Husband says things are going to be different... but acts the same!

September 4, 2008

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]My husband and I have been separated for about 3 weeks now. It was my choice to leave and I have told him that numerous changes need to be made if he ever expects me to come home. He is completely devastated by all of this. He has told me so many times that he is willing to do whatever it takes to be with me and make me happy but he has been making me so frustrated lately. One day he talks to me and he sounds like he has really changed and then the very next day he acts like a complete jerk. It has me so confused because when he does say and do all those sweet things it is exactly what I want from him but then when he goes back to his old ways hours later it puts me in a spot where I just don’t know what to do. At this point I feel like I am pretty much done with this marriage but it’s so hard because I don’t want to regret not giving him another chance… but at the same time I don’t want to regret it if I do give him another chance. Why is he being so hot and cold? I know that he is hurt right now but he can’t expect me to believe that things are going to change if he is so back and forth! [/sIZE][/FONT]

September 4, 2008

Just like you - he is on a rollercoaster ride of emotions - depending on where you catch him on this ride, the emotions will be those he is feeling at that time.

During separation - believe nothing that the other person says and only 50% of their actions - they are all attempts to win you back or be done with the relationship.

Consistant and sincere actions by him are needed - and emotionally neither of you can do that while on the rollercoaster. Thinks have to settle down. Then he needs to regain your friendship and see where it goes from there.

This is a long process... one reason why New York has a 12 month separation period before a no-fault divorce can be granted.

Good luck...

September 4, 2008

chris1130....OH MY GOSH....Sounds like my life.

My husband & I were separated for 6 months - Same things...One day sweet as pie & the next day, mean as a snake.

Well...Just like you I thought - What the heck, might as well give it another try (we've been married 28 years) I have been home for one week & while some things have changed - not everything has. So, I wait it out. The only thing I could say to you is - Be confident in your decision if you decide to go back. I waffled for months. Stick to your guns.....I know just how difficult that can be. - I'm a pretty tough cookie to everyone BUT him. I still don't know if I made the right decision.....Anyway - Try counseling. We did - The only positive thing that came from 3 months of that was that we do have a (on a small level) respect for each other, that we didn't have before & we didn't kill each other during the separation...LOL .....I will say this too - The "sense of family" not love, is why I went back. Even though my kids are grown. Weird, I know. Probably just a woman/mom thing.

September 4, 2008

Thankfully my husband and I do not have children, nor do we own a house. Thank goodness or else this separation would be even harder on me! We have been together for 5 1/2 years, but only married for a little over a year. The reason I left is simply because I felt unappreciated, unloved and disrespected by him. He just never treated me right. He would talk down to me and openly flirt with other women right in front of my face, all the while he never showed me any affection. I haven't been happy for quite some time. There was just a lot of little things that have been building up over the years and I think I just reached my breaking point. The sad thing is, I know that I have only been gone for a few weeks but I am surprisingly happy. Granted I have broken down every single day since I have left but in general I feel more happy and at peace. I love him so much though and I want to have that happy and peaceful life WITH HIM! But he just makes it so hard. I just don't know what to do because I keep having these "well what if things can change" thoughts run through my head, but then when he goes back to being the same way I get upset because I want nothing more than to be with him. We are supposed to go to marriage counseling Saturday. I guess we will see how that turns out, we may end up leaving there hating each other!

September 4, 2008

OP, regardless, focus on working on you. Marriages are equal responsibility. Own yours. MC taught me how to own my part, to look inward and examine myself. I have felt a lot like you, except our genders are opposite.

Your H is confusing you because he can. Men do this, especially those without moral filters for it. It's one thing to have power in a relationship and another to abuse it. He knows which buttons of yours to push to get what he wants and doesn't have the moral center to examine the ramifications of that behavior.

MC will help you, if you want to learn about yourself and grow. If he doesn't want to go, go alone and receive IC to make you strong enough to leave him permanently, if that is what you choose. Remember, it's your choice. He doesn't own you.

September 4, 2008

Chris, I want to ask a blunt question...and since we're all "cyber strangers", there's no risk in being honest...

In my experience, women rarely leave a marriage just because they're unhappy...there's nearly always a catalyst.

A fight about something, a traumatic family event, or they've started to develop an interest in someone else.

What was YOUR 'trigger for change'?

September 4, 2008

Owl, I don't mind you asking a question like that. The honest to God truth is I was just tired of being unhappy. We got into a big fight and after that fight I just decided that I was done trying. I feel like I have been giving my all to my marriage and have not received anything in return.

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]As I have already mentioned, he would talk down to me and flirt with other women right in front of my face. He didn’t trust me to go out with my friends without him. He didn’t help me around the apartment. He never wanted to have sex with me. He didn’t show me any affection or attention. He would put down my friends and family any chance he could get. If something was bothering me and I told him about it he would just tell me I’m being stupid and overreacting The list goes on and on. So basically it wasn’t just one thing that made me decide to leave, it was a combination of things that have just been going on for quite some time. I was depressed and unhappy being in that situation and finally just decided that I had enough. After our last fight he said some very hurtful things and that is when I decided that I just couldn’t take this anymore. You would think that after all that I have mentioned above that I wouldn’t want to work things out with him but it’s hard to just walk away when you love someone so much. Maybe it’s just a comfort zone? I really just don’t know. [/sIZE][/FONT]

September 4, 2008

I disagree with Owl. Women do leave because they are unhappy. We don't have to leave for someone else, or have some earth shattering event happen.

Carhill: He knows which buttons of yours to push to get what he wants and doesn't have the moral center to examine the ramifications of that behavior.

HOW TRUE IS THIS..........My husband is exactly like this. And, even if he is "called out" on his behaviors, he twists them around to make me out to be the "Crazy One"...Here's a for instance: (remember I went back to this man.....I know...maybe I am a crazy person) Last week one day before I moved back in, he went out of town for the day. When he got back he said he'd call me. I didn't hear from him at the time he should have been home, so I called. He said he was almost home & would call me when he arrived. This was at 6pm - & he sounded exhausted from being on the road all day & he drinks extensively, so I was worried. I finally received a phone call at 9:45pm. He said he had gotten home & immediately fallen asleep. I find out on Sunday (after I moved back in) that he was at a bar until then. We happened to go to this bar & grill for lunch on Sunday & a waitress mentioned that 'she was just as hammered as he was on Thursday'. When I said....Thought you fell asleep?....He said, I wasn't here - I can't help it if other people are psycho & crazy. So what's a girl to do with this info? Go back to my apartment? Or Believe him like I always have?

He is an extensive flirt too Chris...In front of me....Just like your husband......... My husband tells me "All Men Are Like Me...They are all flirts, they all lie to their wives & they all look at porn extensively"

Sorry to take over your thread Chris.......Just STAY TOUGH! if you don't see changes you are happy with BEFORE you go back........DON'T GO BACK!!

September 4, 2008

OP, if even half of your perception shared here is based in reality (and I'm not doubting you in the least), get IC and get out, permanently. Life is too short. I'm a man and definitely have my faults but that just sucks

September 4, 2008

So that last fight was the 'straw that broke the camel's back'...and the trigger for you.

That makes sense.

My suggestion would be to give some very, very serious thought about what exact things you would want to see changed before you consider going back. You've already got the right idea of looking at his actions, not his words.

What ACTIONS does he need to change?

How can he demonstrate those changes to you?

How long would you require he maintain those changes before you consider reconciliation with him?

Give that some serious thought...heck...bounce that off the MC that you're supposed to see...but do it in a one on one session with them.

Then when you feel you've got a list of clearly defined CHANGES and boundaries in what you're willing to accept from him going forward, provide him that list.

Make it clear that you'll accept nothing less.

If he refuses...you've got your answer. If he fails...same deal.

Make sense to you?

September 4, 2008

Does he acknowledge his actions and their effect on your relationship? Does he take responsibility for his behavior?

If he is defending this actions and letting his emotions control his behavior, then he's not ready to be in a mature, loving relationship.

The question is, by initiating the separation, are you ready to live without him?

How does he respond to honest communication? Do you initiate communication? Does he?

Communication is an art two people have to learn. Men and women communicate differently. All these factors play a role in miscommunication and create conflict.

If you can't handle the rollercoaster, take a step away and get off of it.

September 4, 2008

So that last fight was the 'straw that broke the camel's back'...and the trigger for you.

That makes sense.

My suggestion would be to give some very, very serious thought about what exact things you would want to see changed before you consider going back. You've already got the right idea of looking at his actions, not his words.

What ACTIONS does he need to change?

How can he demonstrate those changes to you?

How long would you require he maintain those changes before you consider reconciliation with him?

Give that some serious thought...heck...bounce that off the MC that you're supposed to see...but do it in a one on one session with them.

Then when you feel you've got a list of clearly defined CHANGES and boundaries in what you're willing to accept from him going forward, provide him that list.

Make it clear that you'll accept nothing less.

If he refuses...you've got your answer. If he fails...same deal.

Make sense to you?

Those are all very good questions that need to be answered. I think 3 weeks is just not enough time for him to change such disgusting behavior. Another thing is he needs to change it all before you come back and have maintained that change on his own for a while. When I left my H, initially I meant to leave for good. However I saw him really start to change a little on his own so I entertained the idea that maybe in the future we could work things out. What was most important was that I didn't feel rushed to come back to him, I felt like if it took 10 years then that was how long it would take. I wouldn't come back until I felt like he was everything I wanted him to be. I gave him a list of things that he needed to change for me to consider staying married...but I also gave no guarantees that I would come back. I made it very clear that I only wanted him to change if those changes would make him happy as well, because a personality change for one person that made the other unhappy just wouldn't last. 9 months later he had done a complete 180, and I let him back into my life. and now 9 months after our reconciliation he is still getting better and better. People can change, but only if they want to.

September 4, 2008

Those are all very good questions that need to be answered. I think 3 weeks is just not enough time for him to change such disgusting behavior. Another thing is he needs to change it all before you come back and have maintained that change on his own for a while. When I left my H, initially I meant to leave for good. However I saw him really start to change a little on his own so I entertained the idea that maybe in the future we could work things out. What was most important was that I didn't feel rushed to come back to him, I felt like if it took 10 years then that was how long it would take. I wouldn't come back until I felt like he was everything I wanted him to be. I gave him a list of things that he needed to change for me to consider staying married...but I also gave no guarantees that I would come back. I made it very clear that I only wanted him to change if those changes would make him happy as well, because a personality change for one person that made the other unhappy just wouldn't last. 9 months later he had done a complete 180, and I let him back into my life. and now 9 months after our reconciliation he is still getting better and better. People can change, but only if they want to.

Communication doesn't change people. People change themselves for themselves.

Communicating what you want and need right now is not going to do squat. Let your actions do your communication for you and be ready to live your life for yourself.

September 5, 2008

Chris1130,

This may sound stupid, but be gone. And stay gone, for a long while. Give him the impression that you are not even considering him. THIS is what will make him pull up his boot straps. It has been over a year for me and divorce is imminent. I have been guilty of immaturity in our marriage. I didn't tell her I was going to change, though. I was pissed. Never thought I would face divorce. I never thought I was THAT much to blame. It took me a considerable amount of time to own my roll in this. Too little to late. Even if there was an eleventh hour reprieve, I'd be scared of slipping back to the old me. I'd damn near die trying not to, though. Everyone around me has seen my change. Except the person that motivated that change.

I wasn't evil, don't get me wrong, but I was no angel either. It took her leaving w/out coming back to make me realize I needed to do something w/ myself. We all make mistakes, and sometimes it takes a devastating turn of affairs to make you realize this. If he has a heart, a conscience, hell, even a brain, he'll do what he needs to on his own.

I wish you better luck than mine.

September 5, 2008

3 weeks is nothing and that's not enough time for him to change. He needs to FEEL consquences. He needs to feel what life is like without you! He needs to hit rockbottom, wake up and realize he needs to get his ass to counselling alone and with you to marriage counselling.

He can talk all he wants, but until his actions back him up, anything he says really means nothing. Everyone knows actions speak louder than words!

He's reacting out of emotion, desparation - NOT desire to work hard and change to make the marriage better, to be a better husband to you.

September 5, 2008

Chris1130,

This may sound stupid, but be gone. And stay gone, for a long while. Give him the impression that you are not even considering him. THIS is what will make him pull up his boot straps. It has been over a year for me and divorce is imminent. I have been guilty of immaturity in our marriage. I didn't tell her I was going to change, though. I was pissed. Never thought I would face divorce. I never thought I was THAT much to blame. It took me a considerable amount of time to own my roll in this. Too little to late. Even if there was an eleventh hour reprieve, I'd be scared of slipping back to the old me. I'd damn near die trying not to, though. Everyone around me has seen my change. Except the person that motivated that change.

I wasn't evil, don't get me wrong, but I was no angel either. It took her leaving w/out coming back to make me realize I needed to do something w/ myself. We all make mistakes, and sometimes it takes a devastating turn of affairs to make you realize this. If he has a heart, a conscience, hell, even a brain, he'll do what he needs to on his own.

I wish you better luck than mine.

Wow, you sound so much like my H.

September 5, 2008

Separate and stay separated until you start seeing consistent change.

Hi, Dead-Dyke. How are you doing?

September 5, 2008

Separate and stay separated until you start seeing consistent change.

Hi, Dead-Dyke. How are you doing?

Hey TIY -

I'm good. You? I've been in serious lurk mode again these last few weeks. So how's your sitch workin' out? Still moving closer, or opposing crests on your roller coasters? I really hope you guys can work through this. It would be great to have a little more good news in this here section.

September 5, 2008

Hey TIY -

I'm good. You? I've been in serious lurk mode again these last few weeks. So how's your sitch workin' out? Still moving closer, or opposing crests on your roller coasters? I really hope you guys can work through this. It would be great to have a little more good news in this here section.

Hah, things are good. We feel back on track. We are still working on improving our marriage. She's seen some major changes in me and she's very happy about them. I'm just trying to remain a responsible, loving, caring, involved, understanding husband. It's fun stuff, let me assure you.

September 5, 2008

Wow, you sound so much like my H.

You have no idea how much I wish my wife would say that.

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