blinded Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 This is my first time posting here. Someday when I get up the nerve I will tell my story. I know the saying is once a liar/cheat, always a liar/cheat. But out of curiousity, how many people out there believe what your MM/MW is saying? I'm not talking about the empty promises about leaving their spouse. It's the little things such as: "I miss you, but I was too busy to call or write because of XYZ" or "I didn't do anything this weekend, but I've been thinking about you". It hurts me more to hear those things. Maybe it's the jealous streak in me, but it only takes several minutes to contact someone. I don't expect anything major, just even a 'hi' will suffice. I realize this goes both ways. But I am tired of always initiating contact. I guess I am realizing that I truly mean nothing to this person.
signedin2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I know the saying is once a liar/cheat, always a liar/cheat. But out of curiousity, how many people out there believe what your MM/MW is saying? I'm not talking about the empty promises about leaving their spouse. It's the little things such as: "I miss you, but I was too busy to call or write because of XYZ" or "I didn't do anything this weekend, but I've been thinking about you". If he can lie and cheat on someone whom he has proposed to and married to and call "my wife," what rational do you have that make you think he won't do that to you, his mistress? Com'on now. I guess I am realizing that I truly mean nothing to this person. You know that's not true. You're not "nothing," you're his side dish and someone fun on the side. A piece of ___________(fill in the blank) is something, whether it's good, bad, or horrible.
TogetherForever Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 This is my first time posting here. Someday when I get up the nerve I will tell my story. I know the saying is once a liar/cheat, always a liar/cheat. But out of curiousity, how many people out there believe what your MM/MW is saying? I'm not talking about the empty promises about leaving their spouse. It's the little things such as: "I miss you, but I was too busy to call or write because of XYZ" or "I didn't do anything this weekend, but I've been thinking about you". It hurts me more to hear those things. Maybe it's the jealous streak in me, but it only takes several minutes to contact someone. I don't expect anything major, just even a 'hi' will suffice. I realize this goes both ways. But I am tired of always initiating contact. I guess I am realizing that I truly mean nothing to this person. I know the saying is once a liar/cheat, always a liar/cheat. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Hi Blinded, Just wanted to say the above is NOT ALWAYS the case. Don't know your situation but if he plans on staying in his marriage & you plan on staying with him anyway, then expect what you've mentioned above to be your constant heartache. TF
jj33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 A very good question. I never really paid much attention to the whys etc I believed some things more than others. Once when I found an inconsistency he got irate and said i didnt own him. It was a big fight and i walked away. I havent thought about all that in awhile. I try not to look back as I feel so very foolish. He was making up such wild stories to stay overnight with me that sometimes I know I got the truth other times I dont know and sometimes he said what was expedient. But that was my experience. I think some people are sincere. It seems so much work to see someone else and lie to them too. What a tangled web... but then who knows for some people its a lifestyle. Others are just cowards not willing to face up to their lives and doing other things on the side. I never expected to feel this way but today I think I fell for someone for whom emotional manupulation and deception is a lifestyle. And I was in a vulnerable enough space that I put up with it. I wish I never had to see him again.
wildsoul Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 This may not be helpful, but I am also an OW, so I'll throw my experience in. I've known my MM for 7 months. He always stays in touch with me, several times a day via phone, email, IM, text message, and cards in the mail. Lack of time and attention has never been a problem; I see and hear from him more than some single men I've dated. Keep in mind that he doesn't have children and he and his wife don't spend very much time together. If anything, it is I who contact him less because of the A-dynamic, rather than the other way around. In fact, he says that is one of the reasons why he is separating. He wants to see more of me, and the limitations of the A are frustrating for him too. But really, all that matters here is your own experience about how much contact you want, how much you need, and how much you are willing to settle for. It sounds like it's not enough for you.
jj33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I may have misinterpreted your questions. I used to get upset if he was away and he didnt contact me for a few days or if he came back and didnt contact me right away because it seemed to me that if he wasnt wildly in love with me, there was no reason for me to be in that position. On the other hand I never really expected him to contact me on weekends etc I didnt like the idea of him sneaking around while he was with his wife or on vacation with her but he did a lot of the time anyway. But looking back, I was looking at it from the wrong perspective. Who really cares about the I miss yous etc on the weekend. It is as WS said part of the A dynamic. If they really miss the OP they will do something about it. Words are words. I almost repsect someone more if they dont contact on the weekends. If they arent leaving then at least they should be present in the relationship they are in while they are with the W or family or whomever. That being said as others have said you need to feel valued and appreciated. Its a hard thing to acheive in most As. There are two ways of looking at that. One is people do what they want to do. If he doesnt feel the need to contact you that says something. Others will say ask for what you need. If you can get your needs met in the relationshp then that is good.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 This is my first time posting here. Someday when I get up the nerve I will tell my story. I know the saying is once a liar/cheat, always a liar/cheat. But out of curiousity, how many people out there believe what your MM/MW is saying? I'm not talking about the empty promises about leaving their spouse. It's the little things such as: "I miss you, but I was too busy to call or write because of XYZ" or "I didn't do anything this weekend, but I've been thinking about you". It hurts me more to hear those things. Maybe it's the jealous streak in me, but it only takes several minutes to contact someone. I don't expect anything major, just even a 'hi' will suffice. I realize this goes both ways. But I am tired of always initiating contact. I guess I am realizing that I truly mean nothing to this person. I do not necessarily think that once a liar/cheat always a liar cheat. There are occasionally happy endings for the OW & they end up with their MM, there are a handful of success stories on here but they are rare however. I guess what Im trying to say is that for those former OW it did work out for (GEL, OWoman etc) they obviously trust their guys or their relationships wouldnt be working. But if MM does not call for days/weeks on end then Im sorry there is no excuse for that. I agree with you that it only takes a few seconds to make some form of contact whether it be phone/email/text just to let you know they are thinking of you it doesnt matter how brief the communication is, you would rather hear SOMETHING than nothing at all. I dont know why they do it - they know it will upset the OW & cause arguments when they finally can be bothered to pick up the phone & call her. Of course you mean something to him but you are low on his priority list which just aint good enough. Stop chasing him & always making the first move & contacting him. If he wants you he should be chasing you...preferably with divorce papers in hand! Please post more on here - thats what its for!
Adunaphel Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 This is my first time posting here. Someday when I get up the nerve I will tell my story. I know the saying is once a liar/cheat, always a liar/cheat. But out of curiousity, how many people out there believe what your MM/MW is saying? I'm not talking about the empty promises about leaving their spouse. It's the little things such as: "I miss you, but I was too busy to call or write because of XYZ" or "I didn't do anything this weekend, but I've been thinking about you". I do believe all the little things MM is saying - but I have never heard a "I was too busy to call" line from him that did not sound convincing, expecially considered that when he is too busy to call I am likely to hear from him in the next three hours, and it is over 6 months (since the A started) that we hear from each other on the phone or on the internet at least thrice a day. I guess that the little things are the main reason why I believe that he really means to leave his W. Maybe it's the jealous streak in me, but it only takes several minutes to contact someone. I have to agree. My MM does not need to be as careful as most MM, because he already told his W he does not love her anymore, that for him the marriage is over and they are starting to discuss about a possible separation (well, this is what he told me, I cannot know for sure, but I tend to believe him). Yet, even if someone had to be extra-careful (on a side note, I'd be wary of someone who is extra-careful about not getting caught), he could still lock himself in the bathroom to send a text message if he *really* wanted to.
Soaked Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 This is my first time posting here. Someday when I get up the nerve I will tell my story. I know the saying is once a liar/cheat, always a liar/cheat. But out of curiousity, how many people out there believe what your MM/MW is saying? I'm not talking about the empty promises about leaving their spouse. It's the little things such as: "I miss you, but I was too busy to call or write because of XYZ" or "I didn't do anything this weekend, but I've been thinking about you". It hurts me more to hear those things. Maybe it's the jealous streak in me, but it only takes several minutes to contact someone. I don't expect anything major, just even a 'hi' will suffice. I realize this goes both ways. But I am tired of always initiating contact. I guess I am realizing that I truly mean nothing to this person. I have gone through a phase I really did believe what he said.. even deep down inside I felt something wasn't quite right.. but I still give my support/attention to him.. Then I gone through a phase I simply couldn't even lie to myself anymore. Once when he changed job and I didn't hear a word from him whole day and I was worry sick! And I thought.. maybe he really was too busy so he couldn't drop me a word.. but guess what? later on I found out he wasn't busy enough not to drop a word to his W and planning for a vacation in the same week! I'm sorry if I sound a little bitter... it's just now I felt so foolish. Even after I found out a lot of things I still kept going for another 2 years... because I believed little words like "I Miss you" "I don't know what to do without you" or sometimes he gave me a little taste of "our future".. and every time I believed him 110%! and now when I look back.. I just can't believe how blinded I was! Honestly, if in your gut you don't really believe his words or feel not right about something what he said.. truth to be told.. your gut is probably right!
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 "I miss you, but I was too busy to call or write because of XYZ" or "I didn't do anything this weekend, but I've been thinking about you". From the (former) cheater's perspective I can tell you that it is probably true that he misses you, and that he has been thinking about you. What is also true is that generally speaking MM has OW boxed up in his own private area of his brain, and when he is off doing 'real life' type stuff, the OW box usually stays shut until he is ready to open it again. I wouldn't go so far as to say 'out of sight, out of mind' but in the hustle and bustle of family comings and goings, school starting and after school activities (if he has kids), shopping to do, chores around the house, hanging out with his friends and extended family, and setting aside time for just himself, etc - the OW isn't in the forefront of his mind, and that said - he didn't call. It probably is not a reflection of his feelings, so much as it is a reflection of how partitioned off he has you from the rest of his life. It would be easy for him to pick up the phone and say 'hi', and it sounds terrible to say this - but it may not have crossed his mind to do so and was using 'busy' as an excuse. He, like every other MM/MW in a relationship with an OP has other priorities and most of the time OW/OM isn't at the top, or even the top ten depending on what is going on IRL. You can let him know how you feel, and it is your right to do so - but understand that there may not be a whole lot that he can or will do about it.
Author blinded Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Thanks to those who've responded. It wasn't like that before. We used to be in contact every day. Now, days go by when I don't hear from him. I noticed he doesn't write as much b/c he thinks I'm getting too attached. He doesn't want me messing up his RL. I know in reality we wouldn't work out, so he has no prob w/that. I pointed out to him that we had less contact and I was ready to end things. I voiced my concerns that I didn't like the way things were going. He convinced me that he would make more of an effort. For a while he did. Now, I do believe that currently he is busy b/c of work/her/grad school, etc. But I wish things would go back to the way it was before. I don't like how he expects me to always be there waiting...
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Sometimes I think that MM/MW see the OW/OM like they do an especially good book that they only get to read occasionally: they put the book down with a page bookmarked and come back to it later on knowing that they can simply pick up again where they left off. Perhaps on some level they see the OW/OM as being in some sort of 'stasis' when they aren't around, and are going to pick up again right where they left off last time regardless of how much time has gone by with or without contact. MM/MW always seem to be dismayed that it can't be that simple, and oftentimes when they are called on it will withdraw. They want an especially good book that they can pick up and put down at will, rather than required reading.
GreenX Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I noticed he doesn't write as much b/c he thinks I'm getting too attached. He doesn't want me messing up his RL. Did you know this at the start of the relationship? Were you aware that it was moreless a friends w/ benefits situation? I know in reality we wouldn't work out, so he has no prob w/that. I pointed out to him that we had less contact and I was ready to end things. I voiced my concerns that I didn't like the way things were going. He convinced me that he would make more of an effort. For a while he did. Again, were you aware that this relationship was going nowhere except maybe a backseat every once in awhile? I don't know your full story so I can only assume by what you've posted. To me it seems that you possibly were aware of how things were 'supposed' to be between the two of you and you're now experiencing/feeling more towards this guy than originally planned. Correct me if I'm wrong. Bottom line: Why would you want to be with someone knowing that he feels you're messing up his "RL"? Are you some made up fantasy action doll or something? You deserve better than that.. anyone deserves better than that. (edit: forgot a quote tag )
GreenEyedLady Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Don't pick up the phone when he calls... Men only begin to see when they "feel" the repercussions... And go out and live your life. He's living his...
soda Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 It hurts me more to hear those things. Maybe it's the jealous streak in me, but it only takes several minutes to contact someone. I don't expect anything major, just even a 'hi' will suffice. I realize this goes both ways. But I am tired of always initiating contact. I guess I am realizing that I truly mean nothing to this person. You're right -- it doesn't take a lot of effort to contact someone. What does that tell you about the relationship? Be honest with yourself. As the OW, you're settling for crumbs as it is. He goes home to her, not you. He spends his weekends with her, not you. You're willing to settle for being someone's old softball mitt, abandoned in the closet until he gets around to giving you some attention? Life is really short. I don't know why you're wasting your time. It's not for love. He doesn't love you. If he did, he would make an effort to contact you. You need to move on with your love life before you have nothing left to show for it except for regret. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you already know the answer to your problem. Go absolute NC with the guy. Doesn't sound like he pays enough attention to you that you could possibly even miss him.
soda Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Don't pick up the phone when he calls... Men only begin to see when they "feel" the repercussions... And go out and live your life. He's living his... True, but she's just better off never picking up the phone when the jackass calls anyway. He might come around, but he'll revert back to old habits...people always do.
Author blinded Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 I feel like crying. I last spoke to him Sunday. Today it's Thursday... On Sun I was told he would be 'super busy' this week. I haven't contacted him since then. I too have been busy. I figured he would contact me when he's ready. Guess he's not ready. But it ticks me off b/c in his last convo. he said that he wished we could see each other more. Why tell lies? Why not be honest and tell me that he's not interested anymore. Does he believe what he's saying? It messes more w/my head. I'm thinking he likes the attention I give him. Something he wasn't getting at home. But now, maybe he's getting more attention. I don't know. I do know that I'm not contacting him. There is so much more that factor into this. But it's easier to say just go NC. I never thought I would hurt like this.
jj33 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Alot of people in his situation comparrtmentalize Lucretia's analogy to a great book was very good. You deserve so much more. If you havent heard from him in a few days that's much too much (I totally misinterpreted your concerns before). NC will hurt but it hurts less than feeling like you are not an important priority in this man's life.
LostGirl811 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 This is my first time posting here. Someday when I get up the nerve I will tell my story. I know the saying is once a liar/cheat, always a liar/cheat. But out of curiousity, how many people out there believe what your MM/MW is saying? I'm not talking about the empty promises about leaving their spouse. It's the little things such as: "I miss you, but I was too busy to call or write because of XYZ" or "I didn't do anything this weekend, but I've been thinking about you". It hurts me more to hear those things. Maybe it's the jealous streak in me, but it only takes several minutes to contact someone. I don't expect anything major, just even a 'hi' will suffice. I realize this goes both ways. But I am tired of always initiating contact. I guess I am realizing that I truly mean nothing to this person. I guess it depends on the MM/MW.....my MM, he just doesn't say much to begin with. I initiate all "emotions" talks, and he gets generally uncomfortable discussing feelings. I can tell he misses me and thinks about me sometimes when I get a random email or text message, but he's never been good at expressing himself. Some MM's will lie to keep their OW satiated I suppose, but I think most do mean it when they say they miss you, thinking about you, etc. The sad thing is that none of it REALLY means anything. At the end of the day, he can love me, miss me, think about me all he wants. He still goes home to her and has his future with their children and her. So in a way it's almost good he doesn't bombard me with notions of "i love you and miss you" and bollocks like that. Because Im already tortured enough thinking abuot him, hearing all that and then having him just get up and go home to wifey aftewards would kill me more. I hate not hearing from him all weekend, I hate that I have to usually be the one to initiate contact, but its more due to my inpatience. I find that when I dont make contact he will after a few days, but I can barely wait several hours, let alone a couple days. Monday morning Im already staring at the phone when I should be doing paperwork, hoping he'll call. Lol, and I start work at 6 in the morning, and he doesnt even get into his office till almost 11 am every day, so I sit there for 5 hours or more trying to hold back from calling him first, but I always do because with him Im weak. I hate to say it, but its true. Im strong, inependant, intelligent and all that bollocks, but with him? Weak weak weak....
jj33 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Well said. The initiation of contact is for your own gratification. But you know what if you pull back then you can see what he is doing and what he needs from the relatoinship and whether he is responding because you initiated or because he wants to be in contact with you on a regular basis. it depends on what you are looking for. If getting your need to be in touch with him is paramount, then the initiation is ok. But if you want to know whether hes really interested in that level of contact then pull back.
Author blinded Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 ... Im strong, inependant, intelligent and all that bollocks, but with him? Weak weak weak.... I'm the same way. Most people know NOT to mess w/me or rub me the wrong way. But w/him, I let him get away w/stupid stuff. It's taking sooooo much for me not to contact him. I want to send him a message that I am serious. All I want is a little time and respect. Ugh, maybe I'm asking for too much as the OW??. ( LOL--here I go again-mixed emotions)
jj33 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Blinded dont do that to yourself. Wanting to be treated like an important part of your lover's life is not asking too much. Dont make all kinds of excuses and accomodations for behavior that is not comfortable for you. When you continue to initiate contact, you are not getting his attention, you are releiving the anxiety of not being in contact with him. And it doesnt make it more likely that he will initiate contact more in the future. It only means he doesnt have to because you continue to do it for him. If he is only offering occasional contact and that is not enough for you, then end it. Why would you accept a situation that is making you unhappy when it is not a temporary necessary condition. Hes married. If you dont like his behavior as your lover then vote with your feet. Dont answer the phone. Or next time he calls, tell him this is not enough for me I need to stop seeing you.
LadyDi Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I could have written everything you did. I'm having almost the same exact troubles. I'm not giving in either! It's been a couple days and I refuse to call. And I'm getting to the point of if he doesn't call me, so what. This relationship is becoming a boulder rolling downhill...... Stay strong!
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