Thoughts

[BCCA]

Hey all,

 

I'm sure you've seen me here giving advice over the last month or so, but now I could sure use some of my own.

 

A quick rundown, I dated a girl for 4 years. 3 years into the relationship, while we lived together, she left me. My life was aweful, I begged pleaded, we kept in contact, slept together...and eventually when i said were together or not, she agreed. A year later, not living together, she left me again. Said she 'just isnt happy' but couldnt give specifics. I felt she was looking for me to reason with her, but I just said fine, have a nice life CLICK.

 

Two weeks later, I sent her an email saying hi, I was hoping we could meet up for some coffee/lunch. She said she was surprised to hear from me, didnt know if we would talk again, and it could be good to meet up just not right now, hope thats ok, not trying to be mean, etc...She still had the key to my place and said she would send it. I got it in the mail a week or so later, just the key in an envelope with my name on it. No note. Other than responding to my email, she hasnt made any attempt to contact me.

 

I will admit that im hurt by her lack of contact, or efforts, but I know its better than to be strung along. Even with that said, I've felt recently that I might want to write her a letter laying out how all this had made me feel, and letting her know that acting cold kind of hurt me. I'm not going to beg or plead, or even mention the relationship, but if she never wants to talk to me again, just let me know (or dont respond I guess).

 

I just want the letter to relay everything I feel like I wont get to say, and I dont care if she even responds (which Im not confident she will).

 

What does everyone think? I will obviously keep you all posted if I do decide to do this.

 

Thanks

 

-BCCA

[ioncebelieved]

Hey all,

 

I'm sure you've seen me here giving advice over the last month or so, but now I could sure use some of my own.

 

A quick rundown, I dated a girl for 4 years. 3 years into the relationship, while we lived together, she left me. My life was aweful, I begged pleaded, we kept in contact, slept together...and eventually when i said were together or not, she agreed. A year later, not living together, she left me again. Said she 'just isnt happy' but couldnt give specifics. I felt she was looking for me to reason with her, but I just said fine, have a nice life CLICK.

 

Two weeks later, I sent her an email saying hi, I was hoping we could meet up for some coffee/lunch. She said she was surprised to hear from me, didnt know if we would talk again, and it could be good to meet up just not right now, hope thats ok, not trying to be mean, etc...She still had the key to my place and said she would send it. I got it in the mail a week or so later, just the key in an envelope with my name on it. No note. Other than responding to my email, she hasnt made any attempt to contact me.

 

I will admit that im hurt by her lack of contact, or efforts, but I know its better than to be strung along. Even with that said, I've felt recently that I might want to write her a letter laying out how all this had made me feel, and letting her know that acting cold kind of hurt me. I'm not going to beg or plead, or even mention the relationship, but if she never wants to talk to me again, just let me know (or dont respond I guess).

 

I just want the letter to relay everything I feel like I wont get to say, and I dont care if she even responds (which Im not confident she will).

 

What does everyone think? I will obviously keep you all posted if I do decide to do this.

 

Thanks

 

-BCCA

 

You have to ask yourself honestly, what will the letter change? Chances are you have said enough in the past and she knows or should know exactly how you feel.

 

I did the exact same with an email and figured it would somehow change her mind or get her to think things out. You know what it did? Not a damn thing except make me look needy and like a beggar. I was not too sappy or needy in it, but it was enough to let her know that she had control of me.

 

You really should rethink sending her anything and keep NC as bad as it hurts. I know what you are feeling as I am over 2 months NC and feel somewhat better. You just have to let her do what she is going to do and get better. If she comes back to you and you have not pined to hard, it will be a nice surprise and you will be strong enough to take control if and when she comes back!!!

 

In short, do not send anything unless you have never shown her your feelings or told her. She should know your feelings without you reminding her. It hurts man, I know!!!

[BCCA]

You're absolutely right. After writing all that out, it dawned on me that it would be a waste of time. I don't have any desire to rekindle anything with her, but part of me wants her to understand how sh**ty she's been throughout this whole process, and how much its hurt. But the most I can expect is that it will be read and thrown away, and its obvious she doesnt care about me very much from her lack of compassion.

 

I might write it and stick it in my nightstand. If she ever contacts me, that might be a time for it, but its not going to do me any good to give her control (even though its what she probably wants).

 

Thanks!

[seminoles84]

I agree with IOC.

 

I made the same mistake. Twice. And did not get a email back either time. They both said different things.. but they both made me look needy and weak now that I look back at them. I wish nothing more but to take them back! She doesn't deserve the satisfaction of knowing how much she hurt me and how much she controls me.

 

If I were you, I'd stick with NC. This will only hurt you more. But some people are stronger than others, and you might just be and could handle not hearing from her.. but this is something only you know. Are you strong enough?

 

Let us know what you decide to do!

[ioncebelieved]

Really it is a matter of the worse pain: NC or getting jerked around, lied to and abused. NC has been the lesser of the two evils and I bet anything that my ex is thinking, "I have pushed him away for good." Only time will tell if she will ever contact me again. One thing is for sure, I will not contact her!!!! Sure I have considered it, but why destroy the lesser of two evils!! My ex knows that I may be gone for good and if she really desires me, she does not have chains holding her back!!

 

BCCA-----Stay strong!!

[sedgwick]

I think she is already abundantly aware of how you feel, and if she has any sense at all she knows she hurt you. Don't give her the amount of your energy it would take to sit down and compose a letter. Just go total NC -- being ignored will get to her a lot more than a pleading letter.

[HopeDiesLast]

It really makes me crazy that people can just read a letter, or email or whatever and just not care. do they really not care? i find that hard to beleive. i think they care. i think they feel guilty and unable to reciprocate how you still feel about them. Will it change things? probably not.

Its going to suck to not hear anything from her. but sometimes i think people need to just say what they have to say in order to help themselves move on. but it has to be honest.

The other day i had a text i was going to send my ex to help me just say what i had to- but i deleted it. cus my real reason for sending it was to see if it would change anything- not to help myself.

[BCCA]

Well, I've made my decision. I'm not sending her anything or making any other attempts to contact her at all.

 

Not because I want to get to her, but because it wouldn't really help me. If she isn't aware of how I feel after 4 years and doesnt realize that when you do 'mean' things it hurts people, then what can a letter I wrote do?

 

I wasn't planning on doing it to 'gauge' her response. Sure, I would be interested to see her reaction, but it was more to get anything left off my chest. But, I realize I dont need to say anything to her to feel better.

 

I'll be ok, I'm strong enough...and it helps to have you all for support!

 

Thanks a bunch everyone!

[seminoles84]

Well, I've made my decision. I'm not sending her anything or making any other attempts to contact her at all.

 

Not because I want to get to her, but because it wouldn't really help me. If she isn't aware of how I feel after 4 years and doesnt realize that when you do 'mean' things it hurts people, then what can a letter I wrote do?

 

I wasn't planning on doing it to 'gauge' her response. Sure, I would be interested to see her reaction, but it was more to get anything left off my chest. But, I realize I dont need to say anything to her to feel better.

 

I'll be ok, I'm strong enough...and it helps to have you all for support!

 

Thanks a bunch everyone!

 

Good choice! Stay strong!

[sid3]

You're making the right choice. I've never read a thread about someone writing a letter and them coming back saying how much it helps. Usually it's the exact opposite.

 

You've posted some very good advice in other peoples' posts, it appears your taking your own advice in this case. I think your right, exes do relish the control they often feel. Ultimately it is ours to take back when we choose to. right now I'm trying to stop the emotional bleeding from taking back an ex. There is much to be said about a person who can see that it is better to be alone than in an R an miserable. You've offered much support in your short time here, surely most of us here will be glad to offer you our support whenever we can.....

[sultry33]

in past relationships where i was the one to end things it

annoyed an upset me to receive letters, texts, voice messages.. not being harsh but iused to think its over and it turned me off..

 

if i did go back it was out of pity an indecision.. i always left again because to me if i had doubts then it was not right..

 

yes with my current ex i have been going through one hell of a time but thats due to us both saying we still have feelings for each other...

 

tread careful.. wait it out x

[chacha7]

Hi bcca...you have given me and countless others great advice and I think you know that keeping NC is important. I know its difficult because I am doing it and recieving it right now and the hardest thing to do is to not make a move, and feeling hurt by the fact that they don't seem to care, although knowing its better than being strung along.

 

I personally am thinking about sending an email asking why if he said he would always be my friend no matter what, why he couldn't at least send me an email asking how my student teaching is going since it just started this week.

 

Then I was thinking of sending him the link to this site and telling him to read all of my posts so that he can know what I have been going through and can read other people's opinions on our situation and maybe realize I was not always to blame for all of our problems. I don't know if that is a good move though, What does everyone else think?

 

BCCA, do you think that sending your ex a link to this site and telling her to read your posts and others reactions will help at all with relieving your pain? I don't know...in one way I think we should just keep NC no matter what, but in another I just want him to see what i'm going through and how other people feel.

 

I don't even know what it would change anyway, I guess I just hope he'll realize that he was an idiot and that I'm not as crazy as he thinks, but I don't think I would take him back regardless of how he felt because of what he did to me. Ohhh man, sorry for making this about me, but maybe helping me sort out my feelings on this will help you too. Good luck BCCA, and honestly you sound like such a nice, caring guy that if a girl could walk out on you twice, she doesn't deserve you! Many other girls would love a guy with your unbiased understanding of relationships.

[BCCA]

You're making the right choice. I've never read a thread about someone writing a letter and them coming back saying how much it helps. Usually it's the exact opposite.

 

You've posted some very good advice in other peoples' posts, it appears your taking your own advice in this case. I think your right, exes do relish the control they often feel. Ultimately it is ours to take back when we choose to. right now I'm trying to stop the emotional bleeding from taking back an ex. There is much to be said about a person who can see that it is better to be alone than in an R an miserable. You've offered much support in your short time here, surely most of us here will be glad to offer you our support whenever we can.....

 

I thank you all for the kind words, and the support. I think just the act of putting thoughts to words about what I was thinking about triggered something in me. No sooner had I posted this than an overwhelming feeling of "why even bother" came over me. I mean, at most she'll feel bad for probably 6.3 seconds, toss the letter in the garbage and be done with it. And as immature as it might sounds, I wont give her the satisfaction of knowing how she even made me feel.

 

I'm done with HER, who cares what she thinks/feels. Yeah, she made me feel like crap and wasn't very nice about some things, didnt handle anything maturly, etc...but any decent person would feel remorse some time about that, at least some guilt. If she doesnt, then she isnt even a decent person. And if she does...I'll quote the great BB King:

 

"you know you done me wrong baby, and you'll be sorry someday"

 

I'm lucky if I never hear from her again. I dont know why I was worrying about it.

[BCCA]

Hi bcca...you have given me and countless others great advice and I think you know that keeping NC is important. I know its difficult because I am doing it and recieving it right now and the hardest thing to do is to not make a move, and feeling hurt by the fact that they don't seem to care, although knowing its better than being strung along.

 

I personally am thinking about sending an email asking why if he said he would always be my friend no matter what, why he couldn't at least send me an email asking how my student teaching is going since it just started this week.

 

Then I was thinking of sending him the link to this site and telling him to read all of my posts so that he can know what I have been going through and can read other people's opinions on our situation and maybe realize I was not always to blame for all of our problems. I don't know if that is a good move though, What does everyone else think?

 

BCCA, do you think that sending your ex a link to this site and telling her to read your posts and others reactions will help at all with relieving your pain? I don't know...in one way I think we should just keep NC no matter what, but in another I just want him to see what i'm going through and how other people feel.

 

I don't even know what it would change anyway, I guess I just hope he'll realize that he was an idiot and that I'm not as crazy as he thinks, but I don't think I would take him back regardless of how he felt because of what he did to me. Ohhh man, sorry for making this about me, but maybe helping me sort out my feelings on this will help you too. Good luck BCCA, and honestly you sound like such a nice, caring guy that if a girl could walk out on you twice, she doesn't deserve you! Many other girls would love a guy with your unbiased understanding of relationships.

 

NO I would definitely not send him the link to this site. It's not going to do anything but make you feel worse. He isn't going to have a revalation about himself after reading it, he'll probably just tell everyone you're crazy or get mad at you.

 

The reason our ex's aren't calling us are probably the same: guilt. They know they should feel bad for treating us so poorly, so why look that in the face? They can smear the blame, feel sorry for themselves, and look for other ego boost's for a while, but sooner or later they'll have to answer for their actions. And if they honestly dont care about us...whatever! I dont need anyone who doesnt want to be with me. Waste of both of our time.

 

I wouldnt bother contacting him at all. You dont need him for validation, and he's obviously not interested in being concerned about you, so forget him. People are so selfish...we'll find ourselves some winners someday

 

How is your student teaching going? That sounds intense

[HopeDiesLast]

BCCA- its funny cus i read where you give advice on other people's posts. and it kind of encourages me- not to contact, to stop trying, etc. and when you posted this yesterday i knew you shouldnt give her that damn letter. But what do i find myself doing today? thinking about doing the same thing.

so i reread the thread- and the same conclusion came to me "why bother?". shouldnt they know after X amount of time how we feel?

Do you beleive they arent contacting bc of guilt? or bc feelings are still there for us? i guess as much as i say yesterday that im throwing in the towel....today i feel as if i cant give up.