No Contact eating me alive

[wayfaerer1]

My girlfriend and I broke up 5 days ago, we had been dating for over 3 years. I called her the day after we broke up, then chatted with her online the next day, and then on day 3 I called her so that I could make sure I knew where we stood. She was a little annoyed I had continued talking with her when she wanted to avoid communication for a while.

 

I finally realized that I just need to give her what she wants - space. It's now day 3 of no contact.

 

I have to be honest - this is eating me alive.

 

The hardest part, is that she seems as if she may have made a mistake by deciding for us to split up - I could tell by the tone of her voice, she was saying things like, "I don't want to lose you, what we had, I don't think can ever be found again, but I don't want to regret not having the chance to at least see if that is as true as I believe it to be."

 

I just asked her to tell me if this is really the end, or if this is really what she wants, that is, giving her space to figure out what she wants.

 

I thought about so many times sending her an e-mail, calling her, or texting. So far I've been strong and have not given in, respecting what she wants.

 

Every day that passes that we don't communicate, hurts more and more.

 

But, I suppose the only option I have right now is just to back the hell off.

 

Maybe she will realize in a week or maybe two weeks? That, hey, this guy is not clinging to me, and he's not begging me to reconsider.

 

Ugh, just so many emotions running through my head right now, the last time I talked to her, I pretty much left it at, "well, if you don't want to lose me, then you know what to do, In the meantime I'm going to make the best of this situation and better myself, when you've had some time on your own and you feel the time is right to talk again, you know how to reach me, goodbye."

 

Talking to friends helps, but it's such a terrible feeling, not knowing what the future has in store.

 

We've traveled the world together, I mean, we've visited other states, spent days at a time with each other, been to Disney World by ourselves for a week, gone to the beach and stayed for days with each other, I mean, this was a serious relationship.

 

That's what makes it so hard to be strong and let her go.

 

I just feel like, if things will ever work out between us, I need to let her know that I can grow strong without her, that I don't need to beg.

 

So, maybe no contact is really the best thing to do. I'll do my best to try and meet new people, but that will take some time. I want to make the most out of this seperation as well.

 

Right now I just feel so alone, and have little desire to do anything at all...Just miserable.

[CJos]

Hi Wayfaerer,

 

I know it's tough for you right now. I've been there and there's not much worse. It CAN be the hardest thing in the world not to contact your ex, but believe it or not it's the best thing to do right now.

 

The other thing I should tell you is that you should send her a letter (handwritten). In the letter tell her that you agree with the breakup. You could mention you realize that there were problems and you were thinking about it yourself. It doesn't hurt to apologize (esp if she told you a reason why she broke up with you), just don't be too flip. Make it short and don't go on and on about how much you love her or anything like that. End it by saying that you can still be friends.

 

This will cause her to think differently about you. That's a good thing. If you keep contacting her, texting, calling or whatever you will just make her feel guilty or mad. You also come across as desperate and pitiful. Those things are not attractive. If you send the letter and then no more contact from you (for at least a month) she will begin to rethink things. You will allow her time to miss you and what you had together.

 

Believe me these tactics are powerful, and you CAN turn things around.

Take a little advice from someone who's been married for 32 years!

[nowhereman82]

Stick with NC man. It's hard, and you will fall off the wagon but hop back on.

 

You are going to look back a couple months from now and wish you hadn't done the things you did (contacted her all the time, begged, pleaded, dealed, etc).

 

I am just now at a point to where I can understand the real issues at hand. You might think you know what the problems are or how to fix them....but you don't really. Take this time for yourself.

 

I speak to my ex on occasion and she has said she has thought about the "what if we gave it another try". I think by me moving on and showing I have changed and understand the underlying issues....it attracts her. I am still doing my own thing (for the most part) and dating others, but it's nice to know it works and that by doing NC I was able to shake the pain, even if i still love her and it's made her question how she feels for me.

 

BIG NOTE: NC is NOT to get them back. But staying in contact when the breakup is so fresh will push her away as well and make her harbage negative feelings towards you....you don't want her to see you at your bottom (sad, lost).

[wayfaerer1]

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

I actually did talk to her today, and although I probably shouldn't have, I said some things to her that I feel like I didn't get to say before.

 

I told her that as much as I was upset about it, I understand the situation and I will take this time as well to better my own self.

 

And I also told her that for too long I didn't care enough about my self, and now is the time to give myself the attention I deserve.

 

She sounded happy to hear my voice, and I asked her how the "no contact" thing was working for her on her end. She told me it's nice that she doesn't feel like she HAS to call me all the time, because she's busy with school work (college), but that she still wonders what I'm doing, and what I'm up to. That there are times when she knows I'd be there to vent to about every day things and I'm not.

 

She also got onto the subject of what our "status" is, and I said, "well, what do you think our status is?"

 

She said, "I don't want to say "broken", but more taking time to re-discover ourselves as individuals, I think it's healthy for us."

 

She had also asked me about an away message I had up the other day about my pet, wanting to know if my cat was alright.

 

Then she said she had to really run, because she had reading to finish for a class in 30 minutes. She ended the convo with, "I'll talk to you in a couple days".

 

I don't expect it to be a couple days, just preparing myself for the worst, but at least she didn't give me the whole, "Why the hell are you calling me." She certainly was not annoyed at all, almost made her happy to know I was doing well.

 

Then after the convo ended, a few minutes later, she sent me a text message that said, "Sorry! I just had to run - so busy!"

 

Anyway, that was the last time I'll call her, but I needed to know how she'd react. The next time she tries calling me, I think I need try and hold back from talking to her, or act like I have no time at all to talk.

 

I don't want her to think I'm just always available for her.

 

I guess I wanted to know if she was still thinking about me - after being together for almost 4 years, I would hope so. But she does still wonder, even though she's tied up with school work.

 

Just a little update, but I think I should stick to the "no contact" rule.

 

I need to try and be a man about this, and I need to flirt with another girl this weekend and have some fun, I need it myself. Not to prove anything to her.

[wayfaerer1]

Yeah, I think trying to move on and changing myself and my appearence by hitting the gym (helps relieve some stress) will help.

 

I don't want to be the same me, if and when we meet again. I guess I need this too. It just bugs the hell out of me to wonder what she's possibly doing with another guy while we're seperated, that's the hardest part.

[chacha7]

Wayfaerer, don't forget the advice you gave me...stick to NC, workout to take your mind off of it, talk to me if necessary... as i think we are going through a lot of the same exact things, except we are the opposite sex. lol. anyway I know its hard, today was an especially tough day for me for no apparent reason. Just try to remember the bad things, that helps. Like all of those never ending annoyances that you might have fought over all the time. I know how it feels to wonder if they are hanging out with other people, like guys, or in my case girls. That kills, like could they really be that insensitive and get over me that fast while im suffering, but if you don't know for sure, don't harp on that feeling. You don't know if that is happening. Good luck!

[yongyong]

in the same situation.

I think she is feeling the same way but she can't talk to me first because of her stupid ego (I didn't dump her, she did lol)

[wayfaerer1]

Thanks for the support guys.

 

Yeah, I know I need to stick to it, if she tries calling me sometime soon, maybe it's best if I give her the impression that I can't talk for long or that I have to run, kinda thing.

 

I have been going to the gym since a few days ago, and it certainly helps, but it doesn't take away the pain and the frustration.

 

I'm a recent college grad, (she's still in college), so this weekend, my old roomate said I should come up to the apartment for the weekend, to tailgate for the football game, and hit the bar scene, try to mingle or dance with some people, have fun really.

 

I think that's what I need. I know she'll probably be going out as well, so if I stay in and mope, that is going to kill me.

 

I just don't know what to do, I feel so confused. I feel like she's just being a woman (no offense to the women here), acting real selfish and putting herself over anyone else, but then if the opportunity arises, she'll try something new with another guy at a bar.

 

I know she still has feelings for me, but right now, she seems to be forcing herself to stick to this plan of being on our own.

 

But rest assured guys, I can tell you this, if you were dating your ex for a significant amount of time, I guaruntee that person is thinking about you, believe me, they are, they're just avoiding expressing it. So, don't worry about that.

 

The crappy feeling is knowing whether or not things will ever be again.

 

One thing I'm slowly learning, is that if you really want things to work again, you have to improve yourself both mentally and physically.

 

Your ex is not going to be attracted to the same you, you need to use this time focus on your own needs.

 

I know right now it seems hard, and believe, I'm still really upset, but you have to learn that now is "me" time - Take care of yourself, do things you couldn't do before.

 

If your ex has second thoughts someday, your chances will be greatly improved if they realize you're more in shape, not begging for their attention anymore, and most importantly, that they see you're happy without them in your life.

 

I can do it...I CAN DO IT. And I know you guys can do it too!

 

Keep talking on here to vent, stay strong guys. I wish you all the best of luck.

[wayfaerer1]

Yongyong,

 

Because she is the one who did the dumping, she wants to believe she made the right decision, so that is naturally inflating her ego.

 

The only thing that will tell is time.

 

Time is the only medicine, whether you get back together or you start to get over the crappy feeling, time will make everything better.

 

And, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Time is the deciding factor, not you. Just stay strong, and have fun. Be yourself again.

 

You'll learn that you CAN make yourself happy without someone else, and believe me, it feels damn good. Really boosts your self esteem and your ego.

 

And that is what will make the pain go away.

 

I'm in your shoes bro, I know exactly how you feel, right now I feel like pulling out my hair.

 

Take it one day at a time.

[wayfaerer1]

Hi Wayfaerer,

 

I know it's tough for you right now. I've been there and there's not much worse. It CAN be the hardest thing in the world not to contact your ex, but believe it or not it's the best thing to do right now.

 

The other thing I should tell you is that you should send her a letter (handwritten). In the letter tell her that you agree with the breakup. You could mention you realize that there were problems and you were thinking about it yourself. It doesn't hurt to apologize (esp if she told you a reason why she broke up with you), just don't be too flip. Make it short and don't go on and on about how much you love her or anything like that. End it by saying that you can still be friends.

 

This will cause her to think differently about you. That's a good thing. If you keep contacting her, texting, calling or whatever you will just make her feel guilty or mad. You also come across as desperate and pitiful. Those things are not attractive. If you send the letter and then no more contact from you (for at least a month) she will begin to rethink things. You will allow her time to miss you and what you had together.

 

Believe me these tactics are powerful, and you CAN turn things around.

Take a little advice from someone who's been married for 32 years!

 

Thanks Cjos,

 

That means a lot - I really hope things work out, I hate to think that time is the only deciding factor, but I guess it really is.

 

Tonight just feels especially hard...Going to bed alone makes me so sad

 

*sigh* I just want her here by my side...Maybe she needs this time off to realize if what we had was really that valuable to her.

 

I hate waking up in the morning, I just want to take a pill and fall asleep for 3 weeks, then see what happened.

[seminoles84]

Waking up is always the hardest for me!

[wayfaerer1]

Waking up is always the hardest for me!

 

I know exactly the feeling - Going to bed is hard enough, but for some reason, I dread waking up in the morning.

 

Knowing I have to face another painful day makes me not want to open my eyes in the morning.

[seminoles84]

I know exactly the feeling - Going to bed is hard enough, but for some reason, I dread waking up in the morning.

 

Knowing I have to face another painful day makes me not want to open my eyes in the morning.

 

Bah! Or waking up after having a dream of them.. I force myself to sleep til I dream about something else!

 

I'm a horrible morning person.. I bet if I could train myself to wake up and run a mile or two I'd feel better...

[wayfaerer1]

Take out your anger, sadness, and frustration at the gym - it helps, and you're only making yourself look better, which is always a plus.

 

Welp, tomorrow is Friday, and I think this weekend I need to go out, although I'm not ready for the whole dating scene right now, I think being around other happy people can't be a bad thing.

 

You guys should do the same, head out this weekend and enjoy yourselves.

 

I'll be checking in in the morning, because it's going to be rough tomorrow.

 

Leave some love.

[yongyong]

I am dealing with selfish, high ego person so I am not sure if one person has to give in first.

 

I was talking about possible date at restaurant. (she said 'you don't have to wait for me, if you find someone, let me know)

but she got mad (even though she said 'no I don't care', becasue of ****ing ego she can't even admit that) and started to talking about some guy she said she met couple times and she said 'now I will start dating'

 

After hearing that, I told her 'bye' and left the table without looking back.

 

when I was driving home she sent me txt saying 'guess what I lied, now you can go out and have fun!!'

My intuition says she sent that cuz she wanted me to know she didn't meet anyone yet and she didn't expect I would leave like that

(if she won't see me again, why does she need to explain that?)

 

I didn't reply to her and I am spending 2nd day of NC

 

She forces herself to say she doesn't want to be with me even though I see some tears in her eyes.

Since I damaged her 'precious ego', I don't know if she would contact me.

 

 

 

 

Yongyong,

 

Because she is the one who did the dumping, she wants to believe she made the right decision, so that is naturally inflating her ego.

 

The only thing that will tell is time.

 

Time is the only medicine, whether you get back together or you start to get over the crappy feeling, time will make everything better.

 

And, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Time is the deciding factor, not you. Just stay strong, and have fun. Be yourself again.

 

You'll learn that you CAN make yourself happy without someone else, and believe me, it feels damn good. Really boosts your self esteem and your ego.

 

And that is what will make the pain go away.

 

I'm in your shoes bro, I know exactly how you feel, right now I feel like pulling out my hair.

 

Take it one day at a time.

[wayfaerer1]

It just sucks.

 

It's been a week since we split, I don't think a week is enough time to figure things out though.

 

It's probably going to take at least a few weeks before she realizes anything.

 

Right now she's being selfish, even though she sounded happy to talk to me on the phone yesterday.

 

I'm gonna let her come to me though.

[wayfaerer1]

Anyone else going through no contact?

 

We talked a couple times since we broke up, it's been just about a week now.

 

Anyone ever been on the other side of this? (the dumper) How long did it take you for you to realize what you had was gone, and did you think of that other person?

 

I suppose one week is not very much time? Maybe I'm overreacting.

[stillafool]

Why do you say she is selfish? I think it will be easier or you if you do not contact her. Every time you talk to her it is going to make you feel worse to know that she is doing okay with NC and you are not. If she feels this time is "healthy" for the two of you it doesn't sound like she is concerned that you may move on to someone else. In otherwords, you are just waiting in the wings for her return. The only way to make her miss you and want to come back is to not talk to her (by any means) so she will miss you. If she thinks you are sitting around waiting on her text, call, email or whatever it keeps giving her the power and the upper hand. She is the one who asked for space and you should give her more than she ever hoped for.

[wayfaerer1]

Yeah - I think that is best course of action.

 

I think really giving her what she wants, and then more by avoiding her when SHE wants to talk will do two things - either she won't care or it will bother her enough to find out why I'm avoiding her calls, texts, IMs, whatever.

[Drakakhan]

My wife wants a divorce with me. The thing is she hasn't sent the letter yet requesting the divorce although she left me a month ago. I thought, I might try this NC approach as well. After only a week she called me to insult me because I had sent a message to a nephew of her telling him about the divorce. We had a real big fight, she told me she was going to look for a 'real man' and I told her that she should stop fooling around and send the letter and get it over with. I also told her that a courageous woman wouldn't ask for a divorce over the phone and leave her man work out the divorce details. I really think I blew it but maybe it's for the best. It strikes me as strange that she makes such a fuzz about me telling this nephew of her that she wants a divorce. I really don't get her at all and maybe it's time to move on.

[wayfaerer1]

Hang in there man.

 

People will tell you different opinions about No Contact, but I think it really is the best whatever the situation is.

 

You'll feel better if you go no contact and let her contact you first.

 

Don't make her think that you're still available for her anytime, make her think that you're moving on.

 

Just be mature about it whatever you do, women do respect that.

[stillafool]

Yeah - I think that is best course of action.

 

I think really giving her what she wants, and then more by avoiding her when SHE wants to talk will do two things - either she won't care or it will bother her enough to find out why I'm avoiding her calls, texts, IMs, whatever.

 

 

Exactly. It will be hard at first but after the 1st two weeks you will have a whole new prospective on things. I'm sure when she doesn't hear from you in a couple of weeks she will wonder what you are doing and with who. First, see if she calls you in a couple of days like she said she would. If she does I would be pleasant and definitely the first one to get off the phone. After that go completely NC but don't tell her you're going to.

[wayfaerer1]

Yeah - I'm starting to realize that's exactly the plan I need to stick to.

 

Let's see if she takes the bait...

 

I'm not giving up, but I'm not going to continue to mope and cry.

 

She thinks she has me where she wants me - in her pocket.

 

Time to play hardball.

 

Love is a battlefield.

[nickelinadime]

I'm going through a no contact also.

 

It was hard because we were best friends before the breakup and she was having a hard time fill the void that I left. She even bought a dog. Apparently it doesn't work.

 

We were going through limited contact until I decided to go hard no contact for a few weeks to a month (or until I feel less territorial).

 

It sucks a lot, but stick to the plan buddy! It'll get better, I promise! I always use the rule "treat it like a breakup incase it is one". Don't expect a second chance, and if it comes, be greatful.

[EmperorR]

My girlfriend and I broke up 5 days ago, we had been dating for over 3 years. I called her the day after we broke up, then chatted with her online the next day, and then on day 3 I called her so that I could make sure I knew where we stood. She was a little annoyed I had continued talking with her when she wanted to avoid communication for a while.

 

I finally realized that I just need to give her what she wants - space. It's now day 3 of no contact.

 

I have to be honest - this is eating me alive.

 

The hardest part, is that she seems as if she may have made a mistake by deciding for us to split up - I could tell by the tone of her voice, she was saying things like, "I don't want to lose you, what we had, I don't think can ever be found again, but I don't want to regret not having the chance to at least see if that is as true as I believe it to be."

 

I just asked her to tell me if this is really the end, or if this is really what she wants, that is, giving her space to figure out what she wants.

 

I thought about so many times sending her an e-mail, calling her, or texting. So far I've been strong and have not given in, respecting what she wants.

 

Every day that passes that we don't communicate, hurts more and more.

 

But, I suppose the only option I have right now is just to back the hell off.

 

Maybe she will realize in a week or maybe two weeks? That, hey, this guy is not clinging to me, and he's not begging me to reconsider.

 

Ugh, just so many emotions running through my head right now, the last time I talked to her, I pretty much left it at, "well, if you don't want to lose me, then you know what to do, In the meantime I'm going to make the best of this situation and better myself, when you've had some time on your own and you feel the time is right to talk again, you know how to reach me, goodbye."

 

Talking to friends helps, but it's such a terrible feeling, not knowing what the future has in store.

 

We've traveled the world together, I mean, we've visited other states, spent days at a time with each other, been to Disney World by ourselves for a week, gone to the beach and stayed for days with each other, I mean, this was a serious relationship.

 

That's what makes it so hard to be strong and let her go.

 

I just feel like, if things will ever work out between us, I need to let her know that I can grow strong without her, that I don't need to beg.

 

So, maybe no contact is really the best thing to do. I'll do my best to try and meet new people, but that will take some time. I want to make the most out of this seperation as well.

 

Right now I just feel so alone, and have little desire to do anything at all...Just miserable.

 

your in the same boat as me

 

I feel so alone etc., I have nothing i feel, i dont feel like eating, i wake up like 3am every night and check my phone to see maybe i got a call or a text, the worst part for me is staying home, for the first time in my life i love work at least it gives me something to do for 8 hours and gets my mind of thinking of her.

 

YOu said goodbye before you started NC, i was going to but decided not to, i know it sounds pathetic but i still think there is a spark between it, if she doesnt contact me then hey ill still keep going on, maybe we are right ofr each other but maybe not right now. The worst part is I feel horrible like last month i wanted some time to myself etc. and now i have all the time to myself and I hate it, I have some big sticker above my computer telling me Don't Do it, whenever i feel like writing her a email txt, going on msn or ahoo i just look at it lol.