I am literally commitment-phobic

[spookie]

I've felt pulled in two directions nearly the whole time I've been with my boyfriend (about 3 months now).

 

Our relationship is healthy, stable, and always getting better. He treats me really well, we have the same sense of humor, I love cuddling with him, having sex with him, spending time with him. By all accounts, it's a great relationship, the kind I know people search for their whole lives; and he's an awesome catch. Not only is he genuinely really nice, trustworthy, dependable, and loyal, but I know he'll make a wonderful father, husband, and provider; and he is smart, cute, and hilarious.

 

I do feel lucky. I have what others spend lifetimes trying to find. I do want this.

 

But all my life I've been chasing something else. Some kind of elusive magic that I am afraid will over time turn me into one of those women in their thirties and fourties: the walkaway wives. Seeking divorces for no reasons at all other than that all this lovely stuff we all wish for is empty.

 

I had this magic with my ex, even though on most counts that was a terrible relationship, which resulted in my wasting four precious years of all my different types of potential, not to mention my time; which brought down my self-esteem to zero and sunk me into a depression so deep I'm still surprised I crawled out.

 

What it was, I think, that we had, was that we thought very, very alike. Not only could I read his mind, and he mine, but it was nearly always the same thoughts the other one was having: the same reactions to things, the same motivations, desires. Which was boring sometimes, and probably led the both of us terribly astray at others, since of course sometimes we were both wrong; but most of the time, it felt like he was my soulmate; and that I had found my haven, my safe spot, someone to not only understand, but to verify if I was right. About all my conclusions.

 

And then there's the interest issue, with my current boyfriend. He's a sports-friends-and-beer-loving kinda guy. I don't know if it's apparent, but I'm not. I fear if I stay with him I'll either lose the parts of me that feel scared and lonely and alive and that I was somehow magically able to share with my ex and I'll become one of those boring soccer moms in the type of relationship where all you do with your SO is have conversations about the household and eat and watch TV; or that we won't share them which will cause us to eventually drift apart (walkaway wife situation).

 

In summary:

 

I wanted the relationship I have with my bf (stable, happy, secure) with my ex. But I'm afraid of proceeding with it with the bf because I don't feel the same way about him that I did my ex. But maybe that's better, since I AM happier? Maybe it's a first cut is the deepest kind of scenario?

 

Or should I end it before either of us get more involved? (It's going to hurt so much already.)

 

Help?

[motive2002]

This may be worth a browse...

 

http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/0440506255

 

My ex is from the midwest and has "runaway bride" syndrome, as she liked to call it. must be something in the water down there.

[Ruby Slippers]

I can relate. I felt such a close connection with my ex. I felt (and, honestly, still feel) that he understood me and cared about me more than anyone else ever has, my current boyfriend included. My ex made me feel gorgeous and glowing, and we had a magic that I do not have with my current boyfriend. (I have been on the brink of breaking up with him for weeks, though, so my situation's a bit different than yours.)

 

I think intuition rarely leads us astray. There's a reason you're not with your ex anymore, yes? What is it that's missing with your boyfriend, and can you think of ways to develop that? The relationship is young, and you may have simply not reached the next level of connection yet.

[spookie]

The relationship is young, and you may have simply not reached the next level of connection yet.

 

This could be. One reason I have stuck around is that our R is always getting better. I feel comfortable, funny, and sexy around him all at once, which is amazing, and he takes such great care of me and always makes me laugh. He's the first person I would call with good news and bad, and he's always there for me, something my ex didn't even believe in dong. I'm just happy. Secure and content and happy.

 

But that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I would break if I lost him - it isn't there. And in the back of my mind always are such realistic questions as "Can I do better?" (answer: in terms of what I'm looking for rationally, probably not) and "How can I make him exercise so he loses the weight he's started to gain and encourage him to take better care of his skin?"

 

It's just doesn't feel all love-at-first-sight that I would swim across an ocean for soulmate me. Like it did with my ex, all three years. He doesn't blow me away.

 

And I'm scared to start to care about him because I'm not sure I should, if I don't feel those things. If it's not meant to be. I don't want to hurt.

[Nemo]

He doesn't blow me

Definitely a deal-breaker.

 

Then again, if everything else if perfect, then this is probably as good as it gets. Oftentimes, one never quite knows what one has, until it's gone (with apologies to whomever said that, more concisely, and profoundly, first). So try very hard not to let go of the best thing that has ever happened to you.

[Ruby Slippers]

But that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I would break if I lost him - it isn't there.

I think that's a very GOOD thing -- a sign of maturity. I feel the same way now, but I think I would feel that way with anyone, just because I really have learned to stand on my own two feet.

 

And I'm scared to start to care about him because I'm not sure I should, if I don't feel those things. If it's not meant to be. I don't want to hurt.

How long was there between your last (soul-shaking) relationship and this one? For me, it was just a few months, which I think is not so good. It takes time to get over the demise of such a serious commitment.

[Ruby Slippers]

This could be. One reason I have stuck around is that our R is always getting better. I feel comfortable, funny, and sexy around him all at once, which is amazing, and he takes such great care of me and always makes me laugh. He's the first person I would call with good news and bad, and he's always there for me, something my ex didn't even believe in dong. I'm just happy. Secure and content and happy.

Sounds like maybe you're skeptical, thinking this is too good to be true, and afraid to commit because of that? Maybe?

[pandagirl]

I understand what you are saying -- that that special feeling you had with your ex isn't there with your current boyfriend, but every relationship is different. Does that "feeling" merit so much weight that it would make you want to break up with him?

 

That feeling is amazing, but it doesn't carry a relationship. You stated that things didn't work out with your ex, even though you were so connected. You sound really happy and confident in your current relationship, which, IMO, is the most important part of a successful relationship -- someone who makes you feel loved and supported.

 

Maybe you should just relax and let things happen -- you never know, those special feelings could develop with your boyfriend. I'm a firm believer that you make love happen, it just doesn't magically appear.

[audrey_1]

I can relate.

 

I broke an engagement nearly two years ago now to a man who made me feel secure. He was always there for me: caring, affectionate, financially supportive, but I just didn't feel like I could be with him, even after he put a 2 ct. princess solitaire on my finger. I didn't feel that way about him.

 

Now I'm dating someone who keeps me in a constant state of stomach butterflies, but he isn't as attentive, not very affectionate, and also thinks I should fend for myself in most situations. I was financially independent in both situations, so that's not really an issue, but it would be nice if he was a fraction as openly caring as my ex, since my heart seems to be more invested in this situation.

 

BUT - I'm wondering if my commitment-phobic tendencies put me in this situation purposely. That is, I had a man in my life who it was obvious was there for me in every way; all I had to do was surrender to being his wife and live happily ever after, right? I ran.

 

And now I'm in a situation that will probably never reach a serious level of commitment. I have been giving a lot of thought to whether this is subconsciously all that I can handle. It's something I have been struggling with, and I know that it's not healthy. I have to figure out why I'm never satisfied with relationships.

 

I'm trying to become aware of myself in this process. It's all you can do. Really think about it, and be honest with yourself about why this could be happening. In my case, my parents had an awful marriage. I witnessed their extraordinarily bad methods of dealing with each other, and I believe this has caused me to fear being in a "healthy" relationship, for fear that it won't last, and it's easier to self-preserve and find myself in situations that I know will ultimately end.

[Treasa]

My boyfriend is cuddly, friendly, funny, intelligent, honest, and incredibly reliable.

 

Do I feel the butterflies I did with some other ex's? Well, no, not anymore (we've been together for four years).

 

But when he broke up with me when I was treating him less than well, I realized how incredible he was. He definitely has his flaws, but now I realize how lucky I really am.

[spookie]

I can relate.

 

I broke an engagement nearly two years ago now to a man who made me feel secure. He was always there for me: caring, affectionate, financially supportive, but I just didn't feel like I could be with him, even after he put a 2 ct. princess solitaire on my finger. I didn't feel that way about him.

 

Now I'm dating someone who keeps me in a constant state of stomach butterflies, but he isn't as attentive, not very affectionate, and also thinks I should fend for myself in most situations. I was financially independent in both situations, so that's not really an issue, but it would be nice if he was a fraction as openly caring as my ex, since my heart seems to be more invested in this situation.

 

BUT - I'm wondering if my commitment-phobic tendencies put me in this situation purposely. That is, I had a man in my life who it was obvious was there for me in every way; all I had to do was surrender to being his wife and live happily ever after, right? I ran.

 

And now I'm in a situation that will probably never reach a serious level of commitment. I have been giving a lot of thought to whether this is subconsciously all that I can handle. It's something I have been struggling with, and I know that it's not healthy. I have to figure out why I'm never satisfied with relationships.

 

I'm trying to become aware of myself in this process. It's all you can do. Really think about it, and be honest with yourself about why this could be happening. In my case, my parents had an awful marriage. I witnessed their extraordinarily bad methods of dealing with each other, and I believe this has caused me to fear being in a "healthy" relationship, for fear that it won't last, and it's easier to self-preserve and find myself in situations that I know will ultimately end.

 

Sounds like a lot of drama audrey. I wish it was as simple as meeting someone you feet nauseous with butterflies with and spending the rest of your life trying to make that person happy - like I thought love was when I was little. Why does life have to be so complicated?

 

My relationship with my ex was pretty terrible. He was never there for me, he didn't want to be involved in my life or for me to be involved in his, he didn't support anything I was ever interested, he was a bit of a mysogist, very narcisistic; our sex life was terrible. My current bf scores an A+ in all these categories... and yet... I don't know. It's like the way I award respect is all messed up and I respected my ex for being incredibly selfish cause I thought it was a sign of strength, and I can't respect my bf's niceness. Even though in my head I know I should.

 

That's one line of thinking I've been down. The other is that the feelings I had for my ex resulted not because of who he was, or how we were together, but because he was my first everything, and I met him when I was young, and I thought we were going to be together forever, and I believed in all that crap about true love etc. back then. So the blow stung, as it would anyone going through the first breakup, but more so because I think I fall in the sensitive category of people, and also due to the painful terms of our breakup (he cut me out completely in the end, refusing even to reply to my emails, which I did not deserve, very soon after I had an abortion).

 

The third thing I can think of is that, like Ruby mentioned, I have learned to stand on my own two feet, so I don't "need" my bf as much as I needed my ex. Maybe my fear was not the fear of losing HIM, but the fear of being alone, which I am not inaccurately attributing to some magical special bond we shared.

 

At the end of the day, there are a lot of reasons for me to stay with my bf and see where things go, and not any good ones to end it. I don't want to break up and go back to craving my ex (with whom it's been completely over for more than a year and a half!) That's just crazy. It's time to move forward with my life, and my bf adds to it, without taking anything away.

 

We're actually long-distance temporarily right now (for about 9 months) which is great IMO because it allows me to focus on the other parts of my life, which are important to get straight, while getting to really know him over the phone. We'll see how things pan out.

 

If anyone has any insight or is willing to take a side in the long-standing immediate crazy butterflies vs. compatibility debate, do chip in.

[underpants]

Awe Spooks,

 

I am glad that you have the introspection to question yourself. That is very rare you know? Especially in someone as young as yourself.

 

The thing is that your ex is an ex for a reason. By your own admission you would like your current bf to act in a way that would of course f' up the stable dynamic that drew you to him in the first place.

 

Or you would like that ex, that by your own admission was a "terrible relationship" to somehow develop qualities that your current bf has. In doing so of course, that would screw up the chemistry that made the "terrible relationship" just painful enough to wound you just right.

 

It really is circuliar and silly when you think about it too much.

 

This is the crux of the dilemma.

 

You do say that you are happier with the current fellow. Can you talk to him? Tell him things he can do, or not do that would help that chemistry along. I do maintain that it is far more rewarding to teach a good man to be a little bad then it is to try to invest in an already proven bad match.

 

He is the one in your life now. Work on that and if he is not the guy for you then move Foward. Comparing is unfair, you know.

[audrey_1]

Sounds like a lot of drama audrey. I wish it was as simple as meeting someone you feet nauseous with butterflies with and spending the rest of your life trying to make that person happy - like I thought love was when I was little. Why does life have to be so complicated?

 

My relationship with my ex was pretty terrible. He was never there for me, he didn't want to be involved in my life or for me to be involved in his, he didn't support anything I was ever interested, he was a bit of a mysogist, very narcisistic; our sex life was terrible. My current bf scores an A+ in all these categories... and yet... I don't know. It's like the way I award respect is all messed up and I respected my ex for being incredibly selfish cause I thought it was a sign of strength, and I can't respect my bf's niceness. Even though in my head I know I should.

 

That's one line of thinking I've been down. The other is that the feelings I had for my ex resulted not because of who he was, or how we were together, but because he was my first everything, and I met him when I was young, and I thought we were going to be together forever, and I believed in all that crap about true love etc. back then. So the blow stung, as it would anyone going through the first breakup, but more so because I think I fall in the sensitive category of people, and also due to the painful terms of our breakup (he cut me out completely in the end, refusing even to reply to my emails, which I did not deserve, very soon after I had an abortion).

 

The third thing I can think of is that, like Ruby mentioned, I have learned to stand on my own two feet, so I don't "need" my bf as much as I needed my ex. Maybe my fear was not the fear of losing HIM, but the fear of being alone, which I am not inaccurately attributing to some magical special bond we shared.

 

At the end of the day, there are a lot of reasons for me to stay with my bf and see where things go, and not any good ones to end it. I don't want to break up and go back to craving my ex (with whom it's been completely over for more than a year and a half!) That's just crazy. It's time to move forward with my life, and my bf adds to it, without taking anything away.

 

We're actually long-distance temporarily right now (for about 9 months) which is great IMO because it allows me to focus on the other parts of my life, which are important to get straight, while getting to really know him over the phone. We'll see how things pan out.

 

If anyone has any insight or is willing to take a side in the long-standing immediate crazy butterflies vs. compatibility debate, do chip in.

 

Then I would definitely, definitely take it one step at a time with the current guy, as the ex does not sound like he would be good for you, no matter how big the immediate crazy butterflies.

 

And I agree that the long distance gives you time to focus on yourself; you can be that much stronger when you two are closer in proximity, and able to hopefully see things clearly. In my situation with the ex-fiancee, I didn't have the butterflies, but everything else made sense. Now that I've had some time to think about my breaking it off, I wonder if I made the right choice because we were lacking "passion." I no longer think that's the best thing to make a relationship decision upon, but it's too late. He has moved on.

[spookie]

Oh God.

 

This is such a hard line to walk for me.

 

Scratch what I said before. I think the butterflies aren't there because I have butterflies poison sprayed all over my insides because I am TERRIFIED.

 

Literally terrified of giving someone the power to hurt me again.

 

I mean, things are groovy now, but they're always groovy at the beginning, right? And then just as soon as you fall it all goes to s!ht. Someone changes or decides they need more (any in this possible scenario) experience and you are left blaming yourself. Wishing you could be everything the other person wanted, cause you love him so much.

 

I'm always checking myself when I start to get my heart tied up. But today my bf and I talked on the phone for 3 hours, and I just wished he were near me; and when I called him again later, he was at some party and I just got so jealous; even though I know he's just hanging out with his friends, and it's his last year of college, and I would be doing exactly the same thing.

 

I'm lucky that I trust him completely, not just not to cheat but not to even consider leaving me, not for someone else, not to be alone; he's that kind of guy, with those kinds of standards for commitment - otherwise I'd be depressed as s!ht right now, instead of just craving his smile and his touch.

 

I'm glad it's an LDR. I was nervous before that he'd be hard for me to talk to, but that part's fine. And it's so nice that I get the time and space to evaluate whether to take every step emotionally or not, instead of just jumping in blindly. Or not at all.

 

But I do really, really miss him.

[mortensorchid]

The grass is always greener as they say. I wish I could still be with an old bf I was with 7 years ago. I loved him COMPLETELY, but he had never been in a long term relationship before (the longest being a scant 2-3 months years before, and that ended because she moved away for a job and he choose not to go after her). I said when I was with him that there would NEVER be anyone else. Sometimes I think I can't fully give myself to any other man even now.

 

I say stay with the bf. We're going to have good and bad times in life and there's nothing you can do about it. This is one of those areas unfortunately. Don't give up on it.