from that? That will force change of some kind...one way or another. Otherwise, you can count on this dynamic remaining the same until you're busted. Make sense?
Author 2cold2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 It does make sense. And yes, this is my first affair and never would I think this would be SO addictive. If I tell my husband I am just getting an excuse to end my marriage in the worst manner, if it were the other way round I would kick him out so I would have to leave if he found out, I know him too well. I could end my marriage right now yes, or end the affair. I have no idea if this affair would ever become true love, I doubt that, so ending my marriage would be to move on with my life and kids, no husband and no MM and that would probably be the best choice. I know we're both playing with fire here, especially because his wife knows that he has a very close relationship with me and is obviously suspicious of an affair but we are terrified by the NC idea. MM keeps pressuring that he can't stand not seeing me and that makes things even worse.
lkjh Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 You could always try growing up and doing whats right for your H and kids not just yourself. Be honest and let your H find someone else. I hate when people say confessing is selfish when in reality the affair is the selfish part. Also you can't really believe this guy actually loves you, once his wife finds out he will make you out to be some kind of monster that would not leave him alone and himself a victim
Owl Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 From my perspective, telling your H really is about your only choice that makes sense. He's going to find out... Odds are high he's noticed the changes in your behavior since the affair started...but hasn't YET put the facts together. He'll EITHER kick you out, or he'll fight to win you back. That could be the catalyst for change in your marriage.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Now I have been feeling happy as hell, go figure, cheating on my husband and feeling happy. Is this normal? Shouldn't I be feeling extremely guilty?? Is it because it's the so called forbidden fruit? No, the guilt just comes later on. It hits like a hurricane and doesn't go away for a long time. When it does the landscape of your heart is changed forever, and not usually for the better. You need to end your marriage with all due haste, and as much honesty as you can muster. You don't need to tell him who or when, just that your done with the marriage and you have met someone else. Period. Then it's up to your MM to set things straight with his wife. That's not your job, or responsibility.
Author 2cold2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 You could always try growing up and doing whats right for your H and kids not just yourself. Be honest and let your H find someone else. I hate when people say confessing is selfish when in reality the affair is the selfish part. Also you can't really believe this guy actually loves you, once his wife finds out he will make you out to be some kind of monster that would not leave him alone and himself a victim But of course the affair is selfish Did I say I was doing a pretty thing?? Any addiction is selfish and hurts EVERYONE involved, for goodness sake. Oh, and thanks for predicting what this MM feels and what he will do. How do you do that? Have a crystal ball?
Author 2cold2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 From my perspective, telling your H really is about your only choice that makes sense. He's going to find out... Odds are high he's noticed the changes in your behavior since the affair started...but hasn't YET put the facts together. He'll EITHER kick you out, or he'll fight to win you back. That could be the catalyst for change in your marriage. You are probably right, Owl... I just don't know if this marriage would survive that.
Author 2cold2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 No, the guilt just comes later on. It hits like a hurricane and doesn't go away for a long time. When it does the landscape of your heart is changed forever, and not usually for the better. You need to end your marriage with all due haste, and as much honesty as you can muster. You don't need to tell him who or when, just that your done with the marriage and you have met someone else. Period. Then it's up to your MM to set things straight with his wife. That's not your job, or responsibility. Oh absolutely, If I end my marriage I don't want to keep waiting for MM to leave his wife.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 You are probably right, Owl... I just don't know if this marriage would survive that. Do you want it to survive?
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Oh, and thanks for predicting what this MM feels and what he will do. How do you do that? Have a crystal ball? Because 9/10 a MM will throw the OW under the bus after D-Day (discovery day of the affair) and tell his wife she meant nothing to him, that she was the one who pursued him, that she's crazy and won't leave him alone.. Hate to say it, but there is a script that seems to happen, a pattern - You'll see this once you read many threads in this section. He'll also try to continue the A afterwards too, tell you the opposite of what he tells his wife. This guy may love you, but not enough to end his marriage and walk away from his family. He loves himself more.
Author 2cold2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Do you want it to survive? At this point I really don't know what to think anymore. whichwayisup, I think I am reacting the same way as you're describing the MM. I am not leaving my marriage for an affair, to me they are separate things. And who knows what I would tell my husband if he found out...
wildsoul Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 You've got many of the classic symptoms of addiction/compulsion, one of which is that you have tried to break it off, but can't. Another one is how you ended up in someone else's arms. It's complicated to sort out, but sex/love are potent drugs. You're medicating some kind of personal pain. But the TRAP is that they we become addicted to the highs of the medication, and suffer more pain as we get tossed around on the highs/lows of the affair. Honestly, I don't think you can break this without help. You're not the first person in the world to be caught in a compusive dynamic. There are therapists and groups such as Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous that specialize in this sort of thing. Before confessing to your H, perhaps you should start getting some counsel on what to do and how to do it. Yes, NC will be required. And expect that NC is going to be hard, and plan for support to get through it. One of the great things about this board, is people really have a lot of expertise on NC.
Author 2cold2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Wildsoul, thanks so much for the link... I have already noticed there is a NC thread here. I will eventually end up there somehow, hopefully.
lkjh Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Oh, and thanks for predicting what this MM feels and what he will do. How do you do that? Have a crystal ball? I don't need a crystal ball all I need to do is go back on this forum and read the five thousand post just like yours and they all end up the same. The woman starts to feel in love, thinks the man is unhappy in his M, she ends her marriage and disrupts her childrens lives in the worst possible way, he keeps putting off leaving his wife and bad mouths the OW, then one day he throws her away and she realizes that she was just some action on the side. There is nothing new to your story even your excuse for not wanting to tell your H is the same that everyone uses that is why its pretty easy to tell what he will do.
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