why don't people feel bad about this?

[Noos]

Why don't people feel bad about leading others on to expect a relationship and then only using them for sex and dumping them?

 

A friend did this recently to me - it never occurred to me that a friend might use me for sexual pleasure or that he was trying to set up a FWB. It's like saying - "i like you enough to use you like a cheap piece of meat but you're not good enough for a relationship".

 

Why don't guys feel guilty about this? Especially, using their female friends like this when nothing has ever been discussed about FWB between them.

 

He upset me when a realised what his intentions were and then he tried to say I went along with it. He acted like he wanted a relationship and then said he didn't want a girlfriend.

 

I am devastated that people treat each other this way - even people they have known for a long time.

 

Have people become that selfish and cruel?

[motive2002]

It's not just guys that do this.

 

I dunno how many times i put up with hearing about some woman's douchebag for a boyfriend, while she's trying to cuddle up against me or whatever. Like I was a surrogate for the attention she wasn't getting from the dude.. and then of course the cherry on top: "I'm glad we're such good friends".

 

[daphne]

A lot of guys just lack integrity when it comes to getting laid. I'm sorry that you were mislead. Maybe next time you should talk about intent before you do anything physical to avoid the confusion. He's a douche.

[pandagirl]

I'm sorry. The guy was just being SUPER selfish. No reflection on you. People can suck sometimes.

 

The last guy I dated said to me on the night we were going to have sex for the first time: "I know we are going to break up, but I really want to have sex with you and I don't want to lead you on." Sounds really jerky, but I appreciated his honesty.

[Star Gazer]

I'm sorry, I guess I just don't see how he led you on to make you think he wanted a relationship. I fail to see how he's a bad guy here. Is it just because he got what he wanted and you didn't? How is that his fault?

 

If anything, he could just as easily have said that YOU led HIM on to think that FWB was what you actually wanted. What did you say to the contrary?

[Noos]

Str Gazer - you don't see it because because I haven't put the details in my OP. It's not about how he led me on - it's why guys don't feel bad about it.

[Krytie TV]

Because it's a behavior learned from being with enough people that are dishonest, themsleves. They don't feel bad about it because, in many cases, it is women that have taught them to become what they are.

[Star Gazer]

Str Gazer - you don't see it because because I haven't put the details in my OP. It's not about how he led me on - it's why guys don't feel bad about it.

 

No, actually...I do. I've been following your threads. I fail to see how he led you on. You're friends, he said he liked you, you had sex. None of those things say, "I want to be your boyfriend."

[monkey00]

Because it's a behavior learned from being with enough people that are dishonest, themsleves. They don't feel bad about it because, in many cases, it is women that have taught them to become what they are.

 

I agree either a guy is a flat out nice guy or a douchebag. Either a woman is a nice girl or a b!tch. I think some people just have just about the same amount of problems on being on either extreme. People of all walks of life exist all over the world, there's nothing you can really do about it except be more cautious next time around.

 

In your case, the guy was selfish and cruel. There are women who do the same also but may be more suave at it and less blunt..as would a guy.

[KinAZ]

Well, I don't know how old you are, but sometimes a girl will think that because a guy desires her sexually that he desires more as well. And, well, if you haven't learned better yet, that can be misleading. Also, sometimes a guy can express wanting one thing... and change his mind, assuming that he did verbally express wanting a relationship with you. Why he changed his mind, there could be a billion reasons. Maybe he wanted what he wanted, but didn't expect what he gotr. Maybe he felt trapped or crowded for instance.

 

And then, also depending on your age group, some guys are only friends with a girl because they think that they will eventually wear her down. I've seen this to be more common in the younger years.

 

And if we say that he was all out deceptive, he may rationalize it by saying that you were stupid. I'm not calling you stupid, or saying that what he did was justified, as I don't know all the details. But in his mind, it may be that any girl who puts out so easily should know what she's getting herself into.

 

In any event, I don't think it's right to take a supposed friendship so lightly. At best, it is rather immature. If all you want is a roll in the hay, I say it's best if you make sure to be very clear about your intentions. Someone can easily mistake your meaning if you're not.

[IrishCarBomb]

Str Gazer - you don't see it because because I haven't put the details in my OP. It's not about how he led me on - it's why guys don't feel bad about it.

 

Is this the guy from like 6 months ago that you worked with? From what I can tell, he did explain before the sex that he didn't want a relationship. Now, I will concede that he was shady because he told you he didn't want a relationship until you were naked in the bed, but still, he did make his intentions known while you didn't explain that you needed a relationship.

 

You were two consenting adults. He may have waited until the last clear chance to try to lay out his intentions, but he still did. I wouldn't say he was "using you and then dumping you."

 

Guys that lie for sex are douches and should feel bad, but I don't think this particular guy is as bad as you say he is.

[djhall]

4 I fail to see how he led you on. You're friends, he said he liked you, you had sex. None of those things say, "I want to be your boyfriend."

 

Actually, I think SG has a good point here. If you have an expectation of what getting intimate with a person means, isn't it your responsibility to make that clear before you go ahead with the intimacy? If having sex means soemthing more than having sex, shouldn't you clarify that before allowing things to go that far?

 

You said, "He acted like he wanted a relationship and then said he didn't want a girlfriend." Could it be he didn't do anything to explicitly communicate that he was looking for more than what was going on, and you made assumptions that later turned out to be incorrect?

[Star Gazer]

Actually, I think SG has a good point here. If you have an expectation of what getting intimate with a person means, isn't it your responsibility to make that clear before you go ahead with the intimacy? If having sex means soemthing more than having sex, shouldn't you clarify that before allowing things to go that far?

 

You said, "He acted like he wanted a relationship and then said he didn't want a girlfriend." Could it be he didn't do anything to explicitly communicate that he was looking for more than what was going on, and you made assumptions that later turned out to be incorrect?

 

To answer your questions from my perspective, yes, yes, and yes.

 

Trust me, I've been in Noos' shoes. It sucks. But I learned my lesson.

[Noos]

Shouldn't the onus be on the person who initiates the intimacy? They are deliberately witholding information of interest to me in making the decision. I love how people always blame the person who was wronged. It was my fault - he pursued me, flirted with me for 10 months, and dated me and I told him I wanted to date and so her started kissing me, making out on various occassions, sleeping with me - and I should've said "do you just want to be my friend???" Get real!

 

He also didn't think it was relevant to tell me he was dating another girl at the same time. He was meant to be with her that weekend (holiday weekend) but stayed in town to nail me, apparently. Only found out later. There is a lot more I have not posted in any thread.

 

I still think that honest, good people should date one person at a time, they should do not two-time and do not use their close friends for sex if they already know that that person wants a serious relationship.

 

He told me he was too busy to date me at present and if he had time, he'd want it to be serious. He was just going to get through this busy time at work. He really meant he was too busy dating someone else.

[Noos]

may be that any girl who puts out so easily should know what she's getting herself into.

 

 

I don't think making him chase me for 16 months makes me easy. Thanks very much.

[Adunaphel]

I truly hope you won't consider this guy a friend of yours anymore.

Even if he never told you he wanted to be your bf (so he hasn't been technically lying or making false promises), he was supposed to be a friend of yours, and friend are not supposed to lead you on.

I am sorry that you were played. I hope that the next guy you date will be in a totally different cathegory - luckily not all men are like this!

[djhall]

Shouldn't the onus be on the person who initiates the intimacy? They are deliberately witholding information of interest to me in making the decision. I love how people always blame the person who was wronged. It was my fault - he pursued me, flirted with me for 10 months, and dated me and I told him I wanted to date and so her started kissing me, making out on various occassions, sleeping with me - and I should've said "do you just want to be my friend???" Get real!

 

He also didn't think it was relevant to tell me he was dating another girl at the same time. He was meant to be with her that weekend (holiday weekend) but stayed in town to nail me, apparently. Only found out later. There is a lot more I have not posted in any thread.

 

I still think that honest, good people should date one person at a time, they should do not two-time and do not use their close friends for sex if they already know that that person wants a serious relationship.

 

He told me he was too busy to date me at present and if he had time, he'd want it to be serious. He was just going to get through this busy time at work. He really meant he was too busy dating someone else.

 

I'm not trying to blame the victim, but rather trying to point out that you seem to be shifting the responsibility for knowing what your expecations are, knowing what your limits are, knowing under what circumstances you would or would not be willing to engage in sex, and enforcing those limits before engaging in sexual activity from yourself to your friend. It is entirely possible that you discussed this stuff wtih him at length in advance and he flat out lied to you, but I suspect you would have made that abundantly clear in the original post.

 

Should you have said, "do you just want to be my friend???" probably not. Should you have said, "This is getting pretty serious... if this keeps going are we looking at a relationship here, you and me as a couple, or are we just fooling around?" Absolutely, if the answer was important to you in deciding if you were okay with sleeping with him.

[Noos]

It was - I asked him and he said he was too busy at the moment due to work but he wanted to be serious when he did have time because he didn't want me to get angry when he couldn't be there with me.

 

Little did I know that he meant he was too busy dating another girl without telling me and that he never planned to have time to be serious with me.

[KinAZ]

I don't think making him chase me for 16 months makes me easy. Thanks very much.

 

LOL, sorry, I wasn't calling you "easy". As I said in my post, I don't know the situation between the two of you. You asked a general question. And while using you in the example, I was giving a general answer.

 

Why do men/women not feel guilty about it? Because they feel that the person put out too easily. And no, it has nothing to do with "chasing" in some cases, but sometimes forming something solid before hand. Sometimes it is a matter of clarifying the details. You know? OK, you like me... but like me in what way? What do you want from me in the long run? What are your expectations? Are you looking for something that will lead to a relationship or just looking for a little late night fun? It don't matter if it took him 2 weeks or 2 years when it comes to THOSE types of things. I'm not trying to come down on you at all, as, like I said before, I don't know your situation. But if you didn't with this guy, make sure that you're clear about a guys intentions in the future. And if you're not, don't expect anything from him other than what you got.

 

If it is that he literally told you that he wanted to be in a relationship with you, it could be that he changed his mind, and it could be that he was simply dishonest. You seem to be implying that he used you. And if you wanna know why men and women use people and don't feel guilty about it later... well... there's your answer, hun. That doesn't make it right, but it is what it is.

 

Best wishes!

[flc]

It was - I asked him and he said he was too busy at the moment due to work but he wanted to be serious when he did have time because he didn't want me to get angry when he couldn't be there with me.

 

Little did I know that he meant he was too busy dating another girl without telling me and that he never planned to have time to be serious with me.

 

I'm sorry but this is nonsense. You have to protect yourself no one else will do so. If someone wants a relationship they will want to be with you, they will not let anything else get in the way. Anytime you start to hear excuses your radar needs to go off, listen and try not to just hear what you want to hear.

 

People tend to be selfish when they are younger as you get older you will recognize that your self image is driven by your morals and integrity not by self gratification.

[vonerik012]

You weren't used. You should wait to have sex until you are in a relationship, if this type of thing might bother you.

 

Did he say he loves you, wants to be with you for a long time, etc have sex, and then disappear? If not then you are to blame.

 

Guys do not feel bad about it because we are wired differently, and view sex differently. We mke 1 million sperm a day, and are biologically meant to spread it. You have a few eggs from birth that you are biologically meant to protect.

 

Even the women that sleep around most STILL have different feelings than men after sex.

[Walk]

I had a guy do this to me when I was younger. In hindsight.. seems like there were a lot of little clues I didn't pick up on. Subtle clues I over looked because I had no experience dealing with anything like that.

 

Like the guy in your example saying he didn't want you to get angry if he couldn't be with him. The words seems off... anger is a strong "you wronged me" emotion. Anger because of work? hmm... Just seems off. An emotionally unattached person may have questioned that farther. An attached person could intrepret it as a statement of caring.

 

I'm worried that a young acquaintence of mine might be dating a guy like this right now. I want to say something to her, but she's so blissfully happy that I don't think my concerns would be met with anything but anger. Besides... I don't know their full story, so I could be wrong. But little things she told me he said make me wonder if she is aware of how contradictory his words and actions are. Unfortunately, she'll probably have to learn the hard way too.

[Taramere]

He also didn't think it was relevant to tell me he was dating another girl at the same time. He was meant to be with her that weekend (holiday weekend) but stayed in town to nail me, apparently. Only found out later. There is a lot more I have not posted in any thread.

 

I still think that honest, good people should date one person at a time, they should do not two-time and do not use their close friends for sex if they already know that that person wants a serious relationship.

 

He told me he was too busy to date me at present and if he had time, he'd want it to be serious. He was just going to get through this busy time at work. He really meant he was too busy dating someone else.

 

He withheld information to an extent that makes him dishonest in this context, I think. If you know someone, class them as a friend and pursue them in a romantic/sexual manner, then failure to let them know "I'm involved with someone" is dishonest in my book.

 

That said, what I or you believe is dishonest probably doesn't mean very much in the overall scheme of things. I think what people are trying to focus on, in their responses to you, is that we can't really control how other people choose to conduct themselves in the romantic realm, so it's best that we concentrate on protecting ourselves emotionally.

 

So for instance, if someone seems to be pursuing you, and you're interested in them, it's important to find out whether they're involved with anyone else. I think a lot of people will be dishonest by omission....but are more liable to balk at giving an outright lie when asked a direct question.

 

Be clear and unapologetic about who you are. Some people can cope quite easily with casual sex. For others, absence of an emotional connection can be an unsettling and upsetting experience. The latter might not be fashionable, but there's more to life than twisting yourself to fit trends of what women are supposed to be depending on what year we're in.

 

In this scenario, there was a sort of emotional connection insofar as you and he were (supposed to be) friends....but you still feel used, because he slept with you and is now indicating that there's no dating relationship between you. I would think the sensible option would be to have nothing further to do with him. That doesn't need to be a hostile action. You can simply tell him that the Friends with Benefits might suit some people - but for you personally, sex and a non-dating style friendship don't mix. Goodbye.

 

I don't think this is something you should beat yourself up about or get overly down about. It's a learning experience. What you've learned about yourself is that you feel uncomfortable about having sex outwith the context of a traditional relationship. That's something you shouldn't be afraid to make clear to anyone who's pushing for a sexual experience with you. Some might respond "woah - too much too soon" to which you can respond "well, likewise."

 

I think you might well find that the less concerned you are with wishing you could influence other people's values, the more confidently and openly you'll feel able to express yours, then walk away without much ado from anyone who rejects them.

[Walk]

I don't think this is something you should beat yourself up about or get overly down about. It's a learning experience. What you've learned about yourself is that you feel uncomfortable about having sex outwith the context of a traditional relationship. That's something you shouldn't be afraid to make clear to anyone who's pushing for a sexual experience with you. Some might respond "woah - too much too soon" to which you can respond "well, likewise."

 

I think you might well find that the less concerned you are with wishing you could influence other people's values, the more confidently and openly you'll feel able to express yours, then walk away without much ado from anyone who rejects them.

 

Good points Taramere. Well said.

[Trialbyfire]

Things don't jive in this thread. Was he your friend or did he pursue you for 10 or 16 months?

 

There are different types of friendships. Close friendships where you trust people A LOT and casual friendships, where you enjoy each other's company but aren't relying on them and not putting your heart into it. The close friend doesn't pursue or use you. The casual friend you don't invest in.

 

If a close friend is pursuing you, they're not really a close friend anymore since it's now become a matter of self-interest.

 

Invest wisely Noos and have the exclusivity discussion before entering into a physical situation, if you're not comfortable with someone who's dating and/or sleeping with other people at the same time.

 

Btw, multi-dating isn't dishonest if you tell someone upfront that it's happening. People aren't responsible for each other, if given a complete understanding of the situation. It's withholding the information that's dishonest.

 

To argue this from the other perspective, why didn't you ask? In not asking, you enable people who lie by omission and for that matter, why trust in someone who may or may not have your well-being at heart? Don't you see how backwards this is?