Dirk Diggler Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Why don't people feel bad about leading others on to expect a relationship and then only using them for sex and dumping them? A friend did this recently to me - it never occurred to me that a friend might use me for sexual pleasure or that he was trying to set up a FWB. It's like saying - "i like you enough to use you like a cheap piece of meat but you're not good enough for a relationship". Why don't guys feel guilty about this? Especially, using their female friends like this when nothing has ever been discussed about FWB between them. He upset me when a realised what his intentions were and then he tried to say I went along with it. He acted like he wanted a relationship and then said he didn't want a girlfriend. I am devastated that people treat each other this way - even people they have known for a long time. Have people become that selfish and cruel? Maybe you should have taken more time to get to know the guy shopping before putting the fish out on the market. It is common knowledge if you give it up so easy there is a massive loss of respect. After that he probably thought you were worth the FWB and that's about it. No quality relationship was going to come from that kind of beginning.
djhall Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I guess if they were "friends" who spent time together, he would have made a move quicker than waiting a year and a half. Maybe they were just casual acquaintances. It doesn't sound like they were friends in the true meaning of the word. From her descriptions they were "close friends" and she trusted him with her feelings. In my experience, it really isn't all that hard to blur the line between being romantic friends and platonic friends. Thinking of things I have done in the last few years with female friends: go to ren faire, talk for an hour on the phone, meet at a restaraunt for dinner, go out for a movie and coffee, go to the beach or the lake, go skiing or snowboarding, spend the night on the couch at their house instead of making the two hour drive home, sit on the couch together and watch DVDs. Except for the expectation of sexual contact (other than the usual... I can't be the only person whose opposite-sex friends hug them and give them a quick kiss goodbye) what is the real difference between an evening with a friend and a "date"?
Author Noos Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 He wasn't going to "hit it once". I pulled out of anything with him to be clear about what was happening after that one time. He kept contacting me until I wondered, wait up, what is going on here - you're too busy to date me but you're contacting me all the time, remember? I also knew he had a water polo ball coming up and he hadn't asked me to it. I saw the invitations on his dining room table the morning after the deed. We shared a diary at work (i'd left but had remote access from home because I was still working on some projects as a contractor) and on his side, I saw another girl's name continuously popping up - he took her to the ball, went to a wedding with her, had a BBQ at his house with her and both their friends. We had known each other for 16 months. He had made his interest clear for 14 of those months. I didn't want to date someone I worked with so I didn't respond to his flirting and comments until I left our common workplace. We hung out, we went out to dinner with his friends, we went out to dinner alone, I went to his 30th birthday and met his family. I feel like I can't trust anybody, not even people I know well. And I'm giving up - I can't deal with the sort of lying and disrespect out there. I'm clearly not good enough for a real relationship.
vonerik012 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Did you ask him if he was seeing other people? Were you together everyday like a couple?
Author Noos Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 More than likely, he would go above and beyond to be of service to you when he can. "Need me to come by and take a look at your refrigerator" just because he knows it's giving you trouble, without you needing to ask him. He'll try to extend his role in your life, not merely say things... He did do this. Saying, you haven't had me over to hang up those paintings you bought yet...etc. He'd run errands for me.
Author Noos Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 Maybe you should have taken more time to get to know the guy shopping before putting the fish out on the market. It is common knowledge if you give it up so easy there is a massive loss of respect. After that he probably thought you were worth the FWB and that's about it. No quality relationship was going to come from that kind of beginning. For the 2nd or 3rd time, I'd known him for 16 months and he's been trying for about 14 of them. I don't think that makes me easy that I went to bed with after knowing him for 16 months. In fact, that almost makes me like a friggin' nun emerging from a convent! For f**k's sake people - God!
Angel1111 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I feel like I can't trust anybody, not even people I know well. And I'm giving up - I can't deal with the sort of lying and disrespect out there. I'm clearly not good enough for a real relationship. That's a tough feeling to get past. You have to know it's not true - you are good enough - it's just that when someone betrays us, we tend to take it personally. Hard not to. I don't know why this guy did what he did but you may need to ask him about it sometime. I mean have the two of you totally stopped talking at this point, or still talk on 'friend' terms? Anyway, I'm so sad for you that you're feeling this way. So lost and not feeling like you can trust. I've wondered the same thing - why is it that people don't think about their behavior, the consequences of their actions? I just don't know. It just seems that some people are not quality people.
vonerik012 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 For the 2nd or 3rd time, I'd known him for 16 months and he's been trying for about 14 of them. I don't think that makes me easy that I went to bed with after knowing him for 16 months. In fact, that almost makes me like a friggin' nun emerging from a convent! For f**k's sake people - God! Were you a couple? Talking everyday? Spending most nights together? Did you ever ask if he was seeking someone else? Do you own him and his emotions becuase you decided to have sex with him?
Angel1111 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I still think that honest, good people should date one person at a time, they should do not two-time and do not use their close friends for sex if they already know that that person wants a serious relationship. I totally agree with this. If anyone had ever put me in the position to compete, I would have bowed out immediately. I have no patience for that stuff and I have no patience with serial daters. You meet someone you like, you date them to see if there's anything there. If there is, great - stay with it. If there isn't, then move on. If you are dating more than one person, that shouldn't go on for very long. I think a choice needs to be made within a short period of time. I guess some people just date to be dating. I'm just not cut out for that.
vonerik012 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 These 2 did not even seem to be dating. He liked her for 16 months, and she would not date him because she worked with him. They went out with friends sometimes, sometimes alone, etc, but were you a couple? Did you have an exclusivity talk? Or you just finally decided to have sex, so now you own him? During that 16 months she did not date anyone else?
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