It seems all the same after a while doesn't it?

[LostGirl811]

Im not sure if this is a question, a plea, or just a rant. I just don't know how to think anymore. I'm an intelligent, quite attractive by most standards, ambitious, kind, caring, funny 26 yo woman. But this situation Im in, and I say situation because 'relationship' never seemed to be an appropriate word, is killing me. Sorry if this is wrong, but it's hard to express four years of a story in one paragraph.

 

I keep reading posts and message boards on different websites until Im dizzy in the head and nothing changes. I hope that maybe I'll get some epiphany, some encouragement to change my own situation, and instead I get mad, sad, depressed, frustrated, and at a loss.

 

I guess some background info is in order? Righto. when I was 22 years old, fresh out of college, I got a job. The guy that hired me was a very cute, very funny, charming and seemingly intelligent 29 year old guy. I remember going home and excitedly telling my sister that my new boss was "this hot Irish guy with a cute accent." Well, two weeks into job, I notice that hot Irish boss has a wedding ring on his finger. For obvious reasons, I dismiss all notions of anything happening with him. I continue to flirt for the fun of it, but believe its all harmless because it doesn't occur to me at this point that a man married only 3 years or so with a 2 year old daughter would bother with his newly hired 22 yo employee. I wish I could say I dismissed the idea only because it would be morally reprehensible, but that wasn't really the main issue for me. Just didn't think HE would cheat. Should have listened to my friend who laughed and said, just you wait. Couldn't help myself with the flirting though. It's bizarre how you feel instant connections to some people tha are hard to totally ignore. I'd make excuses to be near him in the office, or volunteer to do mundane tasks and errands that he needed help with just to be with him. Still didn't think anything would really happen, i wasn't actively pursuing him, it was all very subtle. One night all the co-workers go out for drinks out, and everyone else goes home early. Just me and him left and we decide, hell, let's have another beer. We start chatting. He mentions something about how his wife is "this great woman, a really great mom, but there's just no spark between us for some reason."

 

I wasn't sure why he told me that, but I nodded and quietly listened. After a few beers I unwisely decide to hit on my boss by telling him I think he's cute, and then immediately apologize profusely and am convinced Im going to get fired. Nope. Instead, he looks surprised, but happy, and tells me "I think there's a mutual attraction here." uh oh. I tell him "I'd really like to do something right now, but Im not sure if it would be a good idea." He obviously knows what I mean, because after looking off to the side for a moment contemplating what Ive said, he just kisses me in the middle of the bar. Right away we drop the beers, run out to my car ,and make out like teenagers. He's all excited and has obviously not kissed anyone but his wife in three years, but Im still convinced he's going to regret this in the morning so when he asks if we should go to my apartment (we obviously can't go to his) I tell him I don't think its a good idea because I think he'll wake up and feel regret, and I dont want that. He tells me he'll text me in the morning to tell me first thing what he thinks.

 

I wake up to two text messages. First one says "Major regret about last night..."

 

Second one says, "...my only regret being, how will I ever find another night to spend the whole night with you?"

 

My stomach and heart do a flip. In a weird way it's one of the most romantic things Ive ever heard.

 

We spend the next year of my employment there sneaking off to the copy room, his office, my office, fooling around in the company car, eventually making our way up to oral sex, and it's animalistic and exciting (one day he actually ripped my panties in two taking them off), but never actually intercourse. He always feels too guilty to get to that level at this point. Every so often he tells me he "can't do this anymore" and I get upset, we stop for a week, and then a week later I feel someone come up behind me while Im making a copy and drag me into the office to kiss me again. Back and forth, back and forth. His wife even suspects a couple of times that something is up, but she never gets any hard evidence.

 

One day he mentions that he and his wife went to a wedding and got really drunk over the weekend. in my mind for some reason, the first thing I think is, ok, so she probably agreed to f**k him. It seems to be either a once-every-8 weeks thing, or a birthday/when we're drunk thing. Which personally I thought was pretty sad. But anyway, that's the first thing I think, and sure enough, several weeks thereafter, he comes to tell me his wife is pregnant again. This time he "really" needs to end things. I run from the building crying hysterically. Guess what? A month later, we're kissing in the copy room again. I decide I can't handle this back and forth torture so I find a new job and leave. Before I leave we have one last hoorah, and get a hotel room to sneak off to during the day and sleep together for the first and only time .....or so I thought. We keep flirting, and one day his wife finds an email I sent him with very, erm, suggestive photos in it. She freaks out and he freaks out and tells me he can't see me anymore. He tells me when he married her, he did it because she "felt like home" and was "comfortable". He is obviously comfortable with his home and family life, and doesn't want to change it, but I suppose he's not 100% happy or he wouldn't be coming to me for four years....anyway, so I don't speak to him for a year after his wife finds that email. He tells me they decided they had alot to talk about , or some such thing. What can I say but ok?

 

I try to get over him. I have spent, literally, since the day I've met him subconsciously trying to find a replacement for him. EVERY SINGLE guy I end up dating for any length of time, be it one date or several months, is reminicint of him. They're all British or Irish or Scottish, which I think is rather impressive on my part considering I live in New York and not England. You know some people have gay-dar? I have british-irish-scottish-man-dar. They all are tall, boyish looking, and similiar to him in personality. But they are never HIM. I guess that was the problem. I try to date other people, I really do. i go out on dates with people all the time, I never like anyone. I even threw a couple americans into the mix to try something new. I did like one guy, but he lived in England. Go figure. Long distance didnt work out.

 

So one day after a year of not speaking, I get a moment of weakness. I miss him. I call him at work to "say hello". we decide to have lunch, platonically. We started meeting up at my apartment, platonically, to just talk and hang out for 30 minutes here, an hour there. Eventually it's a hand on my leg, a stroke of my hair while we're talking. Eventually a kiss here and there sneaks in. Then, maybe 7 or 8 months ago, one day he stops by as Im getting out of the shower. I open the door wearing a towel, and dripping wet. He doesn't say a word. Comes inside, picks me up, takes me to the bed, and we make love. Now it's been consistant sex pretty much weekly since then.

 

Did I forget to mention he has three kids now? yeah. in that year or so I didnt speak to him she gave birth to that second kid he had told me she was pregnant with when i still worked there, and had gotten pregnant again and had the third kid this year. Coincidentally, she appears to have gotten pregnant around his birthday. Another surprise there! The only times she ever screws him are birthdays and every couple months when she's otherwise feeling generous!

 

And so here we are. Almost four years later, Im 26 and he's 33. And he's working two jobs to support his wife, who quit hers to be a stay at home mom, the three kids, and the two year old mortgage on their new house. Divorce doesn't even make sense right now, emotionally or financially. Fiscally theres no way he could afford supporting two households, child support, alimony, etc. Emotionally, hell, he doesnt want to leave his children, and its not like he hates his wife. She's loved like you'd love any family member. Call it a cliche , but he's not IN love with her. And I find it sad that people nowadays don't seen to think that this is important in a marriage. It obviously is, because why else then do people bring it up in these situations so much? CLiche's are based somewhere in truth. That's how they become common. I know seeing me feels guilt laden to him, but he continues to do it, just like I continue to emotionally torture myself as I continue to see him. I've never told him how I felt because it doesnt make sense to....we dont discuss emotions. Why, when we can't do much about them?

 

It's like my head is falling apart. It's affecting me at work, personally, professionally, everywhere. Im at work right now and instead of doing the month of paperwork Im backlogged with, or studying for school when I go home, I sit and think about him and what I can do about the situation. I have fantasies of what it would be like if one day he left her. They aren't unrealistic fantasies where he leaves her and everyone is happy right away. I imagine everyone being quite miserable for a while, actually, but in the end, as with most situations, things do work out don't they? Hell my parents divorced and I hated it at first but if my mom hadn't met my step father, my wonderful beautiful little brother and sister wouldnt be alive today and they are so worth all the sadness I initially felt about my parents break up. Once in a while I wonder what it would have been like if they'd stayed together, but it doesnt matter, because thats not how life turned out and its ok. Plenty of people grow up with divorced parents and end up fine.

 

Im so sorry this is so long....I guess I just dont know what to do anymore. My story sounds like a hundred more out there and my brain hurts from thinking about it, but its really draining me. I dont know how to tell him to eff off and not speak to me. The thought of not seeing him ever again is so painful I cant even imagine. Ive never loved someone the way I love this man. i don't even know if I should tell him how I feel. I've no idea how he feels, we just don't discuss "feelings".

 

Sorry again....thanks for reading....

[jj33]

It is difficult but unless you want to spend countless years in the same situation with this man you need to find a strategy for getting out of this. You are a wonderful 26 year old woman in the prime of your social existence in NYC. Those years will pass.

 

Do you want to wake up in another 4 years and find you are 30 and have spent 8 years with someone who is married and doesnt offer you all that you want in a relatoinship?

 

I am not speaking about the morals. I am speaking about what you want for yourself. At this point you have to assume he is not leaving or you would have heard something from him about it.

 

If you are happy living this way thats your choice but you are not. You are torturing yourself. The breaking away process can take time. It can take time to get him out of your head and to want someone else but it will happen. You dont want to be in a situation where you look back in years to come and think I wasted the best years of my life on a dead end situation.

 

Hes ended it when he felt guilty. End it for you because you beleive you deserve more. There are lots of great guys in New York and and a fantastic city to enjoy with them. You will meet the one who makes you thrilled that you got rid of MM. It may just take time.

[blinded]

I am not in the best position to give advice right now.

 

But you are young. You should go out and date others. If you cut yourself off from other opportunitites, then the right one might get away.

[Spinning Head]

LS - Believe me, I understand what you are going through and feeling. As difficult as it is, you need to end the relationship. My affair ended yesterday (see my post) and I am still reeling from the hurt and pain. But, no matter what MM tells you, he will not leave.

[2sure]

This man loves his wife. She feels like home, comfortable - thats exactly what a soul mate is. Some couples stop having sex and become like roomates and thats a terrible thing and an easy opening into affair/fantasy land. But this particular couple is having sex and regularly too it sounds like. He doesnt want to look like a complete heel in your eyes, so he justifies the affair to you by saying there is a lack of sex/affection. But they have had two children since the sex stopped? Right. Maybe it isnt as often as he would like...children take up a Mom's attention and energy and sometimes Dad feels neglected. Its just a short phase of marriage, he knows it, he's just using you for relief. He loves the attention.

 

Ive said before here and I really think its true: Until you brainwash yourself right out of thinking about him , you wont even be attracted to anyone else. After my affair w/ a MM - I actually found someone with some similar characteristics (good and bad) and my attraction was magnified because he was available.

 

To be honest, you sound like you actually feel his wife is the enemy of your and his affair. She isnt. She has a relationship with him, HE has a relationship with her. If she found out about you before having these other kids - they decided together to stay married and continue with their life. He is a jackass for leading you on.

 

When you clock starts ticking and you desire a family of your own, maybe someone available will blow you away and you will never think of this guy again!

[LostGirl811]

This man loves his wife. She feels like home, comfortable - thats exactly what a soul mate is. Some couples stop having sex and become like roomates and thats a terrible thing and an easy opening into affair/fantasy land. But this particular couple is having sex and regularly too it sounds like. He doesnt want to look like a complete heel in your eyes, so he justifies the affair to you by saying there is a lack of sex/affection. But they have had two children since the sex stopped? Right. Maybe it isnt as often as he would like...children take up a Mom's attention and energy and sometimes Dad feels neglected. Its just a short phase of marriage, he knows it, he's just using you for relief. He loves the attention.

 

Ive said before here and I really think its true: Until you brainwash yourself right out of thinking about him , you wont even be attracted to anyone else. After my affair w/ a MM - I actually found someone with some similar characteristics (good and bad) and my attraction was magnified because he was available.

 

To be honest, you sound like you actually feel his wife is the enemy of your and his affair. She isnt. She has a relationship with him, HE has a relationship with her. If she found out about you before having these other kids - they decided together to stay married and continue with their life. He is a jackass for leading you on.

 

When you clock starts ticking and you desire a family of your own, maybe someone available will blow you away and you will never think of this guy again!

 

Well no, I didn't say they NEVER have sex, I said it's infrequent. And to be honest out of the last 36 months, she's spent 18 of them pregnant, and then recovery time after, so no, I don't think it's often. When me and him started this affair nearly four years ago, we didnt have sex, we barely did more than kiss and hug and etc most of the time to be honest. So I dont think its just sex he was missing, or it would have started alot sooner. When we started seeing each other again, we spent months just talking and hugging and occasionally a little kiss here and there, it was a very emotional affair much more than physical. Out of nearly 3 years of speaking time, we didnt start sleeping together until 7 months ago or so. I don't think they are soulmates, I think he loves her like you love a dear family member. I wouldnt say like a sister because obviously you don't have children with your sister (in most places, ew) but its not 'soulmates'. I , for one, would never cheat on a soulmate because to me a soulmate embodies everything you want in a person, dont they?! They obviously are missing some kind of romantic connection. There is a fine difference between "comfortable" and "feeling like home", and a soulmate.

 

Hell, i could have been married to someone who was comfortable and felt like home already. He was great, loved me to death, did everything for me, would have made a great father, but I knew despite LOVING him very much i was NOT IN LOVE with him. He was not my soulmate. I don't think most people think that intensely about it. They find comfort, and settle for it, and this happens. Affairs are not all just about sex, alot of the time people are missing something, and maybe they don't even know what it is, but when they're with that other person they feel complete. I may sound naive for believing things he tells me, but he doesnt tell me much to be honest, there are no false pretenses between me and him, and I don't see her as an enemy. Im both jealous of her for having him in her life more than me, and pity her that her husband is cheating on her.

 

Im not deluding myself into thinking that he'll leave her to be with me. I hope and pray every day that I meet someone to take my mind away from him. People say "just try being single without him or anyone else" and I gotta tell you, its hard. I do date, I really do try, but I NEVER like them. It's just impossible.

 

i work in a job where there is no one close to me in age, everyone is waaaaaay older than me, so can't meet people there. I go to school, but most kids in my classes are a good 6-7 years younger than me, so that ain't happening either (i finsiihed college but decided to go back to take some science courses for medical school, so they are all undergraduate classes, thus all the other students are like 19-20 years old!). I work and go to school so much that I have barely any time to go out and socialize. And let's be honest, people rarely meet anyone quality while out at a bar. it's just not that easy to meet people out and about, people don't realize that. People meet others through their jobs, through school, or through other friends. I can't meet people through my job or school, and all my friends are, sadly, in practially-married couples that rarely go out anymore and when we do, its me and a sh*tload of couples, and one other single friend. Not exactly prime singles meeting situation. It's just impossible. ive even tried online dating, and same cr*p, never meet anyone I like.

 

I swear Im about to lose it, I just want to go crazy, i can't handle this anymore, I can't focus on anything, this situation is going to freaking kill my sanity, what little of it I have left lately.

[wildsoul]

Hi there LG,

 

You write very well and have obviously been thinking about these problems for a long time. It's exhausting. You're in a good place to get healthy feedback.

 

Given the length of time invested, I think you really ought to look into in-person support for this (in addition to here.) 4 years is a long time. What you said about trying to date and find another "him" was very revealing as to how stuck you are on this one guy. You're in the prime of your dating life, and having some help to get free of this futile dynamic would free you up for someone better. A therapist would be ideal, but you might also look into Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous which is FREE.

 

BTW, in my late 20's I had one exBF who I was so love addicted to that it took me over a year to get over. So I know what it is to be completely obsessed. We weren't in an affair, we were boyfriend/girlfriend for 3 years, but he was a serial cheater. I knew he was bad for me, wanted out, but kept going back. SLAA helped me. For whatever reason, that guy was my crack cocaine. I was so much happier later. Now, I can barely remember him. Mostly, I remember how hard I worked to get free.

 

Stick around. There's lots of things to learn here!

[whichwayisup]

I don't think they are soulmates, I think he loves her like you love a dear family member.

 

If he feels this way, then why do they keep having more children? You're in a fog if you believe he loves her like a dear familly member. He is loving having two women - One, the mother of his children - His wife - Someone who is there for him at home - And you, meeting other needs that she can't meet right now. He isn't ever going to leave her and their children. He may tell you he will, but he won't. Ever.

 

This guy is SCUM - This woman, his wife, has carried his children, gave birth to his children, and the way he thanks her is to have an affair is to have sex with someone else? Oh probably because she isn't into having sex - So he found you to fill in that need. What a jerk he is, lying, cheating and deceiving her!

[LostGirl811]

Hi there LG,

 

You write very well and have obviously been thinking about these problems for a long time. It's exhausting. You're in a good place to get healthy feedback.

 

Given the length of time invested, I think you really ought to look into in-person support for this (in addition to here.) 4 years is a long time. What you said about trying to date and find another "him" was very revealing as to how stuck you are on this one guy. You're in the prime of your dating life, and having some help to get free of this futile dynamic would free you up for someone better. A therapist would be ideal, but you might also look into Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous which is FREE.

 

BTW, in my late 20's I had one exBF who I was so love addicted to that it took me over a year to get over. So I know what it is to be completely obsessed. We weren't in an affair, we were boyfriend/girlfriend for 3 years, but he was a serial cheater. I knew he was bad for me, wanted out, but kept going back. SLAA helped me. For whatever reason, that guy was my crack cocaine. I was so much happier later. Now, I can barely remember him. Mostly, I remember how hard I worked to get free.

 

Stick around. There's lots of things to learn here!

 

Thank you for the caring note....it seems I get alot of simliar responses from other people, telling me he's lying to me, we're both idiots, telling me things I already know but in a manner that just makes me feel horrid.

 

It is an addicition, it really is. I've never been the type to be addicted to chemicals, drugs, alcohol, what have you, but this.....this really is destroying my life, my job, my self esteem probably too.

 

I barely get any work done when im at the hospital because Im so preoccuied with him. I sit and wait for his texts and if I know Im supposed to see him one day, it's like I sit there the whole week looking forward to only that. I don't enjoy anything anymore as much as I used to, except physically being with him and talking to him. Im supposed to see him Tuesday morning next week, and its all I can think about. It disgusts me that I can't wait for the weekend to be over, which is the only time I have to relax and sleep a little becauase of school and work, just so i can see him on tuesday.

 

It's sick, and Im ashamed at how I feel sometimes, even though I know it can't be helped. Im so independent and intelligent and it just kills me that Im so pathetic about this. I have on day off from work next week, and instead of sleeping in, which I desperately need to do because I sleep like three hours a night otherwise, Im waking up early so I can see him before he goes to work.

 

I'll check out that website, thanks. Maybe it'll help, who knows. I have a therapist, can't really go to a new one because of insurance. he's not bad, but he hasn't really encouraged me NOT to see MM. I think maybe he knows its not that easy and that I need to talk things out for now. i cant just make a sudden decision not to see him after four years of this, and the last year the intensity has increased tenfold.

 

At least before i didnt have stupid fantasies about him leaving his wife and being with me. Now Im having stupid and idiotic little daydreams about him leaving her, and its pathetic, it really is, because its never gonna happen. That much I know....

[LostGirl811]

PS- for the record, he's never told me he's going to leave her or anything like that. he hasn't made an false promises to me, and i told him before i didn't expect this relationship to go anywhere. Which I don't. I wish it would sometimes, but in my heart I know the chance of it is 1 in 10 million....

[wildsoul]

I have a therapist, can't really go to a new one because of insurance. he's not bad, but he hasn't really encouraged me NOT to see MM. I think maybe he knows its not that easy and that I need to talk things out for now. i cant just make a sudden decision not to see him after four years of this, and the last year the intensity has increased tenfold.

Intelligence has nothing to do with this. Look how eloquently you write! Obviously, you're a brainiac. You're love addicted to this guy. Addictions by their very nature are not logical. They are emotional and compulsive.

 

Most therapists don't quite understand this. Encouraging you NOT to seem him is not enough. Also, when I was going through that thing with my xBF, my once a week therapist was NOT frequent enough. And I ruined a couple friendships by leaning on them too much. When I finally hit bottom and went into NC, my withdrawals were SO bad that I needed daily support. The fact that SLAA meetings were free meant that I could attend all the available ones in my area (4 per week) and I also used the phone list of people willing to offer support.

 

What I'm saying is that a few things you wrote make me think your withdrawals will be pretty hard. You must go through that phase, and it can take weeks or months. Most people fail at early attempts at NC. You've already tried that a bit. I think it's time for you to step up the support around you. People who aren't very addicted can do this on their own. But like I said, a few things you wrote tell me that you're strongly addicted to him. Doing it alone is not realistic, and your therapist is probably inadequate too.

 

PS: And YES, the fact that he's never told you he's going to leave her for you makes it all the more obvious that his futile situation is bad for you. The liars are horrible, and that we believe them is horrible. Yet in your case, the futile truth is on the table, and yet you're still hooked on him. That's another symptom of your addiction to him. You KNOW he isn't going to give you what you want, yet you stay hooked. You've got some healing to do there. (((hugs)))

[LostGirl811]

Intelligence has nothing to do with this. Look how eloquently you write! Obviously, you're a brainiac. You're love addicted to this guy. Addictions by their very nature are not logical. They are emotional and compulsive.

 

Most therapists don't quite understand this. Encouraging you NOT to seem him is not enough. Also, when I was going through that thing with my xBF, my once a week therapist was NOT frequent enough. And I ruined a couple friendships by leaning on them too much. When I finally hit bottom and went into NC, my withdrawals were SO bad that I needed daily support. The fact that SLAA meetings were free meant that I could attend all the available ones in my area (4 per week) and I also used the phone list of people willing to offer support.

 

What I'm saying is that a few things you wrote make me think your withdrawals will be pretty hard. You must go through that phase, and it can take weeks or months. Most people fail at early attempts at NC. You've already tried that a bit. I think it's time for you to step up the support around you. People who aren't very addicted can do this on their own. But like I said, a few things you wrote tell me that you're strongly addicted to him. Doing it alone is not realistic, and your therapist is probably inadequate too.

 

Hi Wild,

 

Well thanks for the kind words. I'm in MENSA if you believe that! An idiot savant, I like to call myself. Very capable of giving sound advice to other people, just not so great at giving it to myself when it comes to this situation. You'll laugh even more when I tell you that I work as a therapist for a living with drug addicts, so I know the addicition process in general all too well!

 

again, what you've said makes sense, but I fear the reprecussions of my own emotional fragility. I have a history of depression and anxiety to begin with, and I'm quite invested in school right now. It's the last class I have to take (and one of the hardest!) before I take the MCAT in the spring and then apply to medical school. Im having trouble concentrating as it is, but knowing I WILL see him, usually weekly, does help me satiate that feeling of anxiety in a way. im afraid if I choose to end it all at the wrong time Im going to screw myself elsewhere by failing my class, doing miserably on the MCAT, etc. It just never seems to be the "right" time. i dont know.

 

Seriously, I've done nothing productive today, but read these posts it seems! He sent me a text this morning to tell me he had a ridiculously busy day full of meetings and that Im assuming this implies he won't be able to call me today or to see me, so I texted him back asking him to call me while he was driving to his next meeting, you know, multitask, and he hasnt responded nor called yet. I'll probably get a phone call monday to confirm that Im still seeing him on tuesday morning.

 

He's not an *******, but I guess he's gotten more comfortable with this idea of an affair, more so than he used to be, and I guess he's enjoying having me and having his family at the same time.

 

The only one miserable here is me. if he is torn at all about me, he doesn't make indication about it. I wonder if I should tell him how I feel? he isn't particularly good at discussing his feelings regarding most things....he selectively ignores emails that have anything to do in the slightest with emotions.

 

And so it goes on.....

[wildsoul]

Hah! Yes, you and I do have a lot in common.

 

2 more points then:

1. Most people that end up in SLAA only do so after they've been thru every other addiction program. Love/sex are so core to our self-identities. So again, it's not a sign of weakness that this is your issue. In fact, since this is usually the core wounding underneath other addictions, consider yourself working a level of mastery. Don't take that as a sign of pride, because humility is required, but know that it's big core issues that perhaps now you're really ready to heal.
   
2. There is never a good time to go into withdrawals. You might want to up your depression meds and plan for the drop. But as an addiction counselor, you know that it never seems like the right time to quit. That's your inner-addict talking! And since you're a brainiac, beware your addict: she's a smart one and probably very good at tricking you.
   

[torranceshipman]

Sweetie, I feel bad for you! Think of just this one thing: he really loves his wife and thats why he shows the world he's with her through M, and hides you away because he doesnt look at your relationship as anything other than a bit of fun and a brilliant ego boost (with 3 young kids I bet he has a stressful homelife, less attention from the W and is loving the being on the pedestal you have put him on!)

 

I guarantee they have sex regularly...I bet they have a good relationship and are happy. It sucks to say this, but facing reality might be the only way to help yourself move on - and that reality is that they are probably hugging up in bed together tonight, planning family stuff, vacations, discussing the kids, or having sex...and that he is completely lying to you, through his teeth!-so you'll carry on sleeping with him. He's really a nasty piece of work to cheat when he has been with his wife such a short time, and when she was pregnant and when she is at home looking after his kids....you should can this loser, knock him OFF the pedestal you've put him on, go NC and start dating single guys again. Believe me, you're scraping the barrel with this guy!!

[NoIDidn't]

Wow. A member of MENSA here asking for advice.

 

We're not worthy!

 

We're not worthy!

 

Okay, seriously.

 

You are too young to be giving this part of your youth away to an affair relationship. I don't think this MM is a dick purposely, but he doesn't respect you nearly as much as you respect him and love him.

 

But I do have one question, or maybe two.

 

Who opens the door into their home in a towel? No offense, but just about ANY man would have had the same reaction. They are visual creatures. And a naked and willing woman is hardly something even the most committed man could turn away.

 

Do you ever wish that you had just taken the time to throw on some clothing that day now?

[whichwayisup]

PS- for the record, he's never told me he's going to leave her or anything like that. he hasn't made an false promises to me, and i told him before i didn't expect this relationship to go anywhere. Which I don't. I wish it would sometimes, but in my heart I know the chance of it is 1 in 10 million....

 

Then why settle to be the OW? You know the chances of him leaving is really slim, so why put yourself through this heartache and rollercoaster ride? He's a waste of time, even if you DO think you love him.. The longer you stay with him, the more you're going to hurt and it will be harder for you to walk away.

[LostGirl811]

Wow. A member of MENSA here asking for advice.

 

We're not worthy!

 

We're not worthy!

 

Okay, seriously.

 

You are too young to be giving this part of your youth away to an affair relationship. I don't think this MM is a dick purposely, but he doesn't respect you nearly as much as you respect him and love him.

 

But I do have one question, or maybe two.

 

Who opens the door into their home in a towel? No offense, but just about ANY man would have had the same reaction. They are visual creatures. And a naked and willing woman is hardly something even the most committed man could turn away.

 

Do you ever wish that you had just taken the time to throw on some clothing that day now?

 

 

Yes yes, even us Mensa members are otherwise idiots when it comes to affairs of the heart. Or whatever.

 

Anyway, my answering the door in a towel that day is a semantical indifference. I thought it was my sister stopping by to pick up some mail and figured she was double parked , didnt want her to get a ticket, answered the door quickly, in my towel. Either way, as long as he kept popping in to "say hello" we were going to end up sleeping together again. Every time he stopped by it went just a little farther- from sitting on separate couches to sitting on the same couch while talking, his hand on my leg, his arm around me, instead of a kiss on the cheek when saying hello r goodbye, a kiss on the mouth from him. Everytime he broke it off with me when we still worked together, before that year we stayed apart, I NEVER physically tried to put the move on him again, I just didn't refuse it when he would start to give in to temptation either. So I guess that makes us both at fault, but Im getting minorly upset here about how some people seem to be making it out to be as if this is all somehow my fault, especially soem people that privately emailed me, and I am this grand temptress that should have known better than to tempt a married man, and that he tried to break things off with me and I kept pushing my way back into his life??? The only thing I ever did to continue all this was after a year of not speaking I gave into some weakness and I called him at work to say hello. That's it. He asked me to meet him in public, to sway any temptation, and I said great idea. I agreed to have lunch one day as friends. We missed each other, as people that really like each other, its not hard to understand. WHY did he want to see me again, when he believed that I wanted to only meet in public and be friends, if his marriage is so perfect? WHY would he risk, AGAIN, her finding out when losing his children is the most horrifying thing he could think of? If they are having all this wonderful sex and their marriage is perfect, he wouldn't be risking this, I gurantee it. He's never cheated on her before, he hasn't cheated on her with anyone since. He tells his best friend everything, EVRYTHING, he is the only person that knows everything this guy does, and Im also friends with his best friend and the friend came to me one day to ask me what "spell" I have over him, because he's never been like this with any other woman, that he's never cheated with anyone else and he tells him it makes him feel terribly guilty but with me he doesn't know how to push me away. I dont mean to make myself sound all-wonderful, but why is it people never consider the option that maybe, just maybe, this guy really likes me, he just doesn't want to break up the family dynamic he's got going at home? I never asked him to start stopping by my apartment, but considering one of the places he works two blocks away from where I live, and drives by my apartment at least once a week to go there when there's a meeting he has to go to, its hard for both of us.

 

I dont know how often they have sex. Before me and him hooked up and we were just talking as co workers or friends, he used to mention something along the lines of once every 6 weeks. You can easily get your young-and-still-fertile wife pregnant twice in 4 years having sex once every month and a half to two months. i dont see why everyone believes that they are f**king like rabbits every day! A happily married couple shouldnt make love every two months!!!!! Is it just me or am I totally crazy?? Why do people think that this is ok or aceptable just becase you are married? I was in relationship nearly as long as he was married when I met him and I wasnt in love with my fiance , but I did LOVE him very much, and we still had sex at least a couple times a week (and considering I'm of the twice-a-day variety when I really like someone, once or twice a week must have meant we were together a while, lol) because i feel that sex is healthy for a relationship and at the time i wanted to make it work, because I stupidly thought that "being comfortable and feeling at home with someone" was enough. He would have made a good dad. I am thankful to this day every day I didnt marry him, because I'd probably end up just like my married guy. With a husband I adore, kids I love, a perfect life, but desperately missing an emotional connection with a man, lamenting that I've given that up forever, and who knows, maybe end up cheating myself. We didnt have kids of our own, but he had a 1 year old from a previous relationship that I practially had to freaking help raise because the mom was out of the picture and the kid lived with us when i was with him.

 

And all these excuses about how his wife is probably not giving him attention because she's busy with the kids and that's why he's upset and blah blah blah? Why the hell is that ok either? My mother, fantastic mom, has five children. Want to know what she told me one day? She told me if she could have done one thing a little different, is to pay just a little bit more attention to my dad, that they should have remembered that even though they were parents, that they were also a couple, with feelings, emtoins, attractions, and that no matter how busy the day was, with my mom watching five kids, my dad working all day AND going to school, that at the end of the day they should have just taken 10-20 minutes to enjoy each other when the kids went to sleep. People fall into this complacency where they accept that married people with children lose their entire identity as a man or a woman, and as a romantically involved couple. If people got together for the sole purpose of financial stability and pro-creation, then all those comments would make sense. But its b*llsh*t. People initially get together because they like each other, they grow to love each other, they have sexual connections, and to lose sight of all that is dooming your relationship. To say that its ok to TOTALLY lose all that just because you have kids and responsibilities is ludicrous. I know married couples with kids and mortgages and stress galore that still make time for each other and ten years later are not cheating on each other, because they dont lack anything at home to make they want to take that stress on. Because an affair is a stressful, abhorrent thing where both parties are running around, lying, living double lives. No one WANTS an affair, aside from those people that are really sociopathic and could care less if they hurt anyone, but I think that those people are the minority in those that have affairs. I think most people that have affairs are just simply missing something, at least temporarily. Some people have temporary affairs to relieve that temporary anxiety, and some people that just married the wrong person, sometimes they end up doing it far longer, because no matter what they work on with the spouse, they can never get that bit they are missing.

 

Im so sorry to sound so mad but isn't just possible that he both loves his wife but is not IN love with her? He's a man, I dont expect him to say no to the times she offers to have sex with him, whether its every two months or whatever. And Im readily aware that, in a funny way, the fact that he IS seeing me on the side probably has made his marriage better! Think about it- he goes home after seeing me, he's more relaxed, he can go home and help with the kids, be sweet and nice with his loving wife, who I no doubt is a great person, because I dont think he would have married a b*tch, but that doesn't mean he married the person that was right for him, right? He doesn't want to break up his family, or to hurt her by divorcing her, or to ruin everyone's life financially for a long time, but he feels he's missing something. He finds that in me. It sucks, this situation, and I hope every day I meet someone new to take me out of this. I alsmost did once, but that guy was in england and long distance didnt work out...but its possible, its not like I sit at home and refuse dates with all other men in hopes that married guy will leave his wife. Im more than willing to meet someone new.

 

He asked me one day, when he took me out to dinner for my birthday a few weeks ago, if when I finally found someone to marry and be with, would I end things with him? I didnt answer him, because honeslty, yes i would! Why would I need him if I have someone I really want to be with! That's the whole point isn't it. He got married because she was comfortable, and he felt she'd make a good home. Never once, from the day I met him, when we were just friendly and used to chat about relationships, has he ever said "Im in love with my wife" or even simply just that "I love her". He's said "I love her to death" or "She's a great mother". I say "I love her to death" when Im talking about my dog. Or a friend that i just kinda like alot but love is too strong of a word, and Im uncomfortable saying I love her, and "like" doesnt sound as appreciative.

But I feel like I should show some emotion towards the person, so I love her to death! People add words like that when they are uncomfortable with what it might otherwise signify, something that they don't really feel, so they try to justify it.

 

Sorry this is so long, im mildly hungover and starving, I should probably go eat something.....ack.

[NoIDidn't]

Hey LG,

 

That was some book you wrote there. I hope it was cathardic (sp?). I don't mind that you sound upset. You have to get the emotions out to deal with him. And now that they are out and on paper, so to speak, you can read and re-read to compare your feelings to the facts.

 

I saw a lot of rationalizing about the affair in your post. I hope you will print it out and re-read it from time to time. The biggest thing that stood out was the part where you feel that you are helping his M by having an A with him. That's a dangerous rationalization.

 

In fact, the entire post is full of rationalizations for what the two of you are doing. So I hope you print it out and dissect it logically a time or two.

 

A few of the things that also stood out to me:

 

1. they are BOTH fertile if infrequent sex leads to pregnancy so easily (I have some experience in this area, LOL)

 

2. you are right about parents needing to make time for each other, but its nearly impossible to do if one of the parents is making time for someone else

 

3. I was in no way blaming you for the A. Just wondering if you ever thought of what would've happened if you were clothed. But you did answer that it was practically inevitable, and that's true.

 

There were other things but people might not read all of it if it gets too long.

 

I'm curious. Are you trying to get out of the A or trying to justify it? I know you said you were hungover and hungry (lol), but its not clear from that post.

 

And I am the Resident Button Pusher, though I don't intend to be. Sorry about that. I really wasn't blaming you for the A or of tempting him. It came off badly. I was just noting that most men would have a hard time looking away from a naked woman that they have already been fooling around with (the leading up to it).

 

Shutting up now.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Im 26 too & have recently been involved with a MM. Although there is a much bigger age gap between us than you guys (hes 48) & completely different situation - we were roommates as he worked away from wife & 4 kids & ended up renting a room in this house Im currently in, then moved W&K here 3 months ago so he moved out of here.

 

I dont know where my situation is going so Im in limbo right now (he just aint called for over 6 weeks, dont know if he ever will again). I should forget him which is hard cos I love him despite the fact he blatantly groomed me to salvage what he could with me sexually (check out my previous threads).

 

I can totally relate to when you say you cant give him up as you do not feel this strong about anyone else. Like you I do try & meet people but just never like anyone! No one clicks with me like MM did. I tried online dating too & hated it - never actually wanted to meet any of the ones who emailed me, it just felt unnatural. However you are in NYC you lucky thing, probably one of the most cosmopolitan places in the whole world so you have alot of opportunity - make the most of it! Im in a more rural area & honestly do not meet anyone interesting - wish I was there with as many opportunities as you have. Or even if you dont feel ready to meet a guy yet at least make the most of the buzzing social life there with your friends.

 

Of course your MM does genuinely like you dispite never talking about his feelings - you are young, attractive, funny & very clever. It sounds like he is addicted to how you make him feel - just like you are to him. Hence why the two of you are STILL in this A that aint going anywhere. I dont think he will ever leave W however & they probably do have sex more than he makes out - it must take more action than once every 6 weeks to have 2 kids in 1 year think about it! But he is obviously missing something in the M which is why he comes to you. But he is USING you. You have alot of special qualities & deserve better than this.

 

You say there has never been a good time to end it because of job/study pressures etc & you do not want the added stress & upset of finishing things with him but hey, he has finished things with you before - what if he does that again - tells you its over when youre not expecting it? Why not be the one to take control & tell him you are worth more & cannot handle this much longer so its over? If you dont do something this situation could carry on like it has done for many more years to come.

 

I also understand about wanting to be with him so much you are even willing to get up at stupid o'clock on your day off just for a liason when really you should be catching up on some much needed sleep - last time I saw MM was over 6 weeks ago & it was round mine on his way to work @ 7:00am! The need to see him outweighed the inconvinience of getting up early!

 

Hope you get the chance to properly relax this weekend & not anticipate Tuesday morning so much. I know you are looking forward to see him & its all you can think about but make sure it does not stop you enjoying youself. Meet your friends or your sister for a nice meal perhaps?

[torranceshipman]

You sound like you're nowhere near ready to end this A, as you've just argued and defended it to death and you're very defensive! People aren't flaming you, they're trying to help! You'll see this clearer one day...

 

Right now, the bottom line is that he's TOLD you that he loves his W to death (but you still find a way to discredit this - apparently you'd only say this about your dog??-it sounds like a passionate declaration to me, and sounds like you're in denial about how much he loves her) you know he's never going to leave her, he's M, and even said 'when you get M will you end things with me?', meaning that he views this as just an A for both of you. Yet you stay...why? This is a lose-lose situation for you. You should end it now else all you have is more misery waiting for you. I know you love him but, even more reason to walk away as this must really hurt.

 

And I'd stop trying to understand what is going on in their M - he CAN be happy with her and also enjoy fun and excitement with you - some people can just compartmentalise like that, especially when theyre generically selfish/immature people.

[Lookingforward]

Just curious....

 

 

sorry....misread something in your post and the post I made wasn't relevant now I see what your meaning was....

[LostGirl811]

Im 26 too & have recently been involved with a MM. Although there is a much bigger age gap between us than you guys (hes 48) & completely different situation - we were roommates as he worked away from wife & 4 kids & ended up renting a room in this house Im currently in, then moved W&K here 3 months ago so he moved out of here.

 

I dont know where my situation is going so Im in limbo right now (he just aint called for over 6 weeks, dont know if he ever will again). I should forget him which is hard cos I love him despite the fact he blatantly groomed me to salvage what he could with me sexually (check out my previous threads).

 

I can totally relate to when you say you cant give him up as you do not feel this strong about anyone else. Like you I do try & meet people but just never like anyone! No one clicks with me like MM did. I tried online dating too & hated it - never actually wanted to meet any of the ones who emailed me, it just felt unnatural. However you are in NYC you lucky thing, probably one of the most cosmopolitan places in the whole world so you have alot of opportunity - make the most of it! Im in a more rural area & honestly do not meet anyone interesting - wish I was there with as many opportunities as you have. Or even if you dont feel ready to meet a guy yet at least make the most of the buzzing social life there with your friends.

 

Of course your MM does genuinely like you dispite never talking about his feelings - you are young, attractive, funny & very clever. It sounds like he is addicted to how you make him feel - just like you are to him. Hence why the two of you are STILL in this A that aint going anywhere. I dont think he will ever leave W however & they probably do have sex more than he makes out - it must take more action than once every 6 weeks to have 2 kids in 1 year think about it! But he is obviously missing something in the M which is why he comes to you. But he is USING you. You have alot of special qualities & deserve better than this.

 

You say there has never been a good time to end it because of job/study pressures etc & you do not want the added stress & upset of finishing things with him but hey, he has finished things with you before - what if he does that again - tells you its over when youre not expecting it? Why not be the one to take control & tell him you are worth more & cannot handle this much longer so its over? If you dont do something this situation could carry on like it has done for many more years to come.

 

I also understand about wanting to be with him so much you are even willing to get up at stupid o'clock on your day off just for a liason when really you should be catching up on some much needed sleep - last time I saw MM was over 6 weeks ago & it was round mine on his way to work @ 7:00am! The need to see him outweighed the inconvinience of getting up early!

 

Hope you get the chance to properly relax this weekend & not anticipate Tuesday morning so much. I know you are looking forward to see him & its all you can think about but make sure it does not stop you enjoying youself. Meet your friends or your sister for a nice meal perhaps?

 

 

Hey heartbr,

 

Ah, I wish it were that easy. The thing about NYC is, it IS a great big wonderful city with lots to do and millions of people, but at the same time it can be one of the loneliest places in the world when you have no one to share it with. And when you have my crazy schedule on top of it, working from 6 in the morning 8 hours and then going to school on top of it most of the week after work, it leaves little time to socialize. Most of my friends are already part of couples, and when I go out with them they arent looking to socialize with strangers and meet new guys or girls, so I dont really meet anyone either. To be honest, it isnt all that easy to meet people when you go out anyway.....its rather rare. People go out with their own groups of friends, for the most part, and they stick to them while they're out. Occasionally if its a small group or a pair JUST girls, a couple of guys might go up to them, but considering 90% of my friends are guys, that isn't very likely with me..... i can't go out six nights a week like I did in college on my schedule, i Just can't, and going out even one night a week in this city isn't really improving my odds of meeting anyone. I like going out with my friends once in a while, but even lately there's always at least ONE point in the night where I get just a little melonchaly and depressive....even though I try to hide it. My friends usually know why I get like that, but they don't know what to do about it, so they don't say much anymore, and I guess I don't expect them to.

 

Lately I just wish I could run away , for like a month, just go away somewhere and relax, but I don't even get that. I was supposed to go to Vegas for my birthday and it got canceled. No one really remembered to go out for my birthday. I had dinner with a couple of friends, and everyone seemed to be tired that night so we had a few drinks and went home. Married guy took me out to dinner one night, that was about the most exciting thing that happened that week. My schedule, it just sucks so much right now, and I work so hard, and inwardly Im just miserable with everything. So you can see why, despite the torture it otherwise instills, I cling to this effing A and don't know how to get out of it. Because of all the crap in my life, it's the ONE thing that I ever get to do just for ME that I can remotely enjoy for even an hour or two. Everything else I do is for school, for work, fo rmy family, for my friends, nothing I do is for ME. I know I try to rationalize , and partially is because there ARE two ways to see everything, but who knows.

 

I found it funny that someone that responded above took married guy's question of "are you going to end this with me when you get married to someone one day?" as a sign from him that he was telling me this is only an affair. I took it as a weird sign that he'd actually be upset himself once I found someone else. I tell him all the time about dates I go on and that I know that this thing with him can't do anywhere. He's never actually said that to me, but how can it?

 

And yes, no offense to the same person who for whatever reason found this to be a proclamation of his affection, but when someone uncomfortably says "I love her to death" I find that to not be a very strong way of saying you love someone that is supposed to be important. I find it a way of saying in a way that you care about them, but you aren't quite in love with them. Want to know why I found it odd that he would describe feelings for his wife this way? Because he said it when i first met him, like he was trying to rationalize why he married her, because he has kids with her, because he's stuck in this situation and there's no changing it and he doesn't want to admit that he married the wrong person. Because he had to follow it up with more reasons he can't leave his marriage that were all superfluous. He couldn't just say "I'm in love with my wife" and leave it at that, because him loving his wife isn't the reason he stays married. Because he said the same thing to me ("you know I love you to death", when i told him i was seeing someone new and we should stop things) years ago the first time me and him broke things off, maybe a year after we met. I didn't expect him to be in love with me at that point, he knew me long enough to care for me but not long enough to be in love with me, so that would make sense to say that about me, but to describe his feelings for his wife of 5 years in the same exact way as youre telling your new friend you really like them? THAT tells you people that he's in love with his wife? I think the only thing it does is solidify that he knows he's not IN love with her, but that he cares about her and doesn't want to sound like an a-hole by not saying anything at all.

 

 

Just my two cents. I assure you, the way he said it was in no way a romantic proclamation of being in love with his wife. You can't help but love the mother of your children, the woman you've been with 7+ years, if she's a good person. Time and time again, I never said he hates her. But when you are in love with someone....you don't cheat on them. When youre really happy with someone.....you don't cheat on them. Or , at least, I wouldn't. When i was engaged to someone and almost cheated on him, I held back, realized this wasn't the right person despite him being perfect in every other wway, despite him being a good man, a future wonderful father, I wasn't going to put us through that, so I ended it before we got married. Not everyone thinks about it enough. And then they end up like this, in an affair. But I guess really Im the only one miserable here anyway, so who cares?

 

One of these days I'll see him when Im in one of those angry, p*ssed off sort of moods and I'll just tell him to eff of and go home to his wife, and to tell him how much emotional anguish he's tormented me with, I just don't know how to say it yet. Maybe he'll break it off with me and make my decision for me, and I'll deal with that if it happens, but I haven't been able to do it yet. Hell, Im trying to move to London for a year, and then starting medical school after that, so there's lots that could be in store, and who knows if I'll meet someone there or there? Guess only time will tell. In the meantime I look to boards like this for support, because despite my argumentative ways, it is refreshing to get perspectives from all angles, because sometimes friends and family aren't the best or most appropriate source for guidance. that's why people have therapists I guess....an unbiased ear to listen.

 

The weekend is almost over....I wonder how he'll be when I see him Tuesday morning.....I haven't heard from him since Thursday when I got a text saying he had a really busy day that day. Will update you guys as I go, if you want to read then good, if not, thanks for reading at least once.

 

cheers

[torranceshipman]

Hey, feel free to mention me by name! I wasnt trying to flame you in any way, and if you feel like I'm wrong, fine, it doesnt matter to me, just trying to give some advice....I'm just saying to you what I;d say to a good friend. You treated my observations like a personal attack and I'm really sorry its not what you wanted to hear, but take that frustration out on the MM delivering those lines to you, not me! I certainly wasnt trying to have a dig at you.

 

Just remember he's a M guy who just told you he loves his wife, and isnt ever leaving her - isnt that the bottom line here? Isnt that a situation you'd tell one of your best friends to run away from?

 

I get why you're so defensive, because you want to find something positive to hang on to so, so much - but-like I said I was just trying to give you a bit of advice. Good luck whatever you do...

[manugeorge]

I think I'm going to be the voice of desent here, this post is really interesting and honestly, I think you shouldn't break off the affair OP. Keep having it, keep going out and sleeping with him. From the way you keep rationalizing it, you obviously enjoy it and it's feeding some need in you so why stop? You don't sound like you want to stop so don't!.

 

It's ultimately silly when people try to stop others from crashing and burning, especially in delicate situations like affairs. They are not going to listen, cheaters have to crash and burn on their own. They have to hit bottom on thier own.

 

You don't need our advice, keep dating him, until you can't anymore and then you can figure out what to do about it.

[LostGirl811]

im sure no one is reading this anymore, but I've gone 5 days without speaking to him. I don't know if it really counts because part of that was the weekend, and I never speak to him over the weekend anyway, but usually by Monday morning I'm sitting in my office staring at the clock until I know it's time for him to be at work so I can call him and ask him if he's coming over this week.

 

I've been thinking alot and between the bouts of depression I get sporadically angry, which i think is probably the healthier emotion to have anyway. I don't want to call him today, though of course, Im secretly hoping he will call me. I guess I would be upset if he didn't call me, and if he DOES call I'll probably be weak and agree to meet up with him, but Im going to try my hardest to not be the one to make first contact. I need to get back some of the dignity I've lost lately. If he doesnt call me at all maybe it will be the start of the NC I probably need to do anyway, but I dont know.

 

I think it pissed me off to this new extent last week, because before he used to call me and email and text on his own, and lately I think he's been taking advantage of the fact that I always call him to make plans and am the "go getter" and proactive person in this relationship, and to be honest I work my schedule so much around what's good for HIS schedule, waking up early on the few days I get off of work just to see him in the morning, and I think he's gotten used to this whole cheating thing. I think I almost prefer when he was wracked with guilt all the time, I think he was nicer to me then. Last week was the first time in the four years Ive known him that I felt used and cheap for a moment.

 

He came by Tuesday morning before work, and (sorry if this is graphic for anyone, but really, we're all adults) I had my period, so, he's not one of those sex-on-period guys, so we couldnt fool around like that. HE still wanted something, of course, and since I like him so much I like to make people I care for happy, so I gave him some.....um.....oral conversation. Of course, he went off to work happy-dandy, and I didn't mind because I like to make people I care about feel good, which is normal. That part is fine. What ISN'T fine, is that I told him, perhaps too in a joking manner, that now it was my turn so his butt better come over after work on Thursday to give me a little stress relief. He said he'd try, but that he had some work conference he might not be able to get out of. Sure enough, he texts me on thursday afternoon to say he can't get out of the conference so he can't come over. Fine, that's dissapointing, but even that part i can deal with. What I CAN'T deal with, is the fact that when I sent him a message back, he didn't bother to respond again. I sent yet another message stating "i hate it when you don't respond to my messages, it's borderline insulting", and he didn't respond to that either. That's the second or third time in the past couple of weeks that he's just ignored text messages I sent him or messages I left to call me back. The other times he gave me excuses that he got busy with work and forgot to return messages.

 

Of all the things I put up with in this situation, the one thing I expect is a little respect. I don't ask for much, I don't ask him to call me when he's home with his family, or at work, but is it asking so f**king much to call me back on your drive home ? To take two minutes to step out of your office to send me a text saying you're busy but you'll speak to me later?

 

Am I being "girly" and stupid about this and over-reacting? Sorry, but I guess i figured that if i was nice enough to wake up at 8 in the morning just to give him a freaking BJ on his way to work, the least he can do is fathom a little respect to return my messages when I ask him to....he NEVER used to be like this, i don't know what's happened the last few weeks that he's been a jerk on several occasions, but for four years he was great and all of a sudden this. maybe he's becoming to comfortable in this cheating role....

 

Am I right to be this pissed off?