quankanne Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 tonight I was accused of being "very unchristian" because I told my husband flat-out that I did not appreciate him inviting his one "friend" over to Sunday dinner. Yes, I have serious issues with the man … I don't like him, I don't trust him, I don't appreciate being forced to socialize with him. Simply because he crossed my personal boundaries not long after I was introduced to him (about 12 years ago). husband thinks I should have told him off and punched him when this creep started licking my neck at a party thrown by another friend. I think my husband should have backed me up by telling him to show me respect and to not pull that kind of crap. Instead, DH thinks I'm making a federal case about it, and on the days that he actually considers this guy a friend, I'm being "mean" and "unkind" by not being friendly to this person. sorry, but someone who uses you isn't your friend. Someone who hits on your wife and tries to ingratiate himself to her by making you look bad isn't your friend. Someone who only hangs around when he needs or wants something is NOT a friend. Uncharitable as it sounds, I do not waste time cultivating friendships with people like that, but do my best to avoid them, to a point of seeming rude. I don't know how to graciously unextend DH's dinner party invitation, so I told him T could come, but that in the future, he was not welcome at any of our gatherings. Yes, I'm a bitch, but my thought is that if DH wants to be his "friend," that's his decision, but not to expect me to socialize with someone who seriously creeps me out like this guy does. unchristian, yes. Cultivating a secure surrounding, oh HELL YES. I've told my husband that despite what he feels, he really needs to be more considerate of my concerns than his so-called friend's.
2sunny Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 i think you should be absent when the time of the gathering arrives. it may seem weird to some - but i view eating a meal with someone as a very intimate event. i refuse to eat with someone i dislike. it is a privilege and an honor to share a meal with the people i love and respect. i hold this ritual in high regard. your husband is disrespecting you by putting you in this position. if it's that important to have the friend there - then let him eat with the friend... you can gracefully bow out and tell your husband to come up with his own excuse to tell the friend why you're not present.
zxcirce Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Has the neck-licker ever apologized? Is this a snapshot of how he usually acts or was it a one time thing? I wouldn't like to socialize with a boundary-crosser either, but his behavior since that incident would certainly come into consideration in my decision.
Ronni_W Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Tough call. Twelve years is a LONG time to be carrying feelings of being offended. At this point, is it more about Hubby's reaction at that time, or the actual incident? I get that the guy doesn't have the personality/qualities of someone whom you'd choose as a friend...but hopefully he has done a bit of growing-up since way back then. At the same time, yeah...you totally get to choose who enters your home. When I had a similar issue with bro-in-law, though, I didn't put it on hubby to tell his brother. (Now that I'm thinking about that, hubby didn't support me in my position either -- but I didn't give two hoots, didn't judge hubby for his own position...and BiL STILL wasn't welcome .) But. One could also say that your Hubby's lack of understanding of, and empathy for, your sensitivities are "very unchristian", could one not?
Author quankanne Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 avoiding him isn't a problem, though DH and I are hosting the dinner party, so there's going to be limited contact. What pisses me off most is that just because HE is getting along with this guy at the moment doesn't mean I'm supposed to ignore instinct and be his buddy, too. has he ever apologized? No. But instinct tells me that he wants something more, because he's got a sense of entitlement when it comes to things that "belong" to my husband – this is the guy that runs to DH everytime he needs money, when he wants something and thinks DH is in a position to procure it for him ... to a point where he has "helped" himself to some of our stuff because he thinks he rightfully has access to it. Basically, the guy is a user. Twelve years is a LONG time to be carrying feelings of being offended. At this point, is it more about Hubby's reaction at that time, or the actual incident? I know, and it does bug me to some degree that I'm still responding this way. But at what point is it smart to ignore your instincts about a person. I just don't trust him, all going back to that incident of disrespect. And it doesn't help that my husband is completely ignorant to the fact that I don't approve of this person in our life. I mean, HE can bitch and moan whenever this guy takes him for a ride, but like I said, it's a federal case when I air my misgivings about him. . One could also say that your Hubby's lack of understanding of, and empathy for, your sensitivities are "very unchristian", could one not? :laugh::laugh: .... :confused: but here's the rub: DH actually thinks by being "good" to this guy is going to buy him redemption. To a degree, I get wanting to do good/right by others, but not to the point of making yourself so vulnerable that they take advantage of you! And this guy is the kind who will do just that, he has before.
Trialbyfire Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Your husband has every right to have any friend he wants. You also have every right to not want to have this friend over. I agree that your husband should have called this guy out for his inappropriate behaviour towards you. If anything, I hope at minimum, you've called him out in the past for his behaviour. If not, you could also suggest to your husband that if he shows up, you feel it's time to call him out on his past behaviour publically.
Ronni_W Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 just because HE is getting along with this guy at the moment doesn't mean I'm supposed to ignore instinct and be his buddy, too. I sure wouldn't be seeing it that way! I'd be putting it on myself to ignore the guy...not my own good instincts. As much as hubby gets to choose his friends, I get to choose what I ignore! he's got a sense of entitlement when it comes to things that "belong" to my husband – Basically, the guy is a user. The other side of that coin: hubby is a doormat (at least when it comes to this guy)...but he calls it "being christian" and is awaiting his heavenly rewards -- does that about sum it up? If so, really not sure if there is a way you can help hubby see the errors in his thinking and clouds in his judgment. (Maybe you could go, "Look darling, there is a HUGE difference between acting dysfunctional and "being christian" ??? ) But at what point is it smart to ignore your instincts about a person. I just don't trust him, all going back to that incident of disrespect. Well, I never tried to ignore those qualities of BiL that led to our disagreement, and I do not trust him on certain matters, either. For a long time we just kept polite distance...I think probably I didn't keep mentally rehashing what a jerk I thought he was. (I did that for me, and also for hubby. But for me, first and foremost.) At present, we are quite friendly. People change in all sorts of ways. But if hubby had tried to manipulate me into being nice to BiL before I was ready, and if I had built resentment towards hubby from day 1, it's highly possible I'd still just be pissed at BiL. Based on my own, could I offer that maybe it's more about your hubby's lack of support for you, willingness to be a doormat for this guy, and seriously distorted thinking when it comes to his 'friend', and misguided beliefs about what it means to be "christian"...to the point where hubby is negatively judging you for your own feelings about the guy?
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