kiki30 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 So my ex and I broke up. We dated - no lived together and dated for 6 of the 7 years. We had a series of problems he is emotionally repressed and I was filled with rage. Nevertheless, I poured everything into the relationship. I endured - verbally abusive and emotionally abusive relatives, his former female friends with benefits that he allowed free reign in his life (calling every day, coming over unannounced, and all the while his family encouraging it, even calling her over), exgirlfriends being invited to parties. Because I knew he was raised with no conception of boundaries I pushed through became his mother (of sorts) and his girlfriend I had to teach him even basic things like making a deposit in a bank machine - he had no guidance from his parents. Anyway this set up the dynamic of the relationship I had to constantly be the manning the ship, when we had problems he shut down i basically begged and pleaded for him to communicate while he shut down. I had issues of abuse and for years I suffered nightmares and traumatic moments where i was shaking physically. He made attempts here and there but basically went back into shut down mode. Finally after 6 years of taking care of him and centering the relationship _ i decided i needed to focus on me, go out with friends (which only he did), talk on the phone more, focus on my studies etc. I had so many of my own issues I wanted to work through.... Once I stopped manning the ship things deteriorated really quickly, to the point that I decided that I needed a break some time to figure out what i want - i loved him and wanted things to work but I was exhausted emotionally drained from being there for him to the detriment of my own needs. He could not understand! He trivialized my issues! He basically said nothing but a few words before I made my decision to leave - i left him the car (which i own), I paid my share of the rent (and rent outside of the home), i called him and expressed over and over that i was not trying to push him away that i was confused. Anyway alone and on my own, i suffered i began to drink heavily, stopped eating(lost 15 pounds and i small as it is) started having dizzy spellls, became withdrawn and cried constantly. Then i started picking up a vibe from him - turns out that he started tallking to some chic 4.5 weeks after i left and is still communicating and seeing her. I moved back home to find all this out and he treats me like i am enemy number 1... i was devestated. Not only did he make no effort or even respond to my efforts to reach out to him - he tells me it is not worth it - and that he wants to be happy "after all I was the one who left!" now i am trapped here with him till we sell the place - and have started to drink again, barely can eat. He spends every waking moment away from home, no doubt calling or spending time with his new friend. Even figured out that he was bringing her here - i was paying rent so he wouldn't suffer financially and he started seeing another girl and brought her into our home. I am struggling everyday just to manage - meanwhile he treats me like ****. Help! I feel so depressed and alone.
journey1 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Get your needs in order and cut him off financially! DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE GIRL..........SHE IS A REBOUND GIRL AND IS BEING USED BY HIM. HE NEEDS A CONSTANT IN HIS LIFE. ALL YOU CAN DO NOW IS GET YOUR THINGS AND LET HIM BE. YOU NEED TO CUT YOURSELF OUT OF THIS TOXIC RELATIONSHIP! IT IS NEVER GOING TO BE WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE!! aND WHERE WAS THE RING OR THE NEXT STEP?? wAS IT EVER GOING THERE??? Seems as if he had it all from you and needed to give NOTHING, NADA, ZIP!! Please stop self medicating with the alcohol. You need to be clear headed and make concise decisions! Alcohol leads to drunken stupidity and regrets of calling, crying, begging, pleading........Believe me I am guilty of it all! Take the advice of a stranger.......no more years wasted on a guy who has a bad upbringing, no morals, no drive, no ambition (I am rude but honest!) take the time to get your life in order and move on!!!!!!!!
journey1 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 You are not alone....you have all of us on here. :):)
butterfly2508 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I understand how you feel. I too just broke up with my BF of 7 years. We have only lived together about 2 years though. He was a jerk. He put me down, made me feel bad about myself, and I revolved around him for a long time. Last year he cheated on me, 4 months before we were supposed to get married. I broke everything off. We own a home together, so it was holding us together. About 2 months after the break up, he begs for me back. I took him back, thinking I should give him another chance. It was great for a few months. Then things started to fall back into the old routine. We were distant, he was making comments about other women and my weight. He even started hanging with his ex. The past few months I have had doubts on whether or not it was working. We tried counseling, didn't seem to help. He was invited to go to vegas with said ex and her friends. I said no, and he didn't think that was right and didn't see anything wrong with it. Needless to say, I have left him. He's in the process of begging for me back, but I don't think I want to go back. I can completely understand how you feel and how hard it is to separate. You really need to, he's not good for you and he sounds childish. Move on, sell your place as fast as you can and move on. Don't help him pay bills, he's a big boy and can do that himself. You need to cut him off completely. Move out if you can, get away from the bad. You'll get through this and it will have made you a stronger person.
Author kiki30 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Thank you for the support guys, This guy has really shown me his colours. Sure he wanted to have kids and get married some time in the near future. But we never really seriously discussed it. I knew deep down inside that we were not ready - too many fundamental problems not the least of which was communication and trust. Without those two things I knew that we were doomed to fail. I knew that I could not bring up kids into that sort of environment - he didn't seem to understand the urgency of the matter. Nothing was ever urgent to him come to think of it, except for going to the gym I guess. He wasn't a bad guy we used to have a good thing - but we wasn't the right guy. Since I have opened up and started spending time with people, just friends - i have learned that the things I asked for him to work with me on - are not that hard to come by in other people. Even after i found out about the girl and him not making any effort to reach out to me - i swallowed my pride and suggested that we go to counselling rather than throw away 7 years that we spent together. He said no - it is not worth it. I stressed that he had not even given him self to process what was going on between us b/c he leap frogged to some other chic to soothe his pain. He just repeated that he thinks that we are just better moving on. After years of putting up with his wide variety of problems - i did not deserve 3 months of time to figure out what i wanted. Even though i wanted to work together with him to figure that out - i asked him to work with me - i tried and tried to communicate with him while i was on my own - but he had already been doing god knows what with this chic by then and i was paying for the convience of it. What a fool huh?
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