HopeDiesLast Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Being that i have never dumped someone, minus a few duds that lasted a few months, i need the help/perspective of the dumper. what goes through your head when your ex tries to contact you? Do you think "Wow, this loser still isnt over this?" Do you feel pity for them and nothing else? Do you feel guilt? Yeah i know- focus on me, not the ex. But i'm just wondering what the hell he thinks. Cus i just dont get it. I can't beleive that hes just over me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I never thought anything like the 'loser' part. Just frustration and resentment at being put in a position to feel guilty. I never liked feeling responsible for another person's sadness. Getting calls from the ex would make me feel backed into an emotional corner, and we all know what happens when you back someone in a corner: they bolt and run you over in an attempt to escape. Often I would overreact in a cold or dismissive way in order to keep them at a safe distance: one that would preclude any 'winning me back'. I doubt your ex thinks you are a loser, but I also doubt he likes being reminded that he hurt you, particularly when there isn't much he can do about it. It would probably be best to not contact for a while.
Treasa Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 It depends. With shorter relationships I didn't care much. There was one relationship I was in, however, that had lasted three years. We were engaged and everything. However, it just wasn't going anywhere, and I had emotionally checked out before I even broke it off. When I broke it off I felt bad, and I still cared for him, but I no longer wanted to be with him. Honestly, it wasn't all that difficult to get over him. I wanted to move on, and pretty much limited or cut off contact with him. I think he's happily married now, which is a relief, because he was pretty busted up when I broke up with him. But that was a LONG time. Like, over 10 years ago.
flc Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 If it is just a couple of dates then there is not much thought. If there has been any intimacy then it gets complicated and for me it is how to convey why I no longer want to be with that person without making the experience painful for either of us. My main emotion is usually sadness that things did not work out.
BCCA Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I never thought anything like the 'loser' part. Just frustration and resentment at being put in a position to feel guilty. I never liked feeling responsible for another person's sadness. Getting calls from the ex would make me feel backed into an emotional corner, and we all know what happens when you back someone in a corner: they bolt and run you over in an attempt to escape. Often I would overreact in a cold or dismissive way in order to keep them at a safe distance: one that would preclude any 'winning me back'. I doubt your ex thinks you are a loser, but I also doubt he likes being reminded that he hurt you, particularly when there isn't much he can do about it. It would probably be best to not contact for a while. I think this is a pretty fair assesment. No one likes to be made to feel guilty, especially when they think theyre are doing the right thing for themselves. I dont think he's just over you, per say, but he's over the relationship, and anything you have to say is only going to make him feel bad. Most people dont want anyone around who is only going to make them feel bad.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 i dont wanna make him feel bad. i just want to understand. i guess that does make sense. i mean at this point, if an ex comes back....its something they decide. so me texting him isnt gonna change or make things worse. is it?
Treasa Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Yes, you texting him would either not change things or make it worse. If he wanted to be with you, he would definitely let you know. My boyfriend broke up with me and didn't let anything stop him when he realized he missed me and wanted me back. No matter how much love he may have felt for you at one point, or may still feel for you, he doesn't want to be with you anymore. It sucks, but that should mean that you don't want to be with him either. Don't you want someone who's crazy about you and won't let anything stop him from being with you?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 so me texting him isnt gonna change or make things worse. is it? It depends on whether he is feeling guilty or whether he is feeling indifferent. If he is feeling indifferent, then no harm. He just won't care either way. If he is feeling in the least bit guilty though, continuing to contact him won't help. He will oblige you out of kindness and guilt, but eventually will come to resent having to do so.
ioncebelieved Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 In a weird sense, I am the dumper and unlike many on here It about killed me!!! If she would have changed things around I would have never wanted to depart from the relationship!! The decision was done over several months off and on kind of thing. Finally, I really think she grew tired of leading two lives and never would commit to me. I have been in NC over two months as she has and really seems she has fallen off the face of the earth. If she ever came back and changed in vital areas, Her and I could have a textbook romantic love that would last a lifetime!! Oh it has been very hard on me and I held onto her for almost two years with her having her cake and eating it. When it ended, I tried to hold on, but the frazzled rope finally gave way. I still love her more than anything in this world and think about and miss her terribly! My dignity ultimately became destroyed by her and I had no choice to go NC!!!
CJos Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Hope, I feel for you in your situation and I know it's awful. The desperate, lonely "I can't live without him" feelings. They can make you act kind of crazy, like constantly texting or calling him. Those things will annoy him. However, there could be hope for your relationship. You need to give your ex some space right now (and you need it too). Right after a breakup there's just so much raw emotion that the person who was dumped usually ends up driving their ex even further away. By not having any contact for about a month, you will allow him to start to miss you. And he will wonder what's going on and why you haven't contacted him. Another tactic that is effective is to send him a letter(not a text), a handwritten letter. In the letter tell him that you agree to the breakup! Yes, you read it right! Apologize for acting a bit crazy (if you've been trying to contact him a lot)It's also good if you mention that it's something that you'd been thinking about for awhile and considered doing yourself. That will totally confound him. Do NOT contact him to ask him what he thinks. Let him stew on it awhile. Many times guys will want to initiate contact again if you play it cool. People want what is out of their reach. Just play it cool and go REALLY slowly if he does make contact. That's my 2 cents worth!
Author HopeDiesLast Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 this stuff is so hard. i def. feel better now than i did a few months ago. but its so confusing. i cant tell you what i want- each day seems different. i know fundamentally what i want. but im just so confused. and i miss HIM.
0hpenelope Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Being that i have never dumped someone, minus a few duds that lasted a few months, i need the help/perspective of the dumper. what goes through your head when your ex tries to contact you? Do you think "Wow, this loser still isnt over this?" Do you feel pity for them and nothing else? Do you feel guilt? Yeah i know- focus on me, not the ex. But i'm just wondering what the hell he thinks. Cus i just dont get it. I can't beleive that hes just over me. I'm the kind of dumper most would dislike. To me, it's easier to "kill" my own emotions towards the guy I'm breaking up with. It's easier for the dumpers to do this. We're more gone emotionally, after all. I deal with my guilt by being... cold. When they try to speak to me, I walk away. I don't talk to them, I don't acknowledge them, I don't do anything. To me, nothing good will come out of keeping in touch with me - even if to keep lines open to 'someday' or whatnot - because I'm done. When I burn bridges, I don't look back. But I did feel something during the break-up. Missing, yearning, etc. It's just that I don't show it. The only "cold comfort" I get in my actions when I feel really bad is by telling myself at least I was honest. Any actions that have warmth in them will mostly result in harboring false hope on their part.
reservoirdog1 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I never thought anything like the 'loser' part. Just frustration and resentment at being put in a position to feel guilty. I never liked feeling responsible for another person's sadness. Getting calls from the ex would make me feel backed into an emotional corner, and we all know what happens when you back someone in a corner: they bolt and run you over in an attempt to escape. Often I would overreact in a cold or dismissive way in order to keep them at a safe distance: one that would preclude any 'winning me back'. I doubt your ex thinks you are a loser, but I also doubt he likes being reminded that he hurt you, particularly when there isn't much he can do about it. It would probably be best to not contact for a while. I agree with most of this. XGF, who I broke up with about 2 months ago, has been in contact with me a number of times since then (many by necessity, since we had to unbundle a shared residence). Some of those contacts have been (from her) very sad, or angry, or otherwise guilt-inducing, whether email or phone. So much so that every time I see her name on my call display or see a new email from her, I feel a bit apprehensive. I certainly don't think "what a loser", because I went through a horrible time after my XW ended the marriage five years ago and I know how it feels. That time was somewhat different because XW and I had to remain in contact due to the kids. In the present case there are no shared kids with XGF. I do, however, feel pity, and a lot of guilt for being the cause of her pain. I consider myself to be a generally good person, so knowing that my actions have hurt her does sting, no doubt about it. She's been up and down; sometimes she's in sad/angry places, and other times (like right now) she seems to have accepted things and to be at peace with it. But, there have been a number of ups and downs like that since the breakup, and I'm sure I haven't heard the last of the bad stuff. I guess I'll still experience those feelings of dread until there's been a sustained period of non-guilt inducing communication from her.
confused and broken Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Being that i have never dumped someone, minus a few duds that lasted a few months, i need the help/perspective of the dumper. what goes through your head when your ex tries to contact you? Do you think "Wow, this loser still isnt over this?" Do you feel pity for them and nothing else? Do you feel guilt? Yeah i know- focus on me, not the ex. But i'm just wondering what the hell he thinks. Cus i just dont get it. I can't beleive that hes just over me. When my ex contacts me I usually miss him and wonder if I made a mistake
Lolodelight Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I was with my guy for 2 years and dumped about 10 days ago. He didn't treat me right, so I had to tell him to take that 'special step' - out the door. I didn't want to do it but I had to. I don't feel guilty because I know I made the right decision. I,too, sometimes feel that i can't believe that he's got over me just like that!
Rich464 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I was the dumper in my relationship and believe me, I only did it because I had no choice. We were together for over 4 1/2 years and its now been 6 months NC and I miss her more than anything. The way she was beginning to treat me and the amount we fought it had to end or we would of end up hating each other which is what she probably thinks of me now anyway. She was beginning to treat me very badly and I didn't know what else to do but it doesn't help how I feel. My ex turns up at random, odd times and I certainly don't think 'what a weirdo' I know it must be difficult for her too. The only things I feel guilt for are some of the things I said when we broke up but it's done now and no amount of acting pathetic will change that. I love her with my heart and soul but we can't be together and being the dumper here hasn't made this any easier for me to deal with... I guess it all depends on the reason you broke up.
B-Rad Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 It sucks because the person usually still means a lot to you, you don't want to make them sad and you don't want to make them cry. However, from being both a dumper and a dumpee I have realized that the best way to do it is to be gentle but firm. Don't waver. Don't give them false hope if you don't have any intention behind it. And don't let them try and talk you out of it or get stuck in conversations that never really go anywhere about second chances. Sometimes being the dumper is worse than being the dumpee.
Recommended Posts