chunga Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 HI This is a long and complicated problem basically I dont have any friends, and the few people I get a chance to be friends with always seem to ditch me at some point or I simply act weird (uncunciously) so they dont ditch me first. The bigger problem is that Im in collegue but im a bit older then most people cause I changed both school and mayor plus also had to stop studying for a while, so that makes it even harder, Im 25 and most people in my grade are between 19 and 21, I do look younger but when they find out they, do get surprised. i've had trouble making/keeping friends since highschool, so if I cant get along with people my own age, trying to be friends with younger people is even harder. its also been almost 9 years since I had a boyfriend, only had one on my firstyear of highschool, and we lasted less than a month, and now I cant get along with boys who seem interested in my, but at this point no one is, and im not even ugly. My only social life is on vacations with my family, cause I get to hang out with my cousins and go out to bars and clubs and basically do what young people do, and I do have a great time, but when it comes to getting back to the real life it sucks, besides its embarrasing to tell them that i dont have friends cause all of them (they are many) have great social lifes. I also have a bigger brother and he is the complete opposite of me, he has had many meaningfull relationships, he never lasts too much time without a girlfriend and he has really loved them, he has a HUGE friend base, his social life goes on almost everysingle day of the week, Every week, clubbing, partying, restaurants, trips, anything. He even has friends my age and younger and has many old and new friends, really good ones. I asked him once (i was desperate) that it could really help me if he could invite with his friends a couple times, and I even cryed when I told him cause it was extremely hard for me to say it (he had no idea i felt that way, and he even used to call me a dork or even lesbian, which I dont mind about them, but I like boys and im not at home by choice), and he was really sweet and understanding and said yes, but he has never asked me out with him and his friends, and after a couple weeks, he went back to name calling and what not. So theres gotta be something wrong with me cause it is mentally frustrating, I hate weekends, holidays, special events and specially my birthday, cause its embarassing that I've spend it alone for many years, and I dont like it when my family visits me and realize I have none to go out with, thinking Im a loser or a weirdo The turning point (at least one of them): Last weekend I got invited to a birthday party (I had just met this people from school) and the invitation said bring all the people you want, so I got ready for the party but then I realized I had none to bring and that I'll be alone at the party cause the few people I knew were all in a relationship so they wouldn't be talking to me at the party, and since my mom knew about this and she loves it the few times I go out, I didnt told her that I wasnt going, so I DROVE ALL NIGHT bymyself, didnt go to the party, and came home 4 hours later pretending I had lots of fun when in fact I was sad and miserable for missing the one event i had been asked to for in a while. I even told the people who invited me that I was in another party but my "friends" decided to stay in that one instead of going to theirs, which ovbiusly DID NOT HAPPEND. I dont understand why I did this, but its getting harder and harder and worse, im lonely as hell, and no having friends is making it impossible to make friends, so its like a vicius cricle and I cant seem to get out of it. When people realize I dont have any friends or anyone to hand out with they think its weird and they stop tallking to me, or it turns into less or colder chitchat than before. Sometimes I try my best and do everything that seems to be right (complements, being positive, finding fun topics to talk about) but it only lasts when on school, or if we have the same classs, if we dont, next semester, is like we dont even know eachother or just a "hi" now and then. I hate MSN cause of all the people i have on my contact list, i really dont have anything to chat about, and the conversations, usually go like this: "hi how are u" "fine and you", "im fine too" "what you did last weekend?" and it all goes to hell, cause i have nothing to say, even if I make something up there nothing else to chat about.... Dont know what to do, cause the obvious seems extremely difficult, if not impossible, I have tried and tried for over 10 years and i even get headaches from figuring out what to say on 'normal" conversations, i also have stomach aches, and its getting harder everyday... im extremelly sad but i have to keep going to school cause I want to graduate, or else I wouldn't even have any social contact at all but my family.
SexinmyCity Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Have you tried a MeetUp in your area? It's a kinda cool thing, and you could meet people that way. The only other thing I would suggest is maybe going to a church. They usually have a college/career group or singles group, and you could meet people that way.
kizik Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I hope you read what I am about to write, and think about everything I'm about to say. I hope you are not one of these new users on LS who is defensive and doesn't listen! That said, here goes. Im in collegue but im a bit older then most people cause I changed both school and mayor plus also had to stop studying for a while, so that makes it even harder, Im 25 and most people in my grade are between 19 and 21, I do look younger but when they find out they, do get surprised. Don't worry about the fact that people in your grade are younger than you. College is something that, unlike middle or high school, not everyone does at the same time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being 25 and still in college! Hell, I won't get my B.A. until I'm 26. its also been almost 9 years since I had a boyfriend, only had one on my firstyear of highschool, and we lasted less than a month, and now I cant get along with boys who seem interested in my, but at this point no one is, and im not even ugly. You seem to have a problem trusting guys. You sound very afraid that no one will like you! Like you said, you tend to sabotage relationships before someone can get a chance to know you. If you open up, and be yourself, you will be surprised at how much people admire your honesty. I do have a great time, but when it comes to getting back to the real life it sucks, besides its embarrasing to tell them that i dont have friends cause all of them (they are many) have great social lifes. You have a great time when you go out, what does that tell you? That you are a fun person who enjoys being social. As far as not having friends, and being embarrassed to say so, remember this: No one is better than you. Everyone makes friends at different times in their lives. So stop comparing yourself to others. then I realized I had none to bring and that I'll be alone at the party cause the few people I knew were all in a relationship so they wouldn't be talking to me at the party You psyched yourself out. If you had simply gone to the party, you prob. would have had a great time! Try to get out of your head. Go with the flow. Relax. I would totally recommend some counseling. You're depressed! But realize that you are normal and that making friends can be hard. But you are the only one making it hard for yourself with your self-defeating attitude. You need to learn to really love yourself. Do this: Look in the mirror. Look in your eyes, look at your smile. Admire your hair. And listen to the sound of your laughter the next time something strikes you. You are a beautiful woman! It doesn't matter how many friends you have if you know that. Someday things are going to be better for you. In the meantime, all you can do is to be yourself, get into some therapy, be outgoing, and don't worry so much!!!
BklynGuy Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I can relate. I don't like to keep a large circle of friends. I've had friendships that I've felt were meaningful, but it's very hard to trust people and eventually you see their quirks. No one is perfect but I feel like you have to try and be good and nice to your friends. What I've learned is to watch the company you keep and the crowd you/they bring. Just be choosy and keep watching them for what they do.
ed-205 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Another way to look at this is to realize that you don't get invited to parties by people who do not think you are worthy of friendship. If they ask you to bring as many people as you want, then you should at least bring yourself! You need to improve your self image, because if you don't like you, who will? Church is a good idea, but you might also look into doing some volunteer work, or joining a Bowling League or something of that nature. Do something that makes you feel good about who you are - Heck, I used to go to the city park and pick up litter just so I could tell myself the place was a little cleaner and nicer because I took the time to do it!
Author chunga Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 hi guys thank you for your comments, i have actually tried all those things and most times at the beginning things look pretty good but eventually everything goes back to ¨normal¨, I mean, whenever I start some activity involving other people, or the times I have changed schools the same thing keeps happenig. That is why now I cant even get to that point, im too afraid of being dissapointed one more time, and so now i try to "act as if" im happy when im around other people, when in fact im miseerable but too afraid to ell anyone. I have also been on therapy with a psycologist who then told me to see a psyquiatrist cause I was preescrived antidepressants for over a year, but the meds and the therapy did not worked, so i stopped both, not just cause of that but because i couldn´t afford it anymore. Its been over 2 years since that btw. btw, i´ve had friends, friends i considered to be my best friends, now they are only people i know but never get to see or even talk too, I also found out i wasnt even considered "that" important to them as they were to me, i understand you can´t make people like you, even if you are a good friend but its really hurtfull to find these things out, maybe im too sensible to other peoples opinion but i just cant help it, i try to hide it though. ANYWAY....I will try to go out to any other event im invited to Sorry for rambling about this
Mr Chitwood Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Maybe this friend thing isnt just the problem. I feel that same way to the "T" at times, but when I feel this way its because of a much deeper resons. I'm in a slump at this point in my life where I don't have any friends. The resons I don't have those friends is because I pushed them away and don't make any effort to talk to them or meet new people not saying that I don't want to, Its because I'm always so fixated on being so lonely. I've been so worried about finding a partner or 2 years now, its drives me crazy. I think about it so much that I don't stop to smell the roses EVER. At times I don't even know what I like to eat, not spending time to get to know myself becase I don't even know who I am at times. If you don't know who you are and what kinda stuff you like then how would you expect other people to know who you are and what are things you could do together. Find yourself and show your colors don't be afraid to speek up, if you love yourself then people will be able to love you.
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