It seems all the same after a while doesn't it?

[Owl]

Absolutely...you have the right to be this angry and upset. NO ONE likes to be treated like this.

 

But...you also need to recognize that where you're at in things is hardly uncommon as well...he's getting what he wants from you, he's getting what he wants from his wife....basically...this is all about what HE WANTS...and has nothing to do with what you want.

 

Nor should you expect that he's looking to change anything here...he's got it EXACTLY how he wants it.

 

He can see you for his morning gratification...go to work sated...then go home and knock it out with his wife too.

 

He's RIGHT WHERE HE WANTS TO BE.

 

The real question is...how long are you going to put up with it?

[2sure]

I have been following your posts, but havent wanted to add my thoughts - because I didnt feel I had anything supportive to say. Your relationship with your MM and your rationalizations are very common.

 

It seems like your efforts at NC are not because you are unhappy with the AFFAIR - you are pissed because his attention is waning. You ask if he has become comfortable with cheating, so possibly it is not as exciting for him? You answer your own question. He is with you for one main reason only. Maybe you are also friends - buddies, if you will.

 

He is trating you now the way all BS hope their husbands eventually treat the OW. You are seeing yourself and the A through his wife's eyes for what it is.

 

I want you to know that (even tho I have been a BS) this brings me no pleasure. Your realization must hurt and you are in part a victim here. I really hope you take this all as a lesson and incorporate it into the whole and deserving person you probably are.

[stillafool]

Don't believe for a moment that he and his wife only have sex every once in a while and - whala, she gets pregnant. They are doing it often and that's why she keeps having babies. She is so busy with the kids she doesn't give him the attention he wants from her so he gets it from you. This keeps his stress level low and I guarantee that it has helped his marriage more than if he didn't have you around. It sounds like you started out to seduce this guy and kept seducing him. I'm not surprised that he gave in to you. He may say his wife just feels comfortable but he knows he is in love with her and their life with their children. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings and make you stop worshiping him. Just like someone else said why should you stop seeing him? Just keep on doing what makes you feel good with no regard for his W and family. You are 26 and facing 30. Do you want to give your entire youth to someone else's husband? Do you want to look around and be 35 with no one of your own while watching this man carry on an affair with a new 22 yo? Keep it up and that's where you're headed. He will not leave his wife and family.

[jj33]

Do you have a right to be pissed off? He popped in Tuesday for a BJ and you got a text Thursday saying he was really busy and nothing since? I would say so. I would be really pissed. Right wrong whatever it is you deserve respect not just a call when he needs a BJ or something more. It sounds like he is very comfortable with the idea that you are comfortable having him pop by unannounced for an hour if that is all he has and not hearing from him until the next time he is free. He is starting to treat this like friends with benefits. If that is OK with you thats up to you, but it doesnt sound like you are OK with it. Personally I never allowed that (the popping over for an hour or so for sex). It didnt change the ending but it made me feel better about things when we were together but our situation was different.

 

If you arent ready to go NC the first thing I would tell him is no more stopping by unannounced - he needs to call first to see if you are free. Put in some boundaries. You have a life too you have work and school and if he isnt bringing sunshine into your life then he doesnt get to just pop in when it suits him. Make it more on your terms.

 

The thing is, you would never "forget" to return his messages - he is an important enough part of your life that if you havent spoken to him or gotten an email or a text, you notice.

 

It does not sound like he has any intention of leaving. Yes he definitely gets something he needs but he isnt treating you the way you deserve to be treated. Even as an OW you deserve to be treated with respect. And if hes not doing that, then whether he is "in love with" his wife or "loves her to death" etc really doesnt matter.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. At one point I felt like MM wasnt paying sufficient attention, and I cut it off. He got the message but it didnt change things in the end. If someone takes you for granted, its a sign that things arent right much as we want to believe otherwise.

 

Think about how you want him to treat you and put those boundaries in place. If the A isnt meeting your needs, then you dont need the aggravation. I know it will be difficult to give him up, but he isnt giving you what you need.

[wildsoul]

...the one thing I expect is a little respect. I don't ask for much...

*softens her voice* Darling, and that is exactly what you are getting: very little respect. I don't know if your low self-worth is what got you into the affair, or if it's the by-product of the affair. Regardless, it seems that this situation has your normal boundaries all twisted up so that you aren't even sure if it's okay to be pissed off at being treated badly.

 

Since you are asking for a mirroring:

He is not treating you right.

He is testing to see how badly he can treat you and get away with it.

If you stay, I predict he will keep treating you worse.

If you stay, your self-esteem is likely to evaporate to dust.

The sooner you get out, the faster you will heal.

You deserve SO much more!

[whichwayisup]

the one thing I expect is a little respect.

 

He doesn't respect his wife, so why would he respect you?

 

Lower your expectations that way you won't be disappointed or let down that he isn't doing what you want him to do.

 

You are depressed and losing who YOU are by staying with him! He comes by for some action, then more or less ignores you for the rest of the week.. That should be a HUGE RED FLAG waving in the wind. That and the fact he is only making time for you when HE feels like it. And, you allow it.

 

He will continue to treat you like a piece of meat if you allow him to. Stand up for yourself and either end your affair with him so you can eventually find another man who can offer you more, or accept that you're just the OW, nothing more, nothing less.

 

Sorry to put it harshly like that, but this man is NOT going to leave his wife, ever. He likes having two women meet his needs.

[LostGirl811]

Oh what everyone is saying makes so much sense, and I find it somewhat discerning that an independant and intelligent woman such as myself continues to fall apart like an idiot whenever I see him, but I swear, the man has a spell over me

 

I got home today after a grueling 14 hour day of work and being in a lab all day. While I was in class, I got a text message from MM asking me how im doing, and that he's just checking in to see that Im ok. I respond that im busy in class. He asks me again if im ok, and i decide not to respond for a while to let him simmer. I feel rather good walking to my car knowing that ive not sent him the intial message in a week and that he's now waiting for ME to respond. I get home, feeling a little sick from the fumes I've inhaled in the lab today, and very very tired, and finally text him that im not feeling well. He asks me if he can come by to say hi and see how i am doing since he's down the street at one of the offices he works at which happens to be near where i live. I relent and say ok. As soon as he walks through the door, my brain just becomes mush. Like I've just taken some crazy drug, every thought I have washes away, every intention I have to ream him out about not returning my message last week, everything floats away as he walks through the door, kisses me, and just stands there hugging me and stroking my hair, asking me how my day was. *sigh* this is what always happens, whenever i get a moment of strength, i see him and it melts away, any resolve i had to tell him to piss off just melts away!

 

By some freak hormonal imbalance (and hopefully nothing more major....) from all the stress ive been under with work and school and everything lately, my period has been going on for like 12 days straight so i didnt sleep with him today, though that wasn't the reason I gave him, but i couldnt help myself and did fool around with him otherwise. He didnt ask me to do anything, i just did it. I teased him alot, but told him i wouldnt sleep with him because i was pissed off at him for not returning my call last week. He apologized and said that I often send him messages when he's slammed in the middle of the work day, so I told him I didn't give a crap how busy he was and that there was always time on his way home to give me a ring and that if he did it again don't bother coming by to say hello anymore.

 

I don't know if he took me seriously or not to be honest, but I guess we'll see.

 

I torture myself with this situation all the time, and yet, Im not deluding myself that he's going to leave his wife, I really dont. Im fairly certain he wouldn't do that, and say what you will, but im also fairly certain that if they didnt have three kids he wouldnt be as invested in his marriage as he is now. But I think more than anything I hope i'll just meet someone else that I like as much as I like him. It has happened before, once or twice, in these last four years. I met a couple of other guys that I genuinly liked but they both lived in another country so it just didn't work out. I know Im capable of liking other men, I just dont meet very many that make me feel that certain way....you know? Im hoping I do, though, because I fear that this is the only way I will ever be able to tell MM that I can't see him anymore.

 

Sure, he pisses me off now and again, but he never lets my pissed off state last long enough to become sufficiently frustrated with him so that I can tell him to eff off. I guess I'm just stuck......

?:confused:

[jj33]

At the risk of encouraging you to do something that is objectively not good for you. On a certain level this works for you now. That is why you are stuck in 99% of situations people are "stuck" by choice.

 

You are working horrendous hours, going to school, not meeting loads of people exhausted and here is this guy that you have a great chemistry with. Forget the morals for a minute forget the idea that you could be wasting your youth on him.

 

My best guess is that there is a part of you that thinks you dont really have time for a full time relationship even tho you say you want one. Therefore the subconscious plot goes, if it werent for him it would be you and your books and your lab and he is the sunshine in your life the oasis away from the routine and obligations and exhaustion. And right now when you are juggling so much and not meeting anyone you really like the A works. That plus you have developed deep feelings for him. If it werent working for you on a certain level you wouldnt be doing it no matter how much you loved him.

 

So I wouldnt say you are stuck. We are only stuck if we want to be. I would say that as much as you see the red flags and you know it is hurting you on many levels that a part of you is convinced that the pros outweigh the cons.

 

If your perspective were to change (I do have time for a full time relationship) this would become a lot less appealing.

 

I know when I went into the relationship with MM in addition to being wild about him, I felt that given various circumstances in my life being with someone who was not available 24/7 was OK because it gave me time to take care of my other obligations. Once I was really in deep it became difficult and in fact the relationship took my focus away from things that mattered. Now my entire perspective has changed I want to be with someone with whom I can build a life not someone who fits me in when his schedule allows.

 

The problem is the longer you are in it the more invested your heart it. Being intelligent has nothing to do with it. You are able to analyze it from all angles think things through and rationalize. And then beat yourself up for being too smart to fall for this. So you can intellectualize it as well as feel it. And go round and round in circles. Doesnt make it easier.

[wildsoul]

I understand. You're reminding me of an xBF of mine who I had that powerful swoony chemistry with. Turned out he was a serial cheater, and he gas lighted me big time. We broke up often. Yet that chemistry never faded. We did the on/off thing to an embarassing degree. My friends were so sick of me taking him back. Finally, I came to see that the swoony feeling had some kind of addictive pull that was ruining me. It was brutal, but I finally went NC for good. It took at least another year for the addictive longings to subside. Now, I can only remember how strong those feelings were, but I feel zero emotional charge.

 

Again, I have that overwhelming chemistry with my current guy. On the one hand, that potent passion is worth pursuing! But I'm trying to be mindful as to what I'll tolerate in order to have it. From the get go, I allowed myself to cross a HUGE boundary in order to be with him and feel these feelings. Not good. I'm trying to back track now with better boundaries. He's also motivated to keep what we have and is making changes in his marital status. I'm only willing to date him if he is separated (moving towards D.) I'm hoping that it can work this way.

 

Curious: what are your bottom line boundaries? Everyone is so different. Are you okay with being an OW or not?

[Lizzie60]

BTDT... I know exactly how you feel.. I was there many moons ago... and it lasted for 11 years.. he didn't leave her.. she kicked him out... then he moved with me..

 

These men don't leave.. not because they love their W.. (mine didn't love her.. he never did, her dad forced him to marry her cause she was pregnant and in those years, in small town, he didn't have much choice) anyway... I know he loved me.. to this day I know he still does.

 

Like you .. he had only one kid when we started.. she gave him 2 more in the 11 years we were together..

 

I think he would still be with her.. if she would have closed her eyes..

 

We went NC for a while.. I was able to date another man, while I was in College... and got pregnant with my daughter...

 

He was hurt... when I moved back to my hometown (where he was living).. he came back to me.. I couldn't resist.. I loved him like crazy.. still....

 

She finally left him when my daughter was 2 1/2 yo.. he moved with us then... I finally left him 18 years later.. (I gave him a son)...

 

If I had to do it all over again.. I would have left him much sooner... or when I moved to town for my studies..

 

Move on.. leave him.. he won't leave his wife.. trust me.. unless she kicks him out..

[LostGirl811]

At the risk of encouraging you to do something that is objectively not good for you. On a certain level this works for you now. That is why you are stuck in 99% of situations people are "stuck" by choice.

 

You are working horrendous hours, going to school, not meeting loads of people exhausted and here is this guy that you have a great chemistry with. Forget the morals for a minute forget the idea that you could be wasting your youth on him.

 

My best guess is that there is a part of you that thinks you dont really have time for a full time relationship even tho you say you want one. Therefore the subconscious plot goes, if it werent for him it would be you and your books and your lab and he is the sunshine in your life the oasis away from the routine and obligations and exhaustion. And right now when you are juggling so much and not meeting anyone you really like the A works. That plus you have developed deep feelings for him. If it werent working for you on a certain level you wouldnt be doing it no matter how much you loved him.

 

So I wouldnt say you are stuck. We are only stuck if we want to be. I would say that as much as you see the red flags and you know it is hurting you on many levels that a part of you is convinced that the pros outweigh the cons.

 

If your perspective were to change (I do have time for a full time relationship) this would become a lot less appealing.

 

I know when I went into the relationship with MM in addition to being wild about him, I felt that given various circumstances in my life being with someone who was not available 24/7 was OK because it gave me time to take care of my other obligations. Once I was really in deep it became difficult and in fact the relationship took my focus away from things that mattered. Now my entire perspective has changed I want to be with someone with whom I can build a life not someone who fits me in when his schedule allows.

 

The problem is the longer you are in it the more invested your heart it. Being intelligent has nothing to do with it. You are able to analyze it from all angles think things through and rationalize. And then beat yourself up for being too smart to fall for this. So you can intellectualize it as well as feel it. And go round and round in circles. Doesnt make it easier.

 

JJ,

 

Don't worry, I don't need encouragement to do emotionally masochistic things, I'm pretty good at doing them all on my own :-)

 

Anyway, you make a valid point, and one I've considered before. It's true- my schedule sucks beyond words. My life consists of waking up at the crack of dawn, going to a job at a hospital that is both massively stressful and depresssing, and which I sort of hate, and then going to school 15 hours a week on top of work, and studying, and getting personal and family commitments taken care of, and at the end of the day, Im so exhausted mentally and physically. I do nothing for me anymore. Everything I do is something I HAVE to do. I haven't had a real vacation day off of work or school in almost a year. I mean, don't get me wrong, school is for my own betterment of course, but right now its not fun, its in the stressful stage where alot is at stake and , well, too much to get into but suffice to say, I don't get alot of relaxation. I also have terrible insomnia, so no exaggeration, I've probably averaged about three hours of a sleep a night for the past two years, with the occasional weekend day where I'll just crash for 15 hours straight, but those are far and few between.

 

So, as much as it is bad for me, this A is one of the few things I get to do just for me. Its the one hour here and there where someone is telling me that Im gorgeous, and giving me some much needed physical relief, and giving me some affection, when generally everything else does nothing but stress me the hell out all the time.

 

Sometimes I do think I'd like a full time relationship, and that maybe it would be nice to have someone waiting for me at home when I come from a stressful day, but its near impossible to meet people right now....Im a pretty attractive woman, fab personality, but Im just not in a position where I meet alot of people my own age that Im interested in. Most of my friends that I've been close with for years have all fallen into couples and they don't go out that often anymore, and the few times we do go out, they're not interested in meeting new people, so we stay to ourselves, which to be honest, is how most people go out. It's rare that one group of people will merge with another group of strangers while they're out at a bar or something. So to say my social life is lacking is bit of an understatement. I have plenty of friends, but it's just not the same as it used to be. Its not the carefree college days when everyone got drunk together and all talked at the local college bars. Im at this horrid "in-between" phase of my life where nothing makes sense, nothing is settled or as it should be: not my career, not my love life, I can't do adult things like buying a house because my career isn't on track yet because Im still doing all this school stuff, etc etc, and it starts to get to me.

 

When the A is going well, , I am in a great mood. I am so busy, that it doesn't bother me much if I only see him once a week. Twice is better, but I can deal with once. It's only when he can't see me for that once per week that I begin to get really upset, but I suppose there isn't much to be done. I can't expect to be a first priority if his kids are sick and his wife wants him home to help out with the baby, now can I? I do expect some amount of respect from him, but in all honesty, I can't reasonably expect someone to make me more important than their children. Maybe if I was some horrid bitch I would, but Im not.

 

I guess I'll deal with this as long as it somewhat suits us both, or until someone else comes along, someone that is preferably unmarried and without kids....

[jj33]

I thought that might strike a chord. That being said... if you are in it. You deserve to be treated with respect and if he isnt doing the nice things to make you feel good like being in touch etc etc and reponding to emails or texts - then he isnt doing his job and the A isnt meeting YOUR needs.

[LostGirl811]

I understand. You're reminding me of an xBF of mine who I had that powerful swoony chemistry with. Turned out he was a serial cheater, and he gas lighted me big time. We broke up often. Yet that chemistry never faded. We did the on/off thing to an embarassing degree. My friends were so sick of me taking him back. Finally, I came to see that the swoony feeling had some kind of addictive pull that was ruining me. It was brutal, but I finally went NC for good. It took at least another year for the addictive longings to subside. Now, I can only remember how strong those feelings were, but I feel zero emotional charge.

 

Again, I have that overwhelming chemistry with my current guy. On the one hand, that potent passion is worth pursuing! But I'm trying to be mindful as to what I'll tolerate in order to have it. From the get go, I allowed myself to cross a HUGE boundary in order to be with him and feel these feelings. Not good. I'm trying to back track now with better boundaries. He's also motivated to keep what we have and is making changes in his marital status. I'm only willing to date him if he is separated (moving towards D.) I'm hoping that it can work this way.

 

Curious: what are your bottom line boundaries? Everyone is so different. Are you okay with being an OW or not?

 

Hi there

 

Am I OK with being an OW? That's a tough question to answer straight....no, I'd rather not be an OW. I don't think most people would prefer that status, would they? I just am reasonable and logical to a fault, and know that in this situation, I can't expect any different, but at the same time have fallen in love with a man and find it difficult to pull myself away from him, and it seems he is having at least some difficulty pulling away from me....it's been four years of this nonsense after all. To be honest, if he told me tomorrow he was divorcing his W, I'd be simultaneously thrilled and scared.Thrilled that we have a chance, and scared that all the trauma of the divorce and separation from his kids would ruin that chance anyway. It would be a complicated situation in any event...

 

I envy you, in a way, that your MM is at a place where he feels he can get a D to be with you, but I don't thiink that my MM will be there anytime soon. His kids are so young....5 years old, 2 years old, and a couple of months old. How could I even ask someone to leave their kids, let alone such small ones? I think about my younger years when my parents were still married, and family vacations, and having my dad around all the time, and Im glad I got it for a few years. I guess I still turned out fine even though he wasn't around much after I was 10 or 11 or so, but I got it for a few years and it made for some nice memories, so I feel horrid to take that away from his kids I guess.

 

Marriages are not all black and white and it's either, ok, the man is in love with his wife and is faithful, or he hates her and he isn't faithful because he hates her. There are in between places. My MM loves his wife, I know he does. I firmly believe he loves her, but is not IN love with her. Call it cliche if you will, but I also firmly believe that there is a significant difference between loving someone, and being IN love with them. You can love and care for many people in your lifetime, but you will fall in love with very few, if any....

 

He does not wish to cause her hurt, she's done nothing wrong to him, and he doesn't want to leave his kids with a part-time father. He doesn't want to lose the house he's working so hard to pay for. He doesn't want to be reduced to a single dad who gets to see his kids every two weeks while struggling to pay for the house they live in and some crappy bachelor apartment that he has to find for himself. People always say that those are stupid reasons to stay in a marriage, and perhaps they sound stupid in the grand scheme of things, but they are very real considerations. It makes ME anxious to think about all the confusion and difficulty a divorce would cost , both financially and emotionally, I can only imagine how he would feel about it.

 

So at the end of the day, it almost doesn't matter if he loves me more than his wife, or just in a different way. She has his kids. She has his house. I have his emotions, but that doesn't mean much in reality, it only means something in a fanciful world of dreaming, where love conquers all. In reality, love conquers all only after years of depression and fiscal ruin, and unfortunately, most people don't want to put themselves through that part if they can avoid it.

 

So, he'll continue to see me as long as I let him, or until his wife finds out (again), whichever comes first. The last time she found a very incriminating email from me to him, he told me stuff was "f**ked up" at home for a long time, and I didn't see him for nearly a year. Sometimes I wonder if she'd leave him if she found out again, but I almost doubt it....

 

So to answer your question, which I am apparently incapable of answering succinctly, no, I don't relish being the OW, because as the OW you never get as much attention as you want or need, you are always second best to the family dynamic. In some weird ironic way, if he ignored his family to spend all his time with me, that would make him kind of a d*ck, and I probably wouldnt like him very much. As much as he has his faults, he isn't a bad person, jsut like Im not a bad person.

 

We're just two people, who really like each other, who met at the wrong place....wrong time....too late....

[2sure]

Sure, he pisses me off now and again, but he never lets my pissed off state last long enough to become sufficiently frustrated with him so that I can tell him to eff off. I guess I'm just stuck......

?:confused:[/quote]

 

Morals aside, if the MM thing is working for your life right now, thats your choice. But the above quote is so victim like! Let????

 

Stop being a victim, empower yourself. If this is what you have decided to do - for right now - for yourself - then make it about YOU. Your terms, yours needs, your gratification. If you want to be the OW, then embrace the part of that is strictly for your own stress relief. He isnt yours, you know that. You have no future with him - dont even let it cross your mind. Tell him when YOU are available. Be the one who calls, or summons. So what?? Its about YOU. You don't need him - you have plenty of options (even if they must wait to be had) . If he cannot get away to see you, make it known you arent pleased, he isnt doing his job.

 

No more victim - dont let him use you. He is lucky your current circumstances dont allow you the freedom or priority to develop a real realtionship right now. He is totally OPTIONAL. Use him to fulfill your needs, and recognize it.

 

When your done, move on with your life and leave him to whatever is left of his.

[whichwayisup]

We're just two people, who really like each other, who met at the wrong place....wrong time....too late....

 

But it isn't too late. YOU have a choice to go..Sticking with this guy, who has his family built already, a life created with his wife - YOU lose out on having your own home with someone, you lose out on having your own children, making a family unit. It's sad because you went a year without seeing him and now you're right back in with him..

 

I hope one day you get the strength to leave and never look back, so you can find happiness, love and a life that you truly deserve with someone who will adore you, and only have eyes for you.

[LostGirl811]

But it isn't too late. YOU have a choice to go..Sticking with this guy, who has his family built already, a life created with his wife - YOU lose out on having your own home with someone, you lose out on having your own children, making a family unit. It's sad because you went a year without seeing him and now you're right back in with him..

 

I hope one day you get the strength to leave and never look back, so you can find happiness, love and a life that you truly deserve with someone who will adore you, and only have eyes for you.

 

Sometimes its hard for me to think positively....my schedule, my life right now, makes very lonely. Im exhausted all the time, and despite the fact that Im very capable of looking attractive, lately im so tired i can barely get up in the morning on time to get to work, let alone put on nice clothes, or make my hair look normal, or put on make up , or anything. i look like crap all the time. I just don't feel so attractive lately, I don't meet new people, I just feel lonely. Every guy friend I have always says how lucky any guy will be to have me one day, and most of them have had a crush on me at some point, but theyre my friends, Im not romantically interested in them. Thats how it seems to be.....I never meet anyone I like. I still have that stubborn refusal where I dont want to just "settle" for someone and end up in a marriage where Im only mildly attracted to my husband and he's more like my friend than my partner, my husband, the man Im in love with. I had the chance to be married, sure. I was engaged , even , to a guy that worshipped me, woudl have been a great father, NEVER would have cheated on me, and I gave him up because I knew I wasn't IN love with him. But lately Im wondering if I should have just gone through with it. It seems to be that most other people are settling for their spouses, so maybe thats just how life is. You settle for someone that youre comfortable with, and eventually you get frustrated because you're always missing that "spark" because you settled, and maybe you cheat on them to get some kicks on the side to get some of that spark in your life, and remain in complacent, suburban, white-picket fence bliss as you go get your kicks and your spouse turns the blind eye. I just never wanted that for myself, but maybe Im a fool to think that waiting for someone you're actually IN love with is the right thing to do. I still hope it will happen, and yeah, Im only 26 now, but I swear that only yesterday people were telling me that "don't worry, you're only 22 now!". Time flies fast and I suppose I fear that I'll wake up soon and 26 will become 30 or 36, and I'll still be there feeling like I am now. It's not like I sit around forgoing all other men for MM. If I got asked out on a date tomorrow by someone I was attracted to I'd go, just like I've gone on plenty of dates in the past while I've known MM, and I'd open my mind to it , but it is far and few between that I meet anyone that has the intellectual capacity, ssense of humour and air of sensuality that I NEED in a man, and which I so , so rarely find.

 

Ive been sitting in my office all day on the verge of crying, trying to keep it together when one of my patients comes in my office to speak to me, or pretending to do work so my colleagues don't bother me. Maybe Im just having one of my "down" days. Ive struggled with depression for most of the last 8 years of my life officially (and probably much longer than that unofficially), and it definitely compounds my "moods".

 

Don't think I don't know that Im craving this and that part of the reason I keep him around is that at least occasionally, I get to remember that I AM pretty, because he makes me feel that way when he sees me. I resent him for having the perfect family (in appearance anyway.) And really it is almost perfect, right. The three adorable blond kids, the charming and doting wife and mother who stays at home with the cute little kiddies, the good-looking husband that's the hard working guy, pays all the bills, provides for the family, stays with them all of the time he isnt at work (coming to see me for an hour a week hardly takes away from his family....) , and really, despite what everyone must think, he is a good guy, a great friend (not to me, I mean in general). I think the only bad thing he's ever done is cheat on his wife, but its not like he's going to leave her and break up their family. And she almost found out a couple times, but obviously she doesnt think he's doing anything anymore, and what she doesnt know doesnt hurt her.

 

The only miserable one at all is me. Maybe some people are just meant to be miserable the rest of their lives. Not everyone gets a happy ending and finds prince charming. Who cares that I'm in reality quite a good looking person, despite how i feel lately. Who cares that I consistently rank higher than genius level on IQ tests, or have always been top ranked in every school I was ever in without having ever had to study as much as the other honors level students. Who cares that I'm going to be a doctor one day. Who cares that I sacrifice everything to take care of other people whenever I can. Who cares that I'm a great friend, a caring sister and daughter, and a kind person. Who cares that I'm funny and quirky and make people laugh. Don't think I don't know my good qualities, Im sure Ive got tons of them. But what does it matter when at the end of the day, you go home, and feel so utterly alone?

 

I have friends, and a loving family, and people always like me, and at the end of the day I feel so ridiculously alone, you'd think I was some sort of leper.

 

So I cling to pathetic one and two hour trysts with a guy that I both love and inwardly resent, because for that hour I can forget that Im a depressive f**k. I guess an hour is better than nothing.

 

Sorry for the massively depressing post. Just having on of those really, really bad days, and the fact that I feel like sh*t due to this never-ending monthly visitor (seriosuly, like 14 freaking days , to the point I have to go to the doctor today), my back hurts, my head hurts...ugh, I just want to walk outside and scream.

 

Have to go now....appointment with a bi-polar heroin addict in ten minutes and he's just so much fun I need to breathe for a few minutes before he gets here....cheers to everyone that's written me so far, I realize I must be a horrid pain in the butt who seems incapable of listening to anyone, but I do listen, I promise. Im just very ....well, very depressed lately so its hard for me to rally be positive I guess....anyway gotta go, ciao

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Remember I wrote on your thread before (I have been following it since you started writing). Im 26 too & was recently involved with a 48 year old MM, different situation & my schedule aint as hectic as yours, but I really understand where youre coming from.

 

No wonder your cycle has gone all out of sync - you sound extremely overworked, stressed & upset over MM situation. The fact that the period is irregular must make you even MORE depressed with all the hormones rushing around, good you are going to the doc. Hope you feel a little better by the time you read this later.

 

You recognize the fact you are probably addicted to the way this MM makes you feel, there is a magical chemistry between the two of you which does not just happen every day - its rare to find someone you click so well with.

 

My xMM (may as well call him that now, he has not called for nearly 8 weeks) made me feel that way too, even though I aint seen him for a while now & despite the fact that hes treated me terribly I constantly think about the way he made me feel & it hurts cos I can no longer express it to him as he is gone & may never come back to me now. Ive never felt so strongly towards someone & it kills me that I cant be with him. And like you I never seem to meet anyone I like.

 

I wonder as well about whether one day I would end up settling for a guy who I felt lukewarm about rather than tremendously passionate. But then I think - 'what would be the point?' Now I have felt this strong for someone why should I just marry someone who will do for now or who I love like a brother? It does make me worried as well that perhaps I will never feel this way about any other guy. Or any guy who is available to me. Do you find that you never like the ones who fancy you? And the ones you feel this way about either dont feel the same or are not available? Its maddening.

 

I often worry that I will wake up one day & realize Im now 36 & havent met anyone as well. Because like you my standards are very high, I will not date just any old guy.

 

Do you find that because you are always so busy it does help take your mind off things somewhat?

[LostGirl811]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Remember I wrote on your thread before (I have been following it since you started writing). Im 26 too & was recently involved with a 48 year old MM, different situation & my schedule aint as hectic as yours, but I really understand where youre coming from.

 

No wonder your cycle has gone all out of sync - you sound extremely overworked, stressed & upset over MM situation. The fact that the period is irregular must make you even MORE depressed with all the hormones rushing around, good you are going to the doc. Hope you feel a little better by the time you read this later.

 

You recognize the fact you are probably addicted to the way this MM makes you feel, there is a magical chemistry between the two of you which does not just happen every day - its rare to find someone you click so well with.

 

My xMM (may as well call him that now, he has not called for nearly 8 weeks) made me feel that way too, even though I aint seen him for a while now & despite the fact that hes treated me terribly I constantly think about the way he made me feel & it hurts cos I can no longer express it to him as he is gone & may never come back to me now. Ive never felt so strongly towards someone & it kills me that I cant be with him. And like you I never seem to meet anyone I like.

 

I wonder as well about whether one day I would end up settling for a guy who I felt lukewarm about rather than tremendously passionate. But then I think - 'what would be the point?' Now I have felt this strong for someone why should I just marry someone who will do for now or who I love like a brother? It does make me worried as well that perhaps I will never feel this way about any other guy. Or any guy who is available to me. Do you find that you never like the ones who fancy you? And the ones you feel this way about either dont feel the same or are not available? Its maddening.

 

I often worry that I will wake up one day & realize Im now 36 & havent met anyone as well. Because like you my standards are very high, I will not date just any old guy.

 

Do you find that because you are always so busy it does help take your mind off things somewhat?

 

hi there heartbroken,

 

this is a side question, but are you from the UK by any chance? The way you write , some of the words you use in your posts remind me of my friends in London. I know alot of Brits, and in fact , my MM is British (he's from Newcastle). Ever since I met him Ive had a bit of an obsession with Brits! Every guy I've dated since I've met him , except for a couple, have ben English. Obviously a play on my subconscious brain to find a replacement for him ,huh?

 

Anyway, we both have tough situations, but I've read some of your posts, and I really feel for you, because my schedule is ridiculous and crazy and I feel lonely and i am stressed beyond belief to the point tat its actually messing with my health a bit (like my ridiculously long period!), but I do have family nearby that are great and some friends. I bet you are a beautiful, wonderufl girl, who sounds like she has had to deal with alot, and you shouldn't place your self worth on this MM. He is probably doing you a blessing by not speaking to you anymore, because it sounds to me like he really was using you until he got his family closer! You can do better. I know my MM will never leave his wife, so I hope that I'll meet someone else. It seems that I won't be the one to end things with him, so as long as it suits us both this will go on. One day I'm pissed at him and wnt to end everything him, and as soon as he walks through my door I melt and forgive him like always. Some days it seems hopeless, and some days I tell myself Im being silly and that I have plenty of time to meet other people.

 

You need to be confidant. Don't let people walk all over you, whether they are family, co-workers, whatever. People can sense when someone has low-self esteem, and I think most people are inwardly turned off by it.

 

But you are right, it is maddening. Just like you said....all the guys that fancy me, I NEVER like them back! Most guys I go out on dates with seem to become crazy over me, and I have absolutely ZERO interest in them. Then, once in a blue moon when I am interested in someone, they either aren't into me or not ready for anything, or are very unavailable. MM for obvious reasons is unavailble. Then the only other two guys in the past 5 years that I've actually had interest in, they BOTH lived in London! Argh. So they didnt want to do the long distance thing after a while, so those didnt work out either.

 

Im actuallly in a somewhat decent mood at the moment because MM paid me a surprise visit this evening on his way home, as he hapepned to be late at work today which he never is this late. I look at him leaving through my frotn door as he grabs me and kisses me and tells me 'good night baby', and it saddens me to think that no matter what kind of magic there is between us....it can never be. I am not willing to wait 20 years for his kids to grow up, that would really be a waste of my youth! I guess obsessing about it doesn't help anything.....it doesnt make anything good happen. it jusst makes me think about things i can't do anything about right now...

 

And yes, to answer your other question, sometimes when I am very busy it does help to forget about things, but at the same time, especially on days i am particularly exhausted, its hard for me to focus on my work and I end up thinking about him anyway. There have been many days when I've sat in my office for hours upon hours and wasted the whole day with the same paper in front of me, daydreaming about him, when I should be doing work! Thankfully, MOST of the time when Im in class I can focus on school, but then I come home and when I should be studying, instead I am- yup, you guessed it- thinking about him!

 

But it really does help to keep busy. Idle time is your biggest enemy, because when you are home alone, that is when you think obsessively. Whenever possible, you should do things to occupy yourself. Go out with friends on the weekend, pick up a hobby, go jogging, watch a movie. If you like to write, then write , that is a therapeutic thing for me at any rate. Don't listen to sad music, listen to happy , jumpy, energetic , dance stuff, don't watch movies that remind you of him. Sometimes when Im a little depressed over him, it sounds silly, but I avod watching any movies with british people in it because it reminds me of him! lol, but you get what i mean. keep busy and healthy. And you know what, go on dates, even if you're not sure you'll like the guy. Alot of the time I'll go out on a date even if Im not sure I'll dig the guy, just because its nice to have someone take you out, and show interest in you , and just relax and have a good time.

 

PS- i read in another post about your skin thing. Have you tried Proactive? I hear it works pretty well. I had horrid skin when i was younger but its all good now.

 

Anyway, feel free to write to me whenever, you seem nice, I hate to see someone sound so sad , when I rad your other posts on other threads my heart really went out to you :-)

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hope you are feeling a little better & got through the weekend ok, my email address is [email protected] if you want to chat anytime, would be good to hear from you.

 

{{{{hugs}}}}

[Dark-N-Romantic]

You are right, it does sound like other posts of the same nature. Woman hears sad story about man's wife (at least he was up front about being married), woman decides that she has the right to insert herself in the marriage by being the other woman, uses the excuse that love is making do what is wrong to herself and other people (yes you AND he are the weapons of destruction to the wife and kids and marriage and family), and for years instead of growing some ovaries and doing what is right (getting out of a relationship you know you should not have started at all), you continue this mockery of affection and actual act of destruction for your own selfish pleasure. You are right, there is nothing new to this story, so really there is nothing new that can be told to you.

 

I agree with everyone who is telling you, you need to stop it now. You are not just hurting that wife and those kids, but you are hurting yourself. You are destroying your ability to form real relations, the ability to allow yourself real love, the opportunity to find a SINGLE man to be what you want him to be, and your only adding to the problems that already exist.

 

Another angle, put yourself in this woman's shoes, or the kids shoes... Would you want a woman like you doing what you are doing to you and your family? Granted the husband is going to do what he is going to do, but just like a match can't catch flame without a spark, a married man (or woman) will only be an unused match if they don't find some chump of a playtoy to distract them from the issues at home they should be dealing with.

 

You mentioned some good qualities about you, but they are over shadowed by the fact you are engaging in this unhealthy and pointless act of selfishness. I remember a woman who lied to me about being married got mad at me that I would prefer to waist my time on a woman I met on the internet and not her. A man who is worth his weight is NOT going to want to mess with a woman who is capable of such betrayals and conspiracies. He is going to look for that previous woman you talked about. How do I know, I am one. I always ask a woman if she ever cheated on any of her boyfriends or ex-husband. Why? If she is willing to do that to them, am I willing to risk my time, effort, and affections for her to do the same to me?

 

Lastly, a good person does not do what you are doing. IT DOES NOT HAPPEN! Just like a good man would NEVER CHEAT ON HIS WIFE (or a good wife cheat on her husband). You need to be the bigger hear and let some other dumb woman play the fool. You deserve much better than what you are giving yourself. And just like nothing in this world can bring you happiness, nothing in this world is going to give you the man you deserve unless you set yourself up for it.

 

 

DNR

I hope you take my butt chewing and encouragement for what its worth. You deserve much better than what you are giving yourself.

[sprintjulia]

Ok, I guess I am going to highlight and repeat what others have posted.

You deserve so much better. Clearly there are alot of psychological issues here that I am sure you are aware of. You indicate that you are smart, going to be a doctor which is super! Give yourself the space to clear out of this situation and go NC with this guy. Tell him not to come over anymore. I know that you have been involved with him a long time, but you need to make a break from this. If you have a support person or persons to have on stand by if you get weak try to incorporate that into your plan. I am in a smaller situation by far and am having problems but when I read your thread I think OMG it could be much worse. Please try to value what you have and as time and space work to your favor you can re-capture your self esteem. I too have felt with my MM that he does not return texts and emails which make me very upset but I realize that I have to get to the point where I am mad enough to do something about it like kick him to the curb. Everyone's threshold of pain and rock bottom is different. Try to evaluate what yours is, because it cannot be too much more I would imagine. I think that we are all rooting for you to do the right thing. This of course has to be what you want to do.

You are in my thoughts.